Mimiteh
by pbswimmer
Summary: Indie Award Winner! Mimiteh is Native American for New Moon. Worried about Bella's depression, Charlie drags her to counseling. Edward returns to Forks, trapped between keeping his promise and saving Bella from peril. They both learn about life and love.
1. Forks in the Road

Hello, fellow Twerds! *waves* I'm Jen, and this is my first Twilight fan fiction. I've written quite a few stories for another fandom, Prison Break, and I have followed my PB buddies over to this addictive Twilight fandom.

I've had the pleasure of betaing for my good friends radiofreeamy, vamplicious, and martinibaby1, who have introduced me to some wonderful stories here. And many thanks to Ekimmuh for hooking me up with some Twilight facts when needed.

I'm a psychologist, so I love writing therapy stories. I appreciate you giving this fic a try, and I hope you enjoy it.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners.

1. Forks in the Road

~ * ~

_I didn't know much about psychoanalysis, but I was pretty sure that it didn't work unless the subject was relatively honest. Sure, I could tell the truth--if I wanted to spend the rest of my life in a padded cell._

~Stephenie Meyer, _New Moon,_ p. 96

~ * ~

Bella groaned the second she noticed the sign with the name of the counseling center: _Forks in the Road._

Great--the psychologist that Charlie was forcing her to see had made some cheesy play on words from a Robert Frost poem. Saturday morning just kept getting better.

"You're doing this, Bells," Charlie ordered from the driver's seat of his police cruiser. "And you can keep the editorials to yourself."

She slumped down further in the passenger seat, hoping nobody would recognize her or her father driving into the counseling center's desolate parking lot on the outskirts of town. Perhaps Charlie should have turned on the siren and flashing lights of his vehicle; there might still have been a few residents of Forks who did not yet know about her shameful ingress to therapy.

Sometimes the silence between her and Charlie was peaceful and easy; one of the aspects of their relationship that Bella thoroughly enjoyed. However, the current hush as they marched toward the white, weathered, clapboard house was more strained than serene--seething on Bella's part and resigned on Charlie's side.

Therapy was for whack-jobs, crazy people . . . people suffering from hallucinations. Bella instantly blushed, recalling the previous evening with Jessica when she had felt compelled to walk toward those questionable men by the bar, driven further ahead, almost like she was being herded forward, by hearing Edward's velvety voice popping into her head.

Accompanying Jessica to the movies was supposed to have _prevented_ Charlie from carting her off to therapy. Instead, last night had seemed to steer her even closer to the dreaded counseling. She wondered what had made Charlie so adamant about making her see Dr. Carlton earlier this morning. Bella sighed loudly as they entered the waiting room.

Glancing around at the empty space in the older home, she asked, "Am I supposed to check in or something?"

Charlie's lanky frame loped over to a little side table, where he picked up a clipboard and a pen. "Dr. Carlton said you're supposed to fill out these papers before the appointment."

Warily she took the clipboard from him and went to sit in a big chair draped with a wrinkled, pale-yellow slip cover. The stuffed chair engulfed her slender body. Thankfully, Charlie sat across the room, affording her some privacy.

She glanced down at the packet on the clipboard, reading over the consent form on top. Was she indeed "consenting" to this torture? It sure didn't feel like it. Her mahogany eyes scanned over the introduction:

_Informed Consent for Counseling_

_Welcome to Forks in the Road Counseling! I'm Nina Carlton, Ph.D., Washington State Psychology License #2167, and I will be meeting with you soon. We will discuss the particular concerns that brought you here and begin to formulate a plan for addressing those concerns. _

_Our communication is private, meaning that I cannot disclose your attendance or the content of our discussions without your permission. Exceptions to the laws governing confidentiality include imminent danger to yourself or to others, abuse of a minor or impaired person, or a court subpoena for records. _

_Our counseling relationship is very important and I will make every effort to treat you therapeutically, with kindness and respect. I ask you to be prompt for your appointment and to be engaged in our session. While it may take some time to build trust and to reveal some aspects of yourself, I expect you to be as honest as possible. Together we will take the road "less traveled by", hopefully making a positive difference in your life in the process._

Bella frowned when she finished reading the form. This Nina woman didn't sound all that bad, actually. However, Bella had no idea how she was supposed to be honest in this scenario, and that bothered her. Surely the men in the white truck would be quickly pulling up to this center the moment she dared to reveal the true nature of the Cullen family.

Believing that she had no choice, she hastily scribbled her signature on the bottom and then thumbed through the rest of the packet, sighing dramatically upon noticing all the personal questions the Bio Form entailed.

Wrapped up in worries from the past few months, Charlie absentmindedly turned the pages of a fishing magazine while his daughter completed the paperwork. Too bad _he_ wasn't the one completing the forms; he could have easily summed up the reason for Bella needing counseling with two words: _Edward Cullen._ Charlie still felt his gut clench every time he thought about what a mess his daughter had become upon that boy's departure. And now, according to her friends, she was behaving even more bizarrely and dangerously; there would be no way he would just stand by and watch her self-destruct. She was all he had.

The door off the waiting room slowly swung open, and Bella looked up to see a striking Native American woman in the doorway. Her glossy black hair curled in waves over the shoulders of her fashionable tan suede jacket, and Bella's eyes wandered down the woman's long jean skirt and medium-heeled suede boots before returning up to her face. High cheekbones showed off her warm russet skin, but what drew Bella's attention most of all were her eyes--black, shining, intelligent, and warm.

"Hi, Chief Swan," she smiled fondly, striding over to shake his hand now that he was on his feet.

"You know you can call me Charlie, uh, Nina," he stammered. He recalled Harry Clearwater telling him once that the name Nina meant "strong", "with pretty eyes". Shaking her offered hand while staring into those obsidian eyes, Charlie deemed that her parents had named her perfectly.

Bella watched the exchange curiously before Nina turned to her and smiled. "You must be Bella. I'm Nina Carlton." Appreciating the taller woman getting her name right on the first try, Bella enjoyed it even more when Nina strode over and also shook her hand, then gestured to the clipboard. "Did you get a chance to finish the paperwork?"

"Almost."

"Good." Nina reached down to scoop up the clipboard. "How about we go into my office and review this together?"

Nina began heading inside with Bella trailing behind her, but she came to an abrupt halt when Charlie appeared to be striding into the office as well. Turning to him, puzzled, Nina asked, "You're coming in with us, Charlie?"

"Of course." He looked offended.

"Oh." Leisurely spinning around to face Bella, Nina inquired, "You're eighteen, right, Bella?"

She nodded.

"Then you are considered an adult, and I need to have your permission to allow your father to come in to the session with you. Is that okay with you if he sits in with us?"

A delicious smile spread across Bella's face as she considered the power she now possessed. Glancing at Charlie, she found him glaring at her, which erased her smile instantly. Refusing him would be a nice revenge for dragging her here. However, she hated the fact that she had caused him so much worry recently. And, she remembered their conversation from the previous morning, right before he had called her "lifeless".

_I know what you're going through,_ he had said. _I had a really hard time after your mom left, taking you away with her._

Bella could only imagine what that would have been like; losing one's spouse and child in one fell swoop. She pressed her lips together thoughtfully.

Watching her vacillate, Nina gently offered, "Sometimes I have a parent sit in for the first ten minutes or so. And then, if you're comfortable, we can finish the session on our own. How does that sound?"

"Great," Bella breathed out with relief. Truthfully she _wanted_ Charlie in there with her.

The compromise seemed to relieve the father as well, and he held the door open for the two women before following them inside. There was a white noise machine right inside the door, likely preventing those in the waiting room from overhearing the counseling sessions. When the three settled onto lumpy yet comfortable furniture, Nina launched into an introduction, repeating some of the pieces of information from the consent form Bella had signed.

"Have you ever been in counseling before, Bella?"

"No."

Nina nodded. "Then you're probably pretty nervous, not knowing what to expect. It's just a discussion about what's going on in your life--the good stuff and the bad stuff. I may ask you some questions you haven't thought of before, and we might uncover some effective ways to deal with stress. Now," she paused while rifling through the paperwork, "The question about what was bringing you to counseling--it looks like you left that one blank."

Nina's inquisitive black eyes bore into Bella. "Why here, why now? What's leading you to seek counseling?"

Sending Charlie an antagonistic look, Bella skimmed her knuckles over her mouth, finally responding, "He thinks I've become a zombie." Images from the horror movie filled her mind, and her stomach twisted with revulsion.

"I did not say that!" Charlie protested.

Studying them both, Nina said, "Bella, I know that your dad set up this appointment for you. Did you come here willingly?"

"Not really."

"Hmm. Then while we have you here, Charlie, how about you explain your concerns?"

"Fine," he nodded, shooting a nervous glance at Bella but finding her looking down. "Bella's boyfriend left town last September--about four months ago . . ."

_Four months?_ Had it been that long since she had seen Edward? Sometimes it felt like four years, and sometimes she could remember the feel of his cold hands on her as they slow-danced like it was five minutes ago . . . Instinctively she wrapped her arms around her midsection, holding onto herself tightly, feeling the cavernous hole within her spreading and deepening.

From the corner of her eye Nina observed Bella's straight-jacket body position at the same time that she tried to focus on Charlie's continued explanation: ". . . I thought she'd be down for a while, you know--breakups are tough, even when she's so young. But she hasn't gotten better in all this time. She just seems so . . . _empty,_ I don't know, and yesterday I finally told her she needed to talk to a professional."

"That's when you decided to call me?" Nina asked.

"Well, no. Bella promised me that she'd try harder; that she'd start going out with her friends more. So last night, she went to a movie with Jessica, and everything seemed fine." Charlie hesitated, looking guiltily at Bella. This time she met his gaze, and narrowed her eyes slightly. Where was he going with this?

"But then her friend called me," Charlie resumed, purposely not looking at his daughter, "and told me that Bella walked right up to some dangerous men at a bar-"

"Jessica _called_ you?" Bella shouted, looking utterly betrayed.

Charlie sighed; he knew she would be upset about this. "It wasn't Jessica," he quietly corrected; "It was Angela."

Bella's mouth dropped open.

"Jessica had called her, and Angela was really worried about you, Bells! She did the right thing by telling me."

Blinking rapidly several times, she forced herself to close her mouth and stared dumbly out in space while Charlie rushed ahead.

"Listen, it doesn't matter who called me--I would have found out about this anyway. I'm the Chief of Police! What have I tried to teach you your whole life? You know better than to mess around with strange men. You could have gotten seriously hurt!"

Bella's upper lip quivered and she continued to avoid his eyes.

Charlie shook his head angrily. "I want to know why you did that; this isn't like you at all! I brought you here to figure out why in the hell you are putting your life in danger like that."

"Okay, let's hold on," Nina suggested calmly. "Let's give Bella a chance to talk. Bella, you look upset that your friend ratted you out to your dad."

Not trusting herself to speak, she just nodded.

"Is it true that you approached some male strangers at a bar last night?"

Cringing, Bella nodded again.

"Can you answer Charlie's question? What made you do that?"

She felt both pairs of eyes staring her down. "I don't know . . . I, I wasn't thinking--"

"Obviously," Charlie huffed.

Nina glanced at him disapprovingly and turned her attention back to Bella, prodding, "You weren't thinking . . .?"

Bella sighed, and got out in a trembling voice, "I'm sorry. I really don't know why I did it. But I'm okay--they didn't hurt me. I'm fine, okay?"

Charlie leaned forward on his chair. "I want you to promise me. Promise me that you'll never do something like that again."

"I--" Bella glanced about her desperately, dodging Charlie's gaze. How could she promise to avoid taking more risks, meaning she might never get to hear his smooth voice again? His words of warning were the only vestiges of him that she had left, and she knew that she would never be able to stick to a promise preventing her from clutching on to that small piece of him. "I'll try, Dad, I'll--"

"You'll _try?_ You'll try not to get yourself killed? What is _wrong_ with you?" Charlie exploded. "I barely recognize you anymore. What did he _do_ to you?"

_He loved me,_ she silently answered, _once. But not anymore._ She looked down, continuing to clutch at her sides.

Sensing the standoff between father and daughter, Nina gently recommended, "How about you hang out in the waiting room now, Charlie? Thank you for providing such useful information, but I'd like to slow things down a bit; get to know Bella better. Okay?"

He swallowed uncomfortably. "I'm sorry; I got a little carried away there."

Nina gave a wistful smile. "It's just a sign of how much you care for your daughter. We will work this out--trust me."

He rose, and Nina stood up with him. "I'll, uh, I'll just be outside," he announced, and then he swiftly strode out of the room.

Resuming her sitting position, Nina smiled encouragingly at Bella. "Are you surviving this so far?"

Bella looked straight at her. "Barely."

Nina's laugh was resonant and warm. "I think you're doing great." She shifted in her chair. "It must be hard to have a Police Chief for a father. When you have a normal father-daughter quarrel, it's like you're not only arguing with your dad, but you're also fighting with the long arm of the law."

Vividly recalling the metallic snapping noise of Charlie cocking his rifle before meeting Edward for the first time, Bella gave her a wry look. "It has its moments."

"So," Nina relaxed into a casual body position, "You wrote here that your favorite hobby is reading. Can you tell me about some of your favorite authors?"

Blinking her eyes several times, gazing at the psychologist warily, Bella eventually disclosed, "I like the Brontë sisters the best, I guess."

~~ * ~~

After reading the same paragraph about fly-fishing rods five times, Charlie finally tossed the magazine aside, and decided to wait in the car. Bella would need a ride to work after the session, and perhaps he could see the latest fishing rods for himself at the Newton's store.

Once he made it outside, he took a deep breath of clean, Evergreen-scented air, feeling the tension in his shoulders drain as he admired the cloudy, wide-open nature vista; quite a contrast to the stuffiness of the psychologist's office. The fresh air of the Pacific Northwest wasn't the only reason he could breathe better now, though. Achieving some distance from the two females inside was also a relief.

Nina . . . well, she was Nina, alright. She was even more beautiful than she had been two years ago, when they had met for the first time, under less-than-ideal circumstances. And he simply hated Bella being upset with him, but he didn't know what else to do besides try to get her some help.

"Bella," he whispered gruffly, his words stolen by the wind. "I hope you heal from losing the love of your life, kiddo. Better than I did, anyway."

Striding from the porch to his police cruiser, he gazed out at the Evergreen forest lining the side of the house, failing to notice a blur of movement to his left; a vague shadow that flew to the back of the house with supernatural speed.

Author's Note:

Please drop me a line and tell me what you think! Reviews are love. ;-)


	2. Stalker

2. Stalker

He crouched near the basement window of the old house, holding completely still, warily eyeing Bella's father. When Charlie distractedly opened the door of his cruiser and folded his long-limbed body inside, not taking one glance toward the counseling center, Edward finally relaxed.

Nobody was supposed to know that he was back in Forks -- how could he have been so idiotic to let Charlie almost see him? Grimacing, Edward realized that he had been straining so hard to hear the conversation between Bella and the psychologist that he had failed to notice Charlie coming around to the parking lot until he was almost on top of him.

Had Charlie not been so preoccupied, he might have detected Edward's flight around the corner to the back of the house.

Typically Charlie's thoughts were muted, but not this morning. Edward could hear angry self-recriminations barking in Charlie's head, often involving the names Renee and Nina; jumbled phrases . . . "Get some balls, Swan" . . . "She wouldn't want you" . . . _"Renee_ didn't want you" . . . "What would Billy think?" . . . "God, that night must have been awful" . . . "Nina, help Bella. Please? Help my daughter."

Edward squinted, trying to make sense of the cluttered thoughts for a moment but then deciding to refocus on the task at hand: eavesdropping on Bella's counseling session. Or _trying_ to eavesdrop, rather. For some reason he wasn't following the conversation well, frustrating him immensely. One distraction seemed to be his own self-reproachful thoughts rolling around in his head. _You promised you'd never see her again. You said it would be like you never existed. Yet here you are, back in Forks._

He unclenched his fists and raked one hand through his wild bronze hair as he took a furtive glance behind him, making sure nobody saw him skulking by the house. _Stalker,_ he disgustedly jeered. He was no more than a depraved stalker. Bella deserved so much better.

Stalker or not, he simply could not have stayed away from Bella once Alice had shared her visions with him, however. His sister's anxious facial expression flashed through his mind. She had visited him two days ago, in Rio de Janeiro, where he had emerged from the Brazilian rainforest to check his email and cell phone messages, taking advantage of a rare cloudy day in the coastal party-town. Alice had tracked him down at a cyber café.

Her panicked silent shriek, _Edward!,_ had drawn him out of the café before he had even sat down at a computer, and together they had quickly absconded to a nearby park after sharing a chaste hug.

"_If I tell you something, will you promise not to get mad?" Alice pleaded, lowering her pixie body onto a park bench with a graceful, weightless motion._

_Edward closed his blackened eyes as he slouched onto the bench, facing her; preparing himself for the onslaught. "What did you do, Alice?"_

"_I was just trying to help."_

_Her animated golden eyes, appearing as frenzied as her spiked short black hair, troubled him. "This is sounding worse by the second. What did you do?"_

_Hearing the growl in his tone, she went into avoidance mode. "How's it going tracking Victoria?"_

"_I caught her scent about fifty miles south, but then I lost her." He squared his jaw. "Don't change the subject, Alice. Spit it out."_

_Again she evaded him. "You're not looking so good, Edward. You need to hunt."_

_He shot his hands out, clasping her slender arms with a steel grip. Though the movement took less than a millisecond, Alice could have easily eluded his grasp. Instead, she glared at him. "Yep, you're definitely grumpier when you're thirsty."_

"_Alice -- "_

"_People are staring," she hissed, tilting her head imperceptibly to her left. "Can't you hear them?"_

_Edward glanced to his right and sure enough a brown-skinned woman was watching them, contemplating calling the Brazilian Policia. Knowing Alice's incalculable capacity for self-defense, he found it almost amusing that a bystander would consider her to be in peril. Not that he found anything amusing these days. Letting go of her wiry biceps, he tried to collect himself. "Quit stalling," he ordered in a tight voice. "Commence your story."_

_Bravely jutting her jaw forward, she admitted, "It's Bella."_

_He let out an involuntary hiss._

"_I know you told me not to 'see' her, Edward. I tried. I was good for three whole months, but it was torture—she was my friend too!"_

_He drew his palm to his face, resting the heel of his hand on his stone forehead._

"_And when you didn't come home for the holidays, well, I missed you both so much. It was coming up on your anniversary --"_

"_My anniversary?"_

"_When you and Bella met. January eighteenth."_

_He looked stricken. January eighteenth had been the day he had plotted to kill her, in Biology class. _

_Alice resumed, "I decided to check in on Bella; just to peek. I thought it would give me some peace of mind to know that she was doing okay, and I thought it would provide you some serenity to know that too. You don't look so good, Edward."_

"_You said that already." Despite himself, he eagerly asked, "How is she? How is Bella?"_

_Alice averted her gaze. "She's a mess."_

_He resisted the impulse to grab her again, and his voice was desperate. "What do you mean?"_

"_Bella looks severely depressed, Edward. She never smiles; she hardly says a word. She's even paler and thinner than normal. She's still going to school, but she stares blankly into space, like she's the living dead."Watching Edward crumble as he too glimpsed Bella's lifeless image from her mind, Alice added softly, "In other words, brother, she looks just like you."_

_Edward folded his body onto himself; a picture of perfect anguish. "Did something happen to her?" he eventually choked out. "Did she get hurt?"_

_Alice squinted at him like he was the most obtuse man on earth. "Did something happen to her? Yes, YOU LEFT! That's what happened to her – you left her! Brazil has not been good for you, Edward. You seem to have lost a hundred I.Q. points in the rainforest."_

_He felt sickened. _He_ had caused her this pain. He had been too disgusted by himself to acknowledge that he was the source of her suffering, but he couldn't deny it anymore. However, he could continue to refuse bringing about her demise. _

_He mumbled, "At least she's still alive."_

"_What kind of life is she leading, Edward? She's a freaking zombie!"_

_Edward suddenly looked fierce, baring his teeth. "You said it was my one-year anniversary with Bella last month, Alice? Well, in the nine months that we were together, Bella almost died. Twice. Because of me. Because of her association with _me."

_He narrowed his eyes. "I can't return; to do so would be the epitome of selfishness. God, do you know how much I want to be with her? But I can't; I won't. For once in my never-ending existence, I'm not going to be a selfish vampire, doing whatever I want; whatever feels good."_

"_Oh, get over yourself, Edward. Correction – Bella almost died FOUR times in the past year. But I'm sure you'll remember that for two of those times, in the high school parking lot and Port Angeles, you _saved_ her life."_

_They stared at each other, a hostile silence enveloping them._

"_So, you won't go back to her if she's miserable without you," Alice summed up, sending him a dismayed look. "But will you return if her life is in danger?"_

_His charcoal eyes widened. "Is, is Victoria in Forks? No, she can't be – she's somewhere in the southern hemisphere . . ."_

"_Bella doesn't need vampires around to put herself in harm's way, Edward. You know that."_

"_So you're threatening me with the probability that she's going to trip on something; maybe get a bruise? Is that how you're trying to coax me back to Forks?"_

"_I wouldn't come down here for that!" she snapped. "Bella fell on the ice three times when I was watching her." A faint smile crossed her small features, but then her determined look returned. "This is different. This time Bella is _purposely_ trying to put herself in danger."_

_A dark cloud passed over his face. "I told her to keep herself safe. She promised --"_

"_Just like you promised always to stay with her?"_

"_As long as it was best for her! Getting her killed would hardly fulfill that promise."_

_Their heated exchange had once again drawn the worried stares of bystanders, and Edward forced himself to breathe, pulling back a bit. "Just tell me, Alice. Get it over with. Tell me what you've come to say."_

"_I've been watching Bella the past month," she finally confessed. "I kept hoping she would start to feel happier. I kept hoping she would start to live again. But she didn't. When I finally realized that there was nothing I could do, I decided to go join Jasper in Alaska. But then it hit me – a vision."She aimed a measured look at Edward, who anticipated her every word. "I saw Bella approaching a group of men at a bar."_

_Edward stared at her with puzzlement. "A group of men? Charlie's buddies, perhaps?"_

"_No, she didn't know these men. And that's why she went to them."_

_He began to look alarmed. "Where? When?"_

"_It had a green neon sign – I think it's a bar in Port Angeles? To the best I can tell, it's going to happen tomorrow night."_

_His cry was desperate. "Why?"_

"_I have no idea. I thought you might know."_

"_Maybe she gets hurt – maybe she'll need help from them somehow?"_

_Alice looked at him pitiably. "No, Edward. She knew it was dangerous. The look on her face . . . it was like she was attracted to the danger. It was the most alive she has looked in months."_

_Edward abruptly popped off the bench and began pacing on the lush grass, willing himself to slow down to human speed as he held his face in his hands. "I can't go back," he murmured in a strangled tone. "I can't trust myself around her . . ."_

_He spun around and faced Alice. "You saw her. You can go and stop her from approaching those men. You can keep her safe, Alice."_

_Her amber eyes hardened as she slowly stood, peering up at him with utter disappointment. "You're not going to Forks? You're not going to save her? But you love her."_

_He appeared tortured. "I'm not going to Forks _because_ I love her. She's safer without me in her life."_

"_What if those men kill her, Edward?"_

_At first he parted his lips to dispute her words but then he quickly shut his mouth, staring down at Alice as if he were seeing her for the first time. What _if_ they killed Bella? What if she died because he had not been there to protect her from harm? He remembered the vile thoughts of those thugs in Port Angeles, lewdly roaming their eyes over her precious body as they closed in on her in the darkness behind that warehouse. The ropy muscles lining his forearms rippled and flexed as he clenched his fists._

_Gauging that her argument was gaining momentum, Alice added, "What if Victoria returns to Forks before we get to her? You need to protect Bella. You need to go there."_

_Edward gazed at her, frozen by indecision. How could he put Bella in peril by being anywhere near her again? How could he risk her life by staying away?_

_Alice's elfin face began lighting up with a bright smile. Glaring at her, Edward hissed, "What could you possibly be smiling about right now?"_

"_You're going to Forks," she informed him with a definitive nod. "I just saw you there. You're going to prevent Bella from hurting herself."_

"_I am?"_

"_Yes. We're leaving on the next flight. You're going to find out why Bella is throwing herself at strangers so that you can put an end to that crazy behavior."_

"_I can't let her see me," Edward begged. "I told her she'd never see me again."_

"_You'll figure it out," Alice optimistically promised. "C'mon, let's go."_

So here he was, back in Forks. Here he was, stalking Bella. Yet he wasn't any closer to discerning why she had become a sudden thrill-seeking risk-taker.

Anxiously, Edward honed in on their conversation. "I never really 'got' _Wuthering Heights,_" Dr. Nina Carlton confessed. That comment made Edward smirk; he too had no idea why Bella read that horrible tragedy over and over. "What makes you like it so much?"

There was a white noise machine overlaying the conversation, and Edward could barely hear Bella's soft reply. "I'm not sure . . . I guess the main reason is that Catherine and Heathcliff are so devoted to each other. They do atrocious things; they are cruel and spiteful. But despite everything, they love each other. Heathcliff practically goes mad when Catherine dies, so much so that he begs her spirit to haunt him. It's romantic, I guess."

Edward shifted closer to the side of the house. Was that why Bella was trying to die? So that she could haunt him? She didn't need to die to accomplish that. She already haunted him.

"You're a romantic," Nina observed, and Edward heard the smile in her voice.

"No." Bella's voice was flat, sending a stake through his cold, dead heart.

"It sounds like the break-up really hurt you. Do you want to talk about it?"

Edward's grip tightened on the corner house, and when he looked down, the white siding had warped from his rock-hard pressure.

Evidently Bella had shaken her head because Nina gently said, "That's okay. We'll go at your pace here, Bella."

There was a pause and then Nina resumed, "Um, your dad seems really concerned about you approaching those men last night. Are _you_ concerned?"

"Of course," Bella responded. Edward evocatively recalled her pained expression from the previous evening, when she had emerged from the movie theater. "I'm not suicidal," she defiantly proclaimed.

"That's good to know," Nina responded. Edward begged to differ.

_He concealed himself behind a parked car, watching Jessica and Bella walk toward his hiding place on their way to McDonald's; Jessica chatting away and Bella silently brooding. Just like Alice had seen, once they neared the garish green neon sign for One Eyed Pete's, Bella halted, staring curiously at the four men lounging near the entrance._

_Jessica's forehead creased with confusion, whispering "Bella? What are you doing?" When Bella took a step onto the street, heading for the bar, Jessica looked dumbfounded. Edward could hear Jessica's judgmental thoughts: "I _knew_ she was a nutjob! She is unstable – I should never have agreed to go out with her! She's gonna get us killed!"_

_Edward tensed as Bella took another step toward the men, followed by another and another. Jessica scurried to catch up with her in the middle of the street and grabbed her arm, demanding to know if Bella was crazy. Unfathomably Bella sloughed her off, telling Jessica to leave her and go get something to eat. When Bella turned back to the men, Edward did everything he could not to leap out from behind the car, heave Bella over his shoulder, and dash into the forest. She was acting incredibly foolishly._

"_Bella, stop this right now!" he snarled inside his head, and miraculously, she froze in place. Edward drew a hand up to his mouth; had he said that out loud? Studying her, he noticed how the look of anguish had faded from her face, replaced with a palpable sense of relief. She looked around her, and Edward did not move a muscle, though he knew that she could not see him in the shadows of the unlit street._

"_Go back to Jessica," he silently yet furiously ordered. "You promised – nothing stupid." Somehow she seemed to hear him again, for she stood in place, looking beatific in the faint glow of the bar's neon signs._

_Edward heard footsteps from the other direction; a lone man striding toward his car from the movie theater. Reading the man's thoughts, Edward realized that the car he was hiding behind was owned by the man who was approaching. Quickly glancing at Bella, Edward silently reminded her, "Keep your promise," before stealthily shifting to another hiding spot, moving one car closer to her._

_She stood completely still, seeming to consider an idea for several seconds, with Edward's eyes glued to her. When she took another step toward the men he silently growled, "Bella, turn around!"_

_That did it; she froze again, appearing immensely relieved. Edward had no idea how she could somehow hear his thoughts when he could never hear hers, but he didn't care. He was overwhelmed with a feeling of reprieve that at any rate she would not die on his watch tonight._

_The men near the bar called out tentative greetings, watching Bella's vacillation. Once Edward listened to their thoughts, he relaxed his shoulders. They were more curious than malicious, and he knew Bella would be out of harm's way once she came to her senses and left the strangers at the bar. He felt a calming sensation, knowing that somehow, someway, he had reconnected with his love, if just for this moment. _

_Once the danger abated, however, the pain of their separation crashed into his being. To be so close to her, yet not be able to touch her, to hold her, to kiss her . . ._

Edward's upper lip trembled, feeling that same flood of hopelessness wash over him the next day, crouching behind the white house. He could never be with her again. But he could keep her safe, while she tried to heal from all the pain he had caused. It was the least he could do for her. He couldn't abandon Bella; Alice was right. Not that he'd tell that to Alice.

Now Bella was talking about Renee. Listening to her describe her scatterbrained mother, Edward was curious what the psychologist would think of Renee. Recalling psychiatry texts from medical school, Edward expected to hear thoughts about how unhealthy it had been for Bella to be "parentified" by her mother. Curiously, he could hear nothing.

Suddenly Edward figured out why he had experienced such trouble following the counseling dialogue. Typically a conversation between two people had three threads weaving in and out for him to follow: the spoken words and the unspoken thoughts of each individual. He knew that he could not hear Bella's thoughts; he had expected that. His deafness to her inner world drove him crazy. However, he finally realized what else was missing: the psychologist's thoughts! Why couldn't he read Dr. Nina Carlton's mind?

Frowning, Edward remained stock still, his own thoughts racing. He intended to get to the bottom of this momentary gap in his mind-reading powers. More importantly, he devoted himself then and there to preventing Bella from carrying out another hare-brained scheme to put herself in danger. Her lame promise to Charlie had made it sound like she was itching to enter into riskier territory in the future, and Edward avowed not to let that happen.

He needed to keep his love safe while staying out of sight, refusing to give into his selfish ways by backsliding on his promise never to let Bella see him again. Could he do it?

Closing his eyes, he listened for her heartbeat, locating that sad, steady pulse emanating from inside the building. Her lulling heartbeat steadied and strengthened him, forging a connection from afar.

As he opened his eyes, he glanced around him, once again making sure nobody had detected his presence. Scowling, he repeated one word to himself. _Stalker._


	3. Waking Up

Did anyone see Stephenie Meyer on Oprah 11-13-09? She is quite an inspiration.

3. Waking Up

"How have you been sleeping, Bella?"

Nina's question startled her. They had been discussing Bella's mother, in the middle of her first counseling session, before the psychologist had abruptly changed topics.

"Okay, I guess."

Nina frowned slightly. "Any nightmares?"

"Occasionally . . . but that's normal, right?"

"Charlie told me that you often wake up screaming?"

Gritting her teeth, Bella looked away and reluctantly nodded.

Outside the house, listening in on the counseling session, Edward bowed his head. He had just learned that his beautiful girl - his precious love - was awaking screaming in the middle of the night. He had done this to her; he had caused her this pain.

"Occasional nightmares _are_ normal," Nina gently suggested, "but frequent night terrors are a sign of extreme stress, or trauma even."

_Sounds about right,_ Bella thought.

"Night terrors can also be a sign of inadequate sleep. Do you have trouble falling asleep?"

Bella shrugged.

Nina continued, "Are you feeling rested when you wake up?"

"No."

"And how has your appetite been?"

"I eat," she defensively replied.

Nina warily eyed Bella's slight physique. "Has your appetite decreased in the past four months?"

"Maybe. I haven't really noticed."

Jotting down some notes, Nina kept the clinical interview going. "You seem rather tired. How has your energy level been?"

"I _feel_ tired," Bella admitted numbly.

"In terms of doing activities you normally enjoy, how motivated have you felt to do those activities in the past four months?"

Bella blankly stared at Nina. Activities she enjoyed? Life without Edward was not to be _enjoyed._ Life without Edward was to be _endured._

"Like how you went to the movies with your friend . . ." Nina glanced down at her notes, ". . . Jessica, was it? Have you done much of that lately?"

"I have to cook dinner for Charlie and do my homework. There's not much time to go out with my friends."

Listening to her client's rationalizations, Nina tried to align with her, attempting to help lower her defenses. "It sounds like you take good care of your dad."

"He needs me. Charlie trying to cook would be a fire hazard."

Nina smiled disarmingly. "Yes, most bachelors are clueless in the kitchen." She paused and then asked, "You said that Charlie thought you were a zombie. How has your mood been, Bella? Have you been down? Blue?"

"Um . . . I don't know . . ."

"Anxious? Stressed?"

Bella struggled to answer her question. How _had_ she been feeling? Was "dead" an emotion? How about "destroyed"?

Nina resumed, "Have you been feeling periods of intense distress, alternating with periods of utter numbness?"

When Bella snapped up her head, revealing shocked brown eyes, Nina knew that she had hit on something. "How long have you been feeling that way?"

"Since September," she choked out. His clipped parting words sheared into her.

_Bella, I don't want you._

She wrapped her arms around herself again, feeling the hole scorching through her chest, cutting and sluicing across her vital organs. Apparently she was stuck in one of those periods of intense distress as described by Nina, causing Bella momentarily to crave numbness, though she knew the sedated state was not much better than the ripping ache she was currently experiencing.

Studying her curiously, Nina observed, "I've noticed that you hold onto your sides when we're talking. Are you in pain?"

Self-consciously Bella uncrossed her arms, forcing them to relax at her sides before folding her hands nervously in her lap.

Giving her client a sympathetic glance, Nina hesitated. "Is it okay if I ask you some more questions?"

Quiet for a moment, Bella responded, "That's what psychologists do, right? Ask questions?"

"We listen, too. And you can ask _me _questions if you like."

The eighteen year-old chewed on her lip before blurting out, "Do you know my dad?"

"What?" Nina looked taken aback.

_Oh, shit,_ Edward heard, and it took him a second to realize that the thought had not been spoken aloud. Why was he unexpectedly able to hear Nina's thoughts?

"It seemed like he knew you, out there." Bella tilted her head to the waiting room. "Do you know Charlie?"

She swallowed uncomfortably. "Yes. We met two years ago."

"Where did you meet?"

All of the sudden Edward was bowled over by Nina's thoughts shouting in her head. _No! . . . Please . . . C'mon, sugar, c'mon Pocahontas, won't you show me? What're you gonna do, scalp me? . . . Please . . . No! . . . Please, just let me go . . ._

"Dr. Carlton?" Bella broke in, examining the psychologist worriedly.

Nina looked at Bella, swallowed again, and forced herself to take a deep breath. "Your father is a good police officer, Bella." She shifted in her chair, shaking out her silky black hair; managing a half-smile. "So, where were we?"

Edward squinted with confusion, squatting outside the house. Nina's inner mental workings had gone quiet again.

"Oh, yes," Nina reminded herself, glancing at her notes. "I wanted to ask you about flashbacks. Besides the nightmares, are you re-experiencing the trauma in any way?"

Perplexed, Bella asked, "What trauma?"

"Well, I'm not sure. Have you had something happen to you that felt like a life-or-death situation? Have you experienced an event that destroyed your world?"

Wide-eyed, Bella nodded, picturing the delicate leaves of a small vine maple quivering from the breeze of his passing, followed by encroaching blackness in the forest.

Nina's voice was soft. "Do you want to talk about it?"

_You're not good for me, Bella._

"I try not to think about it," Bella muttered through tight lips.

"You try to avoid thinking about the trauma?" Nina kept writing notes.

Tempted to squeeze the gaping wound in her chest but knowing the psychologist was watching her, Bella instead fidgeted with her hands in her lap, averting her eyes from Nina's piercing black gaze.

"I know today has been hard, Bella," Nina offered, and Bella looked up to find the promised kindness on the psychologist's face. "But I only have one more question as part of my assessment, okay?"

She bravely nodded.

"Have things ever gotten so bad that you've thought about hurting or killing yourself?"

Bella instantly shied away from her, shrinking back into the sofa, wearing a pained expression.

Outside the house, Edward was completely still; part of him wanting to hear her response and part of him wanting to flee from Forks and never return. The shame of his actions pressed down on him like one-hundred Emmett's leaping on his back.

"Bella?" Nina prompted.

"Do I have to answer that?"

"I'm sorry, but yes you do. You can 'pass' on other questions but I need to know if you're thinking about suicide. I have to ask that of any client who is depressed."

_"Am_ I depressed?"

"Yes, you are meeting criteria for Major Depressive Disorder," Nina confirmed. "As well as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I think. I'd like to get to know you better before I'm more certain of these diagnoses."

So she _was_ crazy. Nina already thought she had two psychiatric diagnoses and she hadn't even heard about the hallucinations, or the fact that she terribly missed her _vampire_ boyfriend. Realizing that Nina was still waiting for her to respond to her question, Bella confessed, "I could never do that to Charlie or Renee."

"You have thought about suicide, then?" Receiving a noncommittal shrug, Nina urgently pressed on: "Do you have a plan for how you might go about hurting yourself?"

Nina's smooth voice elevated shrilly at the end of that question, and Bella tilted her head, watching the psychologist inquisitively.

Edward jumped slightly when he realized that Nina's thoughts were readable once again: _Time of death was approximately sixteen-hundred hours . . . Oh, God! . . . Time of death was approximately sixteen-hundred hours . . . When are you going to let this go, Nina? . . . When will you start living again?_

"I don't have a plan," Bella insisted. She didn't want to kill herself. All she wanted was just to hear his voice again. That was all she needed.

"If you ever get close to attempting to kill yourself, will you promise to call somebody? Here," Nina took out a business card and began writing on the back of it, "I'll give you my cell phone number. Will you promise to call me, or Charlie, or your mom, or a friend first?"

"You don't have to worry about me," Bella promised, taking the card extended out to her. "I'm not suicidal." _I'm just psychotic._

"I know I don't have to worry about you. You're stronger than you think."

Bella felt anything but strong. "I am?"

Nina smiled knowingly. "You have the spirit of the wolf about you, I think."

Edward involuntarily growled, though luckily nobody heard him since he was perched outside the house.

Reading Bella's puzzled look, Nina explained, "We all have animal protectors looking over us. We'll discuss totems next time we meet."

"Next time?" There was a hint of desperation in her voice.

"Oh, yes, let me back up. Based on what I'm hearing, I recommend ongoing counseling and an evaluation for antidepressant medication with your doctor. How do you feel about that, Bella?"

"Um, medication?"

"Some people are hesitant to try medication, but it can be very helpful for overcoming depression. Why don't you think about that for a while? For the counseling, does this feel like an okay fit between us?"

"I think so . . ."

Nina gave a half-chuckle. "Good, because since I'm the only psychologist in town, there's not a lot of choice out there."

Her eyes were warm and caring. "Bella, I know you're not excited about the prospect of counseling, but are you willing to meet at least a few times? I think we can work together to help you sleep better and to get some of your liveliness back. Would you like to give it a try?"

She mulled over the question for several moments, eventually offering, "I know Charlie wants me to keep coming."

"Probably."

Bella eyed her warily. "How often would we have to meet?"

"How about once a week?"

Wondering how long she could avoid revealing the Cullens' predilection for copious amounts of iron in their diet, she finally acquiesced, "Okay."

Gripping onto the side of the house, Edward was surprised by the intensity of his relief as he listened to Bella schedule another appointment with Dr. Carlton. He supposed that he was appreciative that there would be somebody to pick up the pieces after he had so thoroughly ruined Bella's life. And, though he could not hear all of Nina's thoughts, there was something about her that made her seem trustworthy.

He stayed hidden behind the rusted downspout of the house as Bella emerged, trudging toward the police cruiser. When she opened the passenger-side door, a slight breeze ruffled her thick brown hair, lightly wafting her scent in his direction. He froze, inhaling her intoxicating bouquet, and his already constricted throat began powerfully burning. Instead of expectedly causing him pain, her scent flooded him with gratitude. He hadn't realized how deeply he had been craving his personal brand of heroin.

Before he knew it, Charlie had pulled out of the parking lot, leaving Edward pensively smoothing his fingers along the skin of his throat. Extracting his cell phone from the pocket of his jacket, he slunk into the forest without a sound.

"Is she okay?" Alice eagerly asked, picking up the phone before the first ring.

"For the moment, she is," Edward answered. "Where are you?"

She sounded insulted. "I'm in Juneau, like I said I'd be!"

"One never knows if you will indeed keep your word, sister."

"May I remind you that if it wasn't for me, you would have never known that Bella was in danger last night?"

Edward sighed, massaging his forehead while he leaned back against the trunk of an ancient evergreen. "You're right. I'm sorry; I shouldn't be yelling at you. You were right."

"What was that?" A hint of mirth crept into Alice's tinny voice. "Did you say that I was _right?"_

His teeth clenched. "Yes."

"Jasper, are you hearing this? I should get a recording of this."

"Jasper's there? Good, because I need to talk to him. But first I have a question to ask of you, Alice."

"I'll do anything for you, Edward."

He paused. She _would_ do anything for him, just like any member of his family would. He did not deserve such loyalty and kindness after acting so irritably the past four months. "I need to go hunting," he informed her. "It's not safe to be around . . . to be around her when I haven't hunted in so long. What I would like to know is - will Bella try to get herself killed in the next twenty-four hours? Did you see anything to suggest that she would be in serious danger?"

"Not really."

Edward's brows knitted together. "What did you see, Alice?"

"Well, it's kind of unclear, but I think I saw a red bicycle or something like that? But she can't get hurt riding a bike, right?"

Realizing the obvious answer to that question, both Edward and Alice started laughing.

"Hopefully she won't throw herself off the bike and get a concussion," Edward mused. "I really need to go hunt."

"Do you want me to come down there and look after her?"

"No!" he quickly replied. "Can I talk to Jasper now?"

"Fine," she huffed.

"Alice?" Edward hesitated and then softly said, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Here's Jasper."

There was now a male voice on the other line. "How's Forks?"

Thinking for a moment, Edward responded, "It's strange to be back . . . especially without the family."

"We uh, we miss you," Jasper shyly offered. "Are you doing alright being near Bella again? How is she?"

Edward could always count on Jasper to listen non-judgmentally, unlike most of his siblings. He knew that just about every family member had disagreed with his decision to leave Bella, but Jasper had been the only one to stifle his opinions on the matter.

"It's rather awful," Edward confessed. "She's . . . she's a shell of a person."

"I'm sorry, man. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yes, actually there is. Would you be willing to come to Forks for a few days?"

"Sure. What do you need?"

Edward paused. "Bella's seeing a psychologist. Charlie dragged her to see one."

Jasper chuckled. "I bet she's loving that."

He smiled for one of the first times in months. "She doesn't seem too keen on the idea. I'm not sure how much Alice told you - what am I saying, I'm sure Alice told you everything. Anyway, I'm attempting to discern why Bella is putting herself in danger, and I was hoping to learn more by eavesdropping on her counseling sessions, but I don't think it's going to work."

"Why not?"

"It's the psychologist, Jazz. I can't hear her thoughts some of the time."

There was a silence on the other end and Edward could picture Jasper's wide, startled eyes grow even larger. "Wasn't Bella the only human you couldn't hear? And now there's another one?"

"I do not know what precisely is happening," Edward shook his head, "but I am aware that therapy has much to do with feelings; emotions, and with your special talent, you might be able to determine why I can't read the psychologist's mind."

"It's worth a shot, I guess. I'll come right away."

"Thank you, Jasper."

"I've been wanting to help. With Emmett out there tracking Victoria, this will give me something to do. I'll be there soon, alright?"

"See you soon." He closed the phone and wasted no time launching himself in a speedy run through the forest, his burning throat waking him up and reminding him of two facts: He had not fed in weeks, and he was back with Bella again. He was back where he belonged.

~~ * ~~

It was quiet inside the car as they made their way to the hunting supply store. Charlie eventually broke the oppressive stillness. "Do you have another meeting set up with Nina, then?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Thursday, after school."

They lapsed into silence once again, before she nervously asked, "Dad, how do you know Dr. Carlton?"

Charlie was quiet for several moments. "That's a story for her to tell, not me."

"She won't tell it. I already asked her."

"Then that's her prerogative, Bells."

"That's not fair. So _I_ have to spill my heart out but you and Nina are allowed to keep everything private?"

"Hey, _she's_ not the one throwing herself at strange men." _At least not anymore,_ he added silently.

"You were never supposed to hear about that." Glancing out the passenger side window with a stormy look, she promised, "I'm going to kill Angela. Right after I dispatch with Jessica."

Charlie hid a smirk as he pulled into the parking lot of the Newton's store. "Don't be too hard on them. I already got on Angela's case when she told me that she didn't carry mace in her purse. I let her know how dangerous that was, especially with the wild animals being spotted around Forks."

"Ohh," Bella groaned as she slid out of the police cruiser and headed toward the store, joining Charlie around the hood of the vehicle. "Please tell me you didn't have the mace conversation with her."

"Of course I did. And you and I will be having that same conversation every time you leave the house, after that stunt you pulled last night."

"I can't wait."

Hearing his daughter's sarcasm, Charlie suddenly realized that she had come alive again, if only for a brief moment. They were verbally sparring just like old times, and he cherished the rare spirit Bella was showing.

When they reached the store entrance, Charlie opened the door for her and awkwardly draped his arm around her shoulders as she tried to walk through.

Glancing up at him, a bit surprised by his touch, she listened to him clear his throat and mumble, "Thanks, uh, thanks for seeing Nina, Bells."

She noticed the lines of worry contouring his face, and she nodded embarrassingly. As he dropped his arm and let her walk into the store, he watched the Newton boy's face light up once he saw them.

"Hi, Bella!"

Author Note:

I think that Alice's vision of the red bike wasn't quite accurate? *giggles*

I did want to emphasize that I will try to update this story weekly. Thanks for reading! Jen


	4. Reckless and Stupid

Thank you to my good friend radiofreeamy for pimping this fic, and to my buddy vamplicious for providing some clever plot ideas. I hope that newcomers are enjoying the story so far.

In this chapter we will find out a little more about psychologist Nina Carlton's past. She just might be related to some characters we know!

4. Reckless and Stupid

The ride home with Mike had not been _too_ bad. When Mrs. Newton had released her early due to lagging business, Bella had not wanted to bother Charlie again so soon after he had dropped her off, so Mike had reluctantly agreed to drive her home. Mike had seemed shocked that she actually answered a few of his questions, leading to a semi-normal conversation between them. At least he hadn't suggested they go out on a date or anything. She wasn't sure if she could have handled that kind of attention at this point, just as she was starting to wake up from months and months of apathetic numbness. The pounding ache of loss was the only thing she could focus on now.

Once she arrived home, the general sense of malaise and exhaustion set in once again, yet she dared not try to sleep lest she experience another hellish nightmare. She roamed from room to room, trying to find something to distract her, but failing. Nina's concluding words kept running through her mind: "What are your goals for therapy? What do you want to change or improve in your life?" The psychologist had looked at her expectantly.

_Not thinking, Bella automatically replied, "My only goal is to get him back."_

"_Your ex-boyfriend?"_

_Bella reluctantly nodded._

"_What's his name?"_

_She shuddered, shaking her head vehemently. "I, I don't want to say his name out loud."_

_Nina sighed. "Successful goals are controllable goals, Bella. I know you want him back, but unfortunately that is not under your control. I'd like you to think about some specific goals that _are_ under your control, and we'll review them when we meet again on Thursday."_

Flopping herself back on her bed, Bella hopelessly stared up at the ceiling. What _did_ she want? What was under her control? _Nothing._ Ever since he had left, her life had spun extremely out of control. She wished she could tell him that he had been dead wrong. The danger did not lie in her getting hurt by one of his kind. No -- the true danger solidly lay in her getting hurt by _him._ When he had tried to erase himself from her life, instead of providing her protection, he had only presented her with pain.

Her eyes drifted over to the scrapbook her mother had given her for her birthday, lying on her floor. The same scrapbook from which he had secretly wrenched out every beautiful picture of himself and his family . . .

_It will be as if I'd never existed._

Unable to lie motionless on her back one second longer, she popped off her mattress and meandered into the kitchen. Maybe she should eat something. When she opened the refrigerator, however, everything looked repulsive. Shutting the door firmly, she thought that perhaps she should call a friend – Charlie would approve of that. Taking her phone out of her pocket, she stared stupidly at her contact list for a second. Who in the heck would she call? Not Jessica, who probably thought she had lost her marbles, and definitely not Angela. Bella was far too angry to call that traitor. And, she realized dejectedly, she certainly could not call Alice.

Idly walking through the house, her mind kept wandering. What _was_ her therapy goal? To try to start living again? To move on? Was that even possible without him in her life? As if her body was answering her question, the hole in her chest began boring into her, stealing her breath with its penetrating intensity. Instinctively she wrapped her arms around her torso, grateful that the prying eyes of the psychologist were nowhere near. Unfortunately, no matter how tightly she held herself, the pain would not remit.

Grabbing the keys to the truck, she dashed outside into the pelting rain. Seeing the familiar rusted red color of the 1953 Chevy calmed her somewhat, and climbing into the sturdy interior, dry yet musty, let her finally exhale. However, the pain lived here too. The gaping black hole in the dashboard, where the stereo once had been, reminded her of her own dark cavity, and she tore her eyes away from the console to focus on firing up the antique engine.

She wasn't paying attention to where she was driving, rambling down wet side streets with the ever-present tapping of raindrops on the rusted hood lulling her into a trance. Visions of black pine boughs swam through her mind as her eyes filled with tears. Would she ever be able to achieve the same sense of numbness that had recently enveloped her for months? Or was this pressing ache in her chest all that awaited her for the rest of her days? Would the pain ever subside? Horrible thoughts flooded her mind.

_I'll never be able to move on._

_I'll never be able to find anyone else. Nobody else would ever matter so much to me._

_It was once in a lifetime that a man so exquisite would pretend to want to be with plain old me. I knew it wouldn't last. I'm ruined forever._

With one hand she pressed down on the ripping hole in her ribcage as tears began cascading down the smooth contours of her pallid, washed out face. Realizing she should not keep driving while so incapacitated, Bella stamped on the brake and pulled over on the side street, resting her forehead on the cool steering wheel while her body racked with sobs. There was no way out. She was trapped.

_It will be as if I'd never existed._

What a foolish promise! He may have pilfered his pictures, but his essence was etched into her heart. His existence in her life could _never _be erased. She sniffed and gasped, though the huge hole in her chest thwarted her futile attempts to breathe.

_Don't do anything reckless or stupid._

An equally inane promise. Well, if he wasn't following his end of the deal, then she was determined not to keep hers, darn it!

Her petulant thoughts sparked a small sense of resolve that slowed her tears, and she unhurriedly lifted her head, finding her arms defiantly folding themselves across her chest. After years of taking care of her scatterbrained mother, acting as the parent to her parent, Bella realized that she was finally behaving like a real teenager. She had gone from wise and self-sacrificial to grouchy and bad-tempered, sporting a snappish "I'll show them" attitude. Nobody was going to tell her what to do. Even _him._

Peering through the raindrops at her surroundings, she grimly acknowledged that finding a way to be reckless in safe, little Forks would be akin to feeling cold and wet in Phoenix. Figuring out that she was on Russell Avenue, she glanced around at the small homes lining the street. Almost as if it were calling to her, her eyes were drawn to a sign in the Marks' yard – a scrap of cardboard perched against the post of their mailbox, with a messy hand-printed message.

FOR SALE, AS IS

When her gaze lifted to see the decrepit motorcycles corroding on the front lawn, Bella was struck by a sense of destiny. Charlie's pet words for describing motorcycles came to mind: _Reckless and stupid._

Ten minutes later she was heading to La Push, wearing a devious look, recalling what she had told the Marks boy after they had loaded the heavy bikes onto the bed of her truck. "That's okay. I know someone who builds cars."

~~ * ~~

Juggling three bags of groceries in her arms, Nina Carlton blindly stepped into the darkened kitchen, managing to set down and right the wobbling bags before they tumbled off the counter.

Noticing how uncharacteristically quiet the house was as she lifted out a carton of juice out from one bag, Nina hesitated. "Mom?"

Her long fingers clutched tighter around the carton, suspended midair. "Mom, are you okay?" Again hearing no response, she swiftly strode into the family room. Finding it empty, she turned the corner and scrambled up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

She found her mother in her bedroom, sprawled out on a chair with her long grey hair tousled over the back of the cushion. The unnatural angle of her mother's head, almost lolling back against the chair, indicated to Nina that this was no leisurely nap.

"Mom!" she cried out with alarm, racing forward and kneeling by the chair.

With effort, Wuti Uley slowly peeled open her black eyes, aiming a disappointed glance at her daughter. Weakly she asked, "Where have you been?"

Ignoring the question, Nina disdainfully replied, "I'm not even going to bother to take your sugar." She held up the needle. ""Where is your glucose source up here in the bedroom? You need to take better care of yourself!"

"What do you care, daughter? You leave me alone all day -- "

The older woman's complaints were cut short by her daughter tilting the juice carton up to her lips, forcing her to drink some of the orange liquid. Nina dabbed a drop of juice that had fallen onto her mother's gaudy floral nightgown.

Frowning, Nina watched her mother's trembling slowly subside. When Wuti seemed strong enough to listen, Nina commented, "You know I work on Saturdays."

"I thought you were done at 2:00. You should have been home hours ago."

"I needed to fit a new client into my schedule today – sort of an emergency. It was a favor for a friend." She smiled faintly, thinking about the police chief, but her smile faded as she remembered Charlie telling her about Bella waking up screaming from nightmares. The girl's intense distress concerned Nina, especially since Bella had not been very forthcoming in their first session. This teenaged client would be a challenge.

"You're still late," Wuti muttered.

"And then I went to the grocery store, where I ran into two of my clients." She grimaced. "That was really fun; it's great being a psychologist in a small town. I actually caught one of my clients checking out the items in my cart – I wonder if they were looking for booze, or cigarettes, or, or condoms . . ."

"You haven't bought condoms since 1989. They should have known better."

Nina's black eyes narrowed. Evidently her mother was feeling livelier, as evidenced by the resumption of her usual barbs.

"Did you get coffee filters?"

Nina cocked her head to one side. "No? They weren't on the list."

"I told you we needed them!"

"When? I don't remember that."

"You are forgetful these days – you seem preoccupied, Nina. Maybe _you_ should get checked for diabetes."

Still on her knees, Nina was eye-level when she scowled at her mother. "That would be unlikely. I didn't get gestational diabetes when I was pregnant, like you did." She cringed, wishing she had not brought up her own pregnancy. She tried never to think of him.

Wuti mused, "The sacrifices we make for our children."

_Or the sacrifices we make for our parents,_ Nina silently countered.

Wuti implored, "Well, how about licorice? Did you get any at the grocery store?"

Nina arched one eyebrow. "You know you're not supposed to eat candy."

The grey-haired woman dismissively flicked her hand a few times. "Eh, one piece won't kill me."

"Hehewuti Clearwater Whitefish!" Nina admonished, her hands perched on her hips. "You have a life-threatening illness! I seem to be more worried about your health than you are."

"Humph," Wuti countered. "You don't worry about me. Nobody cares about me. Even my own brother doesn't have the decency to look in on his older sister once in a while."

_Harry Clearwater is a smart man,_ Nina thought uncharitably.

Wuti sat up a little more in the chair, and her lecture resumed, "All you care about is your 'clients'. You care more about your work than your family; you work too much."

Nina's throat tightened; this was familiar territory they were covering. Why did she only lose her cool when sparring with her mother? She was perfectly calm in the midst of a clinical crisis, but spending even one minute with her mother could put her over the edge.

Nina took a deep breath. "Somebody's got to pay the bills around here."

"I've heard _that_ one before."

Tossing her glossy black hair over her shoulder, Nina fumed, "Don't compare me to my father."

"Hush, daughter," Wuti corrected. "It is wrong to speak of the deceased."

"And is it also wrong to speak of drunks? Like drunks who cause their own deaths?"

Observing her daughter's defiant glare, Wuti shook her head. "You are disrespectful to your ancestors. I taught you better than that."

"I'm forty years old, Mother. I call it like it is. And I would hope my ancestors would want me to speak the truth." Seeing that they were getting nowhere, Nina rose to her feet.

"The way you see the world isn't necessarily the truth."

"We all have our own truths," Nina shrugged, "myself included. Even people who experience, uh, _hallucinations,_ see their own truths."

Wuti's black eyes took on a calculating flicker. "Speaking of hallucinations, I'm envisioning you bringing me up a tray full of a delicious dinner in about twenty minutes." She batted her eyelashes alluringly. "Would that be a hallucination or a reality?"

When her mother aimed an impish grin up at her, Nina felt her anger melting away. She placed the tips of her forefingers onto her temples and closed her eyes, as if foretelling the future. "And I'm envisioning you taking better care of yourself, so we won't have a repeat performance of tonight, with me finding you heading into a diabetic coma." She met her mother's engaging black eyes with a persuasive stare of her own. "Would that be truth or fiction?"

"Hmm; definitely fiction."

Nina sighed dramatically. "At least you're honest." She felt her stomach grumble. "And luckily _your_ vision of dinner was not a hallucination . . . I won't have to lock you up in a padded cell just yet, I guess. But since I have to put away the groceries first, it will be more like thirty minutes before dinner will be ready."

"Take your time," Wuti offered magnanimously.

"And there _won't_ be any licorice for dessert."

Witnessing her mother's pout, Nina could not help but smile while strolling down the stairs.

As she prepared a meal of chicken fajitas, she mulled over her current circumstances. Never in one-hundred moons would she have predicted that she would be back living in her parents' home, divorced and childless. A stab of pain pierced her heart when the word "childless" echoed throughout the caverns of her mind, and she tried to distract herself by cutting the red pepper into careful strips.

Soon her mind drifted to the past again, however. When the divorce had been finalized over two years ago, there had been no reason to stay in San Diego. Correction: after what had happened, it had been far too painful to remain in San Diego. _I'm cutting peppers,_ she reminded herself in a steely tone, _I'm cutting peppers._

And when her mother's diabetes had taken a turn for the worse, Nina had known that she must return to Forks to take care of the cantankerous Wuti. The Quileutes had drummed into her the importance of loyalty to family, even when the family was dysfunctional as hell. Even when the Quileute tribe wanted nothing to do with _her_ family.

After Nina delivered the meal to her mother, Wuti glanced down scornfully at the fajita fixings.

"Where's the sour cream?"

"You're supposed to avoid too much fat in your diet, Mom."

"Tell that to my brother. He eats crap all day long."

"He doesn't have diabetes though."

"Yes, but he does have high cholesterol – he should be more careful."

Nina gestured to the tray. "I _did_ give you some cheese."

"Wow."

She ignored her mother's snide remark and began assembling her own fajita on the plate on her lap. Meals consumed in the bedroom had become more common of late; a sign of her mother's declining health. Nina tried not to think about it.

As Wuti chewed on her food, her lined brown face contorted into a grimace. "A little piece of wisdom, daughter: perhaps you should avoid cooking for a man on the first date, if you want a second one, that is. Cooking is not your strong suit."

Nina practically snorted. Finding a date in Forks would be less likely than experiencing a cold, wet day in San Diego.

Wuti continued the prodding. "What are you doing for Thursday? I'm guessing you don't have a date."

"Thursday?" Nina repeated, puzzled.

"Valentine's Day, of course."

Nina suddenly paled. With trembling hands, she set her plate aside on the bedspread.

"What's wrong?"

"I . . ." words stuck in Nina's throat. Feeling trapped, she rushed out of the room and darted into her own bedroom, swiftly closing the door behind her.

Wuti looked bewildered. She knew that Nina did not enjoy her wheedling attempts to push her back into the dating world, but her daughter typically responded somewhat good-naturedly, knowing that she had Nina's best interests at heart. What had she said this time?

Then Wuti's fork clattered to her plate. Valentine's Day. February fourteenth. It had been her grandson's birthday.

She put her hand over her mouth. How could she have been so reckless and stupid to forget the importance of that date? "I'm sorry," Wuti whispered. "I'm so sorry, Nina."

Author's Note:

What did you think of the New Moon movie? Here's what I thought (DO NOT READ if you haven't seen _New Moon_ yet):

Overall I give the movie an A-. I realized the secret of the movies' success: Rob Pattinson. He is a magnetic actor, and when he is on screen, I can't take my eyes off of him. This secret became much more obvious to me in the scenes without Edward. While Kristen and Taylor tried their hardest to portray the characters with passion and intensity, I wasn't buying it. I did not feel any chemistry between them in their scenes, further solidifying my place on Team Edward, and I found myself a little bored during those scenes. I did love Jacob as a wolf--they managed to make him look menacing and cute at the same time! And, in particular, I enjoyed the characterization of Jessica (though one of her lines sounded far too intelligent for her--I picture her more as an airhead), Charlie, and Aro. Dakota Fanning also did well in her small role, I thought.

As you can see, I'm going to explore some of the Quileute "soap opera" in Nina's backstory, and it was cool to learn more about the wolves in the movie.

Thank you for reading! Jen


	5. Special Talents

Thank you to vamplicious for a great idea about incorporating Jasper into this story! You are one clever woman, vampy. I also appreciate the official _Mimiteh_ medical consultant, Nora, helping me make Wuti's diabetic treatment more realistic in the last chapter.

I do not own these characters or their special talents.

I appreciate you reading this story! Jen

5. Special Talents

"Why do we have to time our arrival for 4:00 a.m.?"

Edward glanced darkly at Jasper as they walked through the forest behind Bella's home. "Because that's when her nightmares start."

Though there was no moonlight to illuminate the deep, black forest, Jasper could still make out Edward's face contorting with heavy guilt. "But, uh, what if she has a nightmare _before_ 4:00? Shouldn't we be there all night?"

"I can't do that to her. I don't deserve to be in her presence that long, not after I have caused her so much suffering."

Jasper nodded with understanding. He knew that there was no place Edward would rather be than at Bella's side, even if she had no idea he was there. But he had forced himself to stay away, even when he was now residing in the same location as her. His self-control was simply extraordinary.

Edward added, "Besides, I came way too close to rushing into her room, to . . . hold her, to try to console her, when she was . . . _screaming_ last night." His voice broke with anguish. "It's too much of a risk for me to stay with her throughout the night."

"So that's why you want me here? To prevent you from letting Bella know you're in Forks?"

Edward replied, "Yes, and I'm hoping your particular talents will assist Bella in another way, too. Thank you for agreeing to come here – you're a tremendous help."

Jasper grimaced and looked down, staring at the bed of pine needles and dirt swiftly passing underfoot. "You don't have to thank me, Edward."

"Of course I do. Alice has made it all too clear how obnoxious I've been the past few months, and I intend to rectify that misbehavior at once."

"What I meant was . . ." Jasper pressed his lips together and aimed his huge glowing eyes at his brother. "I'm the one who created this whole mess. It's the least I could do, to come here and try to help you."

"No, Jasper. What happened on Bella's birthday . . ." he paused, trying to find the right words. "Well, it was just a matter of time before our world and _her_ world collided so calamitously. I'm the one who foolishly tried to crash those worlds together, and Bella is still feeling the aftershocks. It wasn't your fault."

Jasper grunted with disagreement. "But I can feel your anger rolling off you like waves."

"The anger is purely self-directed; I assure you."

Jasper slowed down as the neared Bella's backyard. "I don't know how you're doing this. If I had to separate myself from Alice for the rest of my existence . . . well, there's no way I could do it. I might have to try to find a way to kill myself. I don't think I'd feel joy ever again."

_Joy?_ There had not been many opportunities to experience joy in Edward's one hundred-four years, and certainly none in the past one-hundred four days. When was the last time he had felt joy? His mind drifted back to driving Bella to his house on her birthday, chugging along at a slower-than-human pace in her rusted Chevy. She had turned her luminous brown eyes to him, warning him to take it easy on her vehicle. Naturally, he had protested.

_You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power . . ._

She had waited a full two seconds before rushing in to defend her prehistoric Chevy, and he had savored every moment of their argument. The corners of his eyes tightened, realizing there would never again be an argument about him buying her nice things.

"Let's do this," Edward whispered desolately, at the edge of the clearing.

_Wait,_ Jasper silently implored. _What exactly is your long-term plan here?_

"I don't have a plan."

_You always have a plan._

Edward shook his head in frustration. "I'll stay in Forks until I'm sure Bella isn't going to harm herself, intentionally anyway. I owe her that much."

_And then what?_

"And then I rejoin Emmett in tracking Victoria."

_And when you find Victoria and kill her, then what?_

Edward grimaced, and his stiff throat burned, already catching a whiff of Bella's gorgeous scent in the ambience surrounding her home. "I will continue the same life I led before I met Bella."

_You know what Carlisle says. Once an emotional experience changes us, we can never go back. We are forever altered._

"Please, Jasper. Please just let me get through this, alright?"

_I'm sorry._

"I know."

_I just hate seeing you in so much pain._

Edward nodded, offering a sad smile. "Though you hate _feeling _my pain even more."

Jasper shrugged, and quietly spoke, "This is a time when our supernatural powers do more harm than good. I'd rather not experience your acute pain myself, and you'd rather not know that I did."

"I'd rather not know a lot of things," he softly agreed. He squared his shoulders. "It seems that _my_ grotesque talent is utterly wasted on Bella, but _yours_ might still do some good. Let's go."

Their swift, silent approach landed them outside her bedroom window in seconds. They crouched easily in the tree next to the closed window, oblivious to the bitterly cold winds characterizing February in Washington. Both struggled with her lingering scent, each for different reasons.

Flowing from her bedroom, a melancholy ache washed over Jasper, and he found himself grasping tightly to the thick branch in order not to be carried away in a flood of affecting pain. The intensity of Bella's emotion surprised him. Did Edward realize how absolutely bereft she had become in his absence? Glancing over at the tormented expression on his brother's face, Jasper had his answer.

Attempting to calm Edward down with a distracting question, Jasper asked, "Her father doesn't snore, I guess?"

After listening for a moment, Edward answered, "He usually does, but Charlie is awake right now." When he noticed Jasper's curious look, he guiltily added, "He's waiting for her screams to start."

Apparently the distraction had not helped dissuade Edward from his colossal self-reproach.

"Charlie is debating whether or not to go into her room, once she starts screaming," Edward continued. "He's not sure if going in there helps her, or makes it worse for her. He knows that she worries about him, especially when _he_ worries about _her_."

"What do you want me to do if she starts, uh . . . if she yells? Prevent you from flying in there? That might create a little noise if I have to restrain you . . ." Jasper's voice trailed off and he closed his eyes, astutely taking the emotional temperature of the atmosphere. "Wait a minute; the sorrow has become less acute. She's starting to panic."

"Her heart-rate is skyrocketing," Edward agreed in a distraught tone. He turned to his companion, and his golden eyes were earnest and direct. "Don't worry about me losing control and going in there. I'd like you to help _her,_ Jasper; not me. Calm her down from whatever nightmare she is experiencing. Give her one night where she doesn't have to scream, because of me, alright?"

"Of course," he immediately replied, pleased to have a purpose; pleased to help Edward, and, if he thought about it, pleased to help Bella too. Jasper turned to the window and breathed in and out slowly, deeply; exuding calming energy with each exhalation. It helped him when he concentrated on a particular color, matching the emotion he wished to evoke. Tonight he saw a cool sapphire blue, picturing the azure color embodied by a thick, opaque liquid that oozed over the white house in a soothing drizzle.

Bella, in contrast, experienced a different color palette in her dream; a chaotic mix of pulsating bottle-greens and olives and evergreens and browns and blacks . . . most of all an oppressive black, as the forest closed in on her. She kept searching, frantically seeking his trail, stumbling, gasping for air, hunting, pursuing . . .

Her breath sharpened and she began whimpering, leading Jasper to clench his teeth in frustration, attempting to will the human inside the house to settle down.

The muscles lining Edward's jaw rippled with agony and he clamped down on a branch, finding the wood pulverized in his grasp but in a flash grabbing hold of another branch before he was in any danger of falling.

A strangled cry came from Bella's beautiful lips as she began panting, preparing to scream. Edward hissed, "Jasper!"

_I'm trying!_ he replied with an intense scowl.

_Please don't scream, honey. Please be okay._ Charlie's pleas flooded Edward's mind, further enveloping him in a suffocating blanket of guilt.

In their respective places, the two vampires and one human seized up with tension, waiting to hear the agonizing sounds of pain coming from their loved one. Their dread was palpable.

Finally Bella's pounding pulse began descending, accompanied by a gradual slowing of her respiration. Through the window they watched her slender body roll over on her other side, facing them now with her long hair falling softly across her face. Still asleep, her arms entwined themselves around her torso, as if she were holding herself together. Her blood-red lips muttered unintelligible words.

Edward observed her distress with horror. Though she had not screamed, he could not fathom her enduring such intense suffering every single night. What had he done?

Feeling the tension of the moment begin to abate, Jasper asked, "What do you think her nightmare was about?"

Edward exhaled disgustedly. "She's probably reliving the time James almost killed her." He stilled, listening quietly. "Charlie thinks the counseling is already helping her. He thinks that's why she didn't scream tonight." Giving his brother a slight smirk, he added, "Thank you. You're much better than any therapist, in my book."

"It's only a temporary change, Edward. I can't heal her permanently."

"But you helped tonight, and for that I am grateful." He snuck a look at Jasper and then stared down at the ground, appearing to want to say something but hesitating. Finally he managed to ask, "What took so long to calm her down?"

"I'm sorry about that. I think, um, that her suffering is so intense . . . that it was difficult to change the course of her emotional state." He clamped one hand over Edward's granite shoulder. "She's really hurting."

Even though he already knew what Jasper was thinking, Edward still appeared stricken by his words. He flinched back, leading Jasper's hand to fall from his shoulder. "I um, I need to be by myself for a while?"

Suddenly Jasper was alone in the tree. He pursed his lips together, sensing Edward's anguish still lingering in the night air.

_I understand_, Jasper replied, easing himself down to the ground, hitting the cold earth silently. _Take your time, brother._

Walking toward the forest, a frown etched itself onto his face. "Special talents," Jasper muttered. His ability to sense and manipulate emotions had not helped prevent him from attacking Bella that night four months ago, trying to drink her alive. Likewise, Edward's ability to read minds as well as Bella's apparent talent at blocking that ability both meant very little when they were too miserable to want to live.

Jasper didn't know whose misery was worse – Bella's, or Edward's. All he knew was that their separation seemed to be killing them both.

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading and reviewing! We'll be back to a therapy session in the next two chapters.


	6. Life Without Ed

I appreciate all of your awesome reviews! They motivate me to write faster.

I'm really liking the new Rhianna song, _Russian Roulette._ Some of the lyrics made me think of Bella, so I decided to include them in this chapter. I do not own the lyrics, the characters, the storyline, etc. I just enjoy throwing these complex characters in therapy!

6. Life Without Ed

_And you can see my heart beating  
You can see it through my chest_

_  
Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving  
Know that I must pass this test_

_  
So just pull the trigger_

~Rhianna,_ Russian Roulette_

~~ * ~~

Nina's heart pounded with distress as a lone tear cascaded down her cheek. _Get a grip_, she chided, lacing her trembling hands together on the surface of her desk. Her eyes drifted to her calendar, regretfully confirming that she was booked straight through for this evening. Should she clear her schedule? She had thought that seeing clients today would provide a useful distraction, but she was beginning to doubt the wisdom of that plan. She was such a mess that she had no idea how she was supposed to help others with their emotional problems when she was so incapacitated by her own feelings.

_February fourteenth_. Adam's birthday . . . he'd been a Valentine's baby. He would have been seventeen today, making him one year younger than the next client on her schedule, Bella Swan.

She glanced at her watch: 4:03. She was already late. Angrily she plucked a tissue from the box on her desk, fighting to take some deep breaths.

Perched at the side of the house, wondering when Bella's session was going to begin, Jasper shook his head sadly. "I'm feeling waves of pain from that woman. You're sure she's the shrink and not the patient?"

Edward frowned. "Nina should cancel the appointment; she's in no state to try to help Bella."

"You can hear her thoughts now?"

Edward grimly replied, "She's mourning the loss of a boy named Adam. Today would be his birthday. He would be seventeen."

Slowly nodding, pieces of the puzzle began clicking together for Jasper. "Adam was her son."

"How do you know that?"

"It's the particular flavor of her emotions. Esme feels the same way when she remembers her baby boy that died. It's like a deep maternal guilt or something."

Edward looked puzzled. "Why would Nina feel guilty?"

Jasper shrugged. "_You're_ the one that reads minds."

Listening closely, Edward shook his head. "Not anymore. She's gone quiet again."

Wringing her hands on her lap, Bella looked up as the psychologist opened her office door and stepped into the waiting room. "Ready, Bella?"

Wanting to answer _No way,_ Bella instead nodded and marched into the office, so consumed by her own anxiety that she failed to notice the lines of sadness tugging down the corners of Nina's eyes.

When Bella hurriedly stepped around the coffee table, her backpack swept past a bushy fern plant, making the pot wobble on its stand. "Oh!" she cried, spinning around to right the plant but in the process getting her foot tangled in the legs of the coffee table, making her stumble and careen to one side. Bella scrabbled for a hold on the plant stand and was starting inevitably to tumble to the floor before Nina swiftly stepped forward to grasp her elbow from behind, gently providing enough support to prevent her from plummeting downward. Nina even managed to steady the plant with her other hand while Bella got her footing.

"Great," Bella muttered, her cheeks aflame. Nina let her warm hand rest on Bella's shoulder for a moment before taking a step back.

Bella carefully crossed over to the easy chair and plopped down on it, sporting an intense scowl. Glancing up, she found Nina's upper lip trembling as if the psychologist was suppressing a smile. Kicking the offending backpack to the side, Bella rued, "Sorry. I'm a bit of a klutz."

"Nonsense," Nina countered. "I was just thinking that I needed to trim back that plant. It's kind of taking over the office."

Bella shot her a grateful look.

Outside the house, Edward softly chuckled.

"So," Nina began, sinking into the sofa across from Bella, "how has your week been?"

"Okay."

There was a silence between them, and Nina quickly realized that her client was not going to expound upon her answer. That was alright; the psychologist enjoyed the challenge. It was actually a nice distraction. "Our first meeting was on a Saturday – how was the rest of your weekend?"

"Um, it was okay, I guess. I didn't stay at work very long on Saturday because there weren't many customers."

"Where do you work?"

"Do you know the Newton's store?" When Nina gave her a blank look, Bella prompted, "We sell sporting goods?"

"Oh, yes, I think I've driven by there?"

Bella raised one eyebrow. In a small town like Forks, didn't _everyone_ know the Newton's store?

Nina blushed slightly, reading her puzzlement. "I don't get out much." She winked.

Bella could relate.

"How did you spend the rest of your Saturday? Was Charlie home?"

"He was working."

Nina tilted her head to one side. "He works on Saturdays?"

Bella gave a slight shrug. "Charlie has been working more since some huge bears have been sighted by hikers."

To the side of the house, right outside Nina's office, Jasper gave Edward a curious look. "Bears?"

"That's news to me," Edward responded.

"You don't seem too frightened by the reports of bears?" Nina asked Bella.

"Charlie told me to stay out of the woods, and that's fine by me." Bad things happened in the woods, as far as Bella was concerned.

"Well, I'm not scared of them either," Nina proclaimed. "Bears represent courage and power; the guardians of our world."

Jasper wryly commented, "Sounds just like a snack Emmett would enjoy."

"But we'll get into the stuff about totems later," Nina resumed. "Since Charlie wasn't home, how did you entertain yourself all weekend?"

Miraculously a small smile spread across Bella's vacant face. "I went to visit a friend. He's helping me with a project."

"Really? It sounds like you two had a nice time together."

"Jacob is a good friend."

Jasper stole a glance at his brother, who was perfectly still, listening intently. Jasper asked, "How's the telepathy going?"

Edward appeared angry. "I'm hearing as much as you are at this point."

Nina repeated, "Jacob?"

"Jacob Black."

Nina swallowed. "Is he related to Billy Black?"

Bella nodded. "Yeah – Billy is his dad."

"How, um," Nina cleared her throat, "How do you know Jacob?"

"Interesting," Edward cut in. "I can hear the psychologist's thoughts again."

"What's she saying?" Jasper asked.

"Sounds like _'I'm sorry'_." Edward squinted. "She keeps thinking, _'I'm sorry, Billy'_."

Jasper frowned. "That matches the guilt that's pouring out of her again."

Bella addressed Nina's question about how she knew Jacob. "Charlie and Billy are friends. I used to play with Jacob on the reservation, when we were kids . . . when I was visiting my dad in the summers." She glanced nervously at Nina. "Um, do you live on the reservation?"

"No."

"Are you, uh . . . ?"

"I'm Quileute, yes." Nina sighed, reluctantly admitting, "My father was Jonathan Whitefish." The office phone began ringing but Nina did not answer it.

"Do you need to get that?" Bella wondered.

"No; I don't answer calls when I'm in session."

Jasper asked, "Is Nina angry about something?"

"Her father," Edward confirmed. "She's calling him a damn alcoholic . . . wait; now she's saying _Rest in peace, Dad. There you go, Mom, see, I'm not such a horrible daughter!"_

"So far I'm getting a lot more emotion from Nina than from Bella," Jasper frowned.

"What _is_ Bella feeling?"

Jasper looked warily at Edward. "You know . . . she's, uh, depressed."

Edward averted his eyes.

Trying to regain control of the conversation, Nina asked, "So, what kind of project are you working on with Jacob?"

Edward leaned forward, intrigued by the increase in Bella's heart-rate.

"Oh, it's nothing, really," Bella responded with a forced light tone. Edward could bet on the fact that she was blushing. She was a horrible liar.

The phone was ringing again, and Nina let it go to voice mail, but when the rings instantly resumed, she frowned with irritation while walking over to her desk. "Mind if I take this call real fast?"

"Sure!" Bella eagerly concurred – anything to get the spotlight off of her.

Edward slouched; it didn't seem they would be hearing an explanation of this mysterious "project" Bella was engaging in with the conniving Jacob Black. And he couldn't follow Bella to Quileute territory to discover the details, either.

"Dr. Carlton," Nina spoke into the phone. She instantly grimaced, lowering her voice. "Mom, I'm in session!" She hesitated a moment, listening, and then exasperatedly hissed, "I already _said_ I would call him today!"

When Nina spun around in her desk chair, turning her back to Bella and speaking furtively into the phone, Bella smirked knowingly. She wondered if Renee would still be sending frantic emails or phone calls to her when she was middle-aged, bugging her like Nina's mother seemed to be doing.

Then Bella looked down, feeling a sense of hopelessness wash over her. Middle age seemed ridiculously far away . . . it was impossible to imagine dragging herself through another twenty years of this miserable existence, each year distancing herself farther away from his seventeen year-old chiseled beauty; growing weary and wrinkled, never escaping from the unremitting pain of their separation . . .

The pulsating ache began radiating from her chest once again, and she crossed her arms in front of her, rocking her body in an attempt to ease the pain. Fortunately Nina, with her back to her, noticed none of this strange behavior.

_And you can see my heart beating  
You can see it through my chest_

Bella got up off the chair before she started crying. Though there were plentiful boxes of tissues littering the office, she never wanted to have to use them. She never wanted to be that weak. Noticing that Nina was still on the phone, Bella strolled over to the bookshelves, marveling at the scads of self-help and counseling technique books lining them.

Edward explained, "Nina's mother is reminding her to call her ex-husband today. Nina doesn't want to make the call but knows she should. She's annoyed with her mother."

Jasper squinted. "So she hated her father, and her mother drives her up the wall? Nice family she's got."

A small crooked smile lifted the corner of Edward's lips. "When I was in medical school, it was often believed that the students coming from the most dysfunctional families were the ones to choose the specialty of psychiatry. They were perhaps trying to figure out their own problems most of all."

"Huh," Jasper's mouth twisted into a contemplative expression. "Never heard that before. All I've heard is that shrinks' kids are supposed to be screwed up."

Edward looked saddened. "Well, with Nina's son, I guess we'll never know."

Relieved that she had convinced her mother to finish the conversation, Nina replaced the phone on the cradle and looked up to see Bella standing by the bookshelf, gawking at a book. Bella's eyes widened as she turned the book over in her hands, studying the back cover.

"Did you find a book that interested you, Bella?" Nina asked. Edward noticed that he could no longer read Nina's mind now that she was off the phone.

"What the heck is this?" Bella retorted, pointing to the light-yellow cover with dark-green print. "_Life Without Ed?"_

Edward looked thrown.

Nina inquisitively rose from her desk chair, and gestured for Bella to join her again in the seating area. "Yes, _Life Without Ed._ Have you ever heard of the book?"

_I'm __**living**__ the book,_ she thought, sitting down in the easy chair. "No. What's it about?"

"It's a book by Jenni Schaefer and her therapist Thom Rutledge. Jenni suffered from an eating disorder for eight years, and it tells a story of how she got better. She had to separate herself from that really critical voice in her head, which told her things like _You're fat, You're disgusting; You don't deserve to live._ She gave that voice a name, _Ed_, short for Eating Disorder, and she compared Ed to an abusive, controlling boyfriend who tried to ruin her life."

"I don't like this book at all," Edward muttered.

Observing Bella's intrigued expression, Nina continued, "Jenni's recovery from an eating disorder involved her separating herself from Ed, disagreeing with Ed, and finally, when she grew stronger, _disobeying_ Ed. It's a very clever book."

Bella blinked a few times, absorbing Nina's explanation. Her "Ed" had hardly been abusive. Perhaps he had been slightly controlling at times, though she knew that had been his way of trying to protect her. She definitely reveled in the idea of disobeying "Ed". Bella would disobey his orders to keep herself out of trouble, especially if doing so meant hearing his honey voice, if only for a few fleeting moments.

Jacob couldn't fix those bikes fast enough, in her opinion. She was craving Edward's voice. She was craving _him._

Edward was scowling, still stuck on the book. "It hardly seems fair to label an eating disorder as _Ed._ I think I might have to write a letter to this Jenni Schaefer woman."

"Oh, relax – nobody calls you Ed anyway," Jasper teased. "Besides, to the rest of the vampire world, it probably looks like _we_ are the ones with eating disorders."

"_Life Without Human Blood_?" Edward bantered back.

Nina eyed Bella's thin frame. "How's your appetite been this week?"

"It's been a little easier to eat lunch, I guess."

"You haven't been eating lunch?"

"I try, but . . ."

Nina looked concerned. "How about breakfast and dinner?"

"Charlie kind of makes me eat then."

"What has made it easier to eat lunch this week?"

"Well, I started sitting with my friends again. I guess lunch isn't quite as depressing now, listening to them gossip and make fun of each other."

Nina smiled encouragingly. "That's great! What made you join your friends again?"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Angela basically dragged me over there."

"Angela . . . she was the one who told Charlie about you approaching the men at the bar, right?" Bella felt impressed by Nina's memory. "So, did you forgive her for that?"

"Not completely, but it does mean a lot to me that Angela kept coming over to my table at lunch, apologizing for calling Charlie. She felt awful when she found out that Charlie forced me to attend counseling."

Nina shook her head sympathetically, "The horror."

That unexpected comment made Bella smile. "Angela kept pestering me, until I finally told her I would forgive her, just to shut her up."

"I know you're angry with her, but Bella, that is something a true friend would do – risk your anger to make sure you're safe. Angela seems very trustworthy."

To the side of the house, Edward nodded. He had repeatedly heard Angela's thoughts, and he knew the good in her. He felt relieved that Bella was talking to her again. Jacob Black, on the other hand . . .

Jasper had been quiet for a while. "Both of their moods seem less miserable now, compared to when they started the session."

Edward shrugged. "I guess this counseling thing must work – unless _you_ are secretly manipulating their emotions."

"I'm not; I promise. Do you want me to?"

"No," Edward replied quickly. "I want to get to the bottom of this."

"Bella," Nina aimed a stern look in her direction, "I'm concerned about you skipping meals. If you want to improve your mood, you need to eat consistently."

"Why?"

"Our nutrition impacts our brain's ability to cope with strong emotions. If you restrict your food intake, you also wind up restricting your emotions."

Feeling nothing at all sounded pretty good to Bella.

"And, people who aren't getting adequate nutrition tend to feel more depressed and irritable."

That didn't sound so good.

"How were your eating habits last year? Did you eat lunch at school your junior year?"

"Yes," Bella reluctantly admitted.

Nina tilted her head to one side. "What changed?"

Bella looked panicked, and she wished to wrap her arms around the gaping hole in her chest, but knew the psychologist was watching her. Her hands twisted in her lap and she averted her gaze, feeling her throat tighten involuntarily.

_Said I'm terrified but I'm not leaving  
Know that I must pass this test_

Fielding Nina's questions was like playing a game of Russian roulette. With question after question, inevitably Nina would fire the chamber containing the bullet: the "Ed" question.

_Just pull the trigger._

Edward listened to Bella's heart hammering with distress, and he knew that own heart would have also been beating a remorseful cadence, if it were still alive; if his soul were still intact. The cafeteria lunches they had shared their junior year had been glorious times – opportunities to learn new things about each other, to invite her into his family; to become a "couple". They would never share those experiences again.

"Bella?" Nina prompted. "How was lunch different last year?"

"_He_ was there," she whispered.

"Ah," Nina nodded, "the ex." Sympathetically she watched the young woman struggle with the agony of the break-up. "Will you keep eating lunch with your friends for now?"

"If they're alright with having a zombie at their table, then I guess I will."

Nina looked at Bella fondly. "You seem to be feel a little better already. Not a zombie in sight today."

Bella sighed. "If you say so." She still _felt_ like the living dead.

Jasper turned to Edward. "Can you hear Nina now?"

"No."

"What's making her thoughts fade in and out like that?" Jasper asked.

Edward's eyebrows knitted together. "I have no idea. I've never encountered this before."

Feeling Edward's palpable melancholy, Jasper scoffed, "There's a lot you've never encountered before, in this messed up situation." _Like moving on after losing the girl of your dreams,_ he added silently.

Unfortunately for Edward, Jasper's thoughts were not silent. He bowed his head, hoping that somehow, someway, the pain he and Bella were experiencing would dissipate. _Life Without Bella _was not a book he wanted to experience.

Author's Note:

I don't know if anyone has read _Life Without Ed_, but it is a wonderful book for recovering from an eating disorder. Jenni Schaefer claims that life without Ed is a good thing, but I doubt Bella would agree. :`(

Thank you to my good friend radiofreeamy for pimping this fic. She has an awesome story here called "Visitation," exploring what would happen if Edward had to kill those men in Port Angeles in order to save Bella, and was sentenced to prison. Check it out if you haven't read it already!

Part 2 of the therapy session will be in the next chapter. Do you have any requests for Bella's counseling sessions?


	7. Lost and Found

Happy Holidays!

We will continue the second therapy session in this chapter. I had planned to address some other content, but once I started writing, the following chapter is what emerged. I've written other therapy stories before, typically taking one chapter to write one therapy session, but I suppose I've become more verbose in my old age and now one therapy session seems to be spanning three chapters. ;-)

All the usual copyright disclaimers apply. Stephenie Meyer certainly wrote a compelling series for all of us to play with!

7. Lost and Found

"Is Charlie still really worried about you, Bella?"

She pondered the psychologist's question. "Actually, he hasn't been hovering quite as much lately."

Nina smiled encouragingly. "That must be nice. What do you think is making him more chilled out?"

Bella shrugged defensively. "Why don't you ask _him?"_

Appearing perplexed, Nina sat back in her chair. "Would you like me to talk to Charlie? Are you giving me permission to speak to him?"

"No," she quickly replied. Charlie was already worried enough about her as it was, without adding psychological consultations about his daughter into the mix.

"You have no idea why he is less anxious about you?"

"Maybe I've been having fewer nightmares, I don't know."

"Ah," Nina nodded. "You're not waking up screaming as much?"

Outside the house, Edward winced, thinking about those screams. Jasper felt a sliver of satisfaction that his nighttime mood alterations were having a positive effect.

"What are your nightmares about?" Nina asked.

Bella folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips, saying nothing.

Nina observed her closed-off body language. "You look kind of angry."

Biting her lip, Bella realized how childish she was being. "I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize for your feelings, Bella. It's okay to feel angry. Am I prying too much?"

A long exhale escaped her lips, and Edward could almost smell her intoxicating scent through the drywall of the house. "I'm sure you're just doing your job," Bella replied. "I just . . . I just don't understand how I'm supposed to share everything about my life, when you and Charlie don't share _anything_ about yours_."_

Bracing herself, Nina asked, "What would you like to know?"

Ticking off the questions one by one on each finger, Bella systematically inquired, "You're a Quileute? How come I've never heard of you? Why doesn't Jacob talk about you or your family? Why don't you know about Newton's Sporting Goods? Everybody who lives in Forks knows about that store. You said that you met Charlie two years ago? Why hasn't he ever told me about you? How do you know him?"

Edward smiled faintly, listening to the barrage of questions. It had been Bella's razor-sharp intuition that had led her to figure out his family's secret, and the heat of her inquisition was now singeing the psychologist. "Nina's overcome by all of those questions," he quietly told Jasper, listening to her increased heart rate.

"She's nervous," Jasper agreed.

Nina reaction to Bella's probing questions was similar to Edward's back when Bella had called attention to the discrepancy in his eye color in the hallway of Forks High. Unlike Edward, however, Nina had nowhere to run.

With wide eyes, Nina squirmed in her chair. "That's a lot of questions," she anxiously pointed out, stalling for a moment. _Only self-disclose if it's in the best interest of the client, not to satisfy my own needs,_ she silently instructed herself. That guideline was to prevent psychologists from blathering on and on about themselves, but what if she did not wish to speak about herself at all? How could she garner her client's trust without revealing too much?

"I only moved back to Forks two years ago," Nina tentatively explained, "to take care of my mother. We don't live on the res." She chewed on her lower lip. "But counseling is about _you,_ Bella, not me. I don't want to bore you with details about myself. I want to focus on you."

Clearly dissatisfied with that response, Bella's slender arms remained in their defensive crossed position, eyeing the psychologist guardedly.

"What are your nightmares about?" Nina tried again.

Bella let her hair fall softly over one half of her face, attempting to hide behind the gentle veil. She did not wish to defy authority, but neither did she want to discuss her horrid dreams. The time when he had left her in the woods was dreadful enough to experience when she was asleep, and she hardly wished to recreate that tragedy in her waking hours.

"I want to focus on you," Nina repeated, frowning; it was clear that Bella was not giving in. Seeming to make a decision, Nina's body took on an air of tension. "But I guess you _do_ deserve an explanation for how I know your father."

Bella leaned forward slightly.

"Nina is freaking out," Jasper whispered.

Edward was bowled over by distressing images playing out in Nina's mind. _The fierce, power-hungry face of a stranger glared down at her, _as seen looking up through Nina's terrified eyes._ The man had her wrists pinned down to each side of her head on the hood of the car, and her pinned hands painfully pulled at and trapped her tousled black hair. _

_The gloom of night silhouetted the man's wicked face. He had not looked so malevolent only an hour before, when he had been chatting her up at the bar. Why oh why had he changed so abruptly? Why hadn't she been a better judge of character? He sneered, "C'mon, sugar, c'mon Pocahontas," his vodka-laced breath petrifying her almost as much as his strangling hold on her wrists. "Open up for me," he demanded, freeing one wrist and snaking his hand down to try to lift up her long skirt . . ._

"I was in some trouble," Nina forced out, attempting to disguise the tremor in her voice.

With concern, Bella watched a blotchy pink bloom on the woman's brown cheeks as her chest began heaving with faster breaths, her averted face showing a profile of exquisite suffering.

Edward's crimson lips set into a sneer, visioning the scene in Nina's mind. He realized that Nina's blurred vision was not due only to the weakness of her human sight, but also to the lingering effects of alcohol in her system, making the scene fuzzier and thereby more frightening. Her heart was now galloping in her chest as she re-experienced that night.

_With a sense of self-preservation her free hand darted up to shove against the attacker's chest, grunting as she tried to push him off of her. The man responded by whaling a harsh slap across her face, slamming her head back onto the metal hood._

Startled by the intensity of the sparks of pain alighting across her jaw in her remembered trauma, Edward involuntarily echoed her moan of pain.

"What is it?" Jasper asked, alarmed.

"A man tried to rape her," Edward responded in a low, disgusted voice. This panic she felt –

this must have been what Bella had experienced in Port Angeles.

_Her face stinging from the blow, Nina gasped for air, sensing a rush of cool night air on her thighs. She numbly realized that the man had bunched up her skirt and was now attempting to pull down her panties. "Stop!" she cried. _

_His laugh was derisive. "What're you going to do? Scalp me?"_

"_Please, no," she whimpered. A pervading sense of hopelessness engulfed her when her limbs seemed to freeze, immobilized by fear. _This was happening_. The man was going to hurt her. All because she had simply wanted to have a drink or two or five at the local bar, attempting to forget about ornery diabetic mothers and broken ex-husbands and beautiful fifteen year-old boys and gleaming handguns and manic-depression . . . _

Bella's brown eyes scrutinized the anguished psychologist. "Dr. Carlton?"

Nina gasped, blinking quickly. She forced herself to breathe as she glanced guiltily at her client. "I'm sorry." _Breathe. Breathe in, breathe out._ She was quiet for several moments. "Your dad, he, he helped me that night. He saved me from a man who was trying to hurt me."

A jolt ripped through Edward when, through Nina's perspective, _the pressure of the man's body compressing her chest suddenly lifted, as a heavenly force wrenched the attacker up and away from her quivering body. "Get the hell off her!" a deep voice shouted_, _and though Nina could only see the night sky from her prone position on the hood of the car,_ Edward immediately recognized Charlie's voice from the memory.

_She heard grunts and the sound of a body being slammed onto the packed muddy ground behind the bar, followed by a clanking noise of metal jangling together._

"_Get me an ambulance down here!" Charlie barked into his radio._

_Suddenly Charlie's worried face was hovering over her, frantically searching for injury._ Edward lingered on Nina's memory of Charlie poised over her, with his furrowed brow and incisive brown eyes. _Bella's eyes_, both Nina and Edward thought.

"_We got him," Charlie assured her, glancing down at his feet and making a motion that must have been a kick, judging by the groan Nina heard from the ground below. "Don't move, pervert," he growled, glaring at the back of the man's head and then visually checking the tightness of the handcuffs restraining the man's wrists behind him. _

_Charlie's eyes roamed back up to Nina's humiliated face, and not taking his eyes off of hers he smoothed down her crumpled skirt to cover her shapely legs. Watching her shiver, he shrugged out of his fur-lined uniform jacket and draped it over her. "You'll be alright, ma'am. Help is on the way."_

_His reassuring words floated down over her, swathing her in a gossamer shell of tranquility. It was then that Nina realized she was sobbing, and her small whimpering noises embarrassed her immensely. Instinctively Charlie reached for one of her hands, slowly unfurling her clenched fist to envelop her cold fingers in the soothing embrace of his big, warm hand. _

"_You'll be just fine," he insisted, dismayed by the waves of trembling coursing through her body. He kept one boot firmly planted on the perpetrator's prone back, making sure he wasn't going anywhere before reinforcements arrived. Glancing back at the assault victim, he tried to think of a way to distract her. Mesmerized for a moment by her stunning black eyes, glistening in the moonlight, he questioned "You're not from around here, are you?"_

_Her voice was raspy when she finally found it. "I was born in La Push."_

"_Oh."_

"_But I've been living in San Diego until a few weeks ago."_

_Charlie narrowed his eyes playfully. "You're one of those, huh? Sticking your nose up at Forks' weather?"_

_Miraculously Nina found herself smiling slightly. "You have to admit it, Officer. Forks weather sucks."_

"_It's Chief Swan. Uh, Charlie Swan."_

_She swallowed. "Nina Carlton." She was pleased that her voice sounded faintly clearer and more confident._

"_Yeah," he sighed. "Forks weather does suck, I guess. At least that's what my teenage daughter keeps telling me."_

_Wistfully, she cried "You have a daughter?"_

_He frowned. "She lives with her mother in Phoenix."_

Edward was amazed by the clarity of the remembered conversation, as if Charlie's words had been replayed over and over in Nina's mind. Her fondness toward the Chief was evident in the memory.

"A man tried to hurt you?" Bella asked, her eyes full of sympathy.

"He tried to rape me," Nina confirmed. Observing Bella's shock, she rushed in, "But it didn't happen. Charlie stopped him. He arrested him."

As Bella exhaled with relief, all she could think about was Port Angeles. She had been rescued, too. Recalling the relief she had felt upon the speedy arrival of his Volvo to the threatening gathering of strangers behind that warehouse, her face crumpled. She had not stopped searching for that Volvo every day she arrived at school, and every day she had felt fresh disappointment from its absence. With her arms still crossed in front of her, her hands fluttered to her sides and pressed in, attempting to contain the yawning hole in her chest.

Registering her client's distress, Nina felt a stab of guilt. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm being a horrible psychologist today; I'm a mess. I probably should have cancelled our session since I'm going through some difficult times in my, uh, personal life. Let's reschedule and I won't bill you for this session."

"My nightmares are about the time he left me," Bella blurted out, making Nina stop in her tracks. Bella could not believe she had just volunteered such information, about _him_ nonetheless.

Edward crouched, utterly still in his stance, focusing more on Bella's revelation than on the fact that he could no longer hear Nina's thoughts. Jasper had no trouble discerning Bella's emotions now, as agony emanated from the counseling room. Bella's misery was almost as pronounced as the dread pouring off of his brother, perched next to him.

"Go on," Nina gently encouraged.

She took a halting breath and licked her lips. "It was in the forest. He took me there, and he was acting all weird, and I . . . I just knew." Bella felt tears pressing at the back of her eyes. "I always knew."

"You knew what?"

Her voice broke. "I knew that he never loved me."

Listening from outside, Edward's face fell.

Bella continued, "I knew that I was not good enough for him." _My perfect vampire._

Edward dipped his head, harshly whispering, "How could she believe me? How could she fail to see through my lies?"

Jasper didn't know what to say.

Nina asked, "What made you feel inferior to him?"

Bella made a little scoffing noise, as if the answer were obvious. "Look at me," she pleaded, sweeping her hand down her body. "There's no way somebody like me belonged with someone as gorgeous as him."

Nina's forehead creased. "Are you seeing yourself accurately? I think you're quite pretty, Bella."

Edward shook his head. She wasn't pretty; she was _stunning._

Shaking off the compliment, refusing to allow it in, Bella continued, "He was so strong. He saved my life, twice."

"I endangered her life far more extensively than I saved it," Edward scowled.

Tilting her head, Nina repeated, "He saved your life? How?"

Bella quickly realized her error. How in the world would she begin to explain the way he had heard the thoughts of those men in Port Angeles? How he had forcefully halted a van from sliding into her on the icy surface of the high school parking lot, preventing Tyler's vehicle from crushing her in half? "It doesn't matter," she evasively replied. "He just did it because he felt sorry for me. He just did it to take care of the _pathetic_ human, biding his time until he could finally leave me."

Nina looked puzzled by Bella's odd use of the word "human" to describe herself. "Did he say why he broke up with you?"

_Bella, I don't want you._

"He said," her throat tightened, "He said he didn't want me."

Jasper shot him an accusing glance and Edward hissed, "I didn't say that! I said I didn't want her to come _with_ me."

"Oh, that's so much better, then," Jasper snidely retorted. With a start he realized how angry he had become, and he pictured a cool green color in his head, attempting to quiet his own emotions. The two human females inside were drowning in infectious torment, and Jasper hadn't realized the toll the ambient anguish had taken upon him. "I'm sorry, Edward."

"Please don't apologize," he said in a clipped tone. "You are absolutely correct to judge me."

Nina nodded her head in understanding. "That must have been excruciating to hear him say that he didn't want you."

Bella slowly lifted her eyes and sorrowfully nodded.

"What happened after he left?"

Sniffing, Bella took a shaky breath. So far she had been able to keep the tears at bay. "I'm not sure – it's kind of hazy in my memory. I think for some stupid reason I kept looking for him. I walked deeper and deeper in the forest, searching for him. But he was gone."

_It will be as if I never existed._

Edward sliced one hand through unruly bronze hair. He had not known what had happened to Bella after he had left. He hadn't looked back.

"You went into the forest?" Nina prodded.

She gave a slight nod.

"How long did you stay there?"

Confusion ghosted Bella's pallid features, and she shook her head. "I'm not sure? It was still dark out when they found me?"

"What do you mean 'they found you'? You were missing?"

"Charlie sent out a search party. It was raining . . . I think I fell asleep under a tree? I don't remember . . . I kept looking, searching, for him – I-I-I couldn't believe he was really gone . . ."

Jasper reached out his hand to grasp Edward's granite forearm as Edward's eyelids fluttered shut, his face a mask of regret and self-hatred.

Nina commented, "Charlie must have been so worried about you."

Bella guiltily nodded. "I told him I got lost, but I . . . I wasn't really lost, I guess."

A look of understanding crossed Nina's face. "You can't really be lost if you don't want to be found."

She gulped, nodding, her eyes curving down at the corners.

Nina's voice grew even softer. "It's okay to cry, Bella."

A sob caught in her throat. "I don't want to."

"He obviously meant a lot to you. I can tell you're really hurting about losing him."

She sniffed.

"Crying might keep the zombies away," Nina gently suggested, her intense black eyes shining. "A cry a day helps keep the zombies away?"

The light attempt at humor paradoxically unleashed a torrent of sobs from Bella. She choked out, "I don't want to be a zombie either," embarrassed to feel tears sliding down her pale face and splashing down onto her lap.

Nina fought off the urge to rush over and wrap up the sobbing girl in a suffocating hug. Teenagers tended to evoke that kind of maternal response from her. Instead, the psychologist rose and brought a box of tissues over to her client, tenderly handing them to Bella while observing, "You've been holding in a lot of pain these past few months."

She let Bella cry it out for a few minutes, quietly witnessing her sorrow. After a while Nina offered, "That's why you scream in your nightmares."

Bella's head snapped up, revealing a questioning look in her glassy brown eyes.

"You search for him in the forest, but you don't find him. Your desperate hunt to find him only leaves you more bereft; more lost. That's when you wake up screaming."

Struggling for breath, Bella asked, "How did you know that?"

The vulnerable look in Nina's obsidian eyes sheared into Bella with a palpable force. _Maybe I've had nightmares too,_ Nina silently answered. "It was a good guess," she said out loud, covering her lie with a wan smile.

Eager to emerge for a second from the whirlpool of guilt sucking him down, Edward remarked, "She's thinking about her son Adam again. She's dreamed about trying to find him."

Redirecting the conversation, Nina asked, "How do you feel right now, Bella?"

"Tired," she instantly replied.

Nodding, Nina resumed, "And how do you feel when you think about him?"

A look of fear paralyzed Bella's face. She did not want to experience that pain ever again!

"What happens to you physically when you think about him?" Nina prompted, knowing that if Bella wanted to heal, then she needed to start confronting the pain instead of avoiding it. "Do you feel an ache in your heart? Pressure on your chest? A knot in your stomach?"

The searing flames of separation flickered up into Bella, licking her chest and abdomen with their cruel fire. She fought for air, impulsively snaking her arms in front of her torso. "It hurts" was all she could get out.

Nina waited patiently, and Bella struggled to find words. "It's a thing crawling inside of me . . . an astonishing pain; a wave of torture . . . agony ripping through . . . it's a wide hole in my chest, with raw, ragged edges."

Nina's lips parted, rendered speechless by the staggering depths of the teenager's description.

Leaning forward, appearing to wince from the pain, Bella proposed, "You asked me about my 'treatment goals'? Well, that's what I want. I don't want to have that feeling anymore."

"The wave of torture? The gaping hole?"

Bella earnestly nodded.

Aiming a sympathetic half-smile at her client, Nina softly explained, "I'm not sure how controllable that goal is either, Bella. We can't necessarily control our feelings – we can only control how we deal with them. Could that be a goal for you? To learn how to cope with the agony of loss better?"

"But I _can't_ cope with it," Bella protested tearfully, unconsciously wrapping her arms around herself, squeezing her torso together.

"Is that why you hold yourself like that? To try to stop the feeling?"

Bella self-consciously uncrossed her arms, murmuring, "Sorry."

"Quit apologizing, Bella. I think that's rather ingenious, actually. You hold yourself together so the hole doesn't spread any wider. You squeeze your body tightly so nothing falls out of the deep hole."

Tilting her head to one side, Bella studied Nina suspiciously. Was the psychologist making fun of her? "You make it sound like my guts are going to fall out or something."

"Yikes," Nina grinned. "We couldn't have that now, could we? That would make quite a mess in my office."

Despite herself, Bella felt a grin slide up one corner of her mouth.

"Please keep holding yourself tight, so that your guts don't spill out onto the carpet," Nina added with a wink. "The housekeeper won't be here for another few days."

Bella took a tissue and dabbed underneath one eye, marveling at her smiles mixing together with her tears. For months, she had been lost. Irrevocably lost. But with Dr. Nina Carlton, she had finally found something; something deep, something important. She had finally found a little understanding.

Author's Note:

What do you think made Bella choose to disclose the content of her nightmares to Nina?


	8. Totems

Happy New Year!!! Here's to a great 2010 . . .

8. Totems

"I never thought I'd be spilling my guts in therapy," Bella muttered, folding a tissue in her lap.

Nina was impressed by her client's clever comment, which illuminated the double meaning behind Bella's description of the yawning hole in her abdomen. Nina could relate to both meanings. Oftentimes the psychologist felt a hollow in her own womb after the death of her son. And, she never thought _she'd_ be spilling her guts in therapy either.

"You seem strong enough to survive the spill," Nina mused.

"Why does everybody think I'm so strong?" Bella hollered in frustration, balling up the tissue in her fist. "I'm not! I'm weak!"

Listening from outside the house, Edward exasperatedly shook his head. "She willingly sacrificed her life for Renee, facing the most frightening of our kind, and she still thinks she's _weak_. Unbelievable."

"People are usually terrified of us once they find out what we really are," Jasper agreed. "Not Bella – she never showed an ounce of fear."

"So you think you're weak," Nina empathically responded. "When do you feel the weakest?"

Bella paused. "Well, sometimes I used to feel weak around . . . _him._"

Nina looked at her kindly. "We still haven't graduated to the use of a first name, hmm?"

Shrugging, Bella said, "Sorry."

"That's okay. _Him_. You felt weak around him sometimes. What made you feel weak?"

"I'm not sure . . . I guess one thing was his unparalleled beauty. I never understood what he saw in plain old me."

Displaying obvious discomfort, Edward shifted an inch away from Jasper.

Nina frowned, bothered by Bella's emphasis on external appearance. Perhaps she might have to lend her client the eating disorder book _Life Without Ed_ after all.

"What about internally? Maybe he was drawn to your intelligence? Your caring nature?" Getting nothing from Bella, Nina prompted, "Wasn't there _anything_ special about you that could have attracted him?"

Bella bit her lip. She was treading on dangerous ground here; ground that the Volturi protected with cold, calculating precision. "He, um . . ." she breathed out, "he said that my scent – that I smelled good."

Edward closed his eyes and inhaled a whiff of heroin, the flames of desire licking down his throat.

Nina squinted inquisitively. She knew that pheromones were a potent force in human attraction, but rarely were people aware of their effect on a conscious level. Perhaps this boyfriend was quite intuitive? "Okay, so he liked your perfume?"

Bella scrunched up her nose. "I don't wear perfume."

Feeling like she was somehow missing something, Nina gave up that line of questioning. "What else made you special in his eyes?"

She hemmed and hawed for a few moments, eventually deciding on "You know how some people just seem to be able to read minds? Well, he was really good at that."

Nina's speculation that the boy had intuitive gifts sounded even more plausible.

"He was good at reading people – except for me. It really vexed him that he never knew what I was thinking." Bella looked down and muttered, "There's probably something wrong with me. Like I said, I'm weak."

"Perhaps he _liked_ that he could not read you well? Perhaps that intrigued him?"

Edward nodded his head vigorously.

"Oh," Bella replied. "I don't think so."

Scratching her neck, Nina stated, "I guess we'll never know exactly what he cherished about you, since he's not here to tell us."

Perched outside the counseling office, Edward exchanged a guilty look with Jasper.

Nina resumed, "I, however, know that you possess a multitude of strengths that would make boys clamor to date you."

Bella silently disagreed.

"What about you, though?" Nina pressed on. "You already mentioned he was very handsome, but what was he like on the inside? What drew you to him?"

A wistful look crossed Bella's pale face. "It was his soul . . . his beautiful, sensitive, tortured soul." _Even though he didn't believe he had one._ "He had no idea how special he was. But I did. I knew."

Lowering his face down into his hands, Edward's fingertips gripped his stone skull with a crushing intensity. Bella's kind, undeserved words stabbed at his chest. How could he have ever let this exquisite girl go? How could he sit by and watch her writhe in pain – the pain he had caused – and not do a damn thing about it? _Hold on,_ he told himself. _At least she's still alive. She'll eventually forget you ever existed. Nina will help her. Nina _has _to help her._

"He was a musician," Bella added, gazing out the office window at the towering pine trees, reminding her of the lush forest visible through the spanning glass windows of his home. Her voice was unsteady. "He composed the loveliest song for me once . . . he called it my lullaby. I still hear it in my head sometimes."

Edward's fingers, woven through his messy bronze hair, became frozen and taut. She had not forgotten. He had tried to erase himself from her memory, but he had failed.

Bella was not finished extolling Edward's virtues. "He could speak several foreign languages – I'm not even sure how many. He was so smart, though he never flaunted his intelligence or made people feel stupid." She sighed sorrowfully. "He lost both of his parents." Her voice broke. "That would have destroyed me, but he was resilient enough to keep going. Nobody understood what it was like to be him, to be so lonely. He didn't hold it against anybody, though. He only got mad at himself."

Nina was surprised by the sudden loquaciousness of her client.

"But most of all," Bella resumed, appeared increasingly agitated yet unable to stop herself from talking about him, "he took really good care of me. He would do anything for me, even if it ended up hurting him or putting him at risk. I've never met anyone who sacrificed himself for others like he did."

"Other than yourself, you mean?" Nina gently prompted.

"What?" Bella looked startled.

Nina was beginning to get why Bella and her boyfriend had been so attracted to each other, bonded by their deep sense of altruism. She was also starting to comprehend why there had been a limited shelf-life for such an entangled, codependent relationship like theirs. Their enmeshment had become too intense; too suffocating. But it would likely be some time before Bella could understand the dynamic forces pushing them together; the same forces that inevitably seemed to pull them apart.

Nina sighed. "Relationships are hard – believe me, I know. But one would hope that a romantic relationship could bring out the best in each of you. Ideally, a good relationship should make you both _stronger,_ not weaker."

Respectively, Edward and Bella considered her words. While Bella's intoxicating scent had initially weakened Edward's resolve to sustain a vegetarian diet, there was no doubt that he had felt incredibly strong around her. Instead of his unending status as the odd man out in his family – the single in a nauseating couples' world – he had felt complete with her by his side. He had suddenly experienced a purpose in his life: to love her and protect her. His unrelenting existence had suddenly made sense. Now, nothing made sense.

Bella's forehead creased. "You don't understand. I might have felt weak at times when we were together, but it's _nothing_ compared to how I feel now."

Nina wanted to understand. "You feel fragile and unprotected now; you feel all alone."

Bella nodded, strangling a sob.

"You are not alone, Bella."

The psychologist's words disquieted Edward, wondering if Nina was somehow aware of his presence. His ocher eyes darted right and left, but besides Jasper, there was only the howling February wind as his company.

Nina gently said, "I know you feel alone, but you have your friends, your father, your mother . . . and you have animal guides all around you, protecting you."

Bella's glassy chestnut-brown eyes glanced up curiously.

"Do you remember when I said we would talk about totems?" Nina reached for her desk, rustling around some papers until she found the handout she had been seeking. She handed the photocopied page over to Bella.

"In my tribe, we believe that each individual has a guardian spirit joining us on our journey through life, giving us power and wisdom. The guardian spirit is a totem – an animal – teaching us important lessons."

Gesturing to the paper, Nina prompted "Let's look at this list of possible totems. Have you ever felt drawn to one animal, without knowing why? Have you had an animal consistently materialize in your life with no explanation – say in a dream, or in gifts given to you?"

Bella appeared perplexed, picturing the black forest of her nightmares, but for some reason not feeling the same sense of panic upon visualizing the scene. She recalled a snuffling noise rustling through the leaves near her head as she hugged her knees to her chest on the damp undergrowth. There had been an awareness of something sizeable near her; a hulking form pressing its snout through the thick branches canopying her desperate woodsy hideout . . . and then suddenly she had rested in Sam Uley's arms, feeling weightless and boneless cocooned in his strapping hold, being carried to Charlie, to safety . . .

"For some reason I want to say a wolf?" Bella offered, looking even more confused once the words left her mouth.

"A wolf?" Nina smiled encouragingly. She herself had conjured up the same image after knowing Bella for less than three hours. Though Nina had felt devastated on this day, the anniversary of her son's birthday, she was pleased that she was still present enough to be in synch with her client. The spirit was with her, and she gave silent thanks for its guidance.

"Let's see," Nina continued, pointing at the paper, "It says here that wolves represent loyalty, perseverance, intuition, and spirit." Nina looked up. "Does that sound like you?"

Bella quickly shook her head.

Tilting her head to one side, Nina prodded, "Does it sound like anyone you know?"

Blinking her eyes several times, Bella slowly began nodding. "Loyalty? Spirit? Yes." She squirmed a bit in her chair. "It sounds like Jacob Black."

"Here comes Nina's guilt again," Jasper observed.

"I wonder what sort of history she has with the Black family," Edward replied. "I keep hearing the name _Billy_ in her head."

"I don't know Jacob very well these days," Nina commented, remembering a cherubic-faced little boy with silky black hair scampering along the rocks of the beach. The image filling her mind made Edward pause, surprised by the guileless expression on the young boy's face, standing in sharp contrast to the wary sullenness Jacob had exhibited at the prom. Nina asked, "What is Jacob like now?"

"He's big," Bella retorted, finding herself grinning recalling his sunny smile. "And goofy."

"That's one of the first times I've seen you smile," Nina marveled, and the comment made Bella's smile vanish as if suddenly remembering that she was not supposed to experience one moment of happiness following his departure from her life. She looked down, chewing on her lip.

"You know, it's okay to smile once in a while," Nina suggested. "I know you're working very hard at this depression thing, but now that you have your totem guiding you, you might feel some sunshine break through the clouds once in a while. Now that you have the wolf with you, you can feel safer."

Bella considered her words, absentmindedly reading over the list of totems. She found her eyes drawn to the description of a bat, remembering his scoffing laugh when she had naively asked him if he would turn into such a creature at night. Her eyes roamed over the depiction of a bat: _rebirth, good listener, secrecy,_ and _never-ending life._ All of those things had been true about her immortal golden-eyed vampire. _Initiation_ was also listed as a quality characterizing bats. She had wanted him to initiate her into a new life; into his life. However, instead of initiation, there was now only end.

Edward was struck by the peacefulness of the counseling session. Though occasional musings from Jasper filtered into his consciousness, he could not hear Bella or Nina as they silently read over the list of animals. He realized how much he appreciated the serenity of the silence; a quiet that had only previously been achieved when he had been alone with Bella. Nina had been right – his inability to read Bella's mind had been wonderful for the most part. In their fleeting flash of a relationship, he wished he had spent more time appreciating Bella and less time ruing his deafness to her thoughts.

He was piled under an Olympic Mountain of regret.

Nina glanced at the ticking clock. "I see we're about out of time, Bella."

Edward heard Nina uneasily run through a mental checklist, seeming apprehensive that she had missed something in her befuddled state. She seemed quite worried about Bella's well-being until they met again.

Nina shot a glance at her client as Bella stuffed the paper about totems into her backpack. "So, do you have any plans I should know about for this weekend? Like wanting to approach strange men at a bar?"

She was relieved that she could give an honest answer. "No, not really."

"That's good to hear, but if you're feeling any destructive urges you know that you're welcome to discuss them in here, right?"

Bella shrugged.

While the psychologist and her client scheduled their next session, Edward appeared deep in thought. "Hmm."

"What?" Jasper turned to him, curious.

"I think I've pinned down more precisely when I cannot hear Nina's thoughts." He was quiet for a moment. "It appears that when she's focused on Bella, I cannot read her mind. But when she thinks about herself, that's when I hear her thoughts."

"Interesting," Jasper mused. "It's like Bella's block is infecting Nina or something, like Bella's block is masking Nina's thoughts too. But wait a minute . . . you can hear _other_ people's thoughts when they are with Bella."

"That's true." Edward looked frustrated. "Nina is worried about Bella trying to put herself in danger again, and I think she's right to worry. But how can I protect her from harm if I can't hear either of their thoughts?"

"Has Alice seen anything?"

Edward sighed. "I don't want to involve her, Jazz. You know what would happen if Alice came to Forks. Bella would be alerted to our presence in seconds." Edward could not help but listen to the subsequent thought that Jasper could not help but think, and overhearing it made him hold up one hand. "I know you believe that it would be a _good_ thing if Bella knew I was here. You all want me to get back with Bella."

"I'm sorry Edward."

"I know. I know you all think I'm ridiculous, but I cannot have Bella killed by one of our kind. I just cannot. I would never forgive myself. I want her to be just as safe as if she had never met me." _As if I'd never existed._

Jasper put a hand on his shoulder in support.

He glanced down at his clenched fists. "This psychologist is good at reading people; she's quite intuitive. I think she would know if Bella was in real danger. I just wish I could get inside her head more consistently – then I would feel better."

Instinctively they both molded themselves to the back wall of the house as they heard Bella depart through the front door. Her scent became even more powerful now that she was turning the corner of the house, striding morosely toward her beat-up truck.

Inside the house, Nina began trembling while reaching for the phone. Her silent pleas filled Edward's mind. _Please, please, please be in a good mood. Please don't be mad at me today, John. Please take my call. Help me, oh spirit of the quail._

"Apparently Nina has her own totem," Edward whispered. "I wonder what a quail represents."

Suddenly Jasper could feel Edward's granite shoulder lock up under his touch. "I've got it," Edward hissed. "I know how I can read Nina's thoughts better."

Jasper gave him a questioning look while Bella's truck engine roared to life.

Smiling broadly, Edward announced, "You're looking at Dr. Carlton's newest client."

Jasper jutted his head forward. "You're going into _therapy?"_

"Yes indeed. I'm sure I can drum up some fake psychiatric diagnosis."

Still shocked, Jasper began laughing. "There's no need. You can just be yourself."

Edward playfully narrowed his eyes, shrugging off Jasper's hand from his shoulder. They both furtively watched Bella's truck pull out of the parking lot.

Edward turned to his brother. "Bella looked really upset when she came out of there, so I want to follow her and make sure she gets home in one piece. Would you please stay and listen to Nina's phone call to her ex-husband? Maybe you'll learn something useful for when I go in there myself."

"No problem."

"Thank you. See you soon."

Once Edward had swiftly departed for the woods, Jasper inched closer to the house. Fortunately, Nina had put the call on speaker so that she could nervously pace the floor as she spoke.

"Lieutenant Commander Carlton," an authoritative male voice answered.

"It's me," she replied in a small voice.

There was silence on the other line, followed by "Am I on speaker phone?"

"Yes."

"Your crazy mother isn't listening in, is she?"

A faint grin appeared on Nina's face. "No, it's just me. How are you, John?"

"Listen, Nina, I have a meeting with my superior in a few minutes. I can't talk long. What do you want?"

His clipped tone made her halt her pacing, and she wrung her hands together while staring at the phone. "I thought we promised that one of us would always call on this day."

"Wha – ? Oh, Christ." He groaned despondently. "I forgot."

"You forgot? How could you ever forget February fourteenth?"

"I'm sorry!" he snapped. "We're shipping out soon, and things have been hectic. It's been hard to keep up with all the tightened security regulations, and I've been running around like crazy, trying to get my men prepared . . ."

"Are you taking your medication, John?"

An edge of anger crept into his voice. "What does _that_ mean?"

"Oh, nothing," she replied with a forced lightness. "It's just that . . . it's just that you have to take the Abilify every day for it to work, you know."

Now there was undisguised hostility in John's voice, making Jasper's eyes widen. "Yes, Doctor," he seethed.

"I-I-I'm not trying to tell you what to do," she nervously backpedaled. "I worry about you, but I know that _you're_ responsible for managing your health."

"Yes, we both know that, don't we?" John railed sarcastically. "We both know that our son inherited Bipolar Disorder from _me_, and not from you."

"No, no, no," she tried to protest, having trouble breathing. "I didn't mean – "

"We both know that you blame me for Adam's suicide!"

"I don't, John, I don't," she moaned, tears breaking through her strangled cry.

"Are you trying to pretend you didn't say that, Nina? That you didn't tell me it was _my_ fault our son killed himself?"

Nina was sobbing now, and her words were difficult to understand. "I was cra-a-a-zy from grief that day," she cried. _Time of death was approximately sixteen-hundred hours._ "Please believe me – I didn't mean it. Please! I was . . ." her voice hitched with desperation, "I'm more to blame than you. I s-s-should have seen it . . . I should have stopped him."

"Don't flatter yourself!" John fumed. "His note said _I can't take it anymore. There's something terribly wrong with me._ It's obvious that it was the manic-depression speaking."

"N-o-o-o-o!" she cried.

Jasper crouched motionless to the side of the house, sickened by the waves of abject grief and guilt rolling off of her, hitting his senses with the pungency of fresh paint. It was more like fresh pain.

John cleared his throat. "Stop crying, Nina." He sounded as distressed as she looked. "Maybe we shouldn't talk anymore. We're no good for each other."

"We can't stop calling each other! We need to honor our son's memory!"

"How? By making each other miserable? By blaming each other for his death? You psychologists have to process every damn little thing, but what's the point, Nina? He's gone and he's never coming back. All that's left is two people who can't stand to be around each other." His voice cracked. "Adam deserves better."

"John . . ."

"I gotta go." He took a deep breath, and shifted back into military mode, effectively closing himself off. "You take care of yourself, Nina."

"John!"

There was a click on the other line, and Nina collapsed into her desk chair, weeping.

Jasper pressed his lips together, wrestling with indecision. Nina's anguished sobs pressed him into action, feeling a cool purplish blue well up inside of him, seeking to burst through the walls into the house like water rushing from a broken dam. But would Edward be upset if he tried to calm her down?

Jasper knew that it would be inhumane _not_ to help the keening woman. Even though _he_ wasn't human.

Guiding the cool soothing energy in the psychologist's direction, Jasper finally let out a breath when he heard her crying begin to subside. She melted into the desk chair, wholly exhausted from the day.

With a washed-out look in her dull black eyes, Nina blinked rapidly while casting a glance around her office. She felt dumbfounded by the abrupt change in her mood, from suffering to sanguine. Perhaps she was developing Bipolar Disorder herself, at the uncharacteristic age of forty. Maybe John wasn't the only one to blame for the mental health problems of their son.

She reached out to grasp a quail figurine, scooping it off her desk and cradling it in her hand, holding the plump bird near her heart. After learning about totems, Adam had given her the bird figurine for Mother's Day when he had been twelve. Stroking the wooden model, Nina absentmindedly recalled the description of the quail totem: _creator of harmony and protector of children._

Judging by her last phone call, she had utterly failed on both counts. Clutching the bird to her chest, she braced herself for the rest of the day, simply wanting it to end.

Author's Note:

If you are interested, I encourage you to do a search for "Native American Totems and Their Meanings".

Given my love for playing in the water, I instantly knew that my totem was the dolphin. Luckily, the description fit me well. I'd love to swim with the dolphins one day. What is your animal protector?

I believe that we will venture to La Push for the next chapter, but after that I surely plan to have a good time bringing Edward into therapy! I hope you'll enjoy that plot development. Many thanks for reading! Jen xx


	9. Hogs and Wolves and Bears, Oh My!

Thank you to reviewer Nix for her thoughts about the characters' anger.

Time for Jacob to enter the story!

9. Hogs and Wolves and Bears, Oh My!

As her solid red truck chugged along to La Push, Bella's thoughts were wrapped up in her last counseling session. She had futilely attempted to describe Edward to Nina, though mere words were incapable of describing his radiance.

_I've never met anyone who sacrificed himself for others like he did._

Nina had countered, _Other than yourself, you mean?_

What in the heck had the psychologist insinuated by that? Bella had uncomfortably pondered her comment for two days, still not grasping its significance. _Was_ she self-sacrificial? Sure, she had tried to take care of her erratic, kooky mother, but that was merely being pragmatic with such a free spirit as Renee, right? And yes, she did cook for Charlie, but lots of bachelors needed help in the kitchen. Wasn't she just being a good daughter? Her parents had done a lot for her, and she was simply returning the favor.

There was _no way_ that she was as sacrificial as him. He had halted his life to protect her; he had risked his family's existence to allow her to be part of his world. He had stoically resisted a vicious thirst for her. He had pretended to love her, staying with her longer than she ever deserved, and the brilliant glow of his devotion had irrevocably changed her life.

As her snow tires rotated over wet country roads, spinning splashes of rainwater off the rubber, she began to feel a hint of anger stirring in her gut. The clenching of her stomach was a new sensation when thinking about him. Instead of the familiar gaping, wounded hole in her chest, there was a flicker of fire in her belly.

Why had he pretended to love her?

How could he have left her like that, never to return?

_He had halted his life for her_ . . .

Her knuckles clutched the steering wheel. Was she now doing the same? In mourning his loss, was she bringing her own life to a standstill? Had she turned into an emo drama queen, unable to go on after a boy had left her? Was she swooning over a lost love, like Marianne Dashwood pining for the scamp John Willoughby in Jane Austen's _Sense and Sensibility?_

Was she sacrificing her life for a cold vampire who couldn't care less about her?

Bella blinked a few times, chewing on her lower lip. A whisper of her own strength, the very strength that Nina had insisted she possessed, bloomed inside of her for a second. Then it was gone, replaced by the recognizable ache in her chest.

Thinking about shiny, dangerous motorcycles, she knew that she needed to hear his velvety voice. She needed _him._

~~ * ~~

Edward kept pace with the distinctive 1950's truck, running parallel to the road but hidden by the cover of the forest. Behind him he heard Jasper's sprightly footfalls, inaudible to human ears.

His throat burned with thirst, and he wished that he would encounter one of these massive bears causing town members to be all atwitter. The only scent lingering in the forest, however, was an unpleasant odor of wet dog.

_Edward,_ Jasper suddenly warned.

"I know."

They traveled another eighth of a mile before Edward abruptly stopped his run, growling in frustration with his hands on his hips. Jasper made it look easy to shift from fifty miles an hour down to zero, never coming close to careening into his brother's planted body but instead bounding gracefully to rest next to him.

"Damn treaty line," Jasper offered, observing Edward's thwarted expression.

"I don't like this one bit. I can't see what she's up to."

"Is that the _only_ reason you don't like her going to La Push?"

Edward knew exactly what Jasper was implying. _Jacob is merely a child,_ Edward assured himself. Out loud he said, "I'm glad that Bella has a friend. She needs one."

He turned away from the treaty line, heading east in an easy canter.

Jasper pulled up next to him. "You're not going to wait for her to return?"

"I don't want any trouble with the Quileutes, loitering near their territory."

"Right. We're not even supposed to be here."

Edward glanced over his shoulder. "It's tempting, though. Bella seemed positively giddy getting into her truck – I wish I knew what she was thinking."

They walked quietly for a moment before Jasper asked, "When is your therapy session?"

"Nina squeezed me in on Wednesday, while Bella will be at school." A crooked smile lightened Edward's dour expression. "I'll gather more insight into Bella then."

~~ * ~~

Bella warily greeted the man in the wheelchair. "Hi, Billy."

Perceptive black eyes lifted from the book in his lap, boring into her with a hint of satisfaction. "Well, what a nice surprise – two weeks in a row! It's good to see you, Bella."

She nervously shuffled her feet. At least one person was happy the Cullens had absconded from Forks.

Jacob seemed to sense her discomfort. "C'mon, Bella," he proposed, placing his large hand on her shoulder. "Let me show you what I've done to my car since last week."

His hand was so warm and big that it felt like a furry paw on her shoulder, and with relief she nodded up at him, "Okay."

As they strolled out of the small red house, Jacob's sizeable frame filled the doorway, blocking the outside light. Was it possible he had grown even taller in one week?

Over uneven ground, they walked toward the shed together. With a sense of flair, Jacob hoisted off the tarp hiding the contraband motorcycles.

Bella's eyes bulged. "Wow, Jake! You've made a lot of progress."

He beamed. "Yeah, this hog's got a lot of potential — much better than Embry's dirt-bike."

"What's a _hog_?"

He grinned. "That's what they call a Harley Davidson. You sure it's okay if I take this one when we're done?"

"Of course. You're doing all the work."

"But you're paying for the parts."

He had already set in to working on the red bike, the one earmarked for Bella, and she opened the passenger side door of the Volkswagen Rabbit to have a place to sit while watching him work. "I'm preventing you from working on your car," she ruefully observed, glancing at the rusted open hood.

He shrugged, holding a handlebar. "It's okay. These bikes are more fun anyway." He knelt down behind one bike so she couldn't see his face when he added, "And having you here makes the time fly by."

Bella blushed. She hoped she wasn't giving him the wrong idea. Redirecting him to the task at hand, she asked, "So what does that thing do?"

He popped his head up, holding aloft the handlebar. "This?"

"Yeah."

Squinting at her incredulously, he chided, "This is a han-dle-bar, Bella." He pronounced each syllable slowly, as if explaining a concept to a child. "I think your ignorance just knocked another few years off your age. You _sure_ you're ready to ride one of these when I'm done?"

Her face flushed. "I'm sure."

He chuckled, glancing down at the metal piece in his hands. "Have you ever seen those really high motorcycle handlebars? You know, where the handgrips are up here?" He raised his curled hands above his shoulders, mimicking mounting a bike with high grips.

"I think so?"

"They're called 'ape hangars'," he explained, breaking into a bright grin. "'Cause the rider looks like an ape hanging from a branch."

Miraculously she found herself laughing along with him. Though the sky was filled with thick, obstinate clouds, she felt a glimmer of sunshine inside the shed.

"So," Jacob knelt again, "how's Charlie?"

"Fine. He won't be coming out today; don't worry."

"Is he working on Saturday again?"

"No. He's fishing."

Jacob's head popped up again. "With Harry Clearwater?"

Bella nodded.

His mouth tightened, and his gaze shifted toward the house. "My dad used to go fishing with them. A long time ago. Before . . ." He ducked his head after letting that comment hang in the air between them.

Her mahogany eyes filled with sadness. Jacob rarely mentioned his father's disability, but she was certain that his spinal injury had made things difficult for the Black family.

Jacob worked in silence for several minutes before rising and wiping his hands on a rag. "Is Charlie still worried about you?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Who told you that?"

His surreptitious glance back at his house answered for him: Billy. _Traitor._

Playing with the ends of her hair, she mused, "I think Charlie is starting to back off."

"Oh yeah? Why? Wait – let me guess. He feels better now that you're hanging out with _me._ He knows I'll take good care of you."

She watched his chest puff out as he boasted, making her thoughtfully purse her lips. He _was_ getting the wrong idea. "If I tell you something, do you promise not to tell it to anyone else?"

Jacob loped forward a step, looking incredibly excited by the opportunity for increased intimacy. "Sure!"

"I mean it, Jake. You can't tell Quil, or Embry, or Billy either, since he'll blab the details to Charlie."

"C'mon, Bella; I can keep a secret. Nobody found out about the bikes yet, right?"

She tilted her head to one side, weighing his promise, and decided to admit the shameful truth. "Charlie is making me see a psychologist."

Jacob took a step back, seeming surprised for a moment. Then, he started sniggering. "Counseling? He made you go to counseling?"

She looked cross. "Yes, and you can stop laughing now."

"That's pretty bad," he agreed, and then appeared curious. "What's it like?"

"It's embarrassing and invasive, and it's not going to help anything." With a huff, she crossed her arms.

"Do you lie down on a sofa and talk about your dreams?"

She smiled faintly. "It's not like that." She unfolded her arms and let her fidgeting hands rest in her lap. "At least my psychologist is kind of nice, I guess."

"Who is he?"

"She. Dr. Nina Carlton."

Jacob nodded blankly but then a flash of recognition passed through his black eyes. "Nina Whitefish?"

Bella paused. "Yes. Yes, that's right. She's Quileute."

His youthful face darkened instantly. "She is _not_ one of us."

Appearing startled by his vehement response, Bella bewilderedly inquired, "She's not Quileute?"

"Her family doesn't live on the res," he spat out. With his russet skin flushed with anger, his square jaw and the sharp planes of his cheekbones lent him a menacing glare, turning her sweet friend into a threatening presence.

"What's wrong, Jake? Why are you so mad?"

His chest heaved and he blew hot air out his nostrils, averting his gaze.

"Jake?"

He looked straight at her, and beneath his anger she detected a wounded helplessness.

"Jake?" she repeated softly.

Swallowing hard, he forced out "Her father . . ."

"Nina's father?"

Jacob nodded. "Her father . . . well, he's the reason my dad can't go fishing with your dad."

Her forehead creased. Scooting over to the driver's seat, she leaned forward to peer out of the vehicle while thumping the passenger seat with her hand. "Come in and sit down. Talk to me."

He grunted, standing still a moment, before accepting her invitation. She was amazed that his elongated body fit into the small space. Even with the passenger seat slid all the way back, his knees still ended up resting centimeters from the dashboard.

"Jonathan Whitefish was from the Makah tribe," he quietly began, staring straight ahead. Bella could see the muscles lining his jaw rippling and flexing. "He came to Forks a long time ago, when my dad was only a little older than my sisters are now."

The incensed look on his face led Bella to ask, "I take it that Jonathan wasn't a welcome guest?"

Jacob exhaled loudly. "You could say that. They didn't want him in Neah Bay anymore, so we got dumped with him."

"Why was he so bad?"

"At first he was really cool. At least that's what my dad told me. He was a party animal, and he was a favorite drinking buddy of all the guys. And I guess the chicks all thought he was hot." Jacob smirked. "Lucky jerk."

Bella pressed her lips together to avoid cracking into a grin. "So then what happened?"

He sighed. "One chick in particular caught his attention, and Harry Clearwater wasn't too happy about it. You see, Jonathan started hanging out with Harry's sister, Hehewuti."

"Oh. Was Harry all protective of his sister?"

"Not enough, apparently. Hehewuti got pregnant."

Bella blanched. "They weren't married?"

"Not even close. But that wouldn't have been a big deal, had he just stepped up and married her; if he would just have been a man about it. But _this_ guy . . . he just ups and leaves! One day the Clearwaters realized that Jonathan had gone back to Neah Bay without telling anybody, leaving a pregnant girl behind, all alone."

"How awful."

"Yeah. I guess my dad and Harry went up there to basically drag Jonathan back down to La Push; to force him to man up to his responsibilities."

"Did it work?" Bella asked.

"Well, he did end up marrying Harry's sister, but it took a lot of convincing." He gave a lopsided smile. "Too bad Charlie didn't live here then – they could have used his shotgun."

Bella nodded, gradually understanding his joke. "Shotgun wedding . . . right. Was Jonathan a good husband and father after all of that?"

"Hardly. My dad said that he began drinking all the time. He couldn't find a job, so he would start drinking booze from the moment he woke up to when he finally passed out. Harry hated him."

Jacob swallowed and his mouth tightened.

"It was some time later, maybe twenty years or so, when the Clearwaters – Harry's parents, I mean, were having everybody over for the Tewa Turtle Dance – sort of like your New Year's. They had to invite Jonathan but Hehewuti was in the hospital for her diabetes. They invited my family too, but my mom was home with my sisters and me, so only my dad went. Jonathan picked him up on his motorcycle to take him over to the Clearwaters."

"Your dad didn't hate him too?"

Jacob shrugged. "Things had gotten a little better between them once Jonathan got a job. He was trying to cut down his drinking. But then it all came crashing down."

Bella had a sense of dread listening to the story, and Jacob curled his hands into fists as he continued.

"Everybody was drinking, but nobody could tell that Jonathan was drunk, until he and Harry got in a fight. Harry was still teed off about him getting his sister pregnant before marrying her, and for some reason my dad took Jonathan's side this time. When Mr. Clearwater kicked out Jonathan, my dad went with him." Jacob paused. "The roads were really icy that night."

Bella drew a slender hand up to cover her mouth, guessing, "They had an accident."

Jacob nodded, his voice taking on a numb quality. "Jonathan crashed the motorcycle on the one-ten. They were both thrown from the bike. My dad broke his back."

"Oh," she cried. "I'm so sorry, Jake. That's horrible for your family." She waited a few seconds, gazing into his anguished eyes. "Did Jonathan die?"

His mouth pressed into a firm line. "Instantly, on impact."

Overwhelmed by the story, she sighed heavily. "No wonder you harbor negative feelings for the Whitefish family."

"That wasn't all they did. When they had a burial ceremony for Jonathan, Harry's sister laid into him, accusing her brother of causing her husband's death."

"But how could she blame Harry? He's not the one who was drunk driving."

"Tell that to Hehewuti. She's a real spitfire, from what I hear."

Bella thought back to Nina's brief phone conversation with her mother. It seemed like the Quileute tribe had sustained more than their fair share of pain.

She aimed a guilty glance over at the rebuilt motorcycles. Charlie's description of the bikes made even more sense to her now. _Reckless and stupid._

"Maybe we shouldn't move forward with the bikes," she cautioned. "If I'd had any idea what had happened to Billy, I would never have asked you to rebuild them for me."

His response surprised her. "Nonsense, Bells. As long as we're not chugging a fifth of whiskey before we ride, then we should be fine." He eyed her mischievously. "Assuming you can find the handlebar first."

Grateful for his joke coming on the heels of that tragic story, she lightly punched him on the arm.

"Ow."

It was _her _murmuring in pain, rather than him. She shook out her hand to try to dispel the stinging needles caused by her knuckles hitting his wall of flesh.

He gave her a spirited grin.

Her loyal Jacob. He would never _pretend_ to love her. He would never abandon her when she needed him most.

They spent another hour of Jacob working on the bikes and Bella watching him.

Bella glanced at her watch. "I'd better get home to start on Charlie's dinner. He's probably starving by now."

"Sure you can't stay? You could have dinner here."

"Sorry. Maybe another time?"

His mouth turned down into a pout. "Well, be careful going home. Don't let any huge bears get to you."

"Do you think they're really out there?"

"Nah. But if they were, _I'd_ protect you."

She smiled softly, amused by the sixteen year-old's brave offer. If the massive animals did exist, he certainly seemed as big as one of them.

Jacob's tongue lolled out one side of his mouth as he tightened a bolt on the exhaust pipe.

"We've got rolling chassis," he explained as he rose to his impressive full height, grasping the handlebars of one bike and wheeling it forward and backward. "Next time you come out, we'll give these a spin."

Bella flashed him a look suspended halfway between thrilled and terrified.

~~ * ~~

Charlie tucked in to his lasagna and garlic bread while Bella was still finishing her green salad. She pushed around a few soggy leaves of romaine with her fork, wishing she had poured less salad dressing. However, she had been distracted during her dinner preparations, preoccupied by Jacob's pronouncement that the bikes were almost finished.

It was after several minutes of solitude – the only sounds consisting of Charlie's chomping on the crisp bread – that he asked her, "What did you and Jacob do today?"

She hoped that the strands of hair draping her face would hide the flaming color of her cheeks. Shrugging nonchalantly, she told a half-truth. "Oh, you know . . . I watched him restore some vehicles in the garage."

He gave her a shrewd look. "You _like_ doing stuff like that?"

"It's not bad." Observing his calculated stare, she continued, "Jake's really good at it. Just uh, like when he fixed up my Chevy." She batted her eyelashes. "I . . . I never thought I would like my truck so much."

This elated Charlie, and he let a proud smile crack through for a moment before resuming his stern demeanor. "Well, you needed a way to get around town. To go to school, and work, and," he cleared his throat, "to go to counseling appointments."

Bella frowned, using that moment to slide her salad bowl to the side and drag her plate of lasagna in front of her. She seemed suddenly fascinated by the noodles and meat sauce.

Gathering that his daughter wouldn't open up so easily, Charlie took a few bites himself before asking, "How _is_ the counseling going?"

"Fine."

"Do you think Nina's helping you?"

"Dad, it's only been _two_ appointments."

"Oh." He took a bite of bread while Bella forced down some lasagna. "So will there be a third then?"

Bella pressed her teeth down on her lower lip. "I guess." Feeling dryness in her throat, she took a sip of water.

More quiet chewing.

"Dad?"

He looked up from his near-empty plate, and she noticed that his curly brown hair was matted down around the crown of his head, the remnants of hat-head from the trademark baseball cap he had worn fishing. He always donned his Seattle Mariners cap when he and Harry fished, claiming that the familiarity made the fish feel more comfortable.

Hesitating for a moment, Bella finally said, "Thank you."

Charlie's forehead scrunched with puzzlement. "For what?" When his daughter was not more forthcoming, he added, "You're the one who cooked . . . I should be thanking you. What are you thanking me for?"

"For helping Nina."

He froze for a moment, and then slowly placed his fork on the plate. "She told you what happened?"

Bella nodded nervously. "She said that a man attacked her, and tried to . . . um . . . but you saved her. You stopped him."

He averted his eyes, seeming pained by the memories of that night two years ago. Nina's cry, piercing the still night air, resonated in his mind. What if he hadn't been there that night? Would Nina have survived the assault? Perhaps she might have recovered physically, but would she ever have found the will to smile again after such an attack? Would her beautiful black eyes ever have shined again?

Bella's voice was soft. "Was it bad?"

Eventually returning his wandering gaze back to his daughter, Charlie merely nodded.

Noting the awkwardness of the moment, Bella rose from her chair and took both plates over to the sink, scraping off the leftovers and starting to wash them.

Seeming to recover, Charlie spoke to her back, advising in a gruff voice, "Make sure you carry your Mace with you all the time, Bells. There are lots of creeps out there."

A faint smile crossed her lips as she rinsed suds off the plate. Drying her hands on a dishtowel, she wheeled around to face her father. "I guess this is one time that I'm glad you're Police Chief. You did a good job."

Charlie's eyes widened, looking like he had no idea how to handle that compliment. An uneasy stillness hovered between them.

She wrung the towel in her hands, anxiously tugging and folding it. "I know you made me go to counseling, and . . . and I'm still mad at you about that."

Charlie suppressed a smile observing the stormy pout pulling down the corners of her mouth.

"But," she cautiously resumed, "I like Nina. Thank you for helping her. I like her."

With that confession, Bella placed the folded dishtowel onto the counter and then strolled out of the kitchen, retreating to her bedroom for the night.

Once he heard her ascend the stairs, Charlie slumped back in his chair, picturing the striking psychologist in his mind. He murmured, "I like her too."

I hope you have enjoyed the revelation of Nina's back-story.

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts about Edward's upcoming counseling sessions. I haven't decided if he will present himself as Edward Cullen (since he knows that Bella has not shared his name with Nina) or take on a pseudonym. I have an idea for his faked diagnosis but I'm wondering if you have any suggestions. My friend Lorne recommended that he suffer from sex addiction, ha ha!


	10. Unipolar

Chapter Notes

Thank you to my lovely reviewers for suggesting mental disorders for Clientward. Miaokuancha had an interesting idea, and Nix and Joanie came up with some hilarious diagnoses!

I ended up using Sondra's suggestion for Edward's feigned mental disorder—thank you, Sondra.

Major gratitude goes out to Leiah (Scarlett_Letters, author of _Wild Swan_, an awesome fic), who has been pimping _Mimiteh_ like a madwoman. First she recommended this story for the Little Known Ficster:

thelittleknownficster(dot)blogspot(dot)?zx=a4885d30a3683587

I have enjoyed receiving many well-written, thought-provoking, and wonderful reviews of individual chapters of my stories over the years, but never before have I read a comprehensive review of my story as a whole, until Leiah wrote that masterpiece! It made me feel all warm and gooey inside.

And then, Leiah nominated _Mimiteh_ for the **Indie Twific Awards** in the categories of _Best New Moon Story _and_ Best Use of a Parent._ I happen to think that radiofreeamy's Charlie is the best portrayal of a parent that I've seen, but her story _Visitation_ has too many reviews to be considered for the Indie awards. Please check out the stories and vote for your favorite! The first round of voting is 2/20/10 — 3/2/10.

www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com/default(dot)aspx

10. Unipolar

With a studied gaze, Jasper brushed the back of hand across Edward's lapel to spiffy him up for the appointment. The southerner's large amber eyes glowed with mischief. "Okay, darlin'; are you ready for this?"

Edward smacked his hand away, muttering, "Enough."

"This is a big day for you!" Jasper grinned. "You've got a key performance coming up. Did you rehearse your lines?"

"I'll be fine. I probably know psychiatric diagnosis better than Nina does."

"I hope you're right. But I _still_ think you should go with Bulimia."

A growl erupted at the back of Edward's throat.

Jasper deadpanned, "Aw c'mon. We _do_ throw up everything we eat. You'd be a natural."

Edward slowly shook his head. "You are deeply disturbed." A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.

Jasper turned more serious. "So you said you're skilled in psychiatric diagnosis." He tilted his head innocently. "What's it called when a patient has an abnormally low sex drive?"

"Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder," Edward answered automatically.

A wicked smile lit up Jasper's face. "There you go."

"What?"

"There's your diagnosis. You wouldn't have to act at all."

Edward's golden eyes tapered into slits. "Good_bye_, Jasper!"

Jasper erupted into a fit of laughter as he bounded off into the forest, away from _Forks in the Road Counseling. _

Edward watched him leave with mixed feelings. While he did _not_ want Jasper listening to this counseling session — it would be nerve-wracking enough to play the role of a therapy patient without his nosey brother listening to every word — he also felt immediately lonely upon his departure.

Stroking his chin, Edward wondered what had happened to him. He formerly thought nothing of being alone, spending hours and hours of solitude while immortals around him paired up for eternity. His family members absolutely pining for each other when they were apart was anathema to the fiercely independent 104 year-old.

Even when he had been human, he had often been alone. Back in Chicago, his father had been a stern workaholic who had advised his wife not to coddle their only son, lest she weaken him. Edward Masen Sr. had always believed that the proper way to raise a man was to teach him how to survive an unforgiving world by stoically suppressing any sign of weakness. As a result, Elizabeth Masen had resisted her natural impulses to cuddle and comfort her only child.

However, at times his mother's softness had inevitably leaked through — cradling Edward after a skinned knee, clandestinely hiding her boy's misbehavior from his father, planting a kiss on his forehead when tucking him in at night — and those were the times Edward remembered most fondly.

As he walked around the side of the white clapboard house, he felt a pang of sadness creep into him, remembering his parents. Their faces were only blurry vapors in his memory now, and his lost history left him feeling desolate and abandoned.

Wondering why he was so contemplative about his childhood, he gazed around him at the empty waiting room that he had just entered. It must have been the impending psychotherapy that had led him to reflect on his mother and father. He angrily shook his head, scooping up a clipboard containing the first session paperwork. This was about Bella, not him. He could not lose focus.

In his perfect scrawl, he wrote his pseudonym on the consent form:

_Anthony Masen_

He would be attempting to outwit a psychologist in order to get the information he desperately needed to keep Bella safe, and he expected to feel a sense of thrill in preparation for the subterfuge. However, writing down those two names — the names that had marked him as a human — the names that he had lost upon becoming a vampire — instead only left him feeling bereft.

Bella had wanted to become a monster just like him, leaving her identity and family behind as he had done. She could never understand the magnitude of losing one's parents, _forever._ While he knew that he had irretrievably hurt Bella, at least he had saved her from that horror.

~~ * ~~

It had taken merely a minute or two for Edward to complete the paperwork, and when he was finished he realized that he had not heard Nina's thoughts once since arriving to the waiting room. Given that Bella obviously wasn't in Nina's office, the mindreading block was quite puzzling. He wondered what the psychologist was doing back there in her office.

A few moments later, Nina's warm, feminine voice floated into his head.

_I can't believe he got so tall_ she was saying to herself, and her accompanying mental image of a lofty Quileute pumping gas into a can at a Forks convenience store made it obvious that she was referring to Jacob Black. Seeing Bella's friend through Nina's eyes, Edward was also taken aback by the boy's astonishing growth in the past six months. It seemed unnatural.

There was a trickle of despondency present in Nina's unspoken words.

_I wonder what he needs gas for? A lawn mower? I guess that Billy certainly can't cut the grass._

Edward heard Nina sniff as her thoughts turned to Jacob's relationship with her cousins.

_Does Jacob spend time with Leah? Seth? I wish I could say hi to him or something._

Edward sensed her sadness mixing in with bitterness as she remembered peeking at Jacob from her driver's seat in her car across the street. _No. He wouldn't want anything to do with me._

He heard her rustling inside the office, perhaps taking out her appointment book. _Let's see, back to work . . . got a new one next_ . . . _Anthony Masen — I wonder what he'll be like_ . . . _then Stacie Stanley, Bethany Yorkie — I hope her pregnancy test turned out negative . . ._

With a start, Edward realized that she was thinking about other psychotherapy clients, and he abruptly attempted to shut out her thoughts. However, the names she had mentioned kept reverberating in his mind. Stanley? Yorkie? Were they related to Jessica and Eric? Would they recognize him? He had better make sure that he was out of this house before the Stanley woman arrived for the next appointment.

He felt relieved that no other client shared his mindreading powers since the idea of them overhearing his own impending sessions was unnerving.

Feeling guilty upon learning the confidential identity of Nina's clients, Edward started humming to himself, hoping that he could put an end to the invasion of privacy. To his dismay, he realized that the song he was humming was no other than Bella's lullaby, and he stopped mid-hum.

Who was he kidding, pretending to worry about confidentiality? He had unflinchingly eavesdropped on two of Bella's sessions already, desperate for some scrap of insight for why she had been endangering herself. Snooping on her psychotherapy sessions had been wrong; he had known it. Yet he had done it anyway. His parents had taught him right from wrong yet he had shamelessly chosen the wrong path. His mother would be so ashamed of him.

"Tony?"

Edward looked up in shock to find Nina standing in the doorway. Venom flowed into his mouth upon her surprise entrance and he felt his muscles involuntarily coiling, preparing to spring upon her. He was furious with himself for allowing his daydreams to distract him from the present situation.

Quickly composing himself, he purposely blinked several times and coolly corrected, "It's Anthony."

"Oh," Nina blushed, "I apologize. I thought you might go by Tony." _He's only eighteen, right? _she asked herself. _I can't imagine a boy around Adam's age calling himself such a formal name like Anthony?_

Edward rose to his six-foot height. "That's alright. A lot of people assume I go by Tony since I'm just a teenager. They think Anthony is rather formal."

His answer made her suspiciously peer at him and he nervously realized that he needed to be more careful not to reveal his mindreading powers. (When they worked around her, anyway.)

"My mother wasn't really into nicknames," Edward rushed in to add. "She insisted that everyone call her Elizabeth, not Liz or Lizzie or Beth or Betsy or Bitsy. She was rather fastidious that way. I guess there are so many variations of Elizabeth that you really have to pick one and go with it, and she chose the whole name . . ."

He cringed, listening to his sudden diarrhea of the mouth. She made him incredibly anxious.

Then he wondered if his barrage of words was more intentional — perhaps he had already slipped into his role, faking a diagnosis.

Trying to recover, he flashed a dazzling smile that entranced Nina.

_Damn he's cute. His eyes are amazing. And that bronze hair . . ._

Edward attempted not to smirk upon overhearing her silent assessment of his appearance but he could not help but listen intently to her next thoughts.

_Get your head out of the gutter, Nina Cougar! You're forty years old! Concentrate._

Nina cleared her throat. "Did you have time to finish the paperwork, um, Anthony?"

He smiled sweetly and handed her the clipboard, careful not to brush his hand against hers. Once she took it from him and began reading over his personal information, her thoughts quieted once again.

She glanced up at him and gestured to her office. "Please come in."

He settled into a lumpy chair, working diligently to adopt an adolescent slouch. His throat tickled with the faint lingering scent of Bella. She must have sat on this very chair, and he slumped back further into the cushions, thirsty for any connection to her.

"So, Anthony, you're eighteen, is that right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Nina bristled upon hearing the starched response. "You can call me Nina."

He instinctively sat up a little. Edward thought back to the conversation Jasper had overheard between Nina and her ex-husband, and he wondered if any references to the military, like a snappy "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am", might now bother her.

He nodded somberly. "Okay, Dr. Carlton."

Apparently this boy had difficulty relaxing. "You attend Forks High?"

When Edward paused, Nina hastily amended, "Or maybe you've already graduated from high school? I know young adults your age don't like it when people assume that you're younger than you really are."

_You don't know the half of it,_ Edward thought.

"I'm in college," he lied.

"Oh. Great — I love working with college students. It's such a time of change and growth." Her smile was warm. "Before we get too far, I should go over a few things with you."

Nina went on to explain the parameters of privacy, telling him that if he was in immediate danger of harming himself or somebody else then she might have to break confidentiality in order to keep people safe. Edward was glad that Nina had not known him right after Carlisle had changed him. Back then he had been flooded by homicidal thoughts on a daily basis, which would have certainly necessitated a confidentiality breach had he revealed such thoughts in therapy.

"Any questions?" Nina asked.

"You were very quiet in here while I was in the waiting room. What were you doing?"

She looked startled by his directness. "I, um, have a white noise machine by the door to soundproof this room." Her expression became guarded, and Edward could once again hear her thoughts. _Why is he asking me that? Why would he care if I was reading a client's chart?_

His eyes darted to her desk, where he noticed a manila folder lying among other papers and journals. Was that Bella's chart?

When he returned his gaze to Nina, he found her staring at him distrustfully. There was a stalemate for several moments, and Edward felt a rising panic as the seconds ticked by.

Gratefully she asked another question.

"You're in your first year of Forks Community College, Anthony?"

Her thoughts had gone silent again, driving Edward crazy. He supposed that a therapy office was the best place to be if he did indeed lose his marbles.

"No, I attend the University of Washington."

"U Dub?" Nina looked incredulous. "But that's over six hours away! Why would you come to Forks for counseling?"

_Drat._ Edward had not thought this through. He had better not say that he had relatives in town or she might check out their identity. "My roommate and I went hiking here a few weeks ago, and we passed by this place. I didn't tell him then, but I planned to come back here for therapy."

"Why don't you go to the student counseling center?"

"Privacy. I don't want records of my psychotherapy anywhere _near_ the university where I matriculate."

His vocabulary was impressive, and a bit stilted if she thought about it, but she supposed that his answer made some sort of sense. She scribbled a few notes and then asked, "Where are you from, Anthony?"

"Chicago."

"No kidding! I did my internship there."

Edward's face froze. He had not been to Chicago in about eighty years.

Nina looked intrigued. "What part of town are you from?"

This lying business would go a lot smoother if he could read her mind and thereby anticipate her questions. As it was, he was screwed.

"Uh, Old Town?"

"Hmm, I don't know that area well."

_Thank God._

Nina resumed, "I did my internship at Northwestern."

Edward nodded. "That's an excellent school."

"Now that we know each other a little better, how about you tell me what brought you in to therapy, Anthony."

Finally a question he had prepared for. "Affective disturbance," he answered confidently.

Her brow creased and he quickly realized that his response was not what she had expected. "Mood swings, I mean," he rapidly amended.

"You're having mood swings?"

"Yes." He remembered to blink a few times, and he purposefully shifted in the chair, wafting Bella's delicious scent up to his nostrils.

"What has your mood been like the past month? Let's see . . . it's February twentieth today, so think back to January twentieth and what you were doing then."

_Futilely trying to track Victoria in the Brazilian rain forest._ He wondered where Victoria was now.

"How has your mood been since then? Down and blue?"

Edward nodded. That was not a lie.

Nina continued asking him questions about depression and Edward made sure to answer each symptom affirmatively, which was not difficult to do. He became increasingly appalled by the accumulating list of symptoms that seemed to fit him perfectly.

She inquired, "Do you have a family history of depression?"

Carlisle and Esme rarely seemed depressed, but he realized that Nina was asking him about his biological relatives, not his adoptive family. The ghosts of his parents shimmied into his mind once again, and he found himself overcome by melancholy. _Had_ there been depression in his family? His mother's older brother had certainly seemed morose and irritable during family gatherings. Whenever Edward had been sullen, his mother had teased him that he reminded her of grumpy Uncle Anthony.

"_Are you grumpy?" Elizabeth taunted in a sing-song voice._

"_No!" Seven year-old Edward hollered, screwing up his face in anger._

"_I think you _are_ grumpy, little Anthony. And you're the cutest grump in the world."_

_Despite himself one side of his mouth tugged up in an involuntary smile, cracking through his petulant façade._

"_Ohhhh, don't smile!" she kidded. "Don't you dare smile. Grumpy boys don't smile!"_

_His childish grin widened, and she matched his smile with one of her own, two sets of green eyes glimmering in the candlelight._

"Anthony?"

The sharp tone of her voice made it clear to him that she had needed to repeat his name to get his attention. _Focus!_ he silently chided. But his thoughts again drifted back to 1918. Uncle Anthony had died from influenza as well.

He resolutely cleared his throat. "Sorry."

Nina shot him another mistrustful glance. Then she veered off in a different direction. "You said your mood has been depressed. Have there been times recently when your mood has been the opposite of down and blue, more like euphoric, like you're on top of the world? Like you can do no wrong? Like you're on a high?"

Here came the expected questions about mania, and he was eager to show off all that he knew about Bipolar Disorder. "Yes!" he nodded emphatically, appearing to be surprised that she understood his internal experience so well. "There are times when I feel quite grandiose, with inflated self-esteem." He increased the cadence of his speech to near vampire speed. "Sometimesmythoughtsrace and Ifeelreallyagitated and it'sjustawful . . ." the volume of his voice jacked up ". . . Ieasilylosemytemper and I'mbouncingoffthewalls andIfeeljitteryandconfused and Ican'tsleep and Ican'tstop and I'mreallyworriedaboutmyself."

Her inquisitive black eyes bore into him with a skeptical intensity, and he realized that he had misspoken again. He was supposed to be a college freshman, not a psychiatry resident, describing every symptom of mania as if reading from a textbook! He felt quite rattled.

Suddenly he heard her thoughts. _I never saw Jonathan or Adam acting so over-the-top manic, or change moods so abruptly for that matter. What the hell is this boy up to?_

His cold, dead heart seized up with fear. He was doing a horrible job of portraying mania! Why did he have to choose a disorder she knew so intimately, not only professionally, but also personally? He should have stayed more with what he knew, like unipolar Depression. Or maybe he should have gone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder resulting from a near-death experience (such as almost dying from influenza). Even Bulimia Nervosa or Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder would have been better than this!

Noticing that he had been sitting statue-still for several minutes, he picked up a throw pillow and gently plumped it, careful not to tear it apart given the tension rippling up his arms. Unfortunately that action freed Bella's scent from the pillow's fibers, creating a disconcerting slow burn in his throat.

Still appearing suspicious, Nina ventured "Let me guess, Anthony — you're a psychology major?"

He managed a lopsided smile in spite of his consternation. "You're good, Dr. Carlton. Very intuitive. Psychology is quite intriguing to me, as you can see . . . it's a good thing the community college has Psych as a major or I'd have no idea what to major in."

Her smile vanished and her eyes narrowed. "I thought you said you went to U Dub."

"I . . . I do go to U Dub. I, I was looking to attend the community college if I didn't get in to U Dub, and I got confused for a second there."

The disbelieving look continued to shadow her face. "What was your GPA in high school?"

"4.0" he blurted out. He had never received less than an "A" grade in any high school or college class, no matter where it had been in the country.

"Then why wouldn't you have been admitted to the university?"

"I, I wanted a back-up just in case."

Her eyes flared with disbelief. "You were going to attend Forks Community College?"

"Yes."

"From Chicago? Why would you come all the way out here to attend community college?"

His mind frenetically searched for a plausible answer.

Nina's cheeks flushed beautifully and he could tell that she was trembling as she rose from her chair. "I don't know what this is about, _Anthony_, but I want you to leave."

"What?" Edward looked dumbfounded, staring up at her with unblinking ochre eyes. Realizing that a lady was standing in his presence, he popped up off the chair with blinding speed.

Nina drew a sharp intake of air, and took a step back, bringing the curve of her bottom in touch with the edge of her desk. He watched her anger slip into fear, the mask of her suspicion replaced by an awareness of impending danger. Her heart began thumping furiously. It was the same reaction that his early victims had shown upon realizing that he was about to drain them of their blood. He shuddered with self-revulsion.

"Please, ma'am, I just need some help."

Her breaths were coming in quick rasps and she felt as if she were pinned down the hood of a car once again. "I, I d-d-don't know what kind of sick game you're playing, but you obviously have not spoken one word of truth since you walked into my office." She swallowed, seeming to rein in her trembling, and her voice became stronger. "Did someone put you up to this?

_Jonathan, you would never do something like that, would you? I know you're angry with me, but I thought you might still hold just a little love in your heart for me?_

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Edward insisted.

She pursed her lips, and he heard her try to swallow but her throat was too dry. "And yes, you _do_ need help, but you're not getting it from me. Please leave, Mr. Masen."

"But I haven't paid you for the session."

"I don't care. I want you to leave."

Sensing her fright — fear that _he_ had caused — Edward winced. "I'm sorry, Dr. Carlton. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Leave now or I'm calling the police!" _I know the Chief,_ he heard her think. _He's saved me once before._

Edward felt frantic. He could hardly have Charlie poking into things, possibly discovering that he was back in Forks. Darting his eyes around the office, he scrambled to think of a way to placate the threatened woman, but he knew that it was too late. All was lost. He would not be able to keep Bella safe this way. She was going to keep placing herself in danger, and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.

Sneaking a glance at the chart on her desk, Edward slowly raised his eyes to meet Nina's glare. His voice warbled with earnestness. "I am deeply sorry for the trouble I have caused you."

She gazed into his wounded eyes for several suspended seconds before he turned and swiftly strode out of the office, soundlessly disappearing. Staring after him, Nina concluded that his parting statement was the most honest thing she had heard from him all day.

Edward didn't care if anyone saw him flee to the tree-line with supernatural speed. Once hidden in the cover of the forest, he knelt down, ducking his head and running his hands through his wild hair, interlacing his fingers on the back of his neck as he stared down at the hard ground, crumpled in a ball of wretchedness.

Jasper was by his side in seconds. "What happened? What's wrong?"

"I'm a monster," he whispered.

He was alone and depressed. _Unipolar._

Author's Note

Well _that_ was a spectacularly disastrous therapy session! ;-)

I wanted to alert you that I have started posting a new story called _Swimming Against the Tide_. It is AU Human, featuring Edward and Bella as high school swimmers who get embroiled in a military murder mystery. The story is fairly different from this one, and it is complete so I will be updating regularly.

Don't forget to vote for the Indie Twific Awards! The awards were designed to recognized up-and-coming or under-reviewed stories. If you think Mimiteh is one of those then please vote. And, I wouldn't _hate_ it if you decided to leave a review for this chapter, in order to rectify the situation of under-recognition hee hee.


	11. Red Bike

Thank you to Cecile for an idea I used this chapter. Thank you also to Stephanie Meyer since I am borrowing liberally from chapter 8, "Adrenaline" from _New Moon._ And most of all, thank YOU for reading!

11. Red Bike

"My great-grandpa was sort of the last chief we had, and they still listen to Billy, maybe because of that," Jacob explained. They were south of town, on the border of the Quileute lands and the outskirts of Forks, and Jacob was easily hauling her red bike out of the truck bed.

Bella attempted to follow the conversation despite the flutter of terror in her heart. Jacob had done a miraculous job with the motorcycles — the shiny red bike was beautiful. Beautiful and deadly.

Jacob scowled. "But I'm just like everyone else. Nobody treats _me_ special . . . until now."

Bella squinted at him, recalling the sight of Sam and his "disciples" cliff diving moments ago. "Sam treats you special?"

"Yeah," Jacob nodded, his eyes troubled. "He looks at me like he's waiting for something . . ." He exhaled with frustration. "I don't know; maybe I'm imagining the whole thing." His strapping form reached up and lifted his black bike down to earth as if it was light as a quail feather. His strength was almost as impressive as somebody else she had known. She felt a catch in her throat thinking of him and his requested promise of her.

"So are we going to ride or what?"

She tried to ignore her dread. "Let's do it."

As they wheeled the bikes to the dirt path, Bella began feeling more enthusiastic now that she had been reminded of the reason she was here.

~~ * ~~

"Could you possibly go read somewhere else?"

Jasper lifted his gaze up from his book. He was standing in the near-empty house, a few feet away from the grand piano that consumed Edward's attention. It was convenient that vampires had no need for sitting since the sparse room contained few remaining pieces of furniture.

Leaning in to examine the guts of the piano, which Edward was attempting to repair, Jasper replied, "Sorry, man. Am I blocking your light?"

Edward frowned, manipulating a felt-covered hammer into place. "No. You're just hovering, making me nervous."

Ignoring his request, Jasper leaned in closer. "Looks like you're almost done with the repairs."

Wanting to make a sharp retort, Edward paused when he glanced up, recognizing the look of guilt on his brother's face. When Emmett had thrown Jasper on top of the piano, blocking Jasper's murderous advance toward Bella on the night of her birthday, the piano had been destroyed. The Cullens had since moved all of their other belongings to Alaska, but nobody had wanted the broken grand piano to come with them. The sight of the wounded ebony and ivory just made everyone sad.

"I'm glad I have something to fill the time while Bella is in La Push," Edward said instead.

_She sure seems to be spending a lot of time there._ Jasper's unspoken thought drifted between them.

Edward changed the subject. "What are you reading?"

"_The Art of War_ by Sun Tzu."

"_Again?"_

Jasper gave him a lopsided smile. "It's a classic."

Tightening a steel string, Edward murmured, "There. I'm almost ready to see how this baby plays."

"I know you've been missing the piano."

"Actually, I haven't really wanted to play in a long time." A shadow crossed his face. "I haven't had a reason to play."

"So why give it a try now?"

Edward thought about his question for a moment. "I've been quite unsettled, and playing piano is the only remedy I know for calming me down."

"You _were_ pretty upset after that therapy session."

The muscles lining his jaw tightened. "Don't remind me. That was horrifying."

Jasper offered, "I'm sure Nina's forgotten all about it by now."

This time Edward was the one feeling guilt. Keeping his eyes glued to the bass strings, he murmured, "She actually thought her husband sent me in there, faking Bipolar Disorder as some sort of sick joke." He ground his sharp teeth together in disgust. "Now I've destroyed both the client and the therapist. Fantastic."

Having no idea how to respond to that self-recrimination, Jasper felt relief when his cell phone began vibrating.

"It's Alice," he uncomfortably announced upon seeing the face of his phone.

Big golden eyes lifted up and studied Edward beseechingly.

"Take the call," Edward commanded with a dismissive flick of his hand. "I'll be okay."

Jasper could not help the excitement from creeping into his voice as he greeted his tenacious pixie girl. He was thinking, _God, I miss you_ but what he said aloud was "How are things, Alley?"

As Edward worked the piano's maple soundboard into submission, he overheard Alice launch into a rueful description of Emmett's latest practical joke on her. Their behemoth brother had taken a break from tracking Victoria to visit the family in Alaska. One afternoon Emmett had absconded to the snowy woods apparently with a human female in tow. Emmett was dipping the woman down, ready to bite her neck, when Alice had hastily arrived to the forest in a desperate attempt to stop him (after seeing the shocking scene play out in her psychic mind). However, she had instantly realized that Emmett held a life-like mannequin in his arms, _not_ a human.

Emmett had glanced up at Alice with a triumphant grin, taunting, "_Gotcha, showty_."

Hearing the story made Jasper chuckle but Alice's voice was fierce as she insisted, "I need you back here to help me retaliate!"

As Jasper talked, he unconsciously meandered toward the stairwell, slowly making his way upstairs. Soon he arrived to the bedroom he and Alice had shared. No matter how far away Jasper went in the house, Edward knew he would be able to overhear the entire conversation through Jasper's mind anyway.

Edward hoped they would not be engaging in phone sex.

Thankfully he had finished the piano repairs, and he swiftly slid onto the piano bench to begin pounding out a flawless rendition of a Berlioz symphony, attempting to drown out the pillow talk from above.

Edward felt tension slowly drain from his shoulders with each movement of the symphony, and his fingers glided over they keys with ease, tickling the ivories with a perfect balance of gentle and firm. He was fully absorbed in the music, surrendering himself to the haunting melody, beginning to feel like himself again, when suddenly Jasper was at his side, clutching his cell phone.

"What?" The music abruptly halted.

"Alice had a vision," Jasper somberly informed him.

Edward's eyes widened, listening to Jasper's thoughts and picturing the scene depicted in his mind. "Bella hit her head?" His voice rose with panic. "She's getting stitches in the hospital?"

Jasper quickly nodded.

"When?" Edward cried, snatching the phone from his brother. "When?" he repeated, shouting into the phone.

"I'm not sure, but I think it's later today!" Alice replied. "Where is she right now, Edward? You have to go — "

Edward flung the phone back to Jasper and was racing for the door before Jasper could end the call. He was hot on his brother's heels as they pushed the pace to a sprint, heading for La Push. Trees rushed by in a blinding sea of green.

They blasted through the forest, about to cross over into Quileute territory when the sound of an engine revving stopped them cold. Edward crouched down and prowled toward the clearing in the forest, Jasper following him silently. When they neared the dirt road, Edward first saw Bella's red truck and soon after caught site of her perched on a motorcycle. A red motorcycle.

Jacob protectively lingered next to Bella, appearing ready to catch her in case she fell off the roiling bike.

"That's not a red bike!" Edward quietly seethed. "Alice said she saw Bella riding a red _bicycle!_ Not a _motorcycle!"_

Jasper grimaced. _Sometimes her visions are imperfect._

"Imperfect? How about plain _wrong?_" His fists clenched into balls of granite, his pale skin stretched taut over the bones of his hands. "I've got to stop her!"

While Jacob nervously looked on, Bella loosened her grip on the clutch and the bike inched forward.

"_This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,"_ Edward fumed.

"Oh!" Bella gasped, losing her hold of the clutch upon hearing his velvet voice.

Edward watched with horror as the bike bucked under her, almost tossing her forward before collapsing halfway on top of her. He squinted, wondering how she was supposed to gash her head open on that maneuver when she hadn't even hit her head. With Bella and injuries, he supposed anything was possible.

She looked dazed yet strangely happy, and he silently chided "_I told you so."_

As Jacob jerked the bike off of her and pulled her to her feet, Bella smiled wondrously and Edward realized that she meant to ride again. "No, no, no you silly girl!" Jasper felt Edward tense next to him, ready to pounce forward, and he placed a restraining arm against Edward's chest.

"You sure you want her to know you're here?"

Edward snapped a glare at Jasper, and then suddenly forced himself to relax. "No." He gritted his teeth. "No, I don't."

He grimly turned his attention back to the pair of imprudent motorcycle riders. To Edward's chagrin, Jacob was wearing a dopey smile while thinking _She's like the hottest girl I've ever seen. Don't blow it, Jake. Don't let her get hurt._

Oblivious to the look of adoration the tall boy was aiming down at her, Bella asked Jacob, "I didn't hurt the bike, did I?"

Suppressing a growl, Edward hissed, "She's worried about the _bike?"_

A thrill of adrenaline coursing through her, Bella confidently mounted the bike. "Let's try again."

Jacob looked doubtful. "Are you sure?"

She answered by trying to jump-start the bike herself. After several attempts, each one making Edward wince despite Jacob's hands hovering over the handlebars, the bike finally roared to life beneath her.

"Jacob's not even trying to stop her!" Edward rasped. Bella grinned as she revved the throttle, while Edward glowered murderously.

Recalling Nina asking Bella if she was suicidal, Edward's tone was severe. "_Do you _want _to kill yourself, then? Is that what this is about?"_

Bella maddeningly smiled. It seemed that the more angrily he spoke to her, the more gleeful she became. Edward could not stop silently yelling at her, despite her poor listening skills.

"_Go home to Charlie."_

"Ease off slowly," Jacob instructed.

Bella had a gleam in her eye, realizing that she was answering both of them. "I will."

Suddenly she was flying down the dirt path. Edward launched himself forward, sprinting parallel to her path but remaining blanketed by the forest canopy, never taking his eyes off of her. With each step he felt a strong pull to leap from the cover of the forest and pluck her off that demon bike into safety, but somehow he maintained his course. Alice only saw a slight head wound right? Bella would be okay.

He halted his run upon remembering that Alice also thought Bella had been riding a red bicycle.

Bella twisting the throttle to give it more juice snapped Edward back into action. He sprinted forward, mentally chastising _"No, Bella! Watch what you're doing!"_

Edward glanced ahead and noticed the road curving to the left. To his horror, Bella's bike continued going straight. Then she idiotically hit the foot brake, causing the bike to careen and shimmy beneath her, dragging her in Edward's direction to the forest. She frantically tried to turn the handlebar but the sudden shift of weight killed all equilibrium, forcing the bike down, spinning toward the trees.

The scene of a van skidding toward Bella, sliding on the layer of ice coating the high-school parking lot, flooded Edward's mind. It took immense self-control for him not to rush out and save her.

Bella's head smacked into a boulder and then limply rolled into the moss, her limbs akimbo on the grass and wet sand.

"Bella!" Jacob yelled, jumping on his bike and roaring to the crash scene.

Edward's fists tightened further, and he swayed with suppressed forward momentum, coiled like a spring.

Once Jacob arrived, he crouched nervously over her prone body. "Bella, are you alive?"

"I'm great!" she enthusiastically cried, making Edward's expression turn further to ice.

_I thank you, ancestors,_ Jacob prayed, kneeling down to cradle her head in his enormous hands. _Thank you for keeping her alive. She's everything to me._

With a start, Edward realized that Jacob was in love with Bella.

Jacob was saying something about Bella going to the hospital and suddenly a muted whine erupted from Jasper's throat. Edward glanced at his brother, who had somehow materialized by his side, and his eyes widened recognizing the hunter's crouch Jasper had adopted. Just then the scent of Bella's blood hit his nostrils.

Quick as a vampire, Edward lunged for Jasper, catching him before he crashed through the green wall of the forest. Edward clasped his biceps and used his considerable strength to shove him on his back, pinning him down and staring into feral ochre eyes. "No, Jasper!" he frantically hissed.

Jasper's chest heaved as he strained against his brother's vice-grip, and Edward felt his hold slipping.

"Look at me, Jazz. Remember the piano. Remember your love for Alice. You can do this."

Suddenly Jasper stopped panting and looked up at his brother with wonder, an expression which quickly morphed to remorse. "I did it again. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Edward did not move for several seconds and then slowly peeled himself off of him, continuing to watch Jasper carefully. "Her scent is intoxicating, but we're stronger than that, right?"

_I'm not going to breathe,_ Jasper silently informed him.

"Good. You'll be alright; just don't inhale."

Jasper cracked a smile, thinking about political candidates being interrogated about their past. _I never inhale._

Miraculously Edward found himself grinning too.

Jasper paused a second before announcing _I'm going to put some distance between us. I'll be about a mile east, okay?_

Edward nodded, watching his brother slink away deeper into the forest.

His lingering smile vanished once he turned back to the sight of Bella's blood spilled on the hand she had just lowered from her forehead. He wasn't sure which was worse — the awfulness of her being injured once again while he stood by idly and helplessly, or the searing burning in his throat as venom flooded his mouth. He made an instant decision: his painful craving for her was _nothing_ compared to the horror of her getting hurt. He would endure the flames of desire licking down his throat every minute of every day if it meant keeping his love safe.

Jacob helped Bella unsteadily to her feet, wrapping his muscled arm around her small waist, wondering out loud "Why are you apologizing for bleeding?"

Edward lowered his head in shame.

He was relieved to hear Jacob insist on taking her to the hospital despite her protests. Unfortunately, Carlisle would not be the physician stitching her up.

He watched Jacob peel off his shirt to reveal perfectly defined pectoral muscles. It seemed like the boy was flexing his forearms just for Bella, forcing Edward to roll his eyes. "Give me a break."

The towering Quileute pressed the t-shirt to her head wound, looking down at her with youthful reverence. Taking action, he jumped on his black bike to go retrieve the truck.

Edward gazed at his beautiful girl, who appeared to turn slightly green, swaying a bit while clutching the t-shirt to her forehead. He wondered if she was about to pass out from shock, but then he realized that she was sickened by the smell of her own blood. She hated the smell of blood. So why was she intentionally placing herself in danger, thereby making the spilling of her blood more likely?

_What possessed you to ride a motorcycle, you stupid, reckless girl? You foolish . . . beautiful, lovely, exquisite girl?_ His face crumpled watching her stand there, all alone. _Please stop, Bella. Please stop endangering yourself. _He purposefully unfurled his fists, his open hands now trembling with urgency and regret. _Please forget me. Please move on._

Jacob pulled up the ancient truck and began loading the red bike into the bed, per Bella's request. She stood still, watching him gratefully.

Edward clenched his teeth, and a hollow sensation began spreading throughout his chest, sorrow radiating from his cold, dead heart. "Jacob loves you," he softly choked out. "Go with him, my love. Be with him." He spun around, no longer able to look at her, and his tone was mournful. "Live your human life. He will never hurt you like I have."

Edward's labored strides made him proceed at human pace toward Jasper. When he neared his brother's location, he heard Jasper murmur, "He's here; I gotta go."

Strolling toward the large pine tree, he saw Jasper slide his cell phone into his pocket. Edward gave him a look of resignation. "So you're returning to Alaska."

Jasper appeared surprised but then he nodded. "I wanted to talk it over with you first."

"You shouldn't beat up on yourself for your reaction to her blood. You were much more in control this time."

He angrily shook his head. "If you hadn't been there to restrain me, she'd be dead. I shouldn't stay. Besides . . ."

He listened to Jasper's unspoken thoughts and nodded. "I've kept you away from Alice for far too long."

"I can stay here a bit longer if you need me."

Edward smiled sadly. "Thank you for helping me, but you should go to Alice."

"What are you going to do?"

He sighed miserably. "I don't know. Bella keeps endangering herself, no matter what I do. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to be happy. Is that so hard?"

"Apparently so," Jasper sadly responded. "And I just want you to be happy, but that's never going to happen either, right?"

Edward averted his eyes.

"Come with me, Edward. Return to your family."

Standing stock still, Edward wrestled with his plea.

"Carlisle is worried about you — Esme too," Jasper continued.

Edward paused. "Carlisle is worried?"

Jasper nodded.

He shook his head disgustedly. "I can't. I can't leave, Jasper. _I_ did this to Bella. She's trying to hurt herself, and for some reason I think it has something to do with me. I have to try to fix this. I have to keep her safe."

Eyeing his despondent brother, Jasper softly suggested "Or you have to make things more disastrous by trying to fix them?"

Edward met his gaze, and they shared a smirk. "That too. Apparently I haven't ruined Bella's life quite enough just yet."

He stepped forward, and clasped his brother's shoulder. "You'll figure it out, Edward. Come home soon, okay?"

"I will," he promised, knowing damn well that his home was not in Alaska. His home was with Bella. However, her home appeared to now be with Jacob and that infernal red bike.

Author's Notes:

What do you think Edward should do next?

As I post this chapter on 2-25-10, we are in the thick of voting for the Twilight Indie Awards! Voting occurs between 2-20-10 and 3-2-10.

This fic is up for two categories: _Best New Moon Story_ and _Best Use of a Parent_. Please vote!

www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com/vote(dot)aspx


	12. Dawning

Thank you to Cecile (cilou) for an idea I used this chapter. Gracias to Nix (LetMISAlive) for her uber-long reviews! I love reading all of your reviews and generating ideas for the story from them.

Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

I'm quite stoked that this fic is a finalist for the Indie Twilight Awards in the _Best Use of a Parent _category. Please vote 3/15-3/24! In this story, Charlie stepped up by bringing Bella to counseling, and perhaps another parent will step up in this chapter.

12. Dawning

The only sound in the empty house was the faint howl of the February wind pressing against the wall of windows. Amidst the solitude, Edward sat perched on the piano bench with his back aligned rigidly straight. He gazed down at the reconstructed grand piano, its shiny black surface gleaming before him.

He had fixed the instrument beautifully. Unfortunately, he could not fix Bella so easily.

Or himself, for that matter.

Jasper had gone to Alaska to reunite with Alice and the family, and now the piano was the only friend Edward had left in Forks. He brushed his fingertips over the white keys, the black keys . . . his mind trapped in worries of Bella spending time with Jacob Black, endangering herself further . . . or possibly falling in love.

It wasn't until the third ring that he withdrew his cell phone from his pocket. A look of resignation crossed his face upon identifying the caller.

"Hello, Carlisle."

"Can you talk now, Edward?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be able to talk?"

"I thought you might be within earshot of Bella, watching over her."

Edward pressed his lips together. "You'll be relieved to know I'm _not_ stalking her at the moment."

"I didn't mean to suggest that you were stalking — "

"What do you need, Carlisle?"

The rude interruption led to a pause on the other end of the line. "I was saddened to find Jasper returning home alone. I thought, well, I _hoped,_ that you might have been with him. We, uh, we miss you, son."

Edward's voice softened. "I'm sorry."

"Is Bella alright? Her head . . .?"

"Yes, I saw her leave the hospital. Surprisingly, she didn't trip on the way to her truck."

Carlisle chuckled lightly. After a beat he ventured, "So, if you're not coming home, and you're not watching over Bella . . ."

"What exactly _am_ I doing? Well, at present I am sitting here staring at the piano that was ruined when my girlfriend's paper-cut almost resulted in her murder. Later on, I'll go suffer through listening to Jacob Black's lewd, salacious thoughts about Bella. Then tonight I might swing by her house and listen to her scream all night long. I've got quite an agenda lined up."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Edward."

Hearing Carlisle's reprimand, Edward's shoulders slumped. He closed his eyes and murmured "Yes, Father."

"I was the one who sewed up Bella after that birthday mishap, and it was obvious to me that you were far more distressed by that accident than she was."

Edward wished to protest the use of the word "accident" but he kept his mouth shut as Carlisle continued, "Bella knew the risks of being with you. She knew them, and she took them. Just like you knew the risks when you came back to her last year."

"But I didn't know it would turn out like _this_." He clenched his fists. "Well, maybe I did; maybe I had an inkling that I should never have interfered in her life. Regardless, I couldn't stay away from her. I tried. I honestly did."

"I know you did." The patriarch's voice was full of understanding. "It's still true that you can't stay away from Bella, isn't it?"

"It appears so. My presence does nothing to prevent her from meeting harm, yet still I stay. I stay and watch her turn to others for comfort."

"So you're just giving up? You're conceding Bella to _Jacob Black?"_ Carlisle remembered stitching up the boy a time or two at the hospital when Jacob had been younger. "He's but a child, Edward."

"He's growing into a man," Edward wistfully replied. "Bella deserves to get married and have babies with a man who can genuinely keep her safe."

"It hardly sounds like Bella is safe around Jacob."

"Jacob is like a bull crashing through a china shop. He has complete disregard for Bella's health, egging her on to ride a motorcycle, of all things. Still, he's human. Bella deserves one of her own kind."

"Well, Bella may be human, but she is one of the oddest humans I've ever encountered."

A faint smile crossed Edward's face.

Carlisle resumed, "Instead of being repelled by our kind, she's drawn to us. She is such a brave, intelligent girl."

His teeth clenched. "She is utterly careless with her well-being."

"Edward, why is Bella endangering herself like this? Approaching strange men at a bar? Riding a motorcycle as a novice, without a helmet for heaven's sake?"

His eyes tightened. "I don't know, but I have a feeling that you're going to tell me."

Carlisle gave another soft chuckle. "Yes I am. I believe that by putting her life at risk, she is trying to feel closer to you in some way."

"_What?"_

"Hear me out, son. Bella is drawn to danger, yet she never gets seriously hurt. She somehow blocks external forces from causing her damage. You thought that by leaving her, you would keep her safe. That hypothesis has been nullified, Edward. Bella is going to put herself at risk whether you are in her life or not . . . it's, it's like breathing to her. And you have to choose whether or not you will join her on that journey. But you cannot halt her progress on that path simply by leaving her. You cannot change her destiny; you cannot remove her free will."

Edward sat silently, bowled over by his father's words. Eventually he haltingly protested, "But . . . but her _soul_, Carlisle. I will not take that away from her."

"It's _her_ soul, Edward. It's hers to do with as she pleases." He let that sink in for a moment and then continued, "And it appears to me that her soul belongs with you, at least for the time being. You think she's better off without you? You believe her life would be vastly improved by being with a human? Have you ever considered that she might not _belong_ with another human?"

"How can you say that? She would lose so much if she stayed with me!"

"It should be her choice. However, by leaving her, you've made it _your_ choice." Carlisle cleared his throat. "Esme didn't get a choice. None of us did. And now there's a lovely, luminous girl that you've brought into our lives — a girl who infuses your existence with meaning — a girl who _does_ have a choice — yet you've taken away all semblance of her free will. It isn't right."

A flash of anger coursed through Edward, and he drew silent once again.

Carlisle frowned. "Listen, Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to become such a meddling fool. I . . . this is your life; this is your free will. I just hate watching you struggle so."

Taking a calming breath, he begrudgingly responded "You're not meddling, Carlisle. And despite your best efforts to conceal them, I've heard some of these thoughts in your head already. Your admonitions are not entirely a surprise."

"I've wanted to say these things to you for some time, but I held back, wishing to respect your autonomy. Once I got started, though, the words all came tumbling out. I do apologize."

Silently fingering the melody of _Clair de Lune_ with his right hand, tickling the ivory with the slightest of touches, Edward shook his head. "There's no need to apologize. I know that you care about me; that you only want the best for me. I must be frustrating you all immensely with the way I've been acting."

"I'm pleased that you realize that. You know, you've come a long way with your emotional control." Carlisle paused. "It's just that when _you_ hurt, Edward, _we_ hurt. I know that you will figure out this conundrum, though. I have faith in you. I know you will do the right thing."

"And what is that, Father?"

"I wish I knew. Only you know that . . . only you and Bella."

Agitated, Edward rose from the piano bench and began pacing the parquet floor. He was well aware that had _not_ been doing the right thing. Far from it. "Did Jasper happen to tell you what transpired with Dr. Carlton?"

Carlisle sounded confused. "No?"

_Bless Jasper._

The name dawned on Carlisle. "_Nina_ Carlton?"

Edward halted his pacing. "Do you know her?"

"I referred some suicidal ER patients her way once or twice. She's very good. Why do you bring her up?"

"Charlie dragged Bella to counseling with her. I've been, um, sort of listening in on Bella's sessions with Nina, as a means of discovering why Bella is endangering herself."

When Carlisle didn't say anything, Edward rushed ahead, in full confession mode, "It wasn't working very well, so I decided to go see Nina myself."

"For therapy? What on earth did you tell her?"

"I pretended to be somebody else. I feigned Bipolar Disorder."

"Really." Carlisle sounded disappointed. "And how did that turn out?"

"Unfailingly ruinous." Edward's voice was laced with self-disgust. "Nina knew I was lying. She thought I was trying to _hurt_ her."

When Carlisle spoke again, his tone was gentle. "That must have been very difficult for you when it blew up in your face like that."

"It was horrific."

"You haven't sounded this broken since 1918, when you, uh, when there was that slip. But you eventually bounced back from that. And I'm sure you and Bella will recover from this too."

Edward rasped, "What makes you so sure?"

"Because you love each other, and because you are a man of integrity, Edward. I know you'll do the right thing."

He made a halfhearted scoffing noise, lowering his head.

Carlisle fought off the desire to beg him to come to Alaska. "Edward, uh, if you choose to come home, we'll be here for you. But if you decide to stay in Forks . . . we'll try to understand. Please consider this decision carefully."

Edward nodded, appearing overwhelmed. "I will."

"Esme sends her love."

"Thank you. Please pass along my affection as well."

"Do the right thing."

Edward's eyelids fluttered shut. "Yes, Father."

~~ * ~~

There was no sign of her in her office or her home, but Edward quickly identified her 2004 Subaru Forrester in the parking lot of a medical clinic in town. He remained hidden in the nearby woods fronting the lot, listening intently to the sounds emanating from the clinic.

_And then he got this rash yesterday — it looks horrible._

_That's probably an allergic reaction to the Amoxicillin, Mrs. Hudson._

A small boy whimpered, and Edward shifted away from that conversation.

_You say you feel it during urination? When did the itching, burning sensation begin?_

Edward's attention fled from that particular exam room.

_Have you been taking your Metformin every day, Mrs. Whitefish?_

_Of course._

_No she hasn't. Don't lie to the doctor, Mother._

That was Nina's voice, and Edward remained glued to that conversation. Nina's thoughts drifted in and out, but he could clearly hear the thoughts of her mother and the doctor.

When submitting to a blood test, Hehewuti Whitefish's line of thinking was mournful. _Don't let me die before my daughter finds some happiness. A man, perhaps another child, to bring some desperately needed joy to her life? Please_.

It was five minutes later when Nina and her mother emerged from the clinic. They were walking at a sloth's pace, slowed by Wuti's shuffling gait. Nina cupped her hands to support her mother's elbows, shadowing Wuti's steps during their trek to the car.

With trepidation, Edward approached the two women. He glanced to his right and left, hoping nobody in town would recognize him.

Nina saw him first, and halted immediately, her body tensing. Wuti looked behind her to Nina's anxious face, and then followed her daughter's line of vision to the handsome young man striding toward them in the parking lot.

Edward came to rest at a respectful distance from the two. His fidgeting was not purely intentional. "Dr. Carlton?"

"What . . . what do you want?"

"I want to apologize, ma'am."

Wuti looked intrigued. "Who is he, Nina?"

Nina gazed into his incandescent golden eyes, which seemed a shade darker than when he had come to her office. The eyes were warm and contrite; non-threatening.

"Please, Dr. Carlton. Just a minute or two?"

She hesitated for several moments, wondering if she should give him another chance.

Giving a soft squeeze to her mother's upper arm, Nina said "He's a friend of Seth's. Let's get you in the car and then I'll speak to him for a second."

Edward's shoulders sagged with relief.

"He's Seth's friend? But I want to hear about my nephew!" Wuti twisted a bit in her daughter's hold, but Nina firmly guided her to the passenger door of the car.

Edward suppressed the urge to grin when he overheard Wuti's thoughts as Nina settled her into the car seat. _That boy is a doll! What a pity he's too young for Nina._

Nina was thinking, _Stay calm. Just listen to what his apology and leave._ She closed the car door, squared her shoulders, and took a few steps in Edward's direction.

He blinked several times. _Here we go. Do the right thing, Cullen._

"I am exceedingly sorry that I wasted your time the other day, Dr. Carlton. I made a huge error in judgment. I do not have Bipolar Disorder, and it was wrong of me to pretend that I did."

"Why did you lie, Anthony?"

"Well, first off, my name is Edward Cullen."

"You lied about your _name?"_

He winced. "Yes, ma'am. Do you recognize my name?"

She shook her head, and then recalled, "There was a Dr. Cullen who worked at the hospital."

"That's my father."

"Oh." She squinted at him. "Why would you try to hide your name from me?"

"Because I am the boy who left Bella Swan."

Nina's eyes lit up in recognition, though she tried to cover up her reaction.

"I'm the reason Bella's so depressed," Edward continued. "I had no idea she'd react that way to my departure, but she did." His expression was pained. "It's . . . dreadful. I guess I didn't want you to think badly of me."

"So why fake Bipolar Disorder? That is a real illness, you know. It's not a joke."

He flinched, reading the hurt in her eyes. Though she tried to fight it, her mind was filled with images of a young Quileute boy with a dazzling white smile, as well as the repetition of _Adam, Adam, Adam._

How could Edward not have realized how hurtful it was to fake the very affliction that had taken her son's life? He was an absolute idiot, cruel beyond words.

"It _is_ a real illness; you're right. I am so sorry. I did not wish to minimize the suffering of individuals with manic depression. I just needed to talk to you, and I didn't know another way to acquire your attention."

She sized him up suspiciously. "You needed to talk to me? Why?"

"It's Bella." He ran one hand through his thick bronze hair, feeling his hand tremble as he did so. "She's putting herself in danger. I wanted you to know so that you could put a stop it."

Nina seemed to struggle to find words. "I cannot, um, confirm or deny that I'm seeing the individual you're asking me about."

"I understand — confidentiality and all of that. Let's just say that hypothetically, if you were seeing Bella, then you'd want to know if she was engaging in self-harm, correct? You'd want to know that about one of your patients, I mean?"

Nina nodded noncommittally.

"You might already be aware of the fact that Bella approached strange men in a bar." Edward looked angry. "Yesterday, though, she hopped on a motorcycle without having a clue for how to operate such a dangerous vehicle, and naturally she was thrown from the bike and hit her head. She had to get stitches at the hospital."

She appeared alarmed. "And how do you know that?"

Edward was about to respond with his well-rehearsed lie: _One of my father's former colleagues at the hospital called him and told him about it_. However, Nina's concerned expression stopped him short. It was obvious that Nina cared about Bella, and therefore, by extension, Edward liked Nina. Carlisle's rebuke to "do the right thing" was also bouncing around in his head. Though Edward was not certain what that entailed exactly, he was rather sure that lying would not be part of it.

"I can't tell you," Edward finally responded. "I promised myself I wouldn't lie to you again."

She eyed him carefully. "So you wanted me to know that Bella was endangering herself?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Nina gestured around her at the parking lot, appearing exasperated. "You could have just _told_ me that! Like you're doing now, um, Edward. There was no need for your abysmal acting performance."

He nodded, looking remorseful. "I made a proper mess of things."

Nina sighed, tilting her head to one side and studying him. "That wasn't my proudest therapist moment, either. I don't make it a practice to throw clients out of my office . . . it's not the most therapeutic intervention."

They both exchanged the slightest of grins.

The psychologist assumed her professional demeanor once again. "When an individual passes along information about one of my clients, I tell my client about it. I'm not saying that Bella is my client, but if she was, I'd be sharing this conversation with her."

His eyes widened with horror. "Please. No! You cannot tell Bella that I talked to you. She does not know I'm back. She must not know."

"Why?"

"If she knew I was in Forks yet not going to her; if she knew I was avoiding her . . ." He gripped his forehead with both hands, filled with repulsion.

"What is making you avoid her?"

His voice was hollow. "I'm no good for her. She deserves better. She deserves a beautiful life, and I . . . I cannot be part of that." He head bobbed down, slumping with defeat. "I only end up hurting her. I don't want to hurt her anymore."

His words were so heartfelt and tortured that Nina found herself saying "Now _that_ was honest."

His head snapped up, concerned that he had said too much.

Nina gave him a maternal smile. "Are you sure the only reason you came to see me was to convey your concern about Bella?"

Edward appeared confused.

"This has to be the most unique variation of the old 'My _friend_ has a problem and needs therapy' pretense," she continued. "Your self-esteem is obviously in the toilet, young man. I think _you're_ the one who wants to be in therapy."

"I . . ." He was speechless. Why did she always perplex him so thoroughly?

"Daughter!" Wuti Whitefish's voice rang out into the parking lot from her open car door. "Chop, chop — let's wrap this up! Stop flirting with that handsome boy. I have to pee."

"One moment, Mother!" Nina called out over her shoulder, muttering _"Mommie Dearest"_ under her breath when she returned her gaze to Edward. "Come see me soon, Mr. Cullen. We'll work on that depression problem of yours."

"But, but . . ."

She was already in her car by the time he knew that the conversation was over. With a dumbfounded expression, Edward stared at the forest-green Subaru backing out of its space and then speeding off, standing stock-still for several moments before realizing that he needed to abscond into the forest lest anyone else realize that he was back in Forks.

A strange sense of exhilaration enveloped him as he bounded through the massive trees. He had absolutely no reason to hope that he and Bella might ever be reunited, and yet for some bizarre reason, he felt a ray of optimism dawning within him. He now knew what he wanted to do next.

~~ * ~~

A satisfied grin lit up his face as he soundlessly leapt out of Bella's window. So she had not allowed him to buy her gifts when they had been together? Now that they were apart, he figured that her inane no-gift rule no longer applied. He had left the present, shiny and new, on her bed in her empty room, and he could not wait for her to find it.

As he traversed the familiar forest trail to Forks High School, the smile did not leave his lips for miles.

Author's Notes

Thank you to those of you (Laura2468 and LisaCA) who suggested that Edward give Bella a gift. Stay tuned for chapter 13 when we discover what he gave her. Do you have any guesses? I left a little hint in the chapter for those super sleuths out there.

Please vote for the Indie Twific Awards 3/15/10 to 3/24/10! There are five stories competing for _Best Use of a Parent_, and I'm honored that _Mimiteh_ is one of them.

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	13. Mystery

This is the last opportunity to vote for the **Indie Twific Awards**—voting ends on March 24th, 2010. This story is a finalist in the _Best Use of a Parent_ category.

www(dot)theindietwificawards(dot)com/default(dot)aspx

Thank you for reading!

13. Mystery

Bella came to a dead stop the second she walked into her room, finding an unfamiliar object sitting innocently on her purple bedspread.

Staring back at her was a shiny motorcycle helmet.

She blinked several times, gaping at its red color . . . the same color as her bike. Whose helmet was it? Was it a gift? Who had left it there?

Unquestionably, she knew exactly who had left her the gift; she could feel it in her gut. The gut that was now splitting open with a torturous ache at the mere thought of him. _Edward_.

How had he known that she had crashed the bike and hit her head? Was Alice watching her? Her heartbeat sped up. Was _he_ watching over her?

_The hardness in his eyes melted, and liquid pools of gold bore into her._

"_I would like to ask one favor . . . don't do anything reckless or stupid."_

Forcing herself to stride purposefully to the bed, she picked up the helmet and drew it to her nose, inhaling deeply. Was that his enchanting scent she detected; the faintest sweet aroma of vampire? Or, was it just the smell of cold graphite? Her mind knew that he was gone, but her heart clung to the possibility that he was back; that he had silently visited her room once again, bestowing forbidden gifts upon her.

Lowering the helmet, she frowned. It wasn't him, and she knew it. The reality was that she was desperately conjuring up his scent in an attempt to feel a modicum of closeness to him. She was hopeless. Now she could add olfactory hallucinations to her growing list of crazy, including auditory and visual hallucinations. Begrudgingly she admitted that it probably wasn't a bad idea that she'd be seeing Nina in a half hour.

_Jacob_ must have left the helmet for her. She was surprised he had not taped a note onto it, teasing her with an inside joke like _"Foot Brakes = Skull Crackers"_ or _"No horizontal parking allowed"_. Then her faint smile vanished, thinking about how easily Charlie could have found the helmet in her bedroom. She would have had a world of explaining to do if that had been the case.

"Bells?" Charlie hollered up the stairwell, causing her to jump and emit a squeak.

Her eyes widened in horror as she heard him mount the first stair, repeating "Bells? You up there?"

Frantically she snatched up the helmet and tossed it into her closet, replying "Yeah I'm here!" while draping a coat over the traitorous gift and then slamming the closet door shut. The mad dash to hide the evidence had made the wound near her hairline throb, and her hand was pressed to the gash when Charlie entered her room.

He gave her the once-over, his shrewd policing skills alerting him that she was up to something. "Your stitches hurting?"

She nodded, wincing.

"You'd think all that pain would remind you not to fall again."

Bella shrugged weakly, trying to remember the story she had told Charlie to explain the need for her most recent hospital visit. "What are you doing here, Dad? It's only 3:30 on a work day."

"I came home to take you to your therapy appointment. You didn't forget about it, did you?"

"Hardly. Why do you think my head hurts so much?"

It took him a second to understand that barb, and then one side of Charlie's mouth quirked up. "Because Nina's about to shrink it?"

Bella moved to the desk chair to grab her jacket which was slung across it. "Um, Dad, I was planning on driving the truck there. You don't have to take me."

"No problem. I figured you could focus on the session better if I drove—you know, you could plan ahead on how to tell Nina what a great dad you have and all."

She gave him a challenging stare and he seemed dismayed that she didn't laugh at his little joke.

Looking nervous, he asked, "Do you, uh, _do_ you talk about me in there?"

"Relax, Dad. Nina thinks you're great."

"Really?" He smiled for a second, and then re-adopted the gruff manner befitting his position as Police Chief. "We better go; don't want to be late."

"Well, I just have to throw a couple of baked potatoes in the oven before we leave."

She started to brush past him when he offered, "Nah, let's go to the diner tonight. Give you a break from cooking, okay? You do too much around here."

Glancing up at him, it seemed like she was looking into a mirror when she gazed into his concerned brown eyes. "Sure, Dad."

~~ * ~~

Nina wore a look of surprise when she opened the door leading from her office to the waiting room. "Charlie!"

He instantly popped off the chair and returned her warm smile as they stood staring at each other awkwardly. Bella took it all in, attempting to discern why her father had a goofy grin plastered on his face.

Nina said, "I didn't expect to see you today. Are you joining us for the session?"

She glanced over at Bella, who was vehemently shaking her head. Therapy was difficult enough without Charlie being there to witness the carnage.

"No," Charlie answered. "I just thought I'd take off work early and drive Bella myself. You never know when that ancient truck of hers is going to break down, and I didn't want her to miss her appointment with you. I think the counseling is really helping her."

Bella was too surprised to be angry at him for talking about her like she wasn't there. She had never heard Charlie string together so many words at once. In addition, his voice sounded peculiar . . . kind of shaky and not as deep as normal.

"I'm glad to hear that; Bella has been working hard in our sessions." Nina smiled at her client. "I'm most interested in hearing how _you_ think therapy is going, Bella." Turning back to Charlie, she said, "So you'll be staying in the waiting room, then?"

"Uh, yeah . . . wait, no, I'll probably go for a walk out in the woods; you know, get some fresh air. Spring is coming soon." He had his hands on his hips, and he glanced at the front door of the house as if seeking an escape route. "Do you like to hike?"

He had been looking away from her when he asked the question, so Nina hesitated for a moment until his wandering eyes eventually landed on hers. "Do you, uh, like to hike, Nina?"

"Oh." She gave a nervous chuckle. "Well, yes. Yes, I do. There's a trail that starts out there by that dirt road."

"Right, I've been out there before, searching for those big bears."

Appearing worried, Nina asked "Are you sure it's safe for you out there?"

Charlie gave a stoic nod and a manly sniff. "I'll be fine." Catching his daughter's look of combined mortification and puzzlement, he backpedaled toward the exit. "I'll let you kids get to it, then. Uh, enjoy yourselves."

He was out the door in a flash.

Bella chewed on her lower lip. "Sorry about that. He's kind of weird sometimes."

"It was nice of him to drive you here; it's good to see him." The corners of Nina's eyes crinkled as she smiled genuinely. "It's good to see you too. Please come in, Bella."

~~ * ~~

Outside the house, Edward halted his pacing and alternating mutters of _"You should leave, stalker!" _with_ "But what if Nina tells Bella about me?" _when Charlie strode out of the front door. Edward flattened himself to the wood siding and peeked around the corner of the house to watch Bella's father hulk toward the forest.

Like Edward, Charlie was also muttering to himself. "_Real smooth, Swan. Way to be a dork."_

Taking a break from his internal debate about staying or leaving, Edward smiled faintly at Charlie's words. If only he knew that Nina did not find him to be a dork at all. In fact, upon discovering him in the waiting room, she had been thinking, _Damn, he looks good in that uniform_. And when Charlie had asked her about hiking, Nina's heart had fluttered, wondering, _Is he thinking of asking me out?_

How ridiculous that they both liked each other but were not acting on those feelings.

Shaking his head, Edward focused once again on the love of his life, turning back to listening in on Bella's counseling session.

Nina asked, "How was school today?"

"Okay . . . nothing special. We had a Shakespeare quiz."

"How did it go?"

Bella sighed. "Not so great."

"Really? I thought you enjoyed literature?"

Looking down, Bella scrutinized her fingernails.

Nina tilted her head to one side, studying her silent client. "Oh. I presume that _he_ used to be in the class with you?"

Still looking down, Bella nodded. Her voice was soft. "We sat together."

Edward closed his eyes, filled with self-hatred.

Letting her client go at her own pace, Nina sat quietly until Bella continued, "He could recite all of Romeo's lines, even though he disliked his character."

"Hmm. Sometimes we feel strongly about fictional characters that remind us of ourselves. What did he dislike about Romeo?"

"He said that Romeo was a fickle man who destroyed his own happiness."

In Nina's mind, Edward saw a reflection of himself standing in the medical clinic's parking lot. Nina compared Bella's description of a Shakespeare-quoting happiness-destroyer to her mental image of him, deciding that the two fit together quite nicely. She nodded, reminding herself not to use the name _Edward_ in Bella's presence, and continued listening.

Feeling offended, Edward squelched a small growl from erupting. _He_ didn't destroy his own happiness, darn it! Romeo was a _fictional_ character!

"He said that he could understand Romeo's actions at the end, though." Bella's voice choked up. "He told me that he would make contingency plans if something were ever to happen to me . . . that he could _never_ live without me."

To his horror, Edward realized that Bella had begun to cry, and the full weight of his betrayal hit him squarely in the chest. The juxtaposition of him telling Bella that he had contemplated suicide when he thought he had lost her to James, next to him voluntarily _leaving_ her, made him utterly disgusted with himself. The lure of provoking the Volturi shined like a bright beacon in his mind, seeming almost more appealing now than during the aftermath of James' attack.

At least Edward knew that Bella was safe this time. Well, she would be safe until she rode that damn motorcycle again.

"That must have been quite confusing for you," Nina gently responded while handing the box of tissues to Bella. "It's very difficult to understand why he left you."

"No," she cried, sniffing a couple of times, thinking about his superior beauty and grace. "It's not difficult to understand. It's not difficult at all."

Nina pursed her lips, sensing that her client was mired in her own unworthiness once again. From the little she knew about Edward Cullen, it appeared that he had found his match in Bella Swan, at least in terms of equally low self-esteem. No wonder their relationship had ended. She could imagine that both of them had often misinterpreted each other when perceiving the relationship through a filter of self-deprecation, assuming that neither was good enough for each other.

When Bella lowered her head, Nina caught a glimpse of a red scar just above her temple. Recalling what Edward had shared with her, her teeth clenched thinking of the teenage girl recklessly crashing a motorcycle of all things.

Nina opened her mouth to speak, but then abruptly closed it. What had she been thinking, inviting Edward back in to continue as her client? Now she was even more bound by rules of confidentiality, disallowing her to reveal Edward's concerns about Bella. She would have to play this interrogation carefully.

"Bella?" she began tenderly. "I noticed you have some stitches on your head?"

She snapped up her gaze, blinking rapidly. One hand automatically covered the scar. "Oh, this? It's, um, it's nothing."

"What happened?"

Outside the house, Edward lifted his face from his hands, enticed by the conversation despite his self-loathing.

"Uh . . . I fell."

Nina smiled affectionately, recalling Bella's near wipe-out one of the first times she had entered the office. "You do that a lot, don't you? Where did you fall?"

Bella's cheeks blushed and her heart thumped, aware of Charlie's presence nearby as well as the destruction caused by Nina's father's motorcycle accident. "Um, uh, I was at Jacob's place." She attempted a bright smile. "Did I tell you that Jake got me a surprise gift?"

"Really? What was it?"

"Um, I'd uh rather not say."

Edward felt caught between relief and disappointment upon discovering Bella's belief that Jacob had given her the motorcycle helmet. Apparently he _still_ could not give her gifts.

Nina refused to be misdirected. "So you were at Jacob's place. What made you fall?"

Bella grew quiet, wringing her hands together in an attempt not to cradle her torso. The throbbing in her chest had returned. She had just wanted to hear his voice . . .

Nina's thoughts had been unreadable for most of the session, but Edward now saw an image in her mind of a mangled heap of metal. The memory appeared to take place in a junk yard on a cold, rainy day. A younger version of her mother Hehewuti stood a few feet away, also dressed in black, and Nina felt pulled to go to her, to comfort her. Yet she could not force her feet to cross the distance to her mother, for she was too swamped in her own feelings of grief.

Listening to Nina's mournful thoughts, Edward grasped that the mother and daughter were staring at the twisted remains of the father's motorcycle, shortly following his death.

Another image flashed in Nina's mind of a long-haired Quileute man lying in a hospital bed, his face contorted in pain. At first Edward thought that it was a memory of Nina's father taking his last breaths, but then the face came into sharper focus and Edward realized that it was Billy Black lying there helplessly. Squinting, he tried to make sense of the images. Had the motorcycle accident caused Billy's paralysis?

Stunned by these revelations, Edward understood even better the dilemma facing Nina in the present moment. She was terrified that Bella might suffer the same fate as her father or Billy from toying with dangerous motorcycles, yet she was bound not to share how she knew about Bella riding a motorcycle in the first place.

Edward's thoughts turned to Jacob. How could he have let Bella ride that infernal bike, knowing what had happened to his own father? The boy was incredibly irresponsible, and Edward's fists clenched with fury thinking about the situation.

"I'm concerned about you getting hurt, Bella," Nina eventually managed. "You sustained such a bad cut that you needed stitches, yet you won't tell me how it happened."

Bella squirmed in her chair, aiming an apologetic look at her psychologist.

Edward noticed that when she focused back on her client, Nina's thoughts grew quiet again.

A spark of insight made him flinch.

Bella wasn't blocking Nina's thoughts. _Nina_ was blocking her own thoughts. But not when thinking about herself . . . those personalized considerations of Nina's were quite readable by Edward. It was only when Nina was focused on caring for somebody else, such as a psychotherapy client or her mother, that her mind closed like a steel bear-trap.

He thought Bella had been the only aberration he would ever encounter, foiling his astute mindreading skills, yet now he had run into another human with the same talent for blocking his ability, albeit not as strong or consistent as with Bella. What did Bella and Nina share in common?

The swift processing speed of his brain made him fly through memory files, considering each and every experience he had shared with the two human females. The cache for shared experience with Bella was much larger than that of Nina, and took him longer to inspect. He found himself lingering on the painful memory of racing through the Phoenix airport with Emmett and Carlisle, trying desperately to reach Bella before she sacrificed herself to James. Before she sacrificed herself for Renee.

Edward paused.

All her life, Bella had been there for her scatterbrained mother and broken father, in effect parenting her parents. His mind flashed onto the image of Nina shadowing her shuffling mother in the medical clinic parking lot, patiently and lovingly assisting her to the car.

Had Bella and Nina been so externally focused their entire lives, caring for others far more extensively than for themselves, that their internal structures had become underdeveloped and inaccessible? Had their combined caring for their emotionally and/or physically needy mothers, set in place from childhood, somehow blocked their ability to care for their own needs? Had they unconsciously constructed a wall around their internal worlds, thwarting others from caring for them?

And why could Edward hear Nina's thoughts when they were self-directed, yet not hear Bella's thoughts at all?

Fascinated by the questions swirling in his mind, he returned his attention to the counseling session occurring inside. Nina _had_ to make Bella stop endangering herself. But how could that happen when Bella seemed incapable of considering her own health and safety?

Author Notes:

I'm very curious about your thoughts regarding the development of Bella's block, as well as the plausibility of Nina's "partial block".

I've been fascinated by trying to understand why Edward cannot hear Bella's thoughts, and for me I believe that it is related to her caretaking relationship with her mother. She has been so externally focused that her internal focus did not develop normally. What do _you_ think?

Regarding Nina's ability, she has had a similar caretaking relationship with her mother that probably led her to become a psychologist (combined with her attempts to understand and heal from her father's alcoholism). In some ways, Nina's story is based on my own personal and professional experience as a reformed caretaker. I had to learn how to take care of my own needs before I could really help others. It is true that when I am "in the zone" with clients, I feel like I am seeing the world through their eyes and not focused on my own crap in the moment. It's also true that therapists need to tap into their own feelings and reactions to be most effective with clients, so a total block probably would not be best.

Thank you to all of you who have added this story to your story alerts. I'm rather new to this site, but I'm guessing that it might be unusual to have about the same number of alerts as total reviews? Though I'm grateful to those of you who have taken the time to type out a few words sharing your opinion of the story, apparently I must repel reviews for the majority of my readers. However, here is the chance to share your thoughts! I'd love to hear your reactions. Jen xx


	14. Nurturance

Thank you to all who voted for _Mimiteh_ in the Indie Twific Awards. What a thrill that this story won the award for _Best Use of a Parent_. It's very encouraging to me as a writer!

I appreciate readers who take time out of their busy schedules to read this story. I do not own Twilight, nor do I own a few words taken from Twilight and used in this chapter.

Thank you to vamplicious for an idea I used in this chapter! Here's Part two of Bella's third therapy session, where we continue to explore the parents in Bella and Edward's lives . . .

14. Nurturance

Drumming his fingers against the siding of the white house, Edward felt a sense of relief upon figuring out why Nina's thoughts sometimes escaped his telepathic powers. He believed it had something to do with her relationship with her immature and needy mother, a relationship which seemed to parallel the one Bella had with Renee. It appeared that Nina and Bella were so devoted to caring for their mothers that they often forgot how to care for themselves, leading them to unconsciously block efforts by others to care for _them_.

Edward could hear Nina thoughts when they were self-directed, but when the psychologist keyed in on a client, empathically striving to understand his or her world, then Edward heard nothing. He could tell by the silences between the spoken words of the therapy session that Nina was currently focused entirely on Bella, blocking Edward's mindreading.

"So how exactly did you fall?" Nina asked again, pressing Bella to explain the gash on her forehead.

"Oh, you know, Jacob was taking me out to the garage to show me the work he'd done on his Rabbit, and when we got out there, um, it was dark, and my foot slipped on that . . . on that thingey, you know, that rolls under cars to fix them?"

Nina conceded a half-nod. "Then what cut your head?"

"I hit, um, a bicycle on my way down." Embellishing, she added, "It was old and rusty. I think it was red, but the paint was peeling pretty badly from the frame so I'm not sure. Maybe an orange-ish color?" She smiled nervously.

"Then your arm must be sore too, huh?"

Bella scrunched her forehead. "My arm?"

"Yes, where they gave you a tetanus shot."

The eighteen year-old swallowed. "Um, they didn't give me one."

"They didn't? Didn't you tell them the bike was rusty?"

"Uh, maybe I forgot?"

"You need to tell Charlie to take you back, then, and get a shot. You don't want to get an infection."

Looking slightly green, Bella asked, "Will there be blood involved?"

Nina appeared puzzled. "With the shot? I don't think so. Why do you ask?"

"I'm a little squeamish around blood."

"Oh."

Outside the house, Edward chuckled softly. They were a match made in hell.

"I'm really surprised the nurse didn't give you a tetanus shot," Nina continued, refusing to be derailed from her line of questioning. "Are you _sure_ that's how you cut your head? On a rusty bike?"

The bike _had_ been rusty, before Jacob had fixed it, but it was falling _off_ the bike (launching herself off of it, more accurately) and not _onto_ it that had caused her wound. Bella fidgeted on the sofa, feeling the force of the psychologist's gaze upon her.

After a minute of silence Bella questioned, "This is confidential, right?"

"Of course."

"Um — "

Nina interrupted, "Though you do remember the exceptions to confidentiality? If you're talking about being in immediate danger of harming yourself or somebody else, I may have to take steps to protect people."

Bella pursed her lips. "How do you define _danger_?"

"That's a good question. It means that somebody's life is in immediate risk. Typically it means that individuals are suicidal and cannot promise to keep themselves safe. But, for example, if my clients are doing some sort of self-injury like cutting or something like that, and the intent is not to kill themselves, then I can keep that information private."

"I'm not suicidal," Bella promised. "I'd never do that to Charlie or Renee."

Nina nodded. "If that ever changes, you know you can talk to me about that, right? I expect you to let me or Charlie or Renee know if you are planning to kill yourself. Can you promise me that?"

"Okay." The conversation had turned quite intense, and Bella looked down, forcing herself to unwrap her arms from her torso. The clock ticked by and Nina waited patiently while Bella averted her gaze, glancing around at the office. Her eyes landed on the book _Life Without Ed_ again.

Nina hesitated and then spoke. "It seemed like you were about to tell me something, before we got sidetracked with your question about confidentiality. Maybe you were going to tell me how you got that cut your head?"

She looked frustrated. "It was falling in the garage on the bike."

Nina wondered if she would have believed Bella if not for already knowing the truth about the motorcycle. Sometimes clients thought that their psychologists could instantly spot deceit, but the truth was that clients probably lied to Nina all the time without her knowledge. She was a psychologist, not an investigator. She tended to give people the benefit of the doubt, trusting that they were honest with her, unless her intuition told her otherwise or unless the client seemed to tell one untruth after another . . . just like "Anthony Masen" had done.

"I don't think so, Bella." Nina smiled gently. "Do you want to tell me what really happened?"

Bella sat back on the sofa, crossing her arms in front of her. Though she was extremely uncomfortable with lying, she thought she had told a pretty good cover story. However, Nina seemed to see right through her. Could Nina read minds too?

The clock ticked on and finally Bella said, "I wasn't trying to kill myself." She hesitated. "But I _was_ riding a motorcycle." She gestured to her hairline. "That's how I got this."

"Have you ridden a motorcycle before?"

She shrugged. "First time."

One perfectly sculpted black eyebrow arched . "You were riding a motorcycle without a helmet?"

Bella bit her lower lip. "Well, I have a helmet _now_, for next time. Jacob gave it to me."

"There's going to be a _next time?"_

Nina had taken the words right out of Edward's mouth. He leaned in closer, straining to hear over that infernal white-noise machine.

Bella's voice was quiet and uncertain. "I . . . I don't know. Maybe."

"How exactly did you hit your head?"

"It was stupid. The road was veering left but I hadn't really learned how to turn, so I tried to brake but I used the wrong one. I sort of crashed and my head hit a rock."

Edward heard Nina's heart thumping, listening to Bella's cavalier retelling of the accident, and he knew that if Jasper were here he'd be saying something about Nina's panic right now. The psychologist seemed to be fighting for self control, and eventually she calmed herself down.

"Bella, I'm confused. You say you are squeamish around blood, and you don't seem like the adrenaline junky type to me, yet you keep engaging in risky behavior. First, approaching those strange men at the bar. Now you're flying off motorcycles at dangerous speeds. Can you help me understand this discrepancy?"

Edward listened intently. _Now_ they were getting somewhere. Though he knew Bella was squirming from these pointed questions, and he did not wish to cause his love any discomfort, he was glad that he had told Nina about the motorcycle caper.

More lip chewing by the teenager. "Maybe I _am_ an adrenaline junky?"

"Really. What do you like about putting your life in danger?"

"Oh, I don't know. Life is . . . rather boring. I like to spice it up. It makes me feel alive again." Some of that was true, actually. At the bar and on the bike, she had feel alive and awake, though it wasn't the adrenaline coursing through her veins that was stimulating her senses. It was the velvety voice flowing in her mind.

Nina nodded. "You said you've been feeling like a zombie, lifeless and dead. I can imagine it would be attractive to feel alive again."

Bella nodded heartily.

"I'm wondering, Bella, is there any way for you to invigorate yourself besides risking your life?"

"But if it's not risky enough then I won't hear . . ." She shut up immediately, alarmed that she had almost given up her secret.

Inside and outside the house, Nina and Edward tilted their heads to one side. The psychologist asked, "You won't hear . . .?"

"Never mind."

Her client seemed to crave spilling the beans, but was holding herself back, and Nina nudged her, "You can share this with me. You know this information doesn't go anywhere. I can't tell Charlie any of this without your permission."

Bella fidgeted. "I'm afraid you'll think I'm crazy."

Nina couldn't help but smile. "Crazy? And how would you define crazy in your mind?"

Bella's heart skipped a beat, looking into the depths of Nina's affectionate black eyes. The psychologist's russet skin reminded Bella of Jacob, and lent a sense of comfort between them despite Bella's fear of telling Nina too much.

"I'm here to help, Bella. If you don't want to tell me, that's okay, but it might help to share some of your fears with me. I seriously doubt you're going crazy."

Swallowing, Bella finally blurted out, "What about hallucinations? That means I'm crazy, right?"

Edward's eyes widened.

Nina paused. "You're having hallucinations?"

When Bella nodded, blinking quickly in order to avoid tears from pooling in her beautiful brown eyes, Nina realized that the girl really was scared that she was going insane. "Are you seeing something that's not there?"

Bella shook her head. "I'm . . . hearing something." Her complexion paled further.

"What are you hearing?"

Edward craned his neck forward.

Bella whispered, _"Him."_

Edward recoiled. So she _could_ hear him when he scolded her. He thought that had been the case, and now he was receiving verification. But how could she hear him when he had not been speaking aloud? Was this some kind of reverse telepathy?

Nina shifted in her chair. "You hear . . . his voice?"

"Yes. His beautiful, honey voice. Speaking to me."

"What does he say?"

She smiled sadly. "He tells me to stop endangering myself. He orders me to go home to Charlie." Her voice trembled. "He tells me to remember my promise."

"Your promise?" Nina repeated.

Bella's upper lip quivered and her nose burned. Unable to fight off the impending emotion, a tear splashed down her cheek. "I'm sorry."

Nina gave her an incredulous look. "No need to apologize for crying. You're feeling scared and alone. I'd be crying too."

Shooting her a look of gratitude, Bella took the box of offered tissues and dabbed at her eye. Sniffing, she got out, "When he left me, he . . . he asked me not to do anything reckless and stupid. He always thought I was a magnet for danger. He always thought . . . he used to tell me that I didn't care enough about my own self-preservation. And I don't mean to disobey him, but it's the only part of him I have left . . ."

An insight flashed upon Nina. "That's why you endanger yourself, isn't it? To hear his voice? To feel close to him again?"

"Yes," Bella sobbed, clutching her torso and rocking a bit on the sofa.

Edward's jaw dropped. _He_ was the reason she was risking her life? It was unfathomable.

"But, but he's _not_ close," Bella haltingly continued, through tears. "He's not there. That's why I'm crazy. I'm having hallucinations."

Nina narrowed her eyes, feeling her cheeks flush with anger. She knew that Edward had to have been there. These were no hallucinations, of course. He must have been hiding somewhere nearby, yelling at Bella to stop putting herself in danger. And now the poor girl thought she was going nuts. Nina pursed her lips. _I'm going to wring his neck_.

Overhearing her thoughts, Edward echoed them. _I'm going to wring my own neck_, he silently agreed. _Not that it would hurt me. I'm bloody indestructible._ He was full of self-loathing, clutching his head between his hands. _Not again. Not again._ Despite his best intentions to protect Bella, all he did was continue to hurt her. Time and time again.

Having forced her thoughts away from Edward and back to Bella, Nina gently offered, "Bella, I do not think you're crazy."

She lifted her gaze, tightly hanging onto a balled-up tissue in her hand. "You don't?"

"No." Nina smiled. "I think you're missing your boyfriend like crazy, though, and your mind is conjuring up a way to feel close to him. Do you know that when people are grieving, it's not abnormal to see a deceased loved one? It's a process of making sense of one's loss. And I know that he isn't dead, but the loss is just as acute for you as if he had passed away. Your bond was so tight that it feels like you lost part of yourself when he left."

Bella nodded mournfully, the tears starting afresh. Nina let her cry for a few minutes, occasionally murmuring empathic phrases like "You miss him dearly" and "It's been overwhelming to carry this all inside of you. You've felt so alone."

Edward listened to his lovely girl crying tears that he had caused, hating himself more with every tear, every sob. He acknowledged that he felt terribly alone as well. He was too embarrassed to tell any of his family members what had transpired in Forks since the time he had selfishly left Bella, though Jasper had witnessed some of the destruction, and Alice might have seen the carnage in her mind too. Carlisle was already upset with him, and he couldn't bear to speak to Esme, who loved Bella like one of her own. Rosalie would probably be disdainful of the emotional upheaval created by a silly human girl, and Emmett was currently busy attempting to track Victoria – another malevolent force Edward had drawn to Bella's life.

He obviously could not speak to Bella about all the hurt he'd caused her. He'd already been selfish enough. One thing he knew with absolute certainty was that he would no longer be stalking Bella to try to keep her safe. He only hoped that her next hair-raising adventure would not cause her serious harm, and that when she wouldn't hear his voice, that she would stop taking such ridiculous risks.

There was a rustling inside the counseling office, drawing Edward's attention back inside.

Nina extracted a book from her shelf and returned to her seat, meeting Bella's questioning glance. "Our discussion reminds me of a folktale about a princess. It's a story about moving forward from loss." Nina flipped through the well-worn pages and her face lit up with a fond recognition when she landed on the right place. "Is that okay if I read this folktale to you?"

Intrigued, Bella nodded. Nina's rich, soothing voice began:

_A long time ago in a magical kingdom by the sea, there lived a beautiful princess who led an enchanted life. Her father, the king, was an intelligent, creative man who spent most of his time coming up with new ideas for improving the lives of his people. He was a good father and loved to teach the princess new things, pleased that she was a quick learner._

_The young princess enjoyed spending time with her mother, the queen, who was a wise and loving woman. Often they would play together in the forest with gnomes, or in the sea with dolphins and fish. On special nights when the moon was full, they would admire the stars and dance with the faeries in the moonlight._

_Sadly, this enchanted life came to a tragic end one day. The queen died. The young princess was overcome with grief. She cried and cried and cried. She went for days without eating despite the king asking his chef to serve up the finest dishes. The princess withdrew from everyone, refusing to speak._

_The king was frightened by the intensity of his daughter's feelings and tried to distract her from her grief by building an elaborate amusement park, but the girl ignored it. He brought home several women as potential new mothers but the princess politely rejected each one. The king eventually gave up his efforts of consoling his daughter and went about his duties of running the kingdom._

_Years passed, and the princess no longer ventured outside the walls of the castle. She could no longer see the gnomes, the dolphins, the stars, the faeries. She forgot the language of the forest animals and how to communicate with the flowers and the plants. Although her appetite returned, her passion for life had disappeared. She ate, she slept. She slept, she ate. She was numb._

_The princess continued to impress others with her bright intellect but she never regained her sense of life and vitality. She had long since recognized how it worried her father for her to be depressed, so she became quite adept at feigning joy and happiness. However, her true joie de vivre had become lost._

_On the morning of her eighteenth birthday, she awoke to find that something was different. Colors seemed more vivid, her senses more acute. Instinctively she scurried to her window to find a gorgeous rainbow arching over the mists of the field. She was captivated by the scents of jasmine and roses wafting up to her bedroom, and her cheeks were warmed by the soft sunlight. "I am alive!" she cried._

_Dashing outside to her beloved forest, she felt the damp coolness of the greenery on her skin and smelled its delicious piney scent. She ran and ran until she arrived to the ocean, panting breathlessly. At the water's edge, she threw herself down on the sand, sobbing, her tears mingling with the ocean spray, crying, "Where is my mother?"_

"_I am here," a voice replied._

_Startled, the princess looked right and left. The voice seemed to come from within her and at the same time was all around her. "Who are you?" she asked._

"_I am your mother."_

"_Why did you not answer me before when I called and called for you?"_

"_Because," the voice responded, "in an effort to cope with your grief, you shut down your heart and I could no longer reach you. Now you are open and awake so we can connect again."_

"_Why did you leave me?" the princess asked._

"_I hated having to leave you, but there were many lessons you could learn best in my absence. From your pain, you learned compassion. Your anger gave you clarity and the strength to persevere. Your loneliness taught you self-awareness. By experiencing your greatest fears, you learned courage."_

_The voice quieted as the princess honed in on the sound of her breathing and the gentle lapping of the waves onto the shore. She felt a great sense of peace overtake her. "May I come back and visit you here?"_

_The voice chuckled warmly. "My dear girl, I don't live here. I am everywhere. I am the sea. I am the flowers. I am the stars shining in the night sky. I am your breath. I am your tears. I am your Mother and I will never leave you."_

There was a crease in her forehead as Bella focused intently on the story, trying to understand its meaning. Eventually she spoke.

"But the mother came back. Edward will never return to me."

"His name is Edward?" When Bella nodded, Nina exhaled. Now it would be less likely that she would unintentionally reveal that she already knew his name. She wondered if it was a sign of progress that Bella could finally speak his name aloud.

Nina gently suggested, "Perhaps Edward is all around you?"

Bella's hands slid across her stomach, crossing in front of her to rest at her sides, clutching tightly. "I try to avoid reminders of him." Her heart-rate increased. "They take my breath away."

"The pain won't always be so acute," Nina promised. "Was there a special place for you two? A place you've been avoiding?"

"Our meadow," she instantly responded.

"Your meadow?"

"Edward took me hiking there once." She blushed. "You can imagine that it was quite an adventure, a klutz like me attempting to hike. He was very patient with me."

"What was your meadow like?"

Bella sighed fondly, her eyes distant. "It had this yellow glow, a buttery sunshine lighting up all of the violet and white wildflowers. A babbling brook, soft grass, sparkling . . ." her voice faded off, and her cheeks blushed crimson.

"It sounds lovely. Why don't you go back there?"

She grimaced. "Charlie doesn't want me in the woods, because of those big bears."

"Oh, right. He didn't seem too worried about it earlier though."

Bella nodded. "True."

They sat quietly for a moment. Nina said, "Back to the folktale. You said that the mother came back? Well, she did not return in a physical form, but you're correct that the princess realized that her mother had been with her all the time, in some capacity."

"I'm not sure I understand."

Nina cleared her throat. "The 'mother' in this story represents our feminine energy and intuition, our passion, our feelings, our ability to care for ourselves. The nurturing power of femininity is always with us, if we are open to it. The thick forest, the babbling brook, your kindness, your intelligence, your tears, your smiles, your self-sufficiency . . . these represent the life force. Edward may have left, but you are still here, Bella."

She looked crestfallen. "What if I don't want to live without him?"

Edward reacted with horror.

Nina looked startled. "Earlier you compared Edward to Romeo, and now you're playing the role of Juliet? I thought you said you weren't suicidal."

"I'm not. I . . . it just hurts, Nina."

She nodded. "It hurts immensely right now. But Bella, you won't always hurt so much."

"When?" Bella whispered. "When will it stop hurting so bad?"

"When you eventually reconnect to the nurturing mother inside of you, learning how to nurture yourself. When you learn how to balance caring for yourself and for those you love. When you learn how to identify your feelings and needs, expressing them to those around you. When you learn that you are important and very lovable in your own right."

Bella attempted to absorb the psychologist's words, feeling bowled over by all that Nina had said.

After giving her client some time, Nina resumed, "The princess didn't have to risk her life . . . she didn't have to fling herself off a cliff . . . to become alive again. All she had to do was to become open to her own feelings, to become aware of the power within her that was always there no matter who came and went in her life. I know you can do that one day, Bella."

In a small voice, she asked, "I can?"

"That strength is already there, inside of you. I've seen it. I've witnessed it. If you could harness one-tenth of the love you show for others and start to turn that inward, then that would be a powerful moment for you."

Appearing fatigued, Bella nodded.

Outside the house, Edward nodded too.

There was so much to think about for them both.

Author Notes:

The folktale about the princess grieving her lost mother is paraphrased from Anita Johnson's book _Eating in the Light of the Moon_, another wonderful book about recovering from eating disorders.

Hmm, Edward is promising not to follow Bella when she engages in risky behavior, and Nina is encouraging her to return to the meadow. And do you know who will be waiting for Bella in the meadow? Eek!


	15. Wuthering Lows

I'm sorry for the delay with this chapter. I definitely haven't forgotten about this fic, but I've had an exciting event in my life stealing away my fan fiction time: I'm getting my first novel published! I've been working with the wonderful ladies at Omnific Publishing (www(dot)omnificpublishing(dot)com) to prepare the romantic suspense story _With Good Behavior_ for a June release date. I invite you to follow me on twitter (JenLanebooks) or facebook (Jennifer Lane, I'm the one dressed in a carrot costume *g*) to keep current on information about the book.

All of the usual copyrights apply.

15. Wuthering Lows

"Terror made me cruel."

~Emily Bronte, _Wuthering Heights_

Stepping around the side of the old white house, managing not to slip on spotty patches of ice, Bella made her way to her father's vehicle, wondering when he would emerge from his hike in the woods. Her mind was swimming with the counseling session she had just finished.

An image of Nina's folktale princess throwing a tantrum on the beach, crying for her lost mother, filled Bella's mind. She could picture the princess slowly lifting her cheek from the coarse, wet sand, listening to a soothing voice: _I am everywhere. I am the sea. I am the flowers. I am the stars shining in the night sky. I am your breath. I am your tears. I am your Mother and I will never leave you._

Bella frowned. She felt none of this supposed life force emanating from nature. She felt no wellspring of light coming from within. She felt only emptiness and longing.

From the back of the house, Edward watched as a dark expression clouded her exquisite features. He yearned to run to her, to reach up and skim his fingers across the lines of depression on her face, smoothing and caressing her warm alabaster skin. He ached to feel the supple softness of her scorching lips on his. He wished to scoop her into his arms, cradling her like a precious gift.

But he could do none of that. He had made his promise to her.

Instead, he only watched her from afar, the darkness on his face now mirroring hers. He expelled a long, tortured sigh.

Bella touched the door handle of the cruiser and then froze. A beguiling scent wafted up to her nostrils, floating toward her in wisps of enthralling sweetness. Her eyes darted all around her, searching for _him_. Nina's words scrambled in her brain: _Perhaps Edward is all around you?_

Edward crouched a bit lower, almost wishing that she could see him despite her imperfect human vision. Her eyes quickly drifted away from his position, however, failing to detect his presence, and he sighed again with regret. He watched the tense lines around her face relax as she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. The look of relief made her appear younger, more peaceful, more appealing to him.

Taking in gulps of his tantalizing scent, she noticed that she did not feel the familiar aching hole inside of her upon thinking about him. She only felt a reprieve, a sense of hope, like he was there with her, inside of her, protecting her and looking after her. Was this what Nina meant by becoming open to her feelings, to her own power? Could she begin to heal, even without him in her life? Could _Life Without Ed_ become a _Life With Meaning?_

Sensing her burgeoning strength, Bella wanted to hold onto this feeling as long as she could. She wanted to reconnect to those parts of herself she had lost when he had left. She was now even more determined to visit the location holding so much meaning for them both: the meadow. She wondered if the lush green meadow would continue to be such a special place for her — a place to reconnect to him, a place to reconnect to her.

Edward observed Charlie round the front of the house and stride toward the police cruiser, noticing his daughter standing perfectly still by the passenger door.

Charlie stopped short, surprised by the glimmer of light in Bella's eyes following the dreaded counseling session. "Uh, how did it go, Bells?"

"Good." She flashed him the first genuine smile he had seen in months. "How was your hike?"

"Okay."

Opening the passenger door, she asked, "No bears?"

"No bears," he grinned, also climbing into the cruiser. "I'm hungry as a bear, though. Let's see if the diner has steak on special tonight."

Edward wistfully watched them drive off, wondering what he should do next now that he no longer planned to stalk Bella. When Nina's voice floated from the house, he could not help but turn and listen.

"Sue? I'm, uh, I'm returning your call."

Edward noticed a tremor in Nina's voice, intriguing him. He moved closer in order to hear both sides of the phone conversation.

Sue Clearwater replied, "Oh, Nina, thanks for calling back. I'm not interrupting you at work, am I?"

"My next client just cancelled, no problem. What's on your mind? Your message said something about Seth?"

Sue paused. Her voice seemed almost as tense as Nina's. "I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while. How have you been doing?"

Nina squinted, wondering why her aunt was suddenly reaching out to her after acting distant for so long. "I'm good."

"And your mother? How's Wuti?"

"Oh you know Wuti. She's not taking care of herself very well."

Sue exhaled. "Must run in the family. I try to get Harry to eat healthy, but you know how stubborn your uncle is." There was silence for several moments and eventually Sue said, "Um, Nina? Seth has been acting strange lately. I, I'm not sure, but I was wondering . . . I was wondering if he might need some counseling?"

Nina arched her eyebrows. Most of the Quileutes did not trust white man's medicine, especially psychotherapy. Her career choice was yet one more thing that set her apart from the tribe. "You sound quite worried about Seth. What's going on with him?"

"He's . . . really irritable lately, snappy, really . . . withdrawn, I don't know."

"He's fifteen, right?" Nina smirked. "Sounds like a normal teenager to me."

"It's _not_ normal," Sue cut in. "I saw what Leah went through at this age — she was like a wounded mountain cat, very aggressive. But Seth has always been the sweetest boy. Something's wrong. I know it. A mother just knows these things."

Nina had trouble breathing, and Edward heard her heart-rate skyrocket. She agreed with Sue. She'd _known_ something was wrong with her son Adam before he had killed himself. She'd known, and she'd ignored it, chalking it up to normal adolescent angst. What Adam had done to himself had been anything but normal, though. Clearing her throat, Nina advised, "You should listen to your intuition then, Sue."

"I thought so!" Sue sounded relieved that Nina didn't think she was crazy. "When can you see Seth?'"

Nina blinked rapidly. "I . . . I'm honored you're asking, Sue, but I cannot see him. He's my cousin. I — I wouldn't be objective. I have names of some therapists in Port Angeles?"

"But I don't want to take him to see some stranger."

"I understand. It's scary going to see a therapist for the first time."

"Please, Nina? Just talk to him, see what's going on? He won't talk to me."

Nina's voice was laced with sadness. "I'd love to see him. I miss Seth and Leah . . . and you and Uncle Harry too. But Sue, I can't be Seth's therapist. It isn't right."

Silence again. "You know, after everything that's gone down between our families, it took a lot for me to call you, to beg you to help us." Sue's voice was tight. "But I see things haven't improved between us."

"But I _want_ them to—"

"Thank you. Goodbye."

Hearing the click, Nina sat staring at the phone, dumbfounded. What had just happened? Why were things always so difficult in her family . . . misunderstandings, mistakes, mixed up meanings? And why did she always let the family's mess get to her so much?

Perched outside the house, Edward wished he had Jasper with him. Nina definitely needed some emotional soothing at the moment. She seemed alone and broken, filled with loss and heartache. He knew the feeling well.

~~ * ~~

Still trying to figure out how she could have played that phone conversation with her aunt differently, a knock on the door made Nina jump. She wondered if her next client had reconsidered cancelling.

Opening the door revealed a young man looking extremely uncomfortable, like he had been vacillating for several moments about whether or not to knock.

"So you took me up on my invitation, Edward?"

His very serious expression relaxed when he saw her smiling at him. "Yes, ma'am. Can you see me now?"

She opened the door wider and gestured inside. "Luckily I had a cancellation. But in the future I'd prefer you to call first, so you wouldn't interrupt a session in progress."

"I apologize, Dr. Carlton. I didn't see any other cars in the parking lot, besides yours."

She felt slightly disconcerted that he knew the Subaru was hers, but such was life in a small town. "Please have a seat."

Naturally he gravitated toward the side of the sofa Bella had just been sitting on, and as he stiffly sat down, he closed his ochre eyes, sniffing deeply with a tortured look on his face.

Joining him in a lounge chair across from the sofa, Nina studied him carefully. She recalled Bella disclosing that Edward loved her scent, even though she didn't wear any perfume. Nina could not detect any particular scent to Bella, and wondered how Edward was so in tune with her pheromones.

"You, um, you seem to have an acute sense of smell."

His eyes snapped open and he gave her a worried look. Blocking his mindreading efforts was not the only characteristic Nina shared with Bella. The psychologist was also a keen observer, and he was careful to present the same sated eye color to her every time he saw her. Just like with Bella, he found himself fascinated by her mystery. What a relief that her entire life was not an open book, read through the pages of her thoughts. After unwittingly hearing far too detailed private information from those around him, it was such a pleasure for this human's personality to unfold more organically.

"I do have a good sense of smell, I guess." His shrug looked rather unnatural.

"I'm glad you decided to return," Nina said. "What made you come back?"

Edward sat up a bit. "I'm not exactly certain why I returned." He paused. "Perhaps I had to correct your misperceptions about me. You believe that I'm depressed. I assure you that I am not."

"Oh? And why do you think you aren't depressed?"

"Depression implies a deviation from one's normal euthymic state. I've always been this way." An ironic smile feathered his blood-red lips. "There's nothing deviant about it."

"I see you've been reading your father's medical textbooks again, memorizing mood disorder diagnoses. Perhaps you don't meet criteria for Major Depressive Disorder, but what is the definition of Dysthymic Disorder, Edward?"

"A low-grade depression lasting at least two years."

Nina smiled smugly. "Sound familiar?"

Edward shook his head. "No. Dysthymia once again is a deviation from the norm. This _is_ the norm for me."

"Surely you haven't always been so down on yourself? So intense? Surely you've been more carefree at some point in your life?"

His mother Elizabeth's bottle-green eyes smiling warmly down at him in the candlelight of the bedroom, leaning down to ruffle his hair as she tucked him into bed . . . "Perhaps a long time ago." He sounded forlorn.

"When you were a child?"

"Yes."

"That wasn't quite so long ago, now was it?"

_If you only knew._

Nina frowned when he didn't answer. "But nothing since then? No sunshine breaking through the clouds of depression?"

The thrill of holding her in his arms, gently swaying to the evocative notes of "Claire de Lune", a delicious blush creeping up her cheeks as she clasped onto him, trembling. "There was another time, you're right . . . when I was with Bella."

He looked utterly haunted when his mouth caressed the two syllables of her name.

Nina appeared puzzled. "You seem to miss her terribly. But you were the one to break up with her, correct?"

"Yes." His whisper was anguished.

"What made you break up with her?"

He intentionally tapped his fingertips on his thigh. "I already told you that day in the parking lot — I'm no good for her."

"And I didn't respond the way I wanted to then, but I'll tell you now: I think that reason is _ridiculous_. Why on earth do you think you're no good for her?"

He blinked rapidly. "I can't go into the details."

"Can't, or won't?"

If he had a heart, it would be pounding right now. The Volturi would not be pleased with him spilling their secrets to a human psychologist. Scooting forward on the sofa, he replied, "Perhaps it was a bad idea to return."

Before he got up to leave, she insisted, "No, it wasn't a bad idea. Forgive me. I'm pushing too much, and we barely know each other. Please stay."

He folded his hands together politely in his lap. "I'll try."

What was it about him that made her so testy and overbearing with this Edward Cullen? She sat back in her chair, watching him watching her. Nina definitely had a soft spot for Bella, and seeing her so shattered from the departure of her boyfriend had drawn out quite a sense of empathy in Nina. Listening to Bella describe her ex-boyfriend, Nina had developed a mental image of him as a cocky, careless, foolish boy — he'd _have_ to be to leave such a lovely girl — but the man before her was the antithesis of such an image. Edward seemed unfailingly polite and self-doubting, but what confused her most of all was that he appeared to be even more destroyed than Bella by the break-up, if that was possible.

Perhaps it was Nina's immense frustration making her respond to him so rudely. Both Bella and Edward were mired in low self-esteem, seemingly still in love despite being apart for almost five months, appearing to continue to need each other with a palpable ache. Despite all of this, Edward was refusing to reunite with Bella, and refusing to tell Nina why. It drove Nina crazy.

Adding to Nina's frustration was the fact that Edward was evidently lingering near Bella without her knowledge. If he had decided to leave her, then why was he still here? His creeping around in the shadows did not seem very honorable. Moreover, his presence during her risk-taking sprees had gone so far as to make Bella question if she was having hallucinations. Not only was Edward driving Nina crazy, but Bella as well. Nina's anger toward Edward for misleading Bella now returned.

Realizing that she was bound by confidentiality, Nina sat quietly for a few moments, trying to discern a method for calling out Edward on his deplorable behavior. She finally said, "Let's talk about Wuthering Heights."

Edward gave her a strange look. "What made you think about that all of a sudden?"

She shrugged nonchalantly. "A client told me it was one of her favorites, and I think the storyline might be relevant here." He quietly received her pointed look.

She continued. "I have to admit that I've never read the whole book, the whole horrid story," Edward suppressed a grin, "but I do believe that at one point in the story, Heathcliffe is mourning the loss of Catherine so deeply, so intensely, that he sees her spirit on the moors. He begins to believe that she is haunting him."

There was a crease between Edward's eyebrows, signaling his rapt attention.

"Heathcliffe thinks that he's actually seeing Catherine, although she has died, and he is extremely disturbed by these visions. He's having hallucinations . . . very frightening experiences. Seeing, or _hearing_, something that is not really there, well, that is the stuff of nightmares."

A look of guilt ghosted Edward's pale features.

"Catherine was not truly present when Heathcliffe imagined her on the moors — she had indeed died — but can you imagine if she had really been there? If Heathcliffe was indeed seeing her, but stuck on believing he had conjured her image? Can you imagine how awful that would be?"

Wincing, Edward slowly replied, "It would be intolerably cruel."

She felt certain that she had made her point clearly. "Yes, it would be very cruel."

He could hardly tell Nina that he had not been speaking out loud when he had warned Bella to stop putting her life at risk. His own telepathic powers were freakish enough, but for Bella to hear his silent warnings . . . it was unexplainable.

"I think . . ." Edward hesitatingly began, "I think that if Catherine truly loved Heathcliffe, that she would stay away for good . . . that she wouldn't continue to haunt him."

"I think you're right," Nina agreed, feeling relieved that he had understood her.

"If Catherine truly loved Heathcliffe," Edward continued, "then she would leave him forever. It would be as if she'd never existed."

Nina paused. "Possibly. Though as much as Catherine wouldn't want Heathcliffe to feel pain after she left, it would be impossible for her to simply erase her existence. She'd left an indelible mark on his heart."

Edward considered this response as Nina resumed, "Or, if Catherine loved him as dearly as she claimed to, maybe she would reveal herself to him, so they could resume their love."

Noticing that he was maintaining a frozen body position, Edward purposely crossed his legs. He continued to play along with the Wuthering Heights analogy, feeling grateful for the ruse allowing him to speak about the situation. "However, what if Catherine knew that returning to Heathcliffe would be harmful to him? What if she knew that her love for him would risk everything that he held dear?"

Nina squinted, attempting to understand his words.

Edward added, "What if Catherine coming back to Heathcliffe would somehow put his life in mortal danger? Would you still advocate for her to return to him?"

Dropping all the pretense, Nina sharply asked, "You would be putting Bella's life in danger by returning to her?"

He pressed his lips together, sitting completely still.

"Why would her life be in danger if she was with you?" Seeing Edward glance at the door, Nina backpedaled, "I don't want to push you too fast, but Edward, I must know this: are you planning on hurting Bella?"

He looked horrified. "God, no! I could _never_ hurt her. I'm trying to save her!"

"You're trying to save her? From what?"

Edward sighed. "There are some things I cannot tell you, Dr. Carlton. I'm not trying to be evasive, or make things harder for you, I just, I have my reasons. Will you accept that?"

Nina gazed at him somewhat suspiciously. It seemed like Bella was the same as Edward in this regard, refusing to share certain details of her life. The truth was that there were some things Nina couldn't tell Edward either, because such a disclosure would breach Bella's confidentiality. The psychologist and client were both speaking half-truths, dancing around each other in a polite yet frustrating waltz, and she did not know how to proceed. One thing she did know, however, was that they were speaking entirely too much about Bella. This was supposed to be Edward's session, but Bella seemed to be haunting them both.

She aimed a stern look at him. "The first time you came to therapy, you told me that you needed to speak to me, to alert me to the fact that Bella was putting her life in danger. You've accomplished that goal. The fact that you're here today makes me think that you're here for _you_, not Bella. Let's talk about you."

Edward squirmed. He now knew the reason he had come for counseling: to help himself. He knew he needed this, but it didn't mean he had to like it. With trepidation, he asked, "What would you like to know, Dr. Carlton?"

"How about you tell me about your father?"

"Carlisle? My foster father?"

Nina looked taken aback. "Dr. Cullen is your foster father?"

Edward looked down. "Yes, ma'am."

She gently leaned forward. "Let's start with your biological parents then."

Author's Notes:

This is a New Moon fic, but if you are growing weary of the E-B angst, I invite you to check out an AU-AH story I'm writing called _Swimming Against the Tide_. It is very different from this story, and Edward and Bella are together from the start.

I do want to assure you that even though Bella is learning how to live without Edward in _Mimiteh_, she _very much_ still desires to be with him (if he gets his head out of his arse and finally returns to her!)

Thanks for reading, Jen xx


	16. Half of My Dead Heart

16. Half of My (Dead) Heart

_I was born in the arms of imaginary friends  
Free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been  
Then you come crashing in, like the realest thing  
Trying my best to understand all that your love can bring_

_Half of My Heart_, John Mayer

Feeling supremely uncomfortable sitting in the therapist's office, Edward experienced a driving impulse to flee. However, thinking about Bella made him stay put. His abandonment had forced her into therapy, and the least he could do was to suffer the same fate as her, perhaps learning something about himself in the process. The least he could do was to try to be more worthy of her love, even though they could never be together.

"What do you want to know about my parents, Dr. Carlton?" Edward warily asked.

Nina shrugged. "What would you like to tell me about them?"

"They're dead."

Her eyes showed sympathy. "That must be very painful for you."

Edward reminded himself to swallow. "Yes."

"How old were you when they died?"

"It was . . ." he looked away. "It was some time ago."

Nina allowed a few moments to pass. "Do you want to talk about . . . how they died?"

He shook his head.

"Okay. Do you, um, want to talk about what kind of people they were?"

His topaz eyes glowed like a flickering candle. "My mother had green eyes." _Like me, once,_ he added silently. "She smelled of jasmine."

Nina observed his body language subtly shifting, a little less rigid, a little more slouched, more like a teenage boy and less like an adult banker.

"She was a pianist," he continued.

"Do you play piano too?"

Edward glanced at her, aware that she already knew the answer to this question since Bella had clearly informed her that he was a pianist. But because of confidentiality, she had to play dumb. And because of his mind-reading, he had to play dumb as well. "Yes, I do."

"Was your mother a concert pianist? Was that her career?"

He shook his head. "She didn't work outside the home."

"Oh, so your family was rather traditional, then?"

He allowed himself a small smile. "You could say that." Thinking for a few moments, he added, "She was certainly talented enough to be a concert pianist. She played beautifully."

Observing his hard features soften as he described his mother, Nina asked, "How did you feel when you were watching her play?"

"In awe," he quietly replied. "She could translate emotion through the piano so effectively, so powerfully. My mother never spoke to me of her longings, her regrets, her hopes, her delight . . . but those feelings clearly came through when she engaged in a piece of music. She had such a connection to her instrument . . ." his voice faded off and he quickly shook his head, as if attempting to shake off the pain of his loss. "I could never play as well as her."

Nina felt intense sadness listening to him. "The adoring way you describe music, Edward . . . I would like very much to see _you_ play one day. I sense that you're not giving yourself enough credit."

He looked down.

"You said your mother communicated her feelings through her music, but not her words? Why is that?"

Edward sighed. "My father always told her that she was too emotional, too hysterical. He didn't want her to weaken me."

Nina squinted, trying to understand.

He realized how grateful he was that he could not hear Nina's thoughts. It allowed him to focus on his own, for once. He experienced a sense of peace rarely experienced in this world.

"What did your father think, listening to your mother play the piano?"

"He was rarely present. He worked long hours."

"What was his career?"

"He worked in business."

Nina waited for a few seconds but it appeared that Edward was not going to elaborate on that answer.

"How well did your parents get along?"

Edward shrugged. "Fine, I guess."

"Did they argue?"

"Never."

Nina's eyebrows arched. "_Never?_"

Edward appeared confused. "Isn't that a good thing, to avoid arguments? Doesn't that indicate a healthy marriage?"

"Actually," Nina explained, "research shows that conflict is good for a marriage, as long as it's _resolved_ conflict. Obviously, unresolved conflict, where there's aggression, or hostility, can be detrimental to the marriage and the children, but it's actually helpful for children to observe their parents negotiate differences of opinion. It teaches the children how to resolve their own conflict in relationships."

Edward appeared pensive. No wonder he'd felt like his dead heart was about to cleave in two any time that Bella disagreed with him.

"Well, my parents did indeed disagree sometimes," he slowly said, attempting to recall his family life from one-hundred years ago, "but I suppose that my mother typically acquiesced to my father's wishes. He was the head of the household."

Nina hid a smirk. No wonder Edward had made a unilateral decision about their relationship, and simply expected Bella to get on board with it. "How did you feel about your mother following your father, even if she disagreed with him?"

He looked puzzled. "Fine, of course. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?"

She remained pokerfaced. "Is it?"

Now he very much wished that he could read her mind. Was she messing with him?

Nina changed the topic. "How long has your foster family lived in Forks?"

"A couple of years."

"I'm wondering why I've never heard of you? Forks High is a small place."

His smile was tight. "Perhaps because I'm a bit of a loner."

"You keep to yourself, huh?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"You haven't dated many girls before Bella?"

He looked pained. "Bella was my first." Looking down, he muttered, "And last."

"What was that?" Nina's black eyes bored into him. "I didn't hear you."

_Drat._ Had he said that out loud? "I said . . . and last."

Her eyebrows shot up. "You're _eighteen_, Edward. You don't think you'll find another girlfriend?"

"Nobody like Bella."

"What makes her so special to you?"

"If you have to ask that, then obviously you don't know her very well."

She gave him a pointed stare. "Oh, _I_ know how special Bella is, but I'm asking _you_. What do you see in her?"

His brooding expression lightened for a moment. "She's the most caring human, um, _person_, I've ever met." He glanced at Nina to see if she'd caught his slip-up but her face remained impassive. "Bella . . . she's like Mahler's Symphony number eight." He closed his eyes, swaying a bit to the imagined music. "She's fascinating, immensely complex — so many threads woven through her at once, simultaneously delicate and robust, melodious and discordant; a girl _and_ a woman."

Nina felt overcome by the passion of his words.

He continued, "Especially the ending of Mahler's symphony, how it starts off muted, gentle, then slowly builds, picking up momentum, climaxing to a powerful crescendo . . . Bella's like that, too. At first she appears soft and fragile, but as you peel off the layers, you discover that she's incredibly strong. She's undeniably brave. She'd sacrifice herself for somebody she loves without a blink of the eye."

Edward blinked purposefully a few times, raising his gold eyes to meet Nina's. "Bella's lovely. She's the most beautiful symphony ever written."

"You love her very much."

He looked distraught at the obvious statement. He loved her _so_ much. Feeling his upper lip tremble, Edward realized that if he could cry, he'd be doing so right now. His longing for Bella was a mournfully legato down bow on the violin. The up bow had yet to occur.

"So let me get this straight. You insisted on breaking up with Bella, even though she didn't want to lose you, even though _you_ didn't want to lose her either, apparently."

"It was best for her."

"You make the decisions for Bella, then? _You_ decide what's best?"

A longing for his human life, his human parents — his _soul _— slammed into him. "In this situation, yes. She has no idea what she'd lose if she'd stay with me."

"That sounds rather arrogant, Edward."

He worked hard not to bare his teeth. "You don't understand."

"You're right, I don't. I don't understand why two people who are so in love are so apart."

He looked away, his anger fading, replaced by desolation. The clocked ticked by, seconds bleeding into minutes.

Nina chewed on her lower lip. "Would it be okay if I read you a story?"

"A story?" He looked suspicious.

"Relax — it's not _Wuthering Heights_." They both shared a grin. "It's a folktale. I think it might shed some light on our current discussion."

He leaned forward slightly. "Alright, Dr. Carlton. You have intrigued me."

Nina picked up the book of folktales from the coffee table and began reading:

_There was once a young knight who committed the most heinous crime a man could commit against a woman._

Edward clenched his fists, thinking about Port Angeles.

_For this crime he was arrested and brought before the king to be sentenced. The king said, "This crime is so horrendous that it's only fair to let the woman you've wronged decide your sentence." He asked the young woman what she thought, and she replied, "He should be given a riddle to solve, and if he doesn't solve it within a year, he should be put to death."_

_The king asked, "And what is the riddle?"_

_She said, "The riddle is this. He is to answer the question 'What is it that a woman desires most?'"_

Edward's gaze was intense. Despite his 100 plus years on the planet, he would have no idea how to answer such a question. This knight was screwed.

_The king charged the young knight with the task of solving the riddle. If in one year's time the knight did not have the correct answer, he would be put to death._

_Leaving the courtyard, the knight breathed out with relief, pleased to have been let off so easily. All he had to do was to answer the silly question, and he would be free. _

Edward thought, _Pompous fool._

_The knight hadn't gone far when he encountered a beautiful young maiden. "Excuse me, miss, could you tell me what a woman desires most?"_

_She gave the handsome knight a coy glance. "A lover. A lover is what a woman desires most."_

_The young man thanked her and headed on his way when he spotted a middle-aged woman making slow progress down the road due to a babe in her arms and four small children tugging at her skirts. "Pardon me, ma'am, would you please tell me what a woman desires most?"_

"_Peace!" she exclaimed. "Peace is what a woman desires most."_

_Furrowing his brow, he thanked her and continued down the road._

_Some time later he came across an old lady hobbling with a cane. He approached her and politely asked, "Excuse me, ma'am, would you mind telling me what a woman desires most?"_

"_That's easy. Health is what a woman wants the most."_

_He thanked her, but as he headed on his way, he grew concerned. "I've asked three different women the answer to this riddle," he thought, "and I've gotten three different answers. This might not be as easy as I first believed."_

Edward considered how Esme, Rosalie, and Alice would respond to that question with most likely three different answers. He wondered how Bella would answer.

_The young man then proceeded to travel through many villages, towns, and rural areas, offering the riddle to each woman and writing down her unique response in a notebook. The days turned to weeks, the weeks into months . . . and it was not quite a year when the knight found himself sitting on a haystack with his head in his hands._

"_In one more day, an entire year will have passed," he sobbed. "I've asked thousands of women this question and I've received thousands of different answers. I'm no closer to solving the riddle than the day I first heard it. Tomorrow I'll be executed!"_

_Just then he heard a nearby voice. "Why are you crying?"_

_He looked up and noticed the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. Her nose was crooked, her eyes were little slits, her mouth formed a sneer, and her skin was pockmarked. _

"_I have to solve a riddle, or tomorrow I'll die. I have to find out what a woman wants most."_

"_I know the answer," she scoffed, "And I'll tell you if you marry me."_

_His eyes swept over the hideous creature with repulsion, but he shrugged. He was a dead man anyway. "Why not? I'll marry you."_

_The woman smiled. "The answer to the riddle is this. What a woman desires most is sovereignty, the right to create her own path in life."_

_The knight thought about this answer, comparing it to others he'd heard. "Yes!" he exclaimed. "That fits!"_

_He scurried off, headed to the town where he'd been sentenced one year ago. The next day he stood in front of the king and the woman he'd wronged. From his throne the king demanded, "What is the answer to the riddle?"_

"_Sovereignty, sire. A woman wants the right to create her own path in life."_

_The king turned to the woman. "Is that correct?"_

"_It is, sir."_

"_Well then," the king decreed, "You're a free man. Be on your way."_

_Filled with relief, the young man fled from the kingdom. True to his word, he returned to the woman who'd saved his life, and they married that very day. In their honeymoon suite, she turned her ugly face to him and said, "Kiss me, husband."_

_Hiding his shudder, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to her pockmarked cheek, surprisingly finding her skin to be smooth and soft. He opened his eyes, finding himself staring at a gorgeous woman. "Who are you?"_

"_I am your wife," she said. "I was under a spell but when you married me and kissed me, you broke the spell. Well, part of the spell, anyway. Now it needs to be decided if I'm beautiful by day and ugly at night, or beautiful by night and ugly by day."_

"_That's simple," the knight replied. "Beautiful by day and ugly by night."_

"_But that means every night when you come to lie with me, I'll be ugly."_

"_Oh," the young man said, looking thoughtful. "Then ugly by day and beautiful by night."_

"_That means whenever we go anywhere, people will shrink away from me in horror."_

"_That's not good either." He shook his head, puzzled. Thinking for a moment, he said, "You know, it doesn't seem right for me to make this decision. After all, it is you who has to live with the consequences."_

"_Oh!" exclaimed the beautiful woman. "You've just broken the second half of the spell! For what a woman desires most is sovereignty, the right to create her own path in her life. And, since it is my choice, I choose to be beautiful by day and beautiful by night!"_

After Nina finished telling the story, there were several moments of silence between them. She could tell the young man across from her was deep in thought.

Finally Edward offered, "Carlisle told me the same thing. This should be Bella's choice."

"Then I think Carlisle's a wise man, older than his years. How's his relationship with his wife?"

Edward thought back to the difficult process of Esme's change, many years ago. "They've been through hard times, but Carlisle and Esme are very much in love."

"I'm glad you have that solid foundation in your foster family, then."

He nodded.

"Sovereignty doesn't only apply to women, you know," Nina said. "You have a right to create your own path in life, too. But I sense that was taken away from you by your parents. No matter how stoic and hard you try to be, you are a sensitive, emotional young man, Edward. You cannot change that, nor would I want you to. Your sensitivity is a lovely quality that drew Bella to you. Our emotions do not make us weak. They make us strong. But they make us strong only if we listen to them, accept them, and act on them.

"You have a deep need inside for love and connection, especially after losing your parents. You've tried to deny that need — you've tried to live a solitary existence — but that need is still there, seeking fulfillment. I think you found that love with Bella, and it felt amazing. You could be yourself with her. You didn't have to put on an act."

Edward stared at her. Nina could never fathom the accuracy of her words.

"But Edward, as wonderful as Bella's love was for you, it scared you too. That deep ache you feel inside, it's so powerful that it feels like it will rip you in half, and it's terrifying to open up that wound, to expose yourself to life again. What if you surrender to Bella's love, and you lose her, just like you lost your parents?"

"I can't lose her," he choked out.

"Don't you understand?" Nina gently countered. "You don't have her now. You _left_ her. But you're still here. What does that say to you, Edward?"

He winced. "It tells me that I'm a selfish monster."

Nina looked hurt by his critical words. "Is that what your father would call you?"

"No." He could only imagine what his father would think of his immortal, soulless existence. "He'd tell me that I need to act more decisively. I've made my decision, so I should move on. He'd tell me to stop being so weak."

"Well I don't think you're weak. I think you're in love. That's an exquisite place to be, Edward. Don't run from it. Embrace it."

He was flooded by a memory in Nina's mind. She and her husband John were sitting on the San Diego beach, glued to each other's side, with their legs stretched out before them as a four year-old brown-skinned boy dumped piles of sand over their legs.

_The boy scampered over to fill his bucket with sand, and then came back, scowling at their exposed feet. His earnest brown eyes turned to them. "No wiggling your toes!"_

"_Yes, sir," John replied, and Nina could hear laughter in his voice._

_Adam plunked the cool, wet sand onto their feet, burying them deeper, and went to refill his bucket._

"_I guess you're stuck with me," Nina said, looking into his deep blue eyes._

"_No place I'd rather be." John leaned in to place a soft kiss on her lips, causing her skin to flush with a warm, satisfied glow._

Edward had to look away from the pained expression crossing her face as she felt the acute loss of her husband and son.

Eventually Edward said, "I'd love to return to Bella, but I cannot. You don't understand the risks."

She smiled sadly. "Life _is_ risk, Edward."

He returned her forceful gaze, sitting still as a stone on the sofa. Was leaving Bella a mistake? Did she deserve a say in the future of their relationship? Could his dead heart somehow beat with life once again?

_I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else  
I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself  
Lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came  
Showing me a better way, and all that my love can bring_

_Half of My Heart_, John Mayer

Author's Note:

I'd like to recommend _Dark Side of the Moon_ by Blondie, a take on _New Moon_ from Edward's POV. I think it's really well written. I'm only about 4 chapters in, but it is complete.

If you have a moment, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter. Thanks! Jen


	17. The Meadow Redux

I'm giving y'all a break from therapy and taking you into some action instead for this chapter.

Some of the dialogue and text was taken straight from Chapter 10, "The Meadow" of _New Moon_. Thank you to Stephenie Meyer for her genius. And thank YOU for reading!

17. The Meadow Redux

Bella scowled, staring at the metal compass in her hand. How the heck was she supposed to read this thing? She was grateful Jacob wasn't with her this time, on her second search for the elusive meadow. He'd probably be laughing at her, chiding her for her lame orienteering skills.

_Jacob._

Thinking his name made the corners of her eyes turn down with sadness. She'd finally hurt him so badly that he had to conjure up a fake mono diagnosis to avoid her, now refusing to have anything to do with her. She hadn't meant to use him for comfort, turning to his warm body after her cold lover had scorned her, but she knew she'd indeed exploited him. She'd been irrevocably cruel. She knew she deserved his imposed silence.

Without Jacob's sweet security enveloping her like a familiar wool blanket, the nightmares had returned, with Sam Uley earning a starring role in the recent melodramas. Sam's piercing black eyes, staring at her from the cover of darkness, scooping her into his arms, carrying her to Charlie . . . they still haunted her. And the musical accompaniment to her nightmares — ear-splitting screams — were back too, much to Charlie's chagrin. Bella hated letting her father down like that.

The gaping hole in her chest had also made a homecoming. Bella thought she'd made some progress on her depression, but evidently the improvement was short-lived. She'd probably be spilling her guts once again in Nina's office next week, unable to close the gaping wound. At least she could tell Nina that she followed the psychologist's advice by hunting for the meadow, trying to feel close to him — to find him, to find her.

Glancing at the vast expanse of forest on the worn map, she felt a twinge of guilt knowing how Charlie would feel about her sojourn into the treacherous woods. There was just no way she could stay in the house alone today, however. Hopefully she could somehow locate the meadow, cry her guts out from missing his sparkly presence in their special place, and then return home before Charlie was any wiser.

As the wet mud squished beneath her sneakers, Bella scanned all around her, feeling growing unease the deeper she moved into the trees.

Edward sat atop a butte, peering down at the sprawling forest and snaking river below. It was a cloudy day in the mountains surrounding Forks, but a dry one. Bella wouldn't mind being outside on a day like today.

Even though he'd promised himself to stop tracking her every move, he could not get her out of his mind. He was mentally stalking her now.

_What is it that a woman desires most?_

The words from Nina's childish fairytale looped over and over in his brain. What _did _Bella desire? She'd told him repeatedly that she wanted immortality — to live with him forever, before the wrinkles and cynicism of the human aging process overtook her — but did she fully grasp the losses such a choice entailed? How could she truly know what it was like to be a monster? To feel that insatiable burn threading through your veins . . . the pulsating flow of scorching carnal lust supplanting your bloodstream, satisfied only by the exquisite sinking of granite incisors into the smooth, delicious flesh of a gracefully arching neck . . .

He found himself trembling with unquenchable yearning, knowing that the feral, predatory glare from his widened black eyes would be simply terrifying to any human. Though there was nobody to witness his ferocity, he ducked his head, squeezing his ears with his elbows while his hands clasped the granite planes of the back of his neck. Locked in this position of shame, he rocked his body back and forth, full of self-hatred.

He would never allow his precious Bella to succumb to such sick cannibalistic desires.

Unsure of how long he remained in that position, he slowly uncoiled his torso upon feeling the vibration of his cell phone. Noticing the identity of the caller, he rubbed his chin thoughtfully, picturing Alice's tiny body hovering over an elk, draining the animal. _She_ seemed to somehow maintain her pixie-like grace when hunting, despite her bloodsucking status. Interesting.

Holding the phone to his ear, he could see Alice's vision of a funky jade-green dress, surrounded by racks of other high couture. Attempting to discern her location, he faltered at first. "You're in . . . Milan?"

Her voice was bubbly. "Of course! The Fairbanks mall doesn't quite cut it when it comes to fashionable clothing."

Edward chuckled softly. "Jasper must be in hell right now."

"Oh, I let him go to some gladiator school in Rome while I shopped, so he's fine."

His breath hitched when the next image in her mind flooded him. The mental picture was fuzzier than the dress he'd just seen, indicating that it was a fortune-telling vision, not yet reality. The soft edges of the vision made Bella appear even lovelier.

"She's going hiking, I think," Alice apprehensively explained. "I thought you'd want to know?"

"I'm trying not to bother her anymore," Edward said in a strained voice.

"But Jasper said something about big bears sited in the woods?"

Her reminder made him pause. "It's probably human hyperbole."

"I'm sorry for calling, Edward. It's just that I'm uncomfortable . . . I'm nervous. For some reason I can't see her anymore."

"You can't see her?"

"The vision faded out when she was driving her truck, but I think I saw a map and a compass on the seat next to her?"

Edward smiled forlornly. "She's going to try to find our meadow."

"Your meadow?" Alice paused. "Oh. The place where she found out what you are?"

He suppressed a low growl at the back of his throat. "It's rather difficult to sustain a private romance when your sister can see every detail in her visions."

"Try making love in the house when your brother can overhear every lustful thought."

"Oh." He paused. "Touché."

"Are you going to make sure she's okay?"

He sighed. "I've recently discovered that my hovering near Bella actually puts her more at risk. She's trying to endanger herself in order to hear my voice, evidently. I've been screaming at her to cease this idiocy."

"So then don't scream at her."

"I haven't opened my mouth, dear sister."

Alice squinted. "She can hear your thoughts?" The other end of the line was silent for a moment, and then she asked, "Can you hear her thoughts now, then?"

"No. Her brain is still a silent fortress."

"Strange. Oh, Jazz is calling. We'll talk later?"

"Yes."

"Miss you!"

"Miss you too." He ended the call, frowning as he gazed down to the forest below. Bella was down there somewhere. He hoped she'd be safe.

As she slowly made her way through the brush, her breaths became labored — not from the effort of hiking, but from the stupid hole in her chest. She thought about turning back, but wondered if the increasing ache meant that she was getting closer to their meadow.

Why exactly did Nina think this would help her? Something about tapping into her feminine energy, feeling him all around her, nurturing herself through the power of nature? What a bunch of New Age bunk. Bella hardly felt strong or whole. She was a broken, weak, aging, fragile human. She wasn't good enough for _him_. He didn't want her.

The soft padding of her footsteps on the fallen pine needles lulled her into numbness, and she realized that she'd covered maybe four miles already. Marveling at the fact that she hadn't fallen once, she crossed under a little arch created by two intertwining vine maples, and suddenly there she was. The meadow.

It had to be the same place — the same perfectly round clearing he'd found for them, with a babbling brook to one side and swaying grasses to the other. In the absence of the buttery sunlight, the clearing wasn't quite as stunning, but it still held a sense of serenity and beauty.

Only it wasn't the same. It didn't offer what she'd been craving. The wildflowers weren't the only important aspect missing in the scene.

He wasn't there.

Sinking to her knees, she felt overwhelmed by hopelessness. There was nothing lingering for her here. There was no magic, no discovery, no connection. The meadow was empty — empty of love, empty of everything, just like everything else. Just like her nightmares.

Nina had been dead wrong! Bella's vision whirled dizzily as she found herself curling into a ball, thankful at least that Jacob wasn't there to witness the carnage. At least Jacob wasn't there to watch in confusion as she bolted from this place she'd searched for so eagerly, wishing to get out of there as soon as she could drag her aggrieved body off the forest floor. At least she was alone.

With an unnatural stillness, a dark figure paused at the line of trees circling the meadow, staring curiously at the girl huddled onto herself.

He was still perched on the mountain.

Now that he'd decided to put an end to the creepy stalking, Edward wished it wasn't so dastardly difficult to keep himself away from her. Would the longing for Bella ever subside? He recalled his days in Alaska after he'd first met her, having made a rushed escape so that he could ponder what he should do: act selfishly and return to her, thereby risking her life and his family's secret, or act nobly and leave her for good. He'd wrestled with the decision for days. In the end, of course, he'd chosen the path of selfish vampire, due to the inexplicable force drawing him to her. Then, the ache for her had been painful. Now, it was torturous.

Why couldn't Nina see how wrong it would be for him to return to Bella? Why? Because Nina didn't know the whole story. The psychologist had no idea of the actual risks entailed from Bella being part of his world. But Bella knew. She knew what he was, yet she still wanted to be with him. Silly, idiotic girl.

And what was Nina trying to say about women deserving more of a voice in relationships? He'd been taught by his father to treat women — the fairer sex — with the respect and veneration that they deserved. How dare Nina question him on this issue? Females needed protection and guidance from their males . . . it was part of the natural order. If protecting them meant having to make the hard choices, well, then, he was up to the task.

His indignant line of reasoning sounded somewhat hollow, however, juxtaposed to the steadfast memory of Bella willingly marching to her death, preparing to be drained in a dance studio in order to save her mother's life. Had he been faced with the same dilemma as a seventeen year-old human, Edward severely doubted his ability to willingly step forward into a vampire's clutches like she had done.

Her bravery was excruciating.

He felt a sense of urgency coming through the vibration of his phone, leading him to answer more quickly than usual.

"Edward!" Alice's normally light tone was now shrill.

He sat up, eyes wide open, seeing flashes of Laurent running lightly through the woods. Forks woods.

"He's looking for Bella!" Alice shrieked, and Edward could see the Italian countryside zoom by from the windows of her sports car. "Victoria sent him!"

"When?" Edward growled into the phone, already halfway down the mountain in a dead sprint.

"I'm not sure," she cried. "We're on our way. I'll call Emm—"

The phone call was lost, but it didn't matter. If Bella died because of a malevolent force he'd brought into her cherished human life, _he'd_ be lost forever. Everything would be lost.

Puzzled by the girl's friendly greeting, Laurent peered at her incredulously. "Bella?"

"You remember." She smiled.

Sauntering over to her, he looked inordinately pleased. "I didn't expect you to be here . . . When I found the Cullen home empty, I thought they'd moved on."

"Oh." Bella bit her lip, suppressing the urge to wrap her arms around her torso, feeling the ragged edges of pain. She eventually managed, "They did move on."

"Hmm. I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a . . . pet of theirs?"

She smiled wryly. "I guess you could say that."

It was at that moment that Bella realized Laurent's eyes were a glowing scarlet . . . _not_ the eye color the good guys wore. She took a faltering step back.

Blood-red eyes trained on her every move. "Do they visit often?"

Edward reached the base of the butte and flew through bushes and branches like a furious cascade of water breaking free from a dam. Had Laurent found Bella? Was he aware that she was left alone? "Tell him we're still together," he panted, only a few miles away now from the meadow. "Lie!" he screamed inside his head.

Bella heard the last command, and despite the danger of her current situation, a gush of relief welcomed her. The beautiful velvet voice was back.

Forcing her voice to relax, she answered, "Now and again."

Edward could picture her translucent skin flushing with a soft red glow. She was a horrible liar—that exquisite blush gave her away every time.

"Hmm," Laurent said again. "The house smelled like it had been vacant for a while . . ."

"You must lie better than that, Bella," Edward's voice urged.

Bella rushed ahead. "I'll have to mention to Carlisle that you stopped by. But I probably shouldn't mention it to . . . Edward, I suppose — "

Laurent studied her curiously as her throat seemed to choke on his name, but she soldiered on, " — he has such a temper . . . well, I'm sure you remember. He's still touchy about the James thing."

"Is he really?" Laurent looked skeptical.

Edward made a low snarling noise, heard perfectly by Bella. He was only two miles away now, running with the wind.

Bella noticed Laurent taking subtle steps forward as they talked, bringing him closer to her. "Did Victoria ever find you?" she asked, desperate to distract him.

The question made him hesitate. "Yes. I actually came here as a favor to her." He scowled. "She won't be happy about this."

"About what?" Bella noticed that Laurent was glaring into the trees, but then he turned his devil eyes back on her.

"About me killing you," he answered in a seductive purr.

She couldn't breathe, and the frantic growling in her head made it hard to hear.

"She wanted to save that part for herself," Laurent reasoned. "She thought it more appropriate to kill you than Edward — fair turnabout, mate for mate. She asked me to get the lay of the land for her, so to speak. But I didn't imagine you would be so easy to get to. You must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected."

That was another blow, another rip through her chest.

Edward was only a mile away now, and he could begin to detect the scent of another vampire lingering in the trees. Laurent had been here. He felt a tremendous rage well up inside of him. "Threaten him," he ordered through clenched teeth, pushing his legs even faster.

Bella nodded obediently to the hallucination. "He'll, he'll know it was you."

"There's no reason for Edward to think of me, if he cares enough to investigate. This is nothing personal, let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst."

"Beg!" Edward pleaded.

"Please," Bella gasped.

Laurent sniffed the breeze blowing strands of her hair toward him, inhaling deeply. "Mouthwatering."

She instinctively cringed away from the vampire, waiting for his pounce, the sound of Edward's roar echoing in her brain. _Edward, I love you_ was all she could think.

For some reason Laurent hadn't launched himself onto her yet. Instead, he whipped his head to the left. "I don't believe it," he said in a low voice.

Bella followed his line of vision, seeing a massive black shape ease out of the trees, quiet as a soft wind, hulking toward the vampire. It was huge, as tall as a horse, but even more muscular. A hideous growl rippled from its chest.

Bella squinted at the creature. The bear? No, it wasn't a bear. Her heart pounded as it came closer, resting right near her.

Laurent was backing to the edge of the trees, his eyes glued on the enormous beasts — now there were three of them, one deep gray and one brown, joining the black one, looking sort of canine, almost like wolves. The three silently prowled the meadow, glaring at the vampire trying to slink away, which confused Bella. Why was Laurent scared of wolves? Granted, they were mutant wolves, behemoth in size, yet vampires never feared mere animals.

Before Bella knew it, two more wolves emerged into the meadow, and the rusty brown one was close enough for her to touch. She gasped, wondering if the vampire or the wolves would kill her first.

At the sound of her gasp, the reddish brown wolf turned its head, revealing deep-brown, almost black, intelligent eyes.

For some reason Bella thought of Jacob, again grateful that she had not dragged him here to die beside her in this light meadow filled with dark monsters.

Then another low growl from the leader made the russet wolf whip his head around, facing Laurent once again.

Bella could not believe that Laurent stared at the monsters with obvious fear. But she was even more stunned when he spun and disappeared into the trees, with the wolves springing into action, hot on his heels.

Edward arrived to the scene just in time to see Laurent bolt into the forest, pursued by large werewolves. He halted in his tracks. _Werewolves?_ Or were they shape-shifters? Where on earth had they come from?

Quickly returning to his mission, Edward's eyes searched frantically for Bella, desperate when he couldn't see her. Her scent was still here — her intoxicating smell pervaded the entire meadow — yet where was she?

Finally he saw her shakily rise from her knees, across the meadow, looking pale and unsteady. Still hidden in the trees, he took a step forward, ready to run to her, when a grisly snarl rumbled behind him. Edward slowly turned around. He was now getting up close and personal with the reddish brown one. The wolf bared his teeth, showcasing a line of dagger-like incisors.

Edward could feel hot air on his face from the wolf's panting, and the noxious odor of dog pervaded the atmosphere. Speculating that the wolf was doubling back to enjoy a tasty Bella-snack, Edward braced himself to fight, when suddenly he could hear the wolf's shouted thoughts.

_You left her, bloodsucker! Why are you back?_

Edward peered up into the animal's black eyes.

_You ruined her! You can't come back! You'll only hurt her again!_

"Jacob Black?" Edward whispered, horrified.

_You almost got her killed! You brought that bloodsucker right to her — _

Jacob abruptly stopped, whisking his head to one side, whinnying with pain. He seemed poised on a precipice, appearing to want to continue to holler at Edward, yet also seeming to be pulled away in the direction behind him by some unknown force. His enormous paws paced the ground, stuck in indecision, before he finally locked onto Edward's eyes, giving him an intense glare.

_Don't you DARE destroy her again by coming back into her life, got it, leech? We'll find you and kill you. Leave, now!_

With that threat, Jacob bounded off, his ropy muscles fluid and flexible with every gallop. Edward had seen many things in his long existence, but he never thought he'd encounter the Quileute shape-shifters again. Then again, he never thought he'd encounter a human whose thoughts were locked away, inaccessible to him.

Turning back to that human, he watched her from the protection of the tree cover as she glanced around her, seemingly in a daze. A cold breeze whipped through the meadow, drawing her elegant scent in his direction. He was imminently grateful for the accompanying burn.

Stumbling backward, Bella turned and ran headlong into the trees.

Soundlessly, Edward followed her. He was surprised that she eventually found the right direction back to the highway, trembling and disoriented as she was. She kept staring at the rusted compass in her hand, frowning at the fading daylight, worriedly scanning the woods for a reprieve. She made him want to swoop in and throw her on his back, running her to safety, smothering her with kisses, if she'd let him.

But he didn't dare show his presence. Jacob's haunting words kept repeating in his head.

_You almost got her killed. You brought that bloodsucker right to her . . ._

Edward knew Jacob was right. It seemed that he could stay or he could go, but no matter what he did, he kept endangering his love. At least he'd keep her safe tonight. He would follow her all the way home, and then he'd stay outside her window, resuming his familiar stalking position.

There he would ponder how to keep her safe from yet even more threats: Victoria and Laurent, and a pack of wild shape-shifters. Vampires were no problem. His own kind he could handle, now that he knew he couldn't leave Bella alone. But unstable werewolves were another matter. Knowing Bella, she would be drawn to them somehow.

He marveled at her ability to bring danger to herself. It was like nothing he'd ever seen.

Author Notes

Uh-oh, Jacob knows that Edward is back. How do you think he should handle that information?

Only 3 weeks until my first novel, _With Good Behavior_, is released on 6-22-10 by Omnific Publishing. Check out updates on my blog, www(dot)jenniferlanebooks(dot)blogspot(dot)com


	18. Heal Over

Wow, it's been 5 weeks since I updated. This long delay is highly unusual for me, but I've had some good things happening in real life - my sister's wedding, a job interview, and preparing for the publication of my first novel _With Good Behavior_ on 7-13-10 (www(dot)omnificpublishing(dot)com). I'm pleased with the book cover Omnific designed - you can see it on their site now!

Do you still remember _Mimiteh_? ;-) To recap the story, both Bella and Edward are in therapy with Nina, but it's tough to get through their thick skulls (especially since Edward's is made of stone). We just finished the meadow scene of New Moon, where Jacob and his wolfish buddies saved Bella from Laurent, right before Edward showed up. Jacob gave Edward a piece of his mind, warning him that he should leave, so naturally Edward decided to stay. Horrified that Laurent almost killed Bella, Edward vowed to keep her safe.

Thank you to reviewer Cécile, who provided her own recap in a rant to Edward:

_Tsk,Tsk,Tsk, Edward, Edward... *sigh* so now you found a new excuse for stalking Bella!  
You miss her but you get to see her, to know she's still craving for you to be with her! She is alone in the dark, surrounded by mythical monsters, and yet, she's strong enough to keep putting on the charade of 'normal life' for her father's sake.  
Don't you see she's stronger than you think?  
Don't you see you act selfishly?  
Didn't you learn anything from your therapy session?  
Tsk,Tsk,Tsk seems like Nina has her work cut for her!_

Thank you to Ms. Meyer for her characters.

18. Heal Over

_And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself  
That these feelings are in the past  
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf  
Because pain's built to last_

"Heal Over", KT Tunstall

Edward cranked up the volume of his mp3 player, trying to drown out all sounds - particularly human voices and thoughts - emanating from the old white house. His other senses were on vampiric alert: calculating eye saccades searching the misty clearing around Dr. Carlton's place of business, wary for any flash of curly orange hair or rough russet fur amidst the soft drizzle; stone feet flat on the ground, ready to detect any shimmying vibration of movement in the earth; nostrils flaring, prepared to catch any predatory odor.

The only scent wafting toward him, however, was her fragrant bouquet.

Though he was trying to respect Bella's privacy for this counseling session, he was _not_ going to leave her unprotected. From the cover of forest, he looked across the field at the stalwart house, glimpsing a stream of rainwater dripping from the corner gutter. He wondered when the session would start.

Nina stepped out of her office and was surprised to find both Swans sitting in the waiting room. Charlie quickly rose to his feet, his rich brown eyes entreating. "S'okay if I talk to you first, Nina?"

She hesitated, glancing at the willowy girl still sitting, clenching her hands. Though they were the same shade of brown, Bella's eyes looked duller, flatter against the hollowed out circles beneath them, making Nina frown with concern. "Is that alright with you, Bella?"

"Sure, sure," she listlessly replied, cringing when she found herself using Jacob's typical response.

"You don't want to come in with us while I talk to your father?"

"That's okay." Bella smiled wanly. "He can talk to you on his own." Knowing that Laurent and Victoria were after her, the less time she spent by Charlie's side, the better. Maybe when Victoria arrived, she'd be content to feast only on Bella, and not take Charlie as well (or Nina for that matter).

After they were seated in her office, Nina asked, "So, what would you like to discuss?"

Charlie settled into his police-officer-interrogation look. "I want to ask you about Jacob Black."

"Okay?" She seemed to brace herself. "Um, Charlie, I should probably let you know first that I'm going to share our conversation with Bella. This isn't private between us."

He appeared confused, and she added, "Bella's my client, not you."

Considering this explanation for a moment, Charlie nodded. "That's fair, I guess. Bells knows most of what I'm gonna say, anyway. We've been going over the Jacob situation for some time now."

"I'm not sure how much help I can be in answering your questions about Jacob, but I'll try my best."

"So you can tell Bella what I say, but not vice versa?"

Her brown skin flushed. "It's not that. It's just that I'm not sure I'll know the answers to your questions. The Blacks . . . they don't get along so well with my family."

Charlie instantly felt like an idiot. How could he have forgotten that Nina's father was responsible for Billy being in a wheelchair? Stupid, reckless motorcycles . . . he better never catch Bella riding one of those death traps. "I'm sorry," he stuttered.

Thinking he was apologizing for bringing up a taboo subject, Nina was surprised when he added, "I'm sorry for your loss. You must miss your dad."

Wounded obsidian eyes blinked at him. "He was a hard man," she said eventually. "He . . . well, we didn't have the best father-daughter relationship."

Charlie nodded sadly. "I guess that's why I'm here. I, I don't want Bella saying that about _me_ one day."

"She won't. Do you know how much she loves you, Charlie? So much. You bringing her here, trying to help her . . . though she won't admit it, I think it means a lot to her."

The rough lines on his face softened, and he sighed. "That's the thing, Neen. I don't know how to help her. First that Cullen boy leaves her, and the only way she keeps going is because of Jake, and because of you. The counseling's really helped her. But now Jacob won't have anything to do with her, and I'm seeing it happen all over again - that zombie look, the nightmares . . . it's pretty bad."

"Jacob was Bella's friend?" When Charlie nodded, Nina asked, "Was he her boyfriend?"

He shook his head. "Don't think so. But they were real tight - I was so relieved that she was coming out of her shell - and now he won't return any of her phone calls."

"That sounds odd. Do you know why?"

"Billy won't tell me, but I suspect it's something to do with the friend/boyfriend thing you just asked about. Jacob wants to be more than a friend, I think, but Bella doesn't see it that way . . . or maybe she's too broken to see it that way . . ." He looked anguished. "That damn Edward Cullen. If I could get my hands around his neck, I'd, I'd . . ."

Apparently both Bella and her father were unaware of the reappearance of "Anthony Masen" in Forks. Nina studied him sympathetically. "What did you want to ask me about Jacob?"

Charlie rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. "How trustworthy is he?"

Nina's forehead creased. "Trustworthy? I . . . I'm not sure. He was a really cute kid, big smiles, very friendly . . ." her voice drifted off, remembering her son Adam playing with Jacob on the beach, both toddling around in sand-covered diapers, the pale sun glinting off their brown skin . . .

"And Sam?" Charlie interrupted. "Sam Uley? What do you know about him?"

"I believe the elders of the tribe hold Sam in high esteem, according to my mother. But why all these questions, Charlie? You probably know the answers better than me. You're friends with Billy and Uncle Harry, right?"

"Geez," he cracked a wry grin. "Sometimes I forget Harry Clearwater's your uncle. You sure make me feel old, Nina."

As she met his gaze, her smile slowly faded. "You're not old at all. You were very spry and strong that night . . ." she swallowed hard, a look of fear shadowing her face, "that night you saved me."

He squirmed a bit on the sofa, looking younger than his age and reminding Nina of his daughter. "Uh, just about anyone would've done what I did."

"Well, 'just about anyone' wasn't there that night." She gazed at him fondly. "_You_ were there. Thank you."

The squirming continued. "That guy was way out of control, he was so drunk . . ." He narrowed his eyes. "What alcohol and drugs can do to people . . ." Shifting on the sofa, his jaw hardened. "Speaking of which, I've got a theory about what's going on with those Quileute boys, and I wanted to run it by you."

Nina nodded, seeming to gather herself after strolling through painful memories. She looked intrigued.

"Don't laugh," Charlie pleaded.

"Why would I laugh?"

"I think, I think those boys have gotten into steroids." He carefully scanned Nina's face, but finding no hint of amusement, continued, "I just got a crime report from D.C. about steroids - they're at an all-time high with teenagers, and it got me thinking. Billy says Jake's been sick, with mono, but I think that's crap. Have you seen how big that boy's gotten?"

"I did see him pumping gas last month," Nina answered. "He's shot up like a pine tree."

"Exactly! And have you seen the size of his arms? Ain't no way that's natural."

Nina frowned. "And Sam? You think Sam's involved in this too?"

"Sam's the damn ringleader, far as I can tell. Bella told me that Sam's got a little cult, and one by one the Quileute boys are joining it."

Recalling Sue's frantic phone call, worried about Seth's behavioral changes, Nina slowly nodded, putting the pieces together. "Steroids can cause excessive irritability, rage even."

"That's my worry." Charlie looked grim. "I don't want Bella around any of it, if it's true."

"Are you sure about this? Aunt Sue used to have Sam Uley babysit Leah and Seth, and she'd always say what a responsible young man Sam was. I can't see him getting into illegal drugs."

"No, I'm not sure, but you can bet I'm gonna investigate. In the meantime, doesn't look like Jacob wants anything to do with Bella, so at least she'll be far away from all that if it is going on." He switched gears. "Listen, Nina, I've taken up enough of your time. I'll get going so that Bells can have her time with you. She really needs it. Please help her."

As he rose from the sofa, she stood too. "I'll try, Charlie. Thanks for giving me that information. I'll keep my ears open about the steroids, okay?"

"Good." He fidgeted, nervously flapping his police uniform jacket, looking uncertain about the proper way to say goodbye to her. A vision flashed in his mind of her helplessly splayed across the hood of a car, crying out with fear and pain . . .

Nina reached out her hand, and Charlie took it gratefully, pumping the handshake with an anxious energy. "I'll go, then." Taking a glance around her office, he stepped out the door.

She heard him say, "She's ready for you. I'll, uh, I'll wait in the car."

Nina waited a beat before Bella cautiously peeked her head into the office.

"Come on in," Nina warmly said.

Bella managed to make it over to the sofa without tripping, and she collapsed onto the cushions. Instinctively she clutched her ribcage, feeling a deep loneliness burning a hole inside of her.

~~ Section Break ~~

The melodious strains of Bach filled Edward's ears, thankfully mesmerizing him enough to block out the departing words between Charlie and Nina inside the house. The classical music selections on his iPod seemed to work better at distracting him than the modern songs. Any classical tune seemed familiar and comforting, as long as he steered clear of "Clair de Lune". That particular piano piece would immediately bring him back to driving with Bella for the first time, her scorching hand grazing his as they both went for the console. He'd darted his hand back into his lap while she'd darted those inquisitive eyes in his direction, seeking an explanation for his unnaturally cold skin.

He should've never taken that car ride with her, when she'd begun to piece together what he was. He should've never returned to Forks, letting himself seep into her life like a proliferating bloodstain. Now her precious life was in grave danger, all because of his selfishness.

Though allowing him to drift off in thought, the music did not drown out the soft gallop thumping the earth beneath him. Edward perked up his head, slowly peeling off the earphones, causing some conversation to drift across the field to the forest that concealed his presence. Apparently Bella had replaced Charlie on the therapy couch.

"Your father's worried about you, Bella. The nightmares have returned?"

"Yes," Bella whispered.

Edward's grimace changed to a look of wariness once the vibration of pounding paws increased, leading him to adopt a hunter's crouch. The smell of wet dog hit him first followed by the sight of a hulking wolf sliding out from behind a tree, about fifty yards away.

The brick-red fir looked browner when it was wet, and the wolf's ears were pressed back in a fighting stance. His black eyes glared at Edward as he stealthily crept forward, still well-hidden from the house.

Sensing the heat of several more pairs of beady black eyes in the trees, Edward fought his natural instincts to come out of his crouch, trying to appear calm. Given what these creatures had done to Laurent, he didn't want to portray a position of aggression before first finding out what they wanted. But he _did_ want them to know he wouldn't be an easy kill.

"Hello, Jacob." His voice was pleasant, easy.

Jacob turned his snout to one side, seeking out the tall black wolf that stood apart from the others, watching every movement with a sense of regal detachment. Jacob silently told Sam, _See, I told you he knows me! How does he know who I am?_

"Because I can read your mind, Jacob" Edward replied simply.

Jacob instantly shrunk back, and Sam let out a rumbling growl which was echoed by the other two wolves in attendance.

Collecting himself, Jacob sneered, _I knew it! I knew you could hear me, back in that forest. But you obviously didn't listen to my warning to leave Forks, bloodsucker._

"You think I would ever leave Bella while she's in such danger?"

_You did before._

A veil of pain shrouded his beautiful face. "A mistake I won't make again."

_That's why __**we're**__ here! To protect her from danger. We don't need you, or your, your leech-mobile . . . or your bloodsucking buddies. You don't _protect _her! You make it worse for her! Can't you see what you've done to Bella?_

Edward turned his head, and his swallow of venom accentuated his sharp jawline. Then he looked down, mumbling, "I know precisely what I've done to her. I've destroyed her."

Jacob squinted, trying to make sense of the sudden show of vulnerability by the vampire. If he timed it right, maybe he could reach him and rip off an arm or leg before Edward could defend himself . . .

"Don't do it," Edward warned, snapping up his head. "I won't go down without a fight, and it would kill Bella if you get injured. There's the treaty to consider as well."

_You're lucky you're not on our lands right now,_ Jacob huffed. His hot breath was almost visible, a steamy vapor in the misty rain. _What the hell you doing out here anyway, __**stalker**__? Why don't you show your face to Bella?_

Edward closed his eyes, making Jacob itch to pounce on the defenseless vampire. His voice was soft and troubled. "I made a promise to her . . . a promise to leave her forever."

Jacob snorted a wolfish laugh. _You're doing a bang-up job of keeping your promises then, hotshot._

"She was trying to hurt herself! I had to come back. _You're_ the one who let her ride a motorcycle without a helmet, you foolhardy child."

The fur on Jacob's back bristled with umbrage.

"Stay away from her," Edward continued, gazing intently at the russet wolf. "As an immature shape-shifter, you could too easily lose control and hurt her."

Jacob let out a high-pitched whine. _Please let me kill him! _But his huge paws seemed locked in place, like his mind was battling with his body.

_Sit,_ Sam ordered in a deep voice, and Jacob was soon on his rump, looking cowed. Paul and Embry also found themselves sitting on the wet forest undergrowth before they'd even registered hearing Sam's command.

Ever watchful, Sam slowly approached, coming to rest at a respectful distance from the cold one. Edward looked up at him, disarming him with a soft "Thank you."

_For what?_ Sam asked.

"For killing Laurent."

Sam titled his massive black head to one side. _You're not upset we killed one of your kind?_

"I only wish I could have done the honors. He would have murdered Bella, and you stopped him. Thank you."

_We won't hesitate to do it again. If a cold one tries to hurt a human, we'll kill it, no questions asked._

Edward read the sincerity in the alpha's deep-black eyes, and nodded. "Understood."

_What about killing a human's soul?_ Jacob cried. _He admitted it himself - he's destroyed her! Bella will never be the same!_

Sam listened to his beta's indignant rant, and turned back to Edward. _Your family has left. You said you would leave too, and yet you're back. What exactly are your intentions here?_

The look of anguish had returned. "Once I determine that Bella is safe, I will leave, this time forever."

Sam stood still, contemplating his words, ignoring the lethal low growl emanating from the russet wolf to his left. _We still expect you to hold to the treaty while you're here. We expect you to stay off our lands._

"Of course." Edward blinked his ochre eyes. "And may I ask one favor in return?"

_You don't get to ask us a __**favor**__! You get nothing, you cocky bloodsuck - _

Sam interrupted Jacob's vitriolic diatribe. _What is it?_

"Please, I implore you. Don't inform Bella that I'm back in Forks. It would devastate her, and she's already so fragile."

Sam stood quietly, pondering for a few moments, appearing wary to concede anything to a cold one. Finally he answered _I'll think about it._

"That's all I can ask. Thank you, gentlemen."

Edward braced himself but it appeared that the alpha was satisfied with their exchange, nodding his head somberly.

Sam turned away and met the gazes of three wolves, who had no choice but to follow him back into the forest. Edward was waiting for some parting words from Jacob and he wasn't disappointed.

_You're the worst thing that's ever happened to a sweet girl like Bella._

As Jacob bounded off, following his leader, Edward hung his head. Replacing his earphones, he knew that Jacob was dead right.

~~ Section Break ~~

Nina studied the girl clutching her sides. "Do you want to tell me about the nightmares?"

Bella stayed quiet for almost a minute. "I miss my Jacob."

"_Your_ Jacob?"

"You know - the goofy, smiling, awkward Jacob. Now I dream about this graceful, bitter version of him . . . he's not the same."

"Charlie said that Jacob's grown a lot bigger, but you're seeing some personality changes too?"

"I don't know." Bella frowned. "Maybe he's got a right to be bitter. Maybe he's gotten sick of me mistreating him."

Nina asked, "How did you mistreat him?"

"I didn't mean to. I just needed a friend . . . and I leaned on him, and he made the hole in my chest not hurt so much . . . but I think at some point friendship stopped being good enough for him . . . I _wanted_ to feel that way for him, I really did." She blinked back tears. "Maybe Jacob's better off with Sam, not me."

"I'm not so sure. What's this about Sam and a cult?"

"Jacob really seemed scared about losing his friends to Sam. He used to hang out with Paul and Embry all the time, but then it abruptly changed." She gazed out into the distance. "I remember when we saw them cliff-diving. They had their shirts off, and they looked exactly the same, like an army or something." Sadness crossed her face. "Jake said he'd take me cliff-diving one day. I guess that's another thing that won't happen now."

Nina appeared intrigued. "You want to go _cliff-diving_?"

Bella shrugged, answering in a monotone voice, "It sounds kind of fun."

The words did not match the body language, intriguing Nina further. "Oh." She nodded. "You think it would make you hear Edward's voice."

The teenager's face scrunched up with sarcasm. "What's the point of life without a hallucination or two?"

"I don't believe you're hallucinating, Bella."

"You don't? What is it, then?"

Nina paused, wondering how to answer without letting on that she knew Edward was right there, speaking to Bella when she was putting herself in danger. "Well, sometimes we want somebody back in our lives so badly that we might see them or hear them. It's a normal part of grief, loss."

"Great, maybe I'll start hallucinating Jake's voice then too."

"You seem tremendously sad that Jacob hasn't returned your calls."

Bella nodded mournfully.

"Sounds like you're a little angry too."

Bella looked up. "_I'm_ the one who's led him on - how could I be angry?"

"We women have trouble acknowledging and expressing anger," Nina responded. "Anger's a healthy, human emotion, yet if women display anger they're called the 'b' word. It's okay to be angry, Bella. It's okay to be angry at a boy for not returning your calls, or for . . . _leaving_."

"Are you saying I'm supposed to be angry at Edward?"

Nina shrugged. "I'm not saying you're _supposed_ to feel anything. I'm saying that you might benefit from listening to what you're actually feeling, and not judge it. Your feelings are important, Bella."

"This is giving me a headache," Bella muttered.

"But better than a heartache, right?" Nina smiled faintly.

"Marginally." She sighed, looking out the window. "I better go. Charlie's worried about me."

"And how are _you_ feeling?"

Bella weighed her question. "Tired. I just want things to end. I want to get my Jake back." _And most of all, I want my Edward back._ She hugged her torso again, trying to hold in all the feelings that were threatening to spill out.

"Maybe he'll come around," Nina said hopefully as they both stood.

"Humph" was Bella's reply.

Nina held open the door for her. "Stay away from cliffs, Bella."

"Sure, sure."

_Come over here lady  
Let me wipe your tears away  
Come a little nearer baby_

'_Cause you'll heal over_

_Heal over_

_Heal over someday _

"Heal Over", KT Tunstall

Author's Note:

If you have time to leave a review, I'd love to hear from you! I'll try to be quicker in my next update—I'm eager to show you what I've planned. *rubs hands together excitedly*


	19. ShapeShifters

**Thank you to Stephenie Meyer for her wonderful dialogue from **_**New Moon**_** sprinkled throughout this chapter.**

**And thank YOU for reading!**

19. Shape-Shifters

"_It hurts to think about them," I whispered. "It's like I can't breathe . . . like I'm breaking into pieces."_

"_We're a pretty messed up pair, aren't we?" Jacob said. "Neither one of us can hold our shape together right."_

~Stephenie Meyer, _New Moon _p. 349

Edward slammed his fist into the helpless tree trunk, watching the massive pine groan and shudder from the impact. Somehow the tree was able to remain standing next to its brethren in the dense forest, but Edward didn't feel so stalwart himself at the moment, listening to the chug-chug-chug of the ancient Chevy engine fading off in the distance as he watched Bella's truck disappear into forbidden territory.

"Where you go I cannot follow," he muttered despairingly, spinning around and resting his back against the misshapen tree he'd just assaulted. He couldn't believe he had to obey some absurd treaty, right at the moment when Bella's life was in danger. Check that - there wasn't anything unusual about this moment. Bella's life was _always_ in danger.

_Especially when __**I'm**__ around_, he thought despondently.

He didn't have to read Bella's mind to know where she was headed: right to Jacob Black. His fists clenched just thinking about her being anywhere near that newborn shape-shifter. Edward's mind whirred with worries and plans. Maybe he could escape detection if he crossed the line, watching over Bella to make sure she'd be safe . . .

_No_, he chastised himself. Bella would probably be in even more jeopardy if he provoked the wolves, and breaking the treaty would undoubtedly represent such provocation.

"Quiet now, Bella. Don't push him," he softly pleaded, nobody listening but the trees.

~~ Section Break ~~

"Don't push him," Edward's silky voice reverberated in Bella's ears, at first surprising her and then triggering a feeling of warmth washing over her like rays of buttery sunlight floating through the leaves of their meadow.

She'd come to La Push to discover why the heck Jacob had been avoiding her, and she'd been met by striking physical changes in her friend. Greeting her was a boy's temper in a man's body, his glossy long black hair chopped off into a short buzz-cut, his impossibly broad shoulders towering over her menacingly. They'd been arguing back and forth for several minutes now, and she wasn't any closer to finding out why he'd been distancing himself. She wasn't any closer to her friend - she was only closer to tears.

Watching Jacob fuming before her, Bella felt puzzled by the sudden sound of Edward filling her head. Typically she'd only hear his beautiful hallucinatory voice when she was risking her health in some way, but talking to Jacob wasn't dangerous, was it? Granted, he was thickly muscled and practically snorting like a bull, but he was still Jacob.

"Jacob, please." She glanced around her at the fringe of trees, feeling the mud squish beneath her feet, hoping Sam and his ilk couldn't see them from Jacob's house. "Won't you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help."

His voice broke. "No one can help me now."

A few gathering tears now escaped the corners of her eyes, and Bella swiped at them with the back of her hand. "What did Sam do to you?"

"Stop blaming Sam!" The words tumbled out like a reflex.

Bella was taken aback. "Then who _should_ I blame?"

"You don't want to hear that."

"The hell I don't!" she snapped. "I want to know, and I want to know _now_."

His jaw jutted out defiantly. "You're wrong."

"Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong - I'm not the one who got brainwashed! Tell me now whose fault this all is, if it's not your precious Sam!"

"You asked for it," Jacob growled, eyes glinting hard. "If you want to blame someone, why don't you point your finger at those filthy, _reeking_ bloodsuckers that you love so much?"

Bella's mouth fell open, feeling as if she'd just been stabbed by his hateful words. Frozen in pain, she stared at him for several moments, fighting the jagged edges of the hole ripping her inside out. Finally she managed, "I don't understand who you mean."

"The _Cullens_," he enunciated slowly, scrutinizing her face with a critical look. "I can see what it does to you when I say their name."

Bella shrunk back, letting hands that had unconsciously snaked their way around her torso to drop at her side. How did Jacob know about her perfect vampire? And how did it have anything to do with Sam's cult? Were they a gang of vampire haters? What was the point of such a gang when no vampires lived in Forks anymore? Why would Jacob start believing the myths about the Cullens now, when the evidence of them was long gone, never to return?

She swallowed. "I don't see why you're blaming the . . . Cullens" - she winced - "for what Sam's doing now. They left more than half a year ago."

"Sam isn't _doing_ anything, Bella." Jacob's glowing black eyes tapered into slits, and he seemed to be locked in a moment of indecision. "So . . . you're convinced the bloodsuckers are gone, huh?"

"Of course they're gone! They, they left! Don't you know _anything_?"

"Don't push him," Edward advised once more in her head.

A mounting tremor began to rise in the massive Quileute, and Bella took a step back, watching him quiver with rage and hurt.

"Give him a chance to calm down," Edward's voice insisted.

Bella shook her head in confusion. "You're being ridiculous," she told them both.

"Fine," Jacob spat. "I won't argue with you. It doesn't matter anyway, the damage is done."

"_What damage?"_

He didn't flinch as she shouted the words in his face.

"Let's head back. There's nothing more to say."

She gaped. "There's everything more to say! You haven't said anything yet! You haven't even told me if we can still be friends?" She ended on a questioning note, hating how needy she sounded.

He halted his march back to his house, slowly swiveling around to face her with a slow shake of his head. "I'm sorry, Bella." His cold voice didn't even seem like his, and it flooded her senses like an icy mountain stream.

"You're . . . sorry? We, we can't be friends anymore?" Her face fell. "Jacob . . . why? Won't Sam let you have friends? Please, Jake. You promised. I need you!" Loneliness choked in her throat.

When he stood there, frozen, looking miserable, she whispered, "I'm sorry that I couldn't . . . before . . . I wish I could change how I feel about you, Jacob."

His mouth formed a sneer. "But you're too hung up on _him_, right?"

"I, I . . ."

"He's destroyed you for good! He loved you and then, then, just threw you away - I'd _never_ do that to you. But who cares? You'll never feel that way for me after he finished with you."

"No, Jake . . . no . . . you're wrong - he never loved me." The words came out in a sob as she cradled herself in her arms. "And I know he wouldn't try to intentionally hurt me . . ."

"You think your leech is so perfect, don't you?" A scowl further darkened his features as he continued trembling.

"Of course he's perfect." She smiled sadly. "I was so stupid and naive to think we could be together . . . that he would actually want to stay with me."

His quick exhale sounded like a bitter laugh. "Stupid? You don't know what you're saying, Bella! _You're_ the perfect one! You deserve so much more than _him_, that selfish, frigid, cruel . . . monster!"

The tears were now spilling down her alabaster cheeks. "Please, Jacob, don't. Don't speak of him that way - his memory's all I have left. And I'm _far_ from perfect. Look how I've hurt you - used you . . . I didn't mean it, Jacob. Please believe me. You're my sunlight; you're such a good person. If I could only feel that way about you . . ."

He shook his head vehemently. "I'm not good. I'm . . . bad. You should just give up on this, Bella. I'm just as bad as him. I'm no good for you either."

"What are you talking about? You _are_ good, and he is too!"

"Sure, sure," Jacob replied listlessly. "He's a real prince. A real honorable guy."

The hole in her chest was searing through her, scorching with pain, and the muscles lining Jacob's face tightened watching her writhe in agony. Without thinking, he seized her elbows, staring into her frightened brown eyes.

"You've got to let him go, Bella. He's no good for you. Look at you - you don't deserve this."

She stared up at him, unblinking. "I'm sorry I'm so pathetic. Charlie wants me to forget him too . . . I _can't_, Jacob. There's this tiny part of me that keeps hoping he'll come back. I know it's incredibly lame - "

He grasped her slender arms tighter, almost shaking her. "He _is_ back, don't you know that? He's been back in Forks for months now!"

Her eyes doubled in size, and she began shaking just like Jacob, the tremor passing between them. Her voice was strangled. "He, he hasn't returned, has he?"

Jacob continued staring down at her with a look of pity, not taking back his words.

Feeling her chest squeezing, she gasped for air, breathlessly crying, "Let me go!"

Jacob seemed to break out of his trance, instantly unclasping his large hands from her small arms, leading Bella to stagger backward, losing her footing and sliding onto her bottom in the wet forest undergrowth.

He rushed to her side, crouching down and helping her sit upright. "Bella? Are you okay? I-I didn't mean to say that!"

Her face was a mask of pain, staring with unseeing eyes into the dense forest in a vaguely familiar turn of events. Her body rocked back and forth with a sad, repetitive rhythm. "He's back . . . he didn't come back to me . . . he doesn't love me . . . he _never_ loved me . . ."

"Stop this, Bella!" Jacob moaned, ducking his head with shame. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I'm so sorry . . ."

Abruptly Bella went completely still, causing Jacob to look up with concern. There appeared to be a sudden resolve in her eyes, and her shoulders drooped with relief, as if casting off an enormous weight.

"This isn't your fault, Jacob. You've been nothing but good to me." Her lovely, expressive eyes seemed to turn to stone, to rock-hard dark-chocolate. "I'll be fine - don't worry about me." She managed a plastic smile. "Don't you see? This is good news. This will help me finally get over him. He never cared about me. Why should I throw my life away, pining for something that never existed?"

_It will be as if I never existed._

Jacob watched her pull herself up from the forest floor, gaping at her newfound energy and apparent happiness. "What's happening, Bella?"

"I'm doing what you wanted me to," she breezily responded, "Letting him go." Filling her ears was the smoothness of Edward's voice as they watched _Romeo and Juliet_ together on her sofa, months ago, his melodious voice masking the destruction of Romeo's quote:

_These violent delights have violent ends  
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,  
Which as they kiss consume.*_

Jacob continued to be dumbfounded by her brusque change in mood, hustling to follow her as she began striding to her truck. "Where're you going?"

"Home. I need to cook dinner for Charlie." _I need to say goodbye_. She turned to Jacob, reaching up to cradle his smooth, brown face with her pale, slender hand. "Thank you." She swallowed down a sob. "Thank you for being such a good friend to me."

"Wha - ?" Staring down at her confusedly, he drew her trembling hand from his face down into his large paws. "What are you talking about, Bella? I'm, I'm not a good friend. I know I can't tell you everything right now, but don't leave. I didn't mean to say what I said back there - I screwed up. You don't have to leave?"

A flash of sadness crossed her face before she composed her features in a determined ghostly pallor once again. "I have to go. Bye, Jacob."

He watched her scurry off to her truck, feeling a deep sense of unease kindling in his gut. His trembling had not subsided, and he felt a compelling urge to shift into wolf so that he could run and follow her truck. However, he knew that Sam and the others were waiting for him inside the house, probably furious with him that he'd spilled the bloodsucker's beans. He only wished he could spill the bloodsucker's blood (if he had any).

Sighing, watching her truck cough up some smoke as she drove off, he trudged back to his house.

~~ Section Break ~~

Edward looked down to realize that he'd worn a bare path into the forest undergrowth with his incessant pacing. Frowning, he glanced at his watch - an entire _hour_ had passed? What was she doing in La Push? Was she in danger? Why wasn't she headed back home? Where in the hell was that ancient red truck?

His feet itched to cross the line. He'd never forgive himself if something happened to her in there, while he was standing helplessly outside.

~~ Section Break ~~

Bella made it almost a mile in her truck before racking sobs overtook her, forcing her off to the shoulder of the deserted reservation road.

Through hyperventilated breaths, she haltingly cried, "_He . . . doesn't . . . want me_." Pain ripped through her, shearing her in two. She realized that she'd been secretly hoping he'd return this whole time - that this aching hole inside of her would finally close, mended by his cold, soothing touch, melted by his glowing ochre eyes.

How wrong she'd been.

He didn't care about her. He never cared about her. What was he doing back in Forks? Had he returned to watch her pathetic depression from his departure? Laughing at how she thought they could ever be together? Him, in his glorious, immortal perfection; her in her stumbling, ordinary ineptitude?

The secret wish for his return was now shattered, and with it, her hope that this enduring pain would ever remit. This gaping hole inside of her, empty and cavernous, would never heal. Soon she'd be swallowed whole by her own pain, unless she did something about it. Now.

It was just starting to rain, of course, and the pitter-patter of raindrops on the hood of her car brought her attention to her surroundings. The cell phone in her jacket pocket was digging into her side, and she drew it out onto her lap, staring down at the cheap phone - the phone she should use to call Charlie. The phone Edward never called anymore.

Glancing up, looking through a veil of brown hair and tears, Bella saw an expanse of swirling blue sea and peaking white caps off to her left, icy sprays of saltwater slamming into the rocks below. Her eyes traveled up the sheer, slick slab of rock, landing and resting on the cliff in the distance, recalling Sam's army diving off one by one into the maelstrom below.

She also remembered Jacob sitting next to her in the truck, promising they could try cliff diving one day. That would never happen now. Jacob was no longer her friend. But that didn't mean she couldn't dive off that cliff herself. Hadn't Nina told her how strong she was?

_Promise me, don't do anything reckless or stupid._

Perhaps she would hear his voice one last time.

~~ Section Break ~~

Nina Carlton could barely see out her windshield, unsure if it was the blinding rain or her blinding fear that was blocking her view. The phone message that she'd just missed, the one that had almost stopped her heart when she listened to it minutes later, kept looping in her mind.

"_Hi Nina, it's Bella. I wanted to, um, thank you. Thank you for trying to help me. You're a really good psychologist . . . I'm just, I don't know, too far gone I guess. I can't take it anymore."_ She seemed to choke down a sob. _"Will you, um, will you take care of Charlie? He really likes you. He'll need you now."_

Nina's heart had begun racing once she'd heard those words: _I can't take it anymore_. The same words her son Adam had written in his suicide note.

_No, no, no,_ Nina now moaned in her car, speeding down the neighborhood street. _Not again. I have to stop him . . . I mean her. I'm going to stop her._

She squinted through the rain, trying to locate the address hastily scrawled on the post-it in her hand. Her hand was shaking so badly that she could barely read the numbers. Hearing a faint siren behind her, growing louder each second, she slowed down, scanning her rear and side mirrors.

A police cruiser came into view behind her car, screaming toward her, and she pulled over to the right berm of the street hoping she hadn't broken any traffic laws in her attempt to find the Swan house. When the vehicle flew past her, she managed to catch a glimpse of Charlie in the front seat. Her foot slammed down the accelerator and she followed him the next two-hundred yards to his driveway, pulling up next to the cruiser.

Charlie had already run inside, leaving both his car door and front door of the house wide open, a sign that he'd gotten word of Nina's 911 call. She quickly exited her car and ran up the stairs to the front entrance of the house, failing to notice the rain pelting her suede jacket en route. "Charlie?" she called.

"Bella!" his hysterical voice replied from the recesses of the upstairs bedrooms. Soon he came hurtling down the stairs, freezing upon noticing Nina in the doorway. "You called dispatch! Bells left a message for you?" His eyes looked desperate. "A suicide note?"

Nina nodded, suddenly feeling calm in comparison to the frantic father. "She left a voice message. Where could she be, Charlie?"

"I, I don't know! I thought she'd be here!"

"Breathe, Charlie. Think where she'd be. She's not answering her phone."

"She left you a phone message?" He rushed into the kitchen, lunging for the answering machine. Quickly fast-forwarding through a message from Harry Clearwater about going fishing next weekend, Charlie yanked his hand away from the machine once his daughter's shattered voice filled the kitchen.

"_Hi, Dad. Um, I don't really know how to say this . . ." _she sniffed, and it was evident she was crying, _". . . I love you, do you know that? I'm sorry I didn't want to come to Forks every summer like I should have . . . I was just a dumb kid . . . but I'm glad, um, I'm grateful I got to be here, this year, um, with you. I'm so sorry I'm doing this."_

Her sobs made Charlie grab his head with anguish. Nina turned away, feeling nauseated.

"_I know you don't understand, and I don't want to hurt you, but I . . . I can't keep doing this. I know you worry about me, and you won't have to worry anymore, okay? I'll be in a better place."_ They could barely hear her last words. _"I love you."_

"Where could she be, Charlie?"

Nina's insistent question broke him out of his despair, and he tried to sort through the sickening fog of the message he'd just heard. "Maybe Jacob's?"

Nina took charge. "Good - you go to the Blacks. I'll take my car and look for her elsewhere. Keep trying her cell phone. We'll find her, Charlie."

Noticing he wasn't moving, Nina barked, "Charlie! Let's go!"

He numbly followed her out to his car, not even noticing he'd left the front door of his house gaping open. Only one word resonated over and over in his head as he raced toward La Push.

_Bells._

~~ Section Break ~~

Edward felt the vibration of his phone less than a second before it was at his ear.

"Edward!" Alice panted. "Bella's on the reservation!"

"What's wrong?" he demanded. "What do you see?"

Alice was quiet for two seconds before numbly reporting, "She wants to kill herself. She's going to jump off a cliff."

He slowly drew the phone down from his ear, his jaw becoming unhinged. He could hear his sister's tinny voice still jabbering on the line: _Edward, did you hear me? What are you going to do?_

A split second later, he was flying through the forest, on the wrong side of the treaty line. He'd now crossed that line, and there was no going back.

_* _William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, 2.3

Author Note:

Did you enjoy my **cliff**hanger? Hee hee. *ducks*

Please check out Omnific Publishing's website for information about my first published novel: _With Good Behavior_. There's an excerpt of the first chapter as well as a really cool video trailer!

omnificpublishing(dot)com


	20. Suicide Romance

**Thanks to Stephenie Meyer, who owns the characters and plot. I did use some dialogue from **_**New Moon**_** in this chapter, though here's where I'm **_**really**_** going to veer off from canon.**

**Thank you also to cilou for a read-through and some helpful suggestions.**

**I think it would be irresponsible of me to post this chapter without a word or two about suicide. With this chapter title and content I want to be clear that I am NOT romanticizing suicide by any means. The tragic thing about suicide is that the intense hopelessness and despair that an individual feels are **_**temporary**_** feelings. Emotions are fleeting and will always change. However, if individuals complete suicide, they never find out that they would start feeling better if they gave themselves a chance. What does happen is their loved ones become absolutely devastated—they are never the same. Depression is very treatable, and research shows that a combination of counseling and medication can work best.**

***after school special over***

**I'm using the song "Easy Tonight" by Five for Fighting as this chapter's inspiration (I've inserted the lyrics throughout the chapter).**

**And now, onto the chapter I've been waiting for since the start of this story (one I hope you've been waiting for too) . . .**

20. Suicide Romance

Bella shivered, staring down at the roiling sea. At first she considered what a terrifyingly long way down it was from the cliff, but then she realized she'd already descended so far since Edward departed - there was just a little bit left. Just a step off the cliff, and it would be over.

Her face was wet with tears and rain, and she felt her teeth chattering. Her arms squeezed her body tight, bracing herself against the cold wind and the frightening future filled with pain. He'd left her . . . he was gone.

Then, she'd found out he was back.

But to her, he was still gone.

_You were wrong__  
__You were right__  
__You are gone __  
__Tonight_

How wrong she'd been to think he would return to her . . . that he hadn't really meant it when he'd told her that he didn't want her.

How _right_ she'd been when she finally realized it was over between them. It was over for her. Just a few words from Jacob had delivered the stunning epiphany that six months of unfettered longing had not.

_Edward doesn't want me._

The teeming rivulets of icy rainwater cascaded down her soaked hair, trickling in a frigid descent down her neck, invading her warm layers of clothing and stabbing the shivering bare skin of her chest with their relentless, gouging jabs. God, how she craved for the icy stabs of pain to be over.

_You were sharp__  
__Sharp as knives__  
__You were wrong__  
__You were right_

She recalled the last occasion she'd felt her heart pounding so vociferously, circulating the panic of adrenaline through her veins. There'd been a vampire involved that time too, in the woods where Laurent had found her. But she knew that there would be no massive wolves to save her this time. The wolves may have chased after Laurent, allowing her to escape, but they were powerless against Edward. There would be no escape from the strangling hold of his ghost.

With a start, Bella remembered the therapy session about animal totems, when Nina had told her that wolves were her protectors. How could Nina have known that wolves would indeed save her from death? Maybe Nina knew more than Bella gave her credit for. Staring at the sheer drop-off mere feet away from her, she realized that, after all, Dr. Carlton was the one who had told her to stay away from cliffs.

An internal battle waged inside of Bella. Part of her was overwhelmed by the impulse to simply march off the cliff, stepping into the cool release of no more pain. That part fiercely pushed away the images of Charlie and Renee weeping at her funeral, devastated by her death. But another part of her couldn't so easily block those images of her parents absolutely distraught because of her actions, and that part was scared as hell to take the plunge.

Suddenly she heard his velvet voice whispering in her ear.

_Bella, don't jump._

Finally, there was his voice, and with it, a knife of pain.

She stared down at the black sea, wondering if she had the courage to carry through on this pain-relieving mission. Anything to stop the scourge of pain. But what if she didn't die in the fall? Sam and his cult had survived, right?

Taking another peek at the monstrous waves slamming into the jagged rocks, she knew she wouldn't make it. Those Quileute boys were muscular, experienced swimmers, unlike her. She knew that to jump off the cliff was to meet her death. Admittedly, that's what she liked so much about the idea.

_Shot down . . . said you never had the chance__  
__Took a ride on a suicide romance_

~~ Section Break ~~

Edward raced through the tall pines of the reservation with a single-minded purpose, silently repeating, _Don't jump, Bella_._ Don't you dare jump._

He hoped his memory from over eighty years ago, when Carlisle had negotiated the treaty, served him well in locating the cliff favored by the Quileute tribe for death-defying dives and stunts. He hoped the cliff-diving's most recent participant would also be death-defying.

Why was she doing this? Was she trying to hear his voice again? Didn't she know she could die from diving off a cliff that high? Didn't she realize the power of the crashing ocean breakers below?

Drawing ever closer to the shoreline with each fluid step of his swift run, he could almost hear her frightened heartbeat from his position deep in the thick forest. She was so wrong to believe his break-up speech last September. Yet she was so right to try to move on with her life without him - without the monster. He only wished it didn't seem to hurt them both so thoroughly.

_You were down__  
__You could see__  
__You wore hearts for me_

_You were wrong_

_You were right_

He pushed the pace even faster, perhaps faster than he'd ever run before. He willed her to hear his unspoken words. _Your life is so precious, my love. __You__ are so precious. Your life is worth one-hundred of mine. If you love me, don't jump._

~~ Section Break ~~

_You are so precious, Bella._

Bella frowned, loudly protesting to the thin air, "Obviously not to _you_!" Her words echoed in the abyss below, sounding petulant and desperate.

She clutched her torso, whispering, "How do I live with this pain?" Beginning to sob again, she moaned, "Please t-t-tell me how to do it. Please tell me, my beautiful hallucination."

_If you love me, don't jump._

Oh, now the voice had become manipulative. _If_ she loved him? Of course she loved him! If only he loved her back.

Standing on wobbly legs, on the precipice between life and death, she felt pulled to just step off. Just step off and end it all.

An icy track of rain slid down her back, increasing her trembling. What would happen when she died? Would there be an afterlife - a heaven, a hell? Would it be like Phoenix, warm and lonely? Or like Forks, cold and wet, soaring on the heights of love and falling to the depths of loss? Would she ever stop missing her mother and father?

Would she ever stop missing Jacob?

Would she ever stop yearning for _Edward_?

If she couldn't find peace in life, could she find it in death?

Facing her death once again, she realized that she didn't have the same sense of peace she'd felt walking into that ballet studio, surrendering to James. Then, she had been saving her mother, and though she'd shaken with fear entering that dark studio, surrounded by sweeping arches and distorted mirrors, she'd known it was the right thing to do. Now, she was shaking with fear, but there wasn't the resolute tranquility of knowing she would save somebody she loved. She was only trying to save herself, trying to escape the pain - an action which felt incredibly selfish.

Something seemed to shift in the environment, drawing her out of her existential angst. She noticed that the pelting rain had miraculously stopped. With a sense of dawning wonder, she peered around her at the cloudy mist, blinking with heavy lids, feeling moisture on her eyelashes. The accumulated stress of her emotional turmoil weighted her down. Feeling too weak to continue standing, she crumpled into a heap about a foot away from the cliff's edge.

Other than the distant sound of pounding surf, more than fifty meters below her, a still quiet settled in, swathing her with a reprieve from the cold patter of raindrops. Her head drooped down and she sniffed, swiping at her nose. She felt trapped, stuck in this known place of hurt and longing, too scared to cross over into the unknown world beyond.

She slowly lifted her face up to the cloudy sky, feeling a gentle breeze on her tear-stained cheeks, and her attention darted to the side upon noticing a butterfly flitting down from the heavens.

The butterfly had satiny black wings with striking white markings ridged with brilliant orange wingtips. Bella studied the exquisite, delicate butterfly as it landed on an outcropping of serrated rocks. The creature flapped her wings languorously; each downswing like a welcoming unfolding of arms waiting to give a comforting hug. Then the wings would rise coquettishly, hiding her beauty until they splayed open once again. Bella was mesmerized.

After gazing at the beautiful creature for an unknown period of time, she realized that there was a slight lessening of the scorching ache in her chest. She found herself gulping in a breath of clean mountain air, and her long exhale seemed to waft over the butterfly, causing the creature to float up off the rock riding the draft of oxygen. She hovered for a moment, giving one gentle flap of her wings, before drifting off in a playful dance.

Bella heard the waves hammering the rocks below, but kept her gaze trained on the butterfly performing pirouettes on the wildflowers nearby.

~~ Section Break ~~

Swift and graceful as a gazelle, Edward entered the clearing, stopping short once he located Bella's petite figure sitting near the edge of the cliff. Tilting his face up to the heavens, he closed his eyes and softly whispered, "Thank you."

He wasn't too late.

Silently striding closer to her, he approached her with the wariness of a hunter whose prey might skittishly flee. The wariness of a hunter whose prey might hate him and reject him.

He knew the exact moment that she saw him. A look of recognition crossed her face a second before an expression of agony overtook her fine features.

She instantly sprung up to her feet and shrunk back from him in fear.

Edward winced. Since they'd met, the times when she should have been afraid of him she had instead been oblivious to his predatory cravings, telling him that she knew he wouldn't harm her. Now she was finally behaving like a normal human in the presence of a vampire - like a lamb _should_ respond to a lion - and it made him feel sick. _He_ should be the one tossing himself off the side of the cliff for hurting her like this. Not that such an action would do anything to his indestructible shell.

She wondered if she was having another hallucination. Perhaps upping the ante from trying to injure herself to attempting suicide would reward her with not only hearing his silky voice, but seeing him too? An auditory _and_ a visual hallucination?

Or perhaps she really had jumped off the cliff somehow, crossing over to the other side? Was this some sort of heaven, having him with her again?

She rasped, "Are we . . . I mean, is this . . . are you . . . real?"

He stood a careful distance away from her, studying her intently, having no idea how to respond. Finally he managed, "Yes." He gave an assuring nod. "I'm real, and you're real." A light breeze ruffled his bronze hair, drowning him with her scent. Her scent was definitely real.

Breaking the silence, he said, "I'm so grateful you didn't jump."

Bella shook her head, seeming confused. "How did you know . . . how did you know that I wanted to?"

"Alice."

Hearing her former friend's name made the ache in her heart return, but she was determined to keep speaking to him lest the hallucination vanish. Bravely, she looked him in the ochre eye. "And how is Alice?"

He grimaced. "She's destroyed that I didn't let her to say goodbye to you."

The pain of longing for her friend cut into her, and hearing him harkening back to that dreadful afternoon in the forest when he'd left her, she realized this Edward was indeed real. This was the vampire who had left her, telling her she'd never see him again.

Strangely there wasn't the look of cold, stony determination he'd shown that day. His eyes glowed with warmth this time . . . warmth, and a sense of guilt?

He forced himself to relax his shoulders, hoping to place her more at ease. "God, I've been such a fool." He stared down at the moist earth, his head hung low. Sensing movement, he glanced up to find her taking an uncertain step backwards, closer to the cliff's edge.

Alarmed, he took a pursuant step forward, trying to devise a way to talk her down. He asked, "May I . . . I don't deserve this, but . . . will you allow me to hug you?"

At first she was puzzled. Why on earth would he want to hug her, when he clearly didn't want anything to do with her?

Then she slowly began nodding, arriving at an understanding of his request. "You don't have to trouble yourself. I decided not to jump. I . . . want to live. So you don't have to worry about me anymore. Don't trouble yourself."

He looked baffled. "You don't want to _trouble_ me?" His piercing gaze cut into her as his incisive mind desperately tried to understand this mysterious human.

A flash of insight cracked through his stone features, making him almost gasp. "You still believe me. You still believe that I don't want you? Bella, I was _lying_! How could you not know that I was lying to you?"

Now she was the baffled one. She gaped at him, open-mouthed, eyebrows scrunched. "Wha . . .? You lied? Why, why did you lie?"

"Because I was an idiotic fool!" He clenched his fists. "Because I thought you wouldn't get hurt if I left, at least not by my kind. Because I wanted you to have a chance at life, to experience all the gifts of being human, without me interfering. But Bella, I was so wrong. I've hurt you irrevocably - I can see that now. I'm so sorry."

A hint of anger clouded her face. "You _lied_ to me?" She blinked several times, repeating, "You lied to me." The realization sunk in, causing a fountain of fury to bubble up inside of her. "You thought that was best for me - to tell me you didn't want me anymore? To _leave_ me? Didn't you think I had a say in the matter?"

Suddenly she launched herself at him, managing not to trip as her arms thrashed violently. Her fists had wills of their own, beginning to pound on his thick chest, making her gasp from the bruising force of her flesh meeting granite.

"No," he cried, easily capturing her flailing fists in his cool hands. "Don't hurt yourself more on my account. Please, Bella. Please."

Her wriggling struggle was useless, she finally figured out.

"Get off me!" she hollered, staggering back when he obeyed and released her. She cradled her hands together, nursing her sore knuckles. "I can't even hit you properly," she grumbled.

He tried to hide a small grin threatening to erupt. "You have every right to be furious with me. I've been acting like a megalomaniac. Shall I try to punch myself, for you? Would that make you feel better?"

Though the idea intrigued her, she shook her head.

Seeming to be working something in her mind, she appeared confused by the look of adoration in his eyes - the look he'd always reserved for her before things had changed, before he had left. Finally she squeaked, "You want me?"

"Yes, I want you! I never stopped wanting you. Please believe me, Bella."

She felt dizzy, like she couldn't catch her breath, and her eyes welled up in tears. Soon, racking sobs overtook her. "You said I was no good for you."

Anguish pulsed on his face. "It was a lie." His jaw clenched. "What I meant was that I'm no good for _you_. I only cause you pain. I thought you would forget me."

"I never . . ." she breathed in a staccato breath, close to hyperventilating, "I never could forget you."

Before she knew it he had her cradled in his arms, plastering her to his hard body. She felt her flesh mold and melt into his stalwart frame. Feeling his reassuring grasp holding her, containing her, pleading with her, she let out a sob and surrendered herself into his embrace.

Each trembling shudder of her body jolted through him, poisoning his inactive veins with acute self-hatred for what he'd done. Yet holding her again was also an exquisite high.

He had no bloodlust for her this time, feeling the warm, delicate flesh of her cheek pressing into his coldhearted chest. There was only a deep sense of protectiveness for her now. He never wanted to be away from her side, though he knew he didn't deserve to be there. If she had more self-preservation, she should never forgive him for making her feel so unwanted and unloved.

"I deserve your anger - I shouldn't have lied. I never should have left. I thought it would be better for you, to give you a chance at a human life, but I was terribly wrong. I've been such a fool. I've tried to make decisions in your best interest, when all I did was to hurt you, to leave you in a mess."

Her voice was small, muffled into his shoulder. "I'm sorry for falling apart so completely. I tried to make it without you, I did . . . but I'm not as strong as you."

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," he said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Alice told me you were putting yourself in danger, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time and not much of it before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

She grimaced, pulling back from his chest. "Be serious, please."

"Oh, I am," he insisted, glaring now. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

He waited, studying her face to make sure she was really listening.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason . . . And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

She stared up at him, bowled over by how eloquently he described their absence in each other's lives. "It was that way for me, too," she softly admitted.

Leaning down, gentle and soft, his sweet scent overpowered her as he feathered a kiss on her cheek, still damp with tears. She turned her head toward him, bringing them eye to eye, and their mouths lingered centimeters from each other. He wasted no time in brushing his lips against hers, and she was once again consumed by her beautiful vampire. Feeling weightless and boneless, she drifted off in a state of bliss as he held the kiss for a deeply satisfying time.

When he finally let go of her trembling lips, she expected to see the wild, feral look in his eyes, present whenever they kissed. Instead he sported a look of utter serenity.

"Doesn't my scent bother you?"

He smiled faintly. "It doesn't seem to. I think . . . I think something changed inside of me when I thought you might be dead. It would go against every fiber of my being to let somebody hurt you now, including myself."

He drew in gulps of her tantalizing scent and went to kiss her again, seeming to test his hypothesis. Bella wasn't complaining. His cool mouth traveled up her jawline, somehow warming her in the cool mountain air.

After several moments of kissing, he abruptly stopped, pulling back to ply her with his steady gaze.

"What's this about you telling me that you want to live? Does that mean that you wanted to die?"

She looked away with embarrassment. "It was stupid."

He appeared quite troubled. "I could have been too late. I could have walked in to find you gone from the cliff, gone . . ." He seized her biceps, careful not to grasp her arm too tightly yet still communicating a sense of urgency. "Don't you know that I couldn't live without you, Bella? Have you no idea how precious you are to me?"

She gulped, meeting his intense gaze.

"How could you think of risking your life? Approaching those men at the bar, riding a _motorcycle_, for heaven's sake, and now jumping off a cliff?"

Her eyes widened in alarm. "You know about that?"

"When Alice informed me you were actively seeking danger, not merely unconsciously drawing it to you like you usually do, I rushed back to try to stop you."

"You were here the whole time?" Her cheeks reddened.

He also looked embarrassed. "Since February. I wanted to keep out of your life, like I'd promised to you, but I couldn't. I'm so sorry. It was horrible of me to stand by and watch you in pain without coming to you and begging you to forgive me for leaving. It was imminently worse than being apart from you . . . to be so close to you, yet to be unable to reach out to you, to touch you . . . my only recourse being to plead with you to stop endangering yourself . . ."

"You pleaded with me?" Her mahogany eyes squinted.

"I had to try to stop you. Curiously . . . you seemed to hear me?"

"I thought I was having hallucinations! I _could_ hear you! Nina told me I wasn't hallucinating, but-"

She hesitated, embarrassed to let her psychologist's name slip out like that. He must think she was a total mental case.

Watching the spider web of delicate veins on her face flush with a fine rose color, he felt compelled to come forward with the awful truth. What was one more sin to add to his list of contrition? "I know about Dr. Carlton," he said softly.

"You know? You . . .?"

He clenched his teeth. "I listened to your sessions."

The blush became more furious and fantastic.

"I wanted to know why you were trying to endanger yourself, so that I could put a stop to it," he rushed in to add. She looked horrified. "But then I discovered that you were putting yourself in harm's way, to hear my voice . . ."

He let her go and gripped his temples, unable to look at her.

"Those sessions were private," she said, indignation creeping into her voice. "You shouldn't have done that."

Continuing to look down, he muttered, "You're unfailingly correct."

She gently clasped his wrist, and he gradually lifted his eyes to hers. "But at least now you know how I truly feel about you. I know you were doing that to try to keep me safe, Edward. You were trying to do to the right thing."

"The list of wrongs I've committed against you - the one person I never wanted to hurt - is long and distinguished. No wonder my family is so exasperated with me."

"They're upset with you?"

"They only wanted to help. They saw what became of me when I left you." His eyes darkened. "And Alice saw what became of you, too."

She glanced away, feeling a faint hint of aching in her chest, though the pain had largely diminished.

With her small hand still clutching one of his marble wrists, he drew his hands down from his face and skated his cool fingertips along the underside of her forearm, eliciting a strand of goosebumps up her spine.

"When I arrived here, you had already decided not to jump off the cliff. What stopped you, Bella?"

She gave a long sigh, and her delicious breath tickled the back of his throat. Her scent was no longer a fire, but a consuming warmth that filled him with meaning and purpose.

"I decided I wanted to live again," she stated softly. Then, with more conviction, she added, "I decided to stop moping around like a heartsick teenager. I love you, Edward, and I would never forget you if you didn't come back, but I had to live again, as _me_. Just because you didn't want me didn't have to mean that I didn't want me. I didn't want to be Catherine. And I didn't want to be Juliet, either. I just wanted to be Bella . . . plain, clumsy Bella."

As her words sunk in, he was once again impressed by her strength. If only he could be so strong. "I love you. I love that Bella."

She held his gaze, knowing he was telling the truth this time.

"You're _not_ plain, my beautiful, silly girl. And you're certainly not boring."

That comment earned him a roll of her eyes.

"I can't lose you," Edward continued. "Promise me you'll never do that again. If you're hurting that badly, tell me, alright?"

Her voice was a whisper. "What if you're not here?"

His jaw flexed with self-induced anger. "I will always be here. I know you don't believe that now, but I will prove that to you, if you let me. I will never leave you again."

"Well, I'm not the only one you have to convince. Charlie's pretty ticked off at you."

Bella took in a sharp breath of air. "Charlie! I left him a message . . . a, um, a goodbye." She exhaled with a growing sense of dread. "He's going to kill me."

_She's in. __  
__Over my head...and it's not easy it's not easy tonight _

_You were bound__  
__You were free__  
__You wear black for me__  
__You were dark__  
__Dark as night__  
__You were wrong__  
__You were right_

_Easy Tonight, _Five for Fighting

**Author's Note:**

**For a beautiful (and haunting) music video, check out "Easy Tonight" by Five for Fighting on you tube.**

**One of my readers recommended that I read the book **_**The Vampire Tapestry**_** since it features a section about a vampire in therapy. Was it you that made the recommendation? I did read it and posted a review on my blog at ****jenniferlanebooks(dot)com**** if you're interested.**

**I struggled a bit writing this chapter (I hope that wasn't too evident!) If you have a comment you'd like to leave to encourage me writing the next chapter, I'd love to hear it! This story is far from over. Jen xx**


	21. Suicide Romance Part Two

**Hey y'all! Sorry it's taking me forever between updates . . . seems like I have so many activities competing for my attention that I feel like a kid who's missed her last twenty doses of Ritalin!**

**One of those activities is trying to get the word out about my debut novel, **_**With Good Behavior. **_**Thank you to Ana for reading and reviewing the novel over on goodreads(dot)com!**

21. Suicide Romance, Part Two

Sitting in his lap, Bella flooded Edward's keen senses. Her luminous brown eyes blinked back at him. Her lilting voice played its symphony, drowning out the sound of crashing surf far below the cliff face. The feathery press of her bottom on his thighs, her legs wrapped around his back and her arms draped on his shoulders, competed with the softness of her hips resting beneath his curled palms. The taste of her, strawberries and dew, washed down his throat as she leaned in to kiss him again. But her scent . . . her scent is what undid him, initiating an opiate eruption in his brain so exquisite that it rivaled the finest grade heroin high.

"Charlie's not going to kill you, Bella," he whispered between kisses, unable to hide the hint of amusement in his voice.

Beholden by his ochre gaze and his full lips, she tried to think straight. "Maybe not at first," she conceded. "He'll make sure I'm okay first, _then_ he'll kill me."

Edward chuckled.

She pulled back. "But when he knows we're back together again, he might want to kill _you_."

A small frown crept onto his chiseled features. "He's a smart man." He looked away. "He knows how much I've hurt you."

She cupped his granite chin, turning his face back to her. "I'm not hurting anymore, as long as you're here. As long as you never leave."

His eyes bore into her with a solemn promise. "I've learned my lesson, Miss Swan."

"Good." Her winning smile sparked a feeling of warmth spreading all through his chest.

~~ o * o ~~

Charlie busted into Billy's small house, shouting, "Bella!"

He stopped short once he noticed Jacob, Sam, and Paul crouched over the room's one piece of furniture, blocking Charlie's view of the body lying prone on the ratty sofa. The only part of the body visible was a man's feet, encased in some dirty work boots. At least the prone man wasn't Billy - Charlie was relieved to find him in his wheelchair as usual, also straining to see around the massive Quileutes.

Charlie spoke sharply. "Billy!"

His friend's wise eyes drifted over from the sofa, looking at once distressed and dazed.

"Have you seen Bella?"

Billy squinted, appearing confused.

"Bella!" Charlie railed. "I have to find her!"

"I'm starting CPR!" Sam announced, leading Jacob and Paul dutifully to step back, providing a clear view of the prone man.

Charlie gasped. "What's wrong with Harry?"

"We don't know," Billy answered, sharing a grim look with his son. "He just collapsed, and the boys dragged him over to the sofa."

An eerie pall cast over the group as they watched Sam administer quick chest compressions, looking like he was going to crack open Harry's chest with his forceful thrusts.

Sickened by the sight, Charlie recovered enough to return to the reason he'd come in so frantically. "Jacob! I have to find Bella. Do you know where she is?"

"She's not here." Jacob looked down. "And I don't think she's coming back anytime soon." He didn't have his long hair anymore to hide the look of guilt on his face.

"What the hell does that mean?" Charlie took a step closer. "She was here?"

"Yeah."

"What did you do to her?"

Jacob flinched back like he'd been punched. "I would never hurt her! Sure, she was upset, but that's not my fault."

Sam moved to puff a couple of breaths into Harry's mouth before quickly resuming the compressions.

Charlie ripped his gaze away from that scene, looking desperate. "Why was Bells upset? What'd you tell her?"

Swallowing, Jacob glanced at Paul, who was glaring back at him. Jacob shrugged. "I told her Cullen was back in town."

The police chief's jaw became unhinged. "_Edward_ Cullen? He's back?"

"I thought she deserved to know."

Charlie swiftly crossed over to Jacob, now inches from him, jabbing a finger into his steroid-enhanced chest. "Then _you_ deserve to know that Bella's going to commit suicide!"

Jacob looked shocked. "What?"

Charlie's glower was intense. "What did you say to her? I want to know exactly what sent her over the edge!"

Billy butted in, "Now hold on, Charlie - "

"She left me a phone message!" Charlie fumed. "She's going to try to kill herself . . . I, I have to find her . . ."

"He's back!" Sam shouted, drawing the group's attention to the gasping man on the sofa. "Harry's breathing again."

At that moment, Charlie's cell phone rang and he swiftly swung it to his ear, bracing himself for whatever news awaited him.

"She's okay," Nina told him in a tremulous voice. "Bella's alright."

Charlie staggered backward until he thumped against the wall. His wobbly knees gave out and he slid down to the worn brown carpet. "Oh, God."

"What is it?" In a flash Jacob was kneeling down in front of him. "Is it Bella?"

His police chief demeanor was noticeably absent, replaced by the shaking vestiges of a scared father. "Bells is okay."

Nina continued, "I'm near the cliffs."

Charlie's voice rose in alarm. "The cliffs? She's going to jump?"

Jacob's eyes grew big. "She's at the cliffs?"

"She's not going to jump," Nina countered. "Edward Cullen's with her. He won't let her jump."

"And how exactly do you know that?" Charlie snapped. "Cullen's the reason she's depressed in the first place!"

"Because I can see them both clearly from my car," Nina explained, relief flooding her voice. "They're holding each other. Looks to me like they've reconciled."

Jacob's eyes narrowed as he gave Sam a pointed glare.

Charlie began pushing himself into a standing position. "Stay there and make sure she's safe - I'm on my way. I'm going to get to the bottom of this . . . Bella has a lot to answer for right now."

A shadow blocked the afternoon light from the doorway and Charlie looked up to see Jacob obstructing his intended exit. Sam had somehow sidled up to him as well.

"Chief, we need you to take Harry to the hospital," Sam insisted.

"Hold on, Nina," he said into the phone, glancing guiltily in Harry's direction, noticing his friend sitting up and trying to breathe with Paul's assistance. "Is Harry okay?"

"For now," Sam said, "but we gotta get him to the hospital pronto."

Nina could overhear part of their conversation, and asked, "Something's wrong with Uncle Harry?"

Charlie felt the strain of trying to carry on two conversations at once. He decided to answer Nina, "I'm at Billy's. They said Harry just collapsed."

A strangled cry came across the line.

"The ambulance takes too long to get to the res," Sam argued. "Your police car's the fastest way."

"Come _on_, Sam," Jacob pleaded, a faint whine mixing into a growl in his voice. Charlie turned to see the boy's fists clenched and his body trembling with a restless energy, one foot out the door.

Charlie felt torn. "I have to get to Bella."

"_I'll_ go to Bella," Jacob said, taking long strides to the sofa and helping Harry to his feet. "C'mon, Harry, Charlie's taking you to the hospital."

"Now wait a minute," Charlie protested, but Jacob, acting deaf, was practically carrying Harry out to the cruiser at this point, with Paul rushing in to assist.

Wheeling his chair closer to Charlie, Billy added, "You said Bella's okay, right? The boys will go make sure, if you can please take care of Harry."

With a bewildered look, feeling engineered into putting his friend ahead of his daughter, Charlie paused. Nina was waiting silently, and he asked her, "You _sure_ Bells is okay?"

"Yes. I'll go talk to her, try to get her to go home, and we'll wait for you there, okay?"

Charlie sighed. "Okay. I'll take Harry to the hospital."

Nina said, "Thank you, Charlie. Um, can you call Aunt Sue and tell her about this?"

"You want _me_ to call Sue?" Charlie wondered why Nina didn't want to call her.

"I'll call Sue," Billy promised. "Now go, Charlie. Harry doesn't look so good."

Charlie headed out the door in a haze, still holding his phone as he noticed Harry in the back seat of the cruiser with a growing group of Quileutes standing next to the car arguing. Clutching his phone, Charlie said, "We'll make it, Nina. You take care of my daughter and I'll take care of your uncle, okay?"

Nina nodded. "Okay."

He ended the call and approached the boys, appearing surprised to find that two more had arrived. One of them was as big as the others, but one was noticeably smaller.

The big one, Embry, pointed to the small one. "I brought him over once I heard his dad collapsed."

Charlie stared at the younger boy. "Seth?"

The boy's face was flushed, keeping an eye on his father. "Hi, Chief Swan. Can we get going?"

"Seth's going with you," Sam explained.

Charlie looked confused. "Why aren't you coming? You know CPR."

"We'll go to make sure Bella's okay," Sam said.

Jacob sported a macabre grin along with his trembling eagerness, further confusing Charlie, who said, "I thought Jacob was the one going . . . oh, never mind, we gotta hurry."

He and Seth slid into the front and back seats, respectively, and Charlie's tires spun on the gravel as he peeled out of the driveway. Throwing the gear into drive, he glanced back at the house just as he flipped on the siren.

The four Quileutes were nowhere to be seen.

~~ o * o ~~

Nina looked down at her cell phone, stroking it uncertainly a few times. She should call her mother. Wuti would want to know that her brother was being rushed to the hospital. However, Nina knew that Wuti would freak out, and such an emotional disturbance certainly wouldn't help her mother's fragile health or self-care for the diabetes. And what if Uncle Harry turned out to be fine? The freak-out would be all for nothing.

Maybe Nina would wait to find out Harry's exact status before calling her mother. She'd been through enough emotional turmoil today and she didn't think she could handle Wuti's anguish on top of it all. Maybe she'd make _sure_ Bella was safe before taking Wuti to the hospital.

Nina looked again at the embracing couple, sitting about three-hundred yards away from the berm of the road where she'd pulled over minutes ago. She thought she had made out Edward looking at her car over Bella's shoulder, as if he could see her and identify her from that far distance, but she was relatively sure Bella was unaware of her presence.

She opened her car door and stood up, surprised by her unsteadiness. Nina impulsively reached out to clutch the hood of the car, blinking quickly and trying to quell her shaking. She felt woozy and wobbly on her feet. Realizing that adrenaline had been flowing non-stop since receiving Bella's phone message, Nina struggled to take a few deep breaths.

_It didn't happen again._

_Bella didn't commit suicide. She's okay._

Nina felt tears spring to her eyes as the heaviness of loss tugged down her heart. _Adam_. If only she could have stopped him. If only she still had her son in her life.

Sniffing and wiping away a few tears, Nina closed the car door and squared her shoulders, beginning to walk toward the couple.

Closer to the cliff, Edward smoothed his cool hand down Bella's temple, tucking strands of chocolate hair behind her ear while informing her, "Nina is here."

Bella jumped a bit in his arms, lifting her head to scan around her. She swiveled around and saw her psychologist walking toward them. "Oh!" she squeaked. "Oh, no."

Edward looked perplexed. "You don't want to see her?"

Bella's shoulders slumped. "I called _her_, too."

"I see." Together he guided them up to their feet, and they held hands, waiting for Nina to come closer.

When she arrived, Edward was about to greet her but then hesitated. He'd told Bella he'd eavesdropped on her sessions, but she didn't know about _his_ sessions with the psychologist.

Nina glanced at Edward and then landed her gaze on Bella. "That was quite a disturbing phone message you left, Bella. How are you?"

"I'm sorry to worry you." Bella winced. "I'm doing fine now."

Edward wondered why lingering fear lined the psychologist's face despite finding out that Bella was safe.

"Nina." Bella halted, chewing on her lip. "This is Edward. This is _him_."

Edward gave a tight smile. "Hello, Dr. Carlton."

"Nice to meet you, Edward. You've, uh, you've come back to town then?"

He seemed relieved that she was pretending not to know him. "Yes, ma'am."

Nina looked at Bella. "And how do you feel about his return?"

Bella's gaze was direct. "So grateful." She lovingly looked up at Edward.

Edward gave her a sad smile and then drew their conjoined hands up to his mouth, placing a cool kiss on her opaque skin.

Nina observed the exchange with an inquisitive look.

"I know that's not what you want to hear," Bella said, turning back to Nina and appearing worried about her reaction. "But I love him."

"It's never been about what I want to hear," Nina countered. "And if you love him, then I am very happy for you. I'm happy for you both. Love is a beautiful thing." She smiled wisely. "But Bella, are you sure this is what you want? Just an hour ago you were calling me, in complete distress, about to do God knows what." Nina's voice choked up, but she got out, "You were saying goodbye to me. I thought I lost you!"

Suddenly Edward understood why Nina looked like she was teetering on the edge. He and Jasper had discovered that Nina's son had committed suicide, and flashes of that awful night now riddled her brain. Edward could see her vision of a tall, well-built body strewn on the bedroom floor, a gun in his lifeless hand . . .

Bella ducked her head.

Nina managed to ask, "Do you still want to kill yourself?"

"No." Bella's voice was firm. "And that's not about Edward showing up, either. I want to live, for me. You were right . . . I _am_ strong."

This seemed to placate Nina, until she turned to stare at Edward. "Why _did_ you show up?"

He squirmed a bit, knowing he couldn't disclose Alice's precognition about Bella jumping off the cliff. "I ascertained that my departure wasn't good for either of us. I was an untidy mess, and when I found out that Bella was hurting too - something I'd _never_ intended - I knew I had to return. I had to beg her to allow me another chance, and to promise that I wouldn't squander her love this time."

Nina looked at him thoughtfully. "You're taking a risk on love."

He shook his head, gently squeezing Bella's shoulder. "I'm not the one taking the risk. She is. But I'll stand by her and try to protect her the best I can."

Nina let that sink in, then asked Bella, "And you're willing to take him back?"

Bella's head readily bobbed up and down.

Remembering a story Nina had taught him, Edward scooped both of Bella's hands in his, cradling them in cool marble. "Bella, may I ask you a question?"

"Yes."

His earnest eyes blazed, making her heart pound. "What is it that you desire most in this world?"

She grinned. "That's easy. _You_."

He still looked skeptical. "Are you sure?"

"Irrevocably."

Edward couldn't help it; his smile soon matched Bella's. He leaned in to kiss her forehead, then let his lips descend to find hers.

Nina watched them share the most tender kiss she'd ever witnessed, at first embarrassing her, and then stridently knocking down her doubts and fears about their relationship. Bella clearly knew what she wanted, and clearly that was Edward. Though there would still be some issues to be worked out, their union seemed strong, forged by choice and not by desperation.

Edward abruptly pulled away from the kiss, darting his vision to the line of trees.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"Consequences," he replied, his voice tight.

Nina took a step back, feeling uneasy from the tension overtaking the teenagers.

She and Bella gaped when a colossal black wolf skulked out of the forest, heading in their direction.

Edward instinctively crouched, stepping in front of the women and waiting for others to join Sam. He didn't have to wait long. Three more massive wolves trotted behind the leader, covering the distance quickly with their soundless, long strides. He cursed himself for not anticipating this. He was standing on their ground, and he knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

"The wolves are back," Bella whispered.

"You've seen them before?" Nina asked incredulously.

"In the meadow." Bella gulped. "They didn't hurt me, though."

As they approached, Nina took a closer look at the shaggy beasts, blinking quickly. "Oh my . . . I thought it was just a legend."

Bella gave her a puzzled look.

Edward whipped around to face them. "Stay behind me, Bella . . . it's too late for me to take you to safety. But Dr. Carlton, you should go. Run to your car. They won't follow you - they don't want you."

Nina stared at him. "How do you know that?"

He shared a guilty glance with Bella. It was hardly the appropriate time to share his mindreading abilities with the psychologist.

He sighed, squaring his shoulders. "Because they want me."

"No!" Bella gave a cry of anguish.

The four wolves had descended on them, forming a semicircle around the three, and it seemed that Nina now was going nowhere. Sam sat down on his haunches twenty feet away from Edward, and Jacob prowled impatiently to his left, his ripping growls making Bella and Nina tremble.

It was silent for several seconds. Edward's voice was silky smooth as he spoke to the black one. "It was unquestionably _not_ my choice to come here. I had to. Bella's life was in danger."

Bella's forehead creased. "_What_ wasn't a choice?" She peered at Edward. "Wait . . . you're speaking to them? You can hear them?"

Nina looked stunned by Bella's question, and Edward avoided the psychologist's prying gaze, turning back to Sam to answer the shouted accusations from the alpha. "Yes, I'm quite aware of the consequences of breaking the treaty. Please allow me to take Bella and Nina to safety, and then I'll return to face them."

The russet wolf snorted mockingly, and Bella tried to make sense of the one-sided conversation. Edward's voice got tight. "No! These three pups cannot be trusted. I refuse to allow Bella to be alone with them once you've finished with me."

He whipped his head to the side to find Jacob stealthily easing closer to Bella, honing in on her with a single-minded purpose. Edward roared, "You stay away from her, Jacob Black!"

Bella gasped, looking horrified. "_Jacob?_"

Jacob halted, his reddish fur bristling. Witnessing her horror, he slowly backed away, whimpering.

Nina watched Bella try to make sense of what was happening, and she was just as confused.

"Edward!" Bella cried. "What, what's happening? Why did you call him Jacob?"

Edward gazed into Sam's glossy black eyes. "Please. Allow me a minute to explain."

Sam held his gaze for a few seconds before giving a reluctant nod.

Edward turned his back on the wolves and drew Bella to him, cradling her in a hug. Jacob rumbled another growl in their direction. "I'm so sorry. I should have taken leave once I found out you were safe, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave." He glanced up at Nina. "And now I've brought you both to danger."

"Do they mean to kill us?" Bella asked.

Edward smiled sadly. "No. You're not in violation of the treaty."

"What do you mean . . . what treaty?"

"My family and I are not to step on Quileute lands."

Nina had been taking this all in, and a realization dawned on her. In a wondrous voice, she said, "You're a cold one."

When Edward's glowing eyes slowly lifted to meet hers, Nina found herself taking a few involuntary steps backward.

He felt sickened by her fear of him, and let go of Bella. "I am."

Bella watched the psychologist's face, shaking her head in disagreement of Nina's frightened expression. "Edward won't hurt you, Nina."

Jacob's snort echoed behind them.

Nina kept her eyes trained on Edward, pointing to the wolves. "They're here to protect us. From you. _You_ made them shift. You changed these boys' lives."

"Edward, what is she talking about?" Bella pleaded.

He looked down. "These are shape-shifters, Bella . . . Sam, Jacob, Paul, and Embry. Mortal enemies of my family. Carlisle signed a treaty with their grandfathers long ago, and I've just broken it. They've come to enforce the consequences."

Bella drew in a sharp intake of air. "Enemies? No . . . no! But, but, but Jacob is my friend. He would never hurt you."

A bitter smile formed on his full lips. "Jacob has been waiting for this opportunity for some time."

Edward spun around, not bothering to hide his supernatural speed from Nina anymore. He looked up at the looming wolves, seeming to listen to Sam for a few seconds. A look of resignation hardened on his face. "Thank you. That is all I ask."

Turning back to the humans, he first looked at Nina. "Thank you, Dr. Carlton. Thank you for trying to help me. You're very good at what you do. Please . . . please keep looking after Bella."

Edward then wrapped Bella in a desperate hug, pressing her cheek to his chest with an urgency she'd never felt from him before. Though she wasn't exactly sure what was happening, she had an inkling what he was doing, leading her to start crying in his arms.

He whispered in her ear, "I love you, Bella. So much. You are the brilliant stars in my never-ending sky. You stay strong for me, alright?"

"No," she moaned.

He quelled her protests by kissing her deeply, intensely, making her go limp in his arms. "Stay strong," he urged, firmly setting her down. His jaw clenched, and his voice was resolute.

"Now go, both of you. They promised me they'd let you get to safety."

"No!" Bella yelled.

Edward's mouth trembled. "Go." He took sure steps back toward the awaiting wolves.

"No!" Bella screamed, yearning to rush forward but held in place by the fierce look in his eyes, a look of anguished goodbye.

He stopped when he was right in front of Sam, dwarfed by the huge wolf.

Bella sobbed as the wolves circled the vampire, their tails swishing in anticipation. "No," she cried.

Edward closed his eyes, waiting for the Quileutes to rip him apart.

**Author's Note:**

**The setting of a cliff seems to make me want to write repeated cliffhangers. Hmm . . . ;)**

**While it is a pleasure to write this fic, sadly I'm finding that the level of response to my story does influence my motivation to write. If you regularly review, thank you so much. If you're a lurker, would you consider leaving a comment about this chapter? I'd really appreciate it.**

**9/29/10 is the last day to enter the giveaway on my blog jenniferlanebooks(dot)blogspot(dot)com. I'm giving away two vampire books, one featuring a vampire named Edward in therapy! If you read this after 9/29, feel free to stop by the blog and say hello.**

**Take care, Jen**


	22. The Third Wives

**Wow, your response to the last chapter was so encouraging! I really appreciate the lovely comments about this story—you provided awesome motivation for me. Too bad I'm in the thick of some other projects or I could've written the next part sooner, especially after leaving you on such an evil cliffie. (If you recall, Edward was waiting to be killed by the wolves when I ended the last chapter, hee hee). **

**Special thanks go out to reviewer sweetmama77 for leaving a review for EVERY CHAPTER as she read (thanks, doll!), as well as reviewer Arabella_ for an idea I'm using this chapter. Finally, I appreciate LetMiSalive helping me with a Twerdish fact.**

**I do not own New Moon. **

22. The Third Wives

The wolves' collective growls made Edward's eyes snap open. Expecting to feel their sharp teeth tearing away at one of his limbs, instead he was surprised to find Nina glued to his side, glaring at the wolves circling them.

"Hey, idiot-boys!" she hollered, walking straight up to the black wolf. The top of her head came up to right under his chin, and he stared down at her menacingly. "Sam Uley, I take it you're the leader of this little pack. What the _hell_ are you thinking? Your great-grandfather wrote this treaty to keep the tribe safe from the cold ones - to keep us safe from their threat . . ."

She reached out and placed her hand on Edward's shoulder, causing Edward to flinch and Jacob to growl more vociferously.

"Exactly how is this cold one threatening you right now?" Nina challenged. "He only came here to try to save Bella's life. I think you'd want Bella to be safe and alive, wouldn't you? You should be _thanking_ Edward, not trying to kill him!"

She let go of the vampire and then stormed over to Jacob. The russet wolf backed up a few steps at her approach, his auburn fur bristling on his spine. "Jacob Black, I know there's bad blood between our families. I'm so sorry for what happened to Billy - I'm haunted by my father causing that accident too. But listen to me. _You_ should be most grateful of all to Edward. Bella told me you're her best friend. She told me you're the only reason she kept going after Edward left. How would you feel if she'd jumped off that cliff?"

Jacob's snout lowered an inch, looking chastised.

"That's right - you'd be devastated! Yet you don't seem to understand that Edward saved her from that! And now you're going to kill him? How do you think that'd make Bella feel, if you killed her lover? Do you think she'd ever forgive you?"

Jacob guiltily glanced to the spot Bella had been standing, and Nina's and Edward's gazes landed there too.

It was empty.

"Bella!" Edward roared, looking horrified. With a sinking sensation, his hunter's sense of smell turned his head to the cliff. Sure enough there she stood, perched on the precipice with her heels backed to the cliff's edge, a fierce look of determination on her face.

"Bella!" he cried again, suddenly finding himself running toward her - the wolves be damned. He arrived to the cliff in two seconds. He'd slowed as he neared her, and had just reached out to grab her to safety when a furry wall of hot muscle slammed into him, knocking him on his back.

Edward instantly sprung back on his feet, hissing ferociously. Jacob prowled between him and Bella, his rippling growls making her shudder.

_Stay away from her!_ Jacob yelled.

Edward's vision narrowed, ignoring Jacob and peering around the massive wolf into Bella's huge brown eyes. "Bella, don't jump. This isn't your fight, love."

Jacob looked back and forth from Edward to Bella, deciding to focus on the vampire. _You've done this to her!_ he yelled at Edward. _You turned her suicidal!_ Abruptly he lowered his snout and charged Edward, who adeptly shuttled to the side in an evasive maneuver, causing Jacob to careen past him.

Bella gasped from the close call and took a slight step back. "Stop! If you hurt Edward, I'll jump! I'll do it!"

Jacob whipped his snout around, looking surprised by her words.

"Stop it, Jake!" she pleaded, beginning to sob. "It's my fault Edward's here. Please. He just came back to me . . . don't make me lose him again! Don't hurt him. Please."

"He's not going to touch me. Come to me, Bella," Edward coaxed.

She then turned to Edward, her eyes accusatory. "You were going to let them kill you? You promised you wouldn't leave me ever again!"

Sam, Paul, and Embry had arrived near the cliff, followed by the slower human among them. Nina was already breathing hard from running, but seeing Bella so close to the cliff's edge further impaired her intake of oxygen.

"Bella Swan!" Nina said breathlessly. "Step away from that cliff. I promised Charlie I'd make sure you got home safe."

_Charlie,_ Bella thought, cringing. Here she was again letting him down. But there'd be no way she'd stand by idly while the wolves killed Edward. "Not unless _he_ backs off," Bella replied, pointing to the Jacob.

Jacob's black eyes looked wounded.

Nina turned to glare at Sam. "You heard her! Move everyone back."

"Yes," Edward agreed, his voice smooth and low, fixing a glower on Sam. "Get control of your guard dog."

Jacob's deafening barks drowned out the faint drone of an airplane circling in the distance.

_Once Bella's safe_, _we're back to dealing with the treaty violation,_ Sam said.

"Of course," Edward replied gallantly over the din of Jacob's yawps.

Jacob's barks halted, quickly replaced by a whinnying noise as his large paws were pulled backwards, retreating. Once he reached the rest of the pack, Sam sharply nuzzled his shoulder, practically lifting Jacob off his feet. Rebuked, Jacob sat with a huff.

Edward warily faced Bella, cautiously taking in her every move. "It's okay," he said softly. "They're not going to hurt me. They promised."

The drone of the plane engine increased in volume.

Bella trembled in the breeze, her clothes still wet from the earlier rain. Her eyes were fearful as she studied him closely.

Her mesmerizing scent wafted to Edward, and he inched closer. He hoped the rock was solid beneath her feet since he wasn't sure he could get to her quickly enough if she fell.

Edward's eyes cautiously locked onto hers. "You don't have to do this, Bella. I'm safe, alright? You don't have to sacrifice yourself for me, brave girl. Come to me."

"No," she cried. "Once I walk forward, they'll try to kill you."

"They won't," Edward assured her, glancing at the black wolf. "Right, Sam?"

Sam stood still as a block of stone, considering what to do. Jacob fought the urge to dash to Bella's side and somehow scoop her onto his back, taking her far away from the bloodsucker. Jacob couldn't believe she'd fallen prey to the vampire's conniving mind tricks, convincing her she loved him. He had to get her away from that lecherous leech.

Nina looked to her left, doing a double take when she watched a small twin-engine Cessna make its approach to a flat expanse of land between the cliff and forest. She gaped at the small aircraft, buffeted by winds from the sea, attempting to land on the makeshift runway.

Edward was still for a moment, then nodded with a faint smile. "I guess he finally finished his pilot training in Alaska."

Distracted momentarily from her mission to save him, Bella stared quizzically at Edward.

"Cooler minds will prevail," Edward told Sam. "Carlisle's just arrived to discuss the treaty."

On cue, the plane came to a stop from its harrowing landing and six vampires tumbled out, running in a dead sprint to the group near the cliff. Carlisle stuffed the headphones into the cockpit and grabbed Esme's hand, running slightly behind Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie.

Nina's jaw went slack, watching the blur of movement. She felt slightly woozy from the supernatural show.

If they were angry about _one_ vampire on their lands, the Quileutes were enraged about seven cold ones bearing down on them. They were on all fours, pacing, violent rumbling in their throats.

Alice arrived first, staring with amazement at the wolves and then frantically scanning the area around them. Her voice was urgent. "Where is she?"

Edward squinted at her, struggling to hear his sister's thoughts over another small voice competing for his attention. "_Who?_" Alice wasn't referring to Bella, right? He glanced at Bella, and froze.

Edward's lips parted, his ochre eyes glowing with a horrified pall.

Behind Bella there was a flash of fiery orange-red, coming up the cliff face behind her, hovering around her head like the setting sun. However, there was nothing warm or natural about this flaming orange.

_Mate for a mate_. The voice now flooded his mind, the vicious words incongruous with the tinkerbell voice.

Edward lunged for Bella, managing to rip her away from the cliff's edge a nanosecond before Victoria had seized her in her claws.

Bella gasped as Edward deftly spun her behind him, now able to see the reason he'd snatched her up so forcefully.

"I _want_ her!" Victoria trilled, the babyish tone of her voice making Bella gape at her. _This_ was the vengeful vampire who'd been tracking her all these months?

Edward crouched lower, straining to read her next move. Paul and Jacob paroled the perimeter of the group, growling deeply and menacingly.

Frozen still up to this point, Nina numbly stepped backwards, her eyes glued on Victoria. She gasped for breath as her mind flashed through haunting images from the past. Her field of vision clouded over, filling with fuzzy black spots, and she felt her head flop back, weightless and floating.

Carlisle was the only one who noticed Nina crumpling to the ground, unconscious. He was by her side in a flash, holding her wrist and checking her vitals, murmuring, "Dr. Carlton?" Esme quickly joined him, kneeling down next to the psychologist.

Victoria's red eyes shifted from right to left, seeking to exploit a weakness in the Cullen defense but quickly realizing she was outnumbered. She wondered what the hell the stinky dogs were doing there. Feinting left, she frowned when Edward mirrored her move, obviously intent on protecting the fragile human tucked behind him.

A lower female voice, strong and clear, rang out. "Get away from Bella, you _bitch!_"

Edward and Bella looked right to identify the source of that voice, finding Rosalie stepping forward, snarling at Victoria. Her flaring golden eyes matched the hue of her flowing long blond hair.

Rosalie leaped forward and crashed into the red-head with a rock-hard crunch, sending both females flying off the cliff to the ocean breakers below. Emmett immediately followed, whooping with delight as he dived off the cliff. There'd be no way he'd let Rosie have all the fun by herself.

Paul and Embry tore off to the forest, with Jacob trailing after them but stopping a hundred yards away when he looked back and found that Sam hadn't followed. Jacob seemed to be awaiting further instructions from his Alpha, but when he noticed Nina lying on the ground, he began galloping back to the cliff.

"Carlisle?" Jasper pleaded, gesturing to the ocean.

Looking up from Nina's prone body, Carlisle nodded. "Go. Follow them." He glanced at Alice. "Should you go too?"

Alice's face was a mask of concentration, and she finally nodded, grimacing. "I can't see anything! But we'll make sure she doesn't sneak back here. C'mon, Jazz." Bella watched them both take graceful dives off the cliff, in awe of their combined strength and elegance.

Still shaking, Bella turned around and emitted a strangled cry upon seeing Nina on the ground. Edward appeared equally upset and both of them rushed toward her. Bella asked Carlisle, "Is she okay?"

"It appears so," Carlisle confirmed, resting her hand on her abdomen. "I imagine she became a bit overwhelmed, surrounded by all these vampires and shape-shifters."

The leader of said shape-shifters growled softly, demanding to be heard.

Carlisle stood, meeting the black wolf's eyes.

Edward translated for the alpha. "They're going a bit north, down to the beach, hoping to cross paths with Victoria once she leaves the water."

"That sounds like an excellent plan," Carlisle said amicably, then stood up a little taller, his tone more formal. "I imagine we'll have much to discuss about the treaty afterwards, once we neutralize Victoria, together."

There was a slight narrowing of Sam's shiny black eyes.

Edward continued listening to Sam, and translated his command "Jacob will stay to protect the humans." He frowned as he said the words aloud.

Satisfied that the situation was under control, Sam bounded off in the direction of the forest.

Edward cradled Bella's elbow as he led them backwards, away from Nina, while Jacob simultaneously trotted forward, coming to rest next to Nina. Glaring at Edward, Jacob slowly sat back on his haunches, his large ears pointed up on alert.

"Esme and I will go south to prevent her from doubling back," Carlisle announced.

"I'm not sure that's a wise idea," Edward argued, glancing at Jacob, "Not with a wild puppy in our presence. It's not safe for Bella or Nina."

_We're not the ones that kill people,_ Jacob snarled.

"We're not either," Edward replied.

_Sure, sure._ Jacob gave a pointed look to Bella and then returned his hateful stare to Edward. _You're just the one that makes people want to kill themselves._

Edward winced and looked down, causing Bella to grasp his granite arms and gaze up into his tortured face. "What did he say to you?"

His jaw hardened. "The truth."

Hearing the heartbreak in Edward's voice, Bella leaned into him and pressed her cheek against his marble chest, clasping her small arms around his waist.

He closed his eyes for a moment, drinking in her fragrant bouquet.

A faint whine escaped from Jacob.

"So you'd like us to stay, then, Edward?" Carlisle asked.

"No, you're right," Edward said, opening his eyes. "It'd be safer to protect the south flank. And Jacob promises to be on his best behavior."

The wolf made a derisive coughing sound.

Esme stepped forward, cradling Edward's face in her hand. "It's so good to see you. I've missed you." She clasped Bella's shoulder. "You too, Bella."

She wasn't sure if it was Esme's warm smile or the accumulated stress from the past hour, but Bella felt herself welling up in tears. "Please . . . please don't leave without saying goodbye this time, Esme. I can't take it."

Esme looked saddened, searching Edward's eyes. "Hopefully there won't be any more leaving, this time."

A short growl erupted from the wolf behind them.

Stifling a grin, Edward told them, "Jacob wishes there'd be a _lot_ more leaving, especially when it involves our family."

As Edward lightly swiped the tears from her cheeks, Bella scowled. "Quiet, Jake. _Nobody's_ leaving."

Esme smiled at the couple. "It makes me so happy to see you together again." She gently patted Edward's cheek and then turned to her husband, nodding.

Carlisle and Esme sprightly jogged away, covering an enormous distance in mere seconds.

A faint groan floated up from Nina's mouth, drawing Edward and Bella closer despite Jacob's proximity.

Nina felt an intense source of heat at her side, and with her eyes still closed, she reached out to encounter a handful of rough fur. "I thought it might have been a dream," she mumbled sleepily, still drifting in an altered state of consciousness. Her hand smoothed down the fur in a repeated motion, finding comfort from petting the wolf.

Feeling the softness of her brown hand stroking his fur, Jacob found himself strangely comforted as well. A soft rumble, close to a purring sound, arose involuntarily from his throat.

Nina smiled dreamily. "I remember when I used to babysit you, Jacob, when you were playing on the beach. You were still in diapers, but Adam had just gotten potty-trained . . ."

She sat up with a start, nervously scanning the area near the cliff. "Is she gone?"

Edward tilted his head, studying the psychologist. "Who?"

"The red-head!"

Bella felt frightened by the look of terror in Nina's obsidian eyes. "Victoria? Do you know her?"

All blood had drained from Nina's face. "I've seen her before."

**Author's Note:**

**There were like one thousand characters in this chapter so I hope it wasn't too confusing!**

**Any guesses about what Nina is remembering? Thank you for reading and reviewing. :)**


	23. Victoria

**I promise there will be NO cliffhangers at the end of this chapter! :-)**

23. Victoria

"You've seen her before?" Bella asked Nina. "How do you know Victoria?"

Feeling woozy, Nina blinked several times then tried to sit up.

Worriedly watching how unsteady Nina continued to appear, Bella wanted to go to her, which would draw her closer to the huge russet wolf at Nina's side. But Edward clamped onto Bella's elbow, holding her in place.

"Not a wise idea," Edward said softly.

Jacob glared wolfishly at Edward. _Why don't you just put Bella on a leash, leech?_

Edward sighed. "Pardon the interruption, Dr. Carlton." He gave Jacob a disdainful look. "Leashes are only for dogs, such as yourself. How about you shift to your human form so everyone can hear your ridiculous words?"

Bella looked up at Edward. "Jacob can shift back to human?"

"Of course," Nina said, earning a look of relief from Bella.

Jacob gave an indignant yelp, staring at Bella with wounded black eyes. _Don't you remember the legends I told you about?_

"She can't hear you, Jacob." Edward shooed him away, giving a dismissive little wave with his hand. "Go shift. I've grown weary of translating for you."

A low, rumbling growl erupted from the back of Jacob's throat.

Bella gazed up at him. "I'll be okay, Jake. Please? I want to talk to you."

That was all it took for Jacob to spin around and gallop into the nearby copse of pine trees. Edward hoped to high heavens he had some clothes waiting for him there.

Nina shook her head a bit, seeming to slough off her prior stupor. "That's fascinating," she said. "You can hear the wolves' thoughts, Edward?"

"Yes, ma'am." He shared an awkward look with Bella.

"He can read _everybody's_ thoughts," Jacob interjected, swiftly arriving back to the group wearing only a tattered pair of jean shorts, a few unraveling threads hanging off the hem.

Bella and Nina couldn't help but stare at his well-defined pectorals, marveling at the boy's chiseled upper body.

Edward rolled his eyes.

"_Everyone's_ thoughts?" Nina asked.

"But not mine," Bella countered. "He said my mind works differently from others."

Nina paled. "You can read my mind, then? You, you've been reading my mind?"

Edward looked uncomfortable. "I apologize I couldn't let you know sooner, Dr. Carlton. Actually, though, I can only hear your thoughts part of the time."

"Really?" Nina looked perplexed. "Why is that, do you think?"

Edward gazed into her caring eyes. "I have a theory . . ."

"Okay, people," Jacob butted in. "As much as I'd love to sit around and discuss theories about the bloodsucker's mind invasion, we got bigger fish to fry. As in the orange-haired demon that wants to kill Bella. She's still floating around somewhere, until the pack gets to her."

"If my family doesn't get to her first," Edward said.

Jacob snorted. "Whatever." He turned to Nina. "You said that you know her? Victoria?"

Nina frowned. "I don't _know_ her. I just . . . I've seen her before."

"When?" Jacob stepped closer. "Was it a couple of weeks ago? I thought I only smelled _one_ leech-"

"It wasn't in La Push," Nina interrupted. "It was in San Diego." She felt her face flush and her stomach twist. Feeling the urge to get away from those memories, she tried to press herself to a standing position.

Observing her falter, both Edward and Jacob instinctively rushed to her, steadying her before she fell.

"Back off," Jacob said through his teeth.

Edward ignored him and helped Nina back to the ground. "You're still lightheaded," he told her. "It appears that speaking about Victoria is quite distressing to you."

Nina gave him a wry look, wondering who was the psychologist and who was the client in this scenario.

"You, you used to live in San Diego, right?" Jacob asked, towering over her with his hands on his hips.

Edward had retreated a few steps, and he glanced at Bella, gesturing for them to take a seat on the grass to be more polite. Once they were eye level with Nina, Jacob took the hint and also squatted down too.

Bella snuggled into Edward's chest, leading him to wrap his arm around her shoulders. Jacob watched the exchange, a naked wounded expression in his eyes, and put a bit more distance between himself and the group before sitting down on his rear end.

Feeling Bella tense next to him, Edward knew it bothered her to see Jacob hurting. However, she wasn't bothered enough to leave Edward's side. Bella's warm, fragrant curves molded nicely around the hard planes of his torso. It seemed she wasn't going to let him out of her sight.

"Yes, we lived in San Diego," Nina finally said.

Edward offered, "You don't have to tell us if you'd rather not."

Nina gave a faint smile. "You've probably already read my memories, anyway."

Edward glanced down. He'd indeed seen the images flashing through her mind. It was precisely why he'd given her an out from having to speak them aloud.

Bella met Nina's gaze, and Nina told her, "You asked me once how I knew about the nightmares . . . the nightmares about searching for somebody you love, looking high and low, desperately searching, but never finding him . . ."

Bella's brown eyes shone in the fading daylight, and she shivered. Edward squeezed her tighter, feeling full of self-hatred.

"Well," Nina said, "San Diego is where those nightmares began for me. It's only fair I share my story with you, after you bravely opened up to me." She glanced at Jacob. "And you, Jacob . . . you deserve to know what happened to your friend."

He fidgeted his gangly limbs, mimicking the body language of a teenage boy much more closely the stolid calm shown by Edward. "Adam," Jacob murmured.

"Adam," Nina repeated, swallowing. "He was a beautiful swimmer."

"A cliff diver?" Jacob asked, shooting Bella a pointed look.

"No," Nina said. "Not a diver. A swimmer. A competitive swimmer." She sighed, looking wistful. "We were on Coronado Island one morning . . ."

*o*o*o*

Nina felt goosebumps prickling her arms, and she slid on her jacket. She looked out to the murky horizon, wishing the fog would burn off but knowing the sun didn't typically come out until late morning in what passed for autumn in San Diego.

Glancing at the frothy waves rolling in, sending their icy spray into the air, she turned and frowned at her son. "I can't _believe_ you're getting in that water, cold as it is."

"That's what wetsuits are for." Adam grinned, tugging the smooth black rubber material up to his waist, hopping a couple of times to get himself seated in the tight suit.

Adam's teammate Josh was having even more trouble pulling on his wetsuit. Josh, a high-school junior, was going through a growth spurt and had gained four inches in as many months. Adam, only a sophomore, was extremely jealous of his friend.

Nina smirked, "Looks like you'll need a bigger size suit, Josh."

Josh halted his struggle for a second. "My mom's gonna kill me. These are like two-hundred bucks."

Adam turned his back to Nina, speaking over his shoulder. "Mom, will you zip me up?"

She grasped the sturdy zipper and closed up the wetsuit. Handing him the trailing tail of the zipper so he could tuck it into the collar, she leaned in and whispered, "Don't worry. You'll be taller than Josh in no time."

Adam reached down to grab his goggles, and when he stood again, Nina could detect a faint smile.

"Here, I'll help," Adam said, stepping over to Josh. After Josh sucked in his waist and Adam strained and grunted, the wetsuit managed to get zipped.

"Yes!" Adam did a fist-pump in the air.

"Yeah, really great," Josh complained. "'Cept I can't breathe."

Adam gave him a sympathetic look. "Your balls squashed in there, dude?"

Darting his eyes toward Nina, Josh appeared horrified by that comment.

Accustomed to Adam's lack of couth, Nina did her best not to look at either boy.

Laughing, Adam said, "C'mon, numb nuts, let's get our workout in."

Both boys headed to the ocean, but Adam swiveled around before they got too far. "You'll be alright here, Mom?"

Nina smiled, holding aloft a self-help book she wanted to preview for her clients, _The Joy of Stress_. "Got a book - I'll be fine."

Reading the title, Adam shook his head. "You need help. Serious help." He laughed even harder, spinning around and dashing toward the pounding surf with a bloodcurdling yell.

His swift pace made him rush past a couple strolling on the beach, forcing them to halt so they didn't crash into him, and Nina cringed at his rude behavior. The woman in the couple had a mass of copper-colored hair, and seemed almost to take a fighting stance as Adam sprinted past her.

Nina's forehead creased - had the redhead actually _hissed_ at her son?

Josh loped behind Adam, whose yells were swallowed by the water once he began his powerful strokes through the waves. Passing by the couple, Josh opted to head straight for the icy waves instead of meeting the redhead's cold glare, and it sounded like Numb Nuts morphed into Blue Balls from the screech he emitted upon hitting the water.

Nina watched her son and his teammate stroke away from her, parallel to the beach, and soon they were out of sight. She sighed, trying to suppress her worry. She wasn't sure about this new coach who insisted his swimmers enter an open water race at the end of the month, forcing the team to take a dip in the ocean whenever they had the chance to gain experience outside a pool. It seemed awfully dangerous to her.

She was about to sit down on the beach blanket when she instinctively looked up, finding the couple still standing stock-still near the water. With consternation she realized the blond-haired man and his feisty companion seemed to be staring straight at her while speaking quietly to each other. Nina groaned, predicting she was about to get a lecture for her son's rude behavior.

But the couple stayed planted on the beach, and their total lack of movement made Nina feel uneasy. Something seemed off about them, leading her to scan the area around her. Noticing there wasn't anyone nearby, with the Hotel Del some distance behind her, obscured by fog, Nina shivered again.

Studying the couple more closely, she realized the reason they didn't seem quite right. They were dressed for a summer day, and it was only in the high fifties. The redhead wore an army-green tank-top, revealing lean freckled arms, yet didn't seem to feel cold at all. In fact, she hardly moved. The man was also sans outerwear, and had almost a feral look about him.

Nina watched them take a longing look to the water, seeming to be staring in the direction the boys had swum, then sneak a look back at her. They appeared to be arguing, though Nina couldn't hear their voices. Suddenly the redhead trilled a lilting laugh, playfully shoving the man, who stood still as if she hadn't touched him. The next thing Nina knew, the couple was walking toward her.

She braced herself.

"Nina!"

She spun around to see her husband running in her direction, calling her name. He was dressed in his Navy uniform and she could see a few more Navy men lingering behind him, closer to the parking lot.

Nina instantly felt relieved once he arrived to the beach blanket. "I thought you had to work today, John?"

"Not anymore!" His tanned face lit up with enthusiasm, reminding her of their son. "The commander called off the project, so I'm free!"

She glanced at the other men waiting impatiently, their hands jammed into the pockets of their khaki uniform jackets. Studying her husband closely, she ventured, "But you're not going to spend you unexpected free time with us today, huh?"

John blushed. "Well . . ."

"Let me guess. You're going . . . hunting?"

He nodded, grinning. "You know me well, Neen. We're just going to the mountains for a few hours. That's what I love about this city, being so close to the mountains _and_ the beach . . ."

John had swept his arm in the direction of the ocean, but frowned when he saw the couple frozen near the water, staring at him ominously. "Take a picture, it lasts longer," he muttered under his breath.

There was no way the couple could've overheard him, but they abruptly turned and walked in the other direction. John squinted at their departing figures, asking his wife, "What's _their _deal?"

Nina sighed. "Oh, Adam was running into the water, not paying attention as usual, and he practically mowed them down."

Scowling, he said, "I'll talk to him later, remind him to behave."

"_I'll_ talk to him about it," Nina promised. "Anyway, I bet the couple wanted to say something to me about Adam, but your uniform scared them off."

He looked wounded. "My _uniform_? It wasn't my uniform, babe. It was my muscles."

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that must be it. What was I thinking?"

John reached for her, drawing her flush to his body. She looked into his twinkling eyes, their blue reminiscent of the unremitting ocean breakers currently providing a rumbling, whooshing soundtrack for their embrace.

Still smiling, he said, "I'll tell you what you were thinking. You're glad I told you about my hunting trip, like you asked me to, and you'll miss me when I'm gone."

"You sound pretty sure of yourself, Lieutenant Commander Carlton."

"Very sure." He leaned in to kiss her, and she hungrily met his smiling lips, melting into his strong frame.

When they heard some catcalls and whistles from the men near the parking lot, John pulled away, exhaling with a huff. "Can't a man get some privacy around here? I'm gonna kick their asses."

She smiled, reaching up to cradle the freshly shaved skin of his cheek. "Have fun hunting. Just don't kill anything."

He pouted. "Then what's the point?"

"Especially quails," she added.

"You and your totems." He slowly shook his head. "I'll try not to shoot any animal souls, okay?"

"Good. And if you do, don't tell me about it."

John grinned. "It's a deal, Dr. Carlton." He gave her another quick peck on the lips then ran off, sending sand spinning off the soles of his shiny black shoes.

She turned back to the ocean and finally settled down onto the blanket, holding her knees to her chest and gazing at the mesmerizing waves. She hoped Adam and Josh would return soon.

*o*o*o*

Bella, Edward, and Jacob were silent after listening to Nina's story. She sniffed and reached up to stroke her face, surprised to find wetness from tears.

Edward watched her guiltily. "Your husband's uniform saved your life."

Nina felt a chill go up her spine. "They were planning to kill me, weren't they? Victoria, and . . ."

"His name was James," Edward supplied, feeling Bella stiffen at his side. He took Bella's hand in his and drew it up to plant a tender kiss on her translucent skin.

Jacob cleared his throat. "His name _was_ James?"

"He no longer exists." Edward gave Bella's hand a squeeze and then traced the cool scar with his thumb. "He came after Bella, so we had to incinerate him."

Jacob looked enraged whereas Nina looked appalled.

"That action brought about Victoria's relentless pursuit of vengeance," Edward ruefully explained. "It brought her here." He added softly, "Mate for a mate."

Jacob narrowed his eyes. "You've put Bella in danger again and again!"

His face a mask of pain, Edward met his hostile stare. "I know." He turned to look at Bella, admitting in a low voice, "It's why I left."

Nina began slowly nodding, gaining a greater understanding of the dynamics of her clients' relationship.

"Leeches," Jacob muttered with a twinge of disgust. His glare reached Bella and Nina. "They almost killed you both, yet you still defend them. How can you _do_ that?"

"Jacob, I know you don't understand," Bella said. "Heck, _I_ don't understand most of the time. But that's the way it is. I want to be with Edward. I _have_ to be with him. And it's worth any risk."

Looking disgruntled, Jacob was clearly dissatisfied by that answer. His furious black eyes lighted on Nina. "But that doesn't explain you yelling at Sam earlier, trying to protect that bloodsucker."

Nina was struggling to find the right words to explain her actions when Edward interjected, "I imagine Dr. Carlton felt the need to protect her client."

Nina looked up with surprise at Edward.

Jacob huffed, "She's not protecting Bella by doing any favors for _you_."

"I wasn't talking about Bella," Edward countered. "The client I was talking about was me. I've started therapy with Dr. Carlton as well."

Watching Bella and Jacob's mouths drop, Nina tried to suppress a grin.

Bella turned to him. "Why are _you_ in therapy?"

Edward gave a disappointed laugh. "Isn't it obvious? I've been a complete fool when it comes to you. I thought leaving was the right thing to do, but I've made a proper mess of things. I have much to learn."

Jacob took this in, feeling deflated. Watching the sheer joy on Bella's face as the bloodsucker cradled her in his arms made it difficult for him to keep fighting. He tried redirection instead.

"Something's not sitting right about your Victoria story," Jacob told Nina. "Why would a Navy uniform prevent them from killing you? It's not like the military can stop leeches."

Edward looked grim. "James and Victoria had already killed quite a few sailors on the base early that morning. I saw it in James' mind, back when we first met. I saw all of his killings. They probably wanted to keep a low profile." He glanced at Nina. "But their bloodlust wasn't over that day. They got a swimmer too."

Jacob blanched. "Adam?"

Nina shook her head. "Not Adam. I would've gladly given my life to Victoria, if it could've saved Adam. But he was fine, then." She looked down, and her voice shook when she resumed speaking. "Josh was going to meet his parents for a meal at the Hotel Del, so he stayed behind when Adam and I left the beach." A sob escaped. "Josh was never heard from again."

Bella gasped. "Victoria killed Josh?"

Nina nodded. "I think so, especially now that I know what she is. All that was left of Josh was his wetsuit, that washed onto shore. The speculation was that he went back in for some more swimming, and somehow drowned."

The group was quiet.

Jacob's voice was low. "That must've been tough for Adam, to lose his friend."

Nina hadn't realized she'd begun crying again. Wiping her cheeks, she nodded. "Adam went into a deep depression . . . and he never came out of it. John and I did everything we could to help him with his grief, but I guess the survivor guilt was too strong. He stopped talking to us, avoided his friends . . . we felt like we were losing him." She gave a tortured sigh. "And then we did lose him. He killed himself."

Bella found herself tentatively crawling toward Nina, inching closer and closer. Through tears, Nina read the question in those lovely brown eyes staring up at her, and she answered with a nod.

Bella took the cue and opened her arms, enfolding Nina in a warm hug. Nina clung to Bella, seeming to cry harder as they held each other for several moments.

On either side of the embracing women, Edward and Jacob shared a knowing look. Bella's beautiful heart was one reason of many they were both fighting for her. Jacob was terrified of that precious heart stopping, and Edward was too.

"I'm sorry," Nina said once Bella let her go, dabbing at her eyes. "Some psychologist I am."

"But you taught me not to judge your feelings," Bella said, returning to Edward's side. "Don't be sorry."

"Of course you're upset," Edward added. "You felt a profound love for your son, and an acute loss upon his death. Seeing Victoria again triggered those feelings."

Nina looked off in the distance for several moments. "The saddest thing was that Adam didn't even get to enjoy his growth spurt. He grew so much that month after Josh died. He finally got to be the tall boy he wanted to be, but then he threw it all away."

Jacob's head tilted and his lips parted, intently studying Nina.

Feeling the heat of his stare, Nina turned to him. "What is it, Jacob?"

He squinted at her. "You're Harry's niece, right?"

"Yes."

Jacob's mouth opened wider. "You have the gene!"

Nina looked confused. "Wha . . . what do you mean? Nobody in my family's a shape-shifter."

"Sam told us, on our way over here!" Jacob exclaimed. "Seth Clearwater's starting to shift." His black eyes shot daggers at Edward. "When I heard that, it made me want to kill you even more."

"What does Edward have to do with it?" Bella demanded.

"Don't you get it, Bells?" Jacob hollered, rising to his feet. "Your little bloodsucker's responsible for _all_ of us changing! His family coming to Forks . . . it set off the wolf gene, just as sure as Victoria being around Adam made him start shifting."

"Wait, what are you saying?" Nina was an intelligent woman but her emotions were overwhelming her reason at the moment.

"I'm saying Adam didn't commit suicide!" Jacob bellowed. "At least not the way you think. He was becoming a, a . . . a _freak_, just like me, only he didn't have Sam to help him know what was happening. He probably didn't know how to handle it."

Nina's jaw unhinged as she took in the news. Adam had been transforming into a shape-shifter after crossing Victoria's path? Her son _hadn't_ committed suicide due to depression? She hadn't missed the signs?

She wasn't a horrible mother?

Nina thought she should be crying right now after discovering the truth about her son, but she didn't want to cry anymore. She'd done enough crying the past two years.

She quickly pushed herself up on her feet, not feeling an ounce of dizziness. Instead, her legs felt solid and strong beneath her. Edward and Bella also stood.

Taking a deep breath, Nina turned to Jacob. "You're wrong about one thing."

Jacob frowned. "Well, I can't say for sure that Adam was changing but it sounds right . . ."

"Not that," Nina said. "I think it's quite plausible that Adam was changing, like you say. And I thank you for helping me know the truth about my son. What I disagree with is you calling yourself a freak."

Jacob ducked his head.

"Jacob, look at me." Nina took a step closer as he lifted his eyes. "You protect our tribe. That's a beautiful thing - not freakish at all."

He still looked uncertain, sneaking a glance at the couple on the other side of Nina. In a trembling voice, he admitted, "Bella thinks I'm a freak."

Bella's forehead creased in protest as she stepped forward. "No I don't, Jake! I mean, it's taking me a while to get used to all of this, since I just found out about it . . ."

"You're not repulsed by me, being a monster and all?" Jacob had trouble looking at her.

She almost laughed, pointing to Edward. "Repelled by monsters? What do _you_ think?"

Edward raised his eyes to the heavens. "Quite the contrary. She's _attracted_ to monsters like a moth to the flame."

To prove her point, Bella ran to Jacob and wrapped her small arms around his thick waist. Surprised, Jacob hesitated a moment, and then curled his muscular arms around her, breathing deeply for the first time in days.

Nina observed Edward carefully watching the hug, seeming ready to pluck Bella away at any second. His nonchalant act didn't fool her at all.

"Can we be friends again?" Bella asked into Jacob's chest. She lifted her face up to look at him. "I've missed you."

He sighed. "I've missed you too, but I don't know. I don't know if I can."

She released her hold on him, and backed away a few steps. "Will you think about it? Please?"

Jacob nodded gravely. "I will."

Noticing the encroaching darkness, Nina glanced at her watch. "I'm supposed to make sure you get home, Bella. I'll drive you."

"Oh." She grimaced. "Charlie. Time to face the music." She gave Edward a hopeful look. "Will you come with me?"

One bronze eyebrow arched. "With Victoria on the loose out there somewhere? I'm not letting you out of my sight. Of course I'll accompany you."

"And I should check in with the pack," Jacob said. Observing Bella's look of sadness, he offered, "I'll walk you to the car."

Edward prevented himself from snapping back that a chaperone wasn't necessary.

As they reached Nina's car, Bella began to giggle.

Jacob scowled. "What could possibly be funny?"

"Charlie," she answered. "He wondered how you got so big so fast. He thought you were taking steroids. He thought Sam was your dealer."

The hard lines on Jacob's face softened, and a slow smile began spreading. "Steroids, huh?" He adopted a stance of a bulky weightlifter and a German accent reminiscent of Hans and Franz from Saturday Night Live. "Heah me now and listen to me layteh, little girly-mahn."

Bella giggled again. Nina watched him with a look of amusement, and even Edward cracked a grin.

Jacob continued the impression. "We're gonna pump-" he clapped then pointed at Bella "-you up!"

Nina clasped Jacob's elbow, smiling up at him fondly. "Thank you, Jacob. I think . . . I think you and Adam would've been friends."

His smile faded, and he gave an embarrassed nod before turning away and jogging to the trees.

Nina watched him go, then glanced at the teenagers. "Let's take you home, Bella."

Bella leaned back against Edward and he cradled her against his strong body. In his arms, she'd already found a home.

**Author's Note:**

**Okay, I know that's not the **_**real**_** definition of blue balls, but it seemed too fun a phrase not to insert there.**

**It was always curious to me why Edward didn't seem remorseful that Jacob and the pack lost their normal human existence because of the presence of the Cullen family near their lands. Did anyone else wonder about that? Maybe Edward figured he had no choice in becoming a vampire so he shouldn't be held responsible for the consequences of being one?**

**As always, I'd love to hear your impressions of the chapter!**


	24. Grounded

**Hi! Remember this story? I hope so!**

**Previously, in Mimiteh, Victoria appeared near the cliffs, trying to kill Bella. The Cullens and the wolfpack pursued her, leaving Edward, Bella, Jacob, and Nina to discuss Nina's past involvement with Victoria, costing her the life of her son.**

**Thank you for continuing to read and review!**

24. Grounded

Bella shot a nervous look at Edward in the back seat of Nina's Subaru. "Is Charlie home yet?"

Edward shook his head, and his answer was confirmed once they turned the bend and caught sight of her empty driveway.

Hearing Bella's loud sigh of relief, Nina chuckled softly. "You'll make it, Bella. Charlie's not that bad."

"You must not know him very well," she huffed.

Nina pulled the car in front of the Swan home. "So, Edward, you can read Charlie's mind too?"

"Not very clearly," Edward admitted. "I formerly thought the reason I couldn't hear Bella's thoughts was some sort of genetic anomaly." When the car came to a stop, he elegantly scooted out and held the door open while helping Bella climb out the same side. He clasped Bella's hand and glanced at Nina as they strode inside. "But when I couldn't read _your _mind at times, Dr. Carlton, I wondered if there might be something else at work as well."

Bella invited them both inside.

"Like what?" Nina asked.

"The fact that both of you take care of others so well, often at the expense of yourself."

"No I don't!" Bella protested.

"I don't either," Nina said. "I can be quite selfish."

As they sat in the living room, with Bella scrunched up against Edward on the sofa and Nina sitting in a side chair, Edward's eyes danced amusedly. "Right, you both only care about your own self-preservation." He fixed a stare on Nina. "Why, just thirty minutes ago you walked right up to a huge wolf and demanded he back down from killing a vampire on his land."

"But he was going to hurt you!" Nina said.

"He could've hurt _you_, Dr. Carlton," Edward responded. "Sam wanted blood."

When Nina continued to look skeptical, Edward then glared at Bella. "And _you_! Threatening to throw yourself off a cliff, just to save me? Where in Hades did you get that foolish idea?"

Bella blushed. "Well, it worked." She latched her elbow around his arm. "You're here."

His golden eyes bore into her. "You're here too. With me." His jaw clenched. "I'm so honored you're taking me back, after what I've done . . ."

"Don't," Bella said. "Don't talk about it. It's behind us now."

Nina wondered if that was indeed true. "Okay, Edward, so we both tried to stop your inane self-sacrifice to the wolf-pack. Anyone would've done the same thing."

"Not anyone," Edward countered. "Only selfless humans."

Nina continued to look perplexed. "But if we're so selfless, as you claim, how would that affect your mindreading?"

"I can only hear your thoughts when they're about you, Dr. Carlton. When you focus on your therapy client, you block me. It made me wonder what might be happening, and Jasper helped me figure it out."

Bella's eyes widened. "Jasper was here? How is he? Is he okay?"

"He's fine."

"I feel so bad for him."

Nina looked confused, so Edward explained, "Jasper is my brother."

"Why does Bella feel bad about him?" Nina asked.

Edward's eyes tightened. "Bella feels badly because Jasper almost killed her when she sustained a paper-cut."

As Nina tried to understand that logic, Edward added, "He tried to kill her, and she feels guilty about it. I rest my point about her lack of self-preservation."

Nina slowly nodded at Edward. "That's why you left, isn't it?"

His total stillness marked his inner turmoil.

Bella took his cool hand in hers, trying to think of a diversion. "Why was Jasper here?"

Edward took a shaky breath. "He attempted . . . to help you, when you were having nightmares. He tried to bring you some peace while you slept."

"Oh." Bella looked down. "Sorry."

He pursed his lips. "Don't you see, Bella? You're apologizing for something _I_ did. For the nightmares I rendered by leaving you. I can't read your thoughts because they're never directed inwardly - you never consider yourself first. You try to take care of me, Bella, but who takes care of you?"

She blinked several times. "You. You protected me from Jasper when he had a momentary lapse. You take care of me."

He scoffed, "I've failed miserably at that. Look at what's happened since I began trying to protect you. Utter ruin."

A little creased puckered in Bella's forehead, trying to discern why Edward was upset with himself.

"If I may," Nina quietly said, "I'd like to make a comment."

Still frowning, Edward stared at her, and Bella shrugged. "Fine with me."

"What Edward's saying is correct, Bella," Nina said. "It's healthy to balance taking care of yourself with taking care of others. Too bad Edward doesn't heed his own advice."

His eyes narrowed, and Nina caught a glimpse of the furious predator within. "Forgive me for butting in," Nina backtracked. "I'm just suggesting that the dependence you have on each other doesn't have to continue, if you don't want it to. If you want to avoid the past six months from happening again."

"Oh, yes," Bella exclaimed. "I could've definitely done without the last six months. How do we prevent it from happening again?"

Nina's smile was pleasant. "How about some couples therapy?"

Edward seemed startled by her suggestion. Thinking for a moment, he then leaned forward with a smirk. "Isn't that what we're doing right now?"

Nina noticed that the hard lines of his face had softened, and she smiled. "I suppose. I just can't help myself."

"I should've known you were up to something when your thoughts became unreadable," Edward said. "I should've known you were focusing your energy on taking care of us."

Bella asked Edward, "So why can you read her thoughts when she's thinking about herself, but you can't read mine at all?"

He looked at the psychologist. "Dr. Carlton, would you like to take that one?"

She paused. "Well, I don't know the finer points of mind-reading-" she winked at Edward "-but if I had to guess, I think it's because I've tried to do some work on myself. I've been through my own therapy, to heal from some painful things that have happened, and to learn how to take care of myself better. But I'm far from perfect."

Bella looked deep in thought.

Nina told her, "You could find that balance better too, you know."

"And perhaps then I could know what you were thinking," Edward said hopefully.

Bella pointed to her temple. "It's a scary place in there - you don't want to see it."

He grinned. "I think I could handle it." He brushed strands of her hair away from her cheek, leaving the cool trail of his fingertips down the side of her face, eliciting a little shiver up her spine.

Edward felt his cell phone vibrate and when he identified the caller, he said, "Excuse me" and answered the call. "Hello, Carlisle."

A storm cloud quickly settled over his handsome features.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

Still listening to his father, Edward seethed, "They lost Victoria."

Bella and Nina both felt alarmed.

"She's not coming here, is she?" Nina asked, looking worriedly at Bella.

Edward quickly ended the call, appearing perturbed. "No. Her scent is gone, but my family's still patrolling anyway. We won't let her get to you, Bella."

"I know. But what about the treaty violation?"

"It's fine," he said.

Noticing the very slight darkening of his eyes, Bella refused to accept that answer. "What did Carlisle say?"

She knew him so well. "He and Sam are meeting tonight at midnight."

"Good. Carlisle will make him see things straight." Bella studied Edward. "Why are you still mad?"

"I . . ." he started protesting and then realized the futility. "I'm not allowed to attend the meeting. Jacob isn't permitted to be there either. Carlisle said we're both 'agitators'. How could he compare me to that impulsive pup!"

At first Edward's indignant comment about Jacob made Nina smile, but then she thought about her son and sadness overtook her. Had he lived, Adam would've been the most impulsive wolf of them all. But just like Jacob, he would've protected Bella. He would've protected the tribe. He would've protected his mother. She swallowed, wistfully stroking the length of her neck. She deeply wished his death could have been prevented.

Her thoughts were interrupted when Edward got another call. He spoke so quickly when he answered that Nina couldn't follow, and Bella apparently was also in the dark given her puzzled glance.

Edward paused, frozen still, seeming to concentrate hard.

Bella figured out who was on the other line. "What does Alice see?"

Edward said something unintelligible and then closed the phone. "Apparently Victoria's on an airplane, so we know you're safe for now."

Bella bit her lip. "An airplane to where?"

"Alice couldn't see. Victoria might be changing her mind."

"Alice is in your family too?" Nina asked.

Edward nodded.

Nina guessed, "She, um, she sees the future?"

Bella smiled. "Edward and Alice are very talented."

"Sounds like it." Nina thought back to the past six months. "But why didn't Alice see that Bella was so depressed?"

Edward looked up and found both Nina and Bella staring at him. His voice was contrite. "I wouldn't let her."

Bella's head tilted to one side. "Then how'd she know I'd approach those men at the bar, that night you were there?"

"Surely you know Alice well enough by now to realize she's not so keen on following orders."

Bella began giggling. "Right. Should've figured that one out myself."

"Wait a minute," Nina said. "Bella, you know that Edward was there, outside the movie theater? You know he was there when you rode a motorcycle?"

"He told me," Bella answered. "Turns out I wasn't hallucinating, just like you said." Her lips parted. "Wait, Nina - you knew he was there too! No wonder you told me I wasn't crazy."

Nina nodded. "I couldn't let you think you were becoming psychotic when I knew he was right there, warning you to stop endangering yourself."

"But I wasn't speaking aloud," Edward said. "Bella could hear my thoughts."

Nina's eyebrows knitted together. "That's odd."

Edward studied her. "Odd? This entire situation is odd. _I'm_ odd. You seem to be taking this all in stride, Dr. Carlton."

She smiled at Bella. "Well, if Bella thinks you're okay, then I think you're okay. Bella's a good judge of character. I trust her."

Edward froze. "Speaking of reading minds . . . Charlie's here."

Immediately after his announcement came the sound of a car pulling into the driveway.

Nina frowned. "How do you know it's him? I thought you said you had trouble reading his thoughts."

Edward sat up straighter. "Not when those thoughts are shouted."

"Oh, no," Bella moaned, hearing the splash of his cowboy boot stomping a puddle near their front stoop.

Charlie burst through the front door, his gaze first lighting on Edward and turning into a glare. He opened his mouth to say something but then quickly looked at Bella, who peered up at him with a look of combined fear and remorse. "Sorry," she squeaked.

Her pathetic appearance was all it took for him to reach her in a few long strides, kneeling down and wrapping his arms around her tightly. "Bells" he breathed, his voice shaky. Charlie smelled her strawberry shampoo and for the first time that day his shoulders drooped, releasing all the tension carried by a single father police chief.

"Don't you do that ever again," he ordered.

"I won't," she promised.

Charlie pulled away, sending a pointed glare at Edward. "Not until _he_ leaves you again, at least."

Bella dropped her arms from his shoulders. "Dad!"

Charlie rose and Edward slowly stood as well, steeling himself. "It's alright, Bella. I deserve that."

"Damn right you do, Cullen. Do you know what you've done to my daughter?"

Edward's jaw clenched. "Yes, sir. I'll never forgive myself."

Bella stood up too. "Dad, this isn't his fault!"

"Bella, are you suffering from complete memory loss? He just waltzes back in town and you forget what you were like when he left? That night in the woods? You walking around in a coma afterwards?" Nina could see the pain in his deep brown eyes. "Well, I didn't forget."

Seeing that night in Charlie's memory, Edward winced. His tone was solemn. "I have a long way to go to earn back your trust, Chief."

Charlie squinted at him. "Who says stuff like that? No eighteen year-old I know. Besides, you'll never get back my trust. No way."

"Dad, listen to me - it wasn't Edward's fault I reacted the way I did. It was my over-dependence on Edward. Nina said so. She said I can get better though, if I work at it."

Charlie looked to his right, seeming to notice Nina for the first time.

Quiet up to this point, Nina stood as well.

"Thanks for bringing Bells home." Charlie stepped toward her and almost thrust his hand forward to shake hers but then seemed to think that was a stupid idea, leaving his hand fidgeting at his side. "Uh, I can't believe I didn't tell you this right away, but Harry . . ."

Nina softly gasped, preparing herself for news of her uncle's death.

"Harry's okay," Charlie finally said. "It was a heart attack, but we got to the hospital in-"

He was interrupted by Nina flying into his arms, almost knocking the wind out of him. "Thank you!" she cried, her face alight with joy. "Thank you so much, Charlie."

Surprised by the impromptu hug, his arms remained splayed open as she clung to him. Not knowing what else to do, Charlie slowly drew in his arms and embraced her, ineffectually patting her back a few times. "It was nothing, Neen." God, she smelled good. How long had it been since he'd hugged a woman? She fit so well in his arms. He found his hands gently pressing her closer to him, smoothing circles on her back, and he closed his eyes, wanting the moment to last just a little longer.

At first Bella smirked, watching her father's awkward attempts to receive Nina's hug, but her expression slowly changed, dawning into a look of realization. She glanced at Edward, who was watching her reaction closely.

Reading the question in her inquisitive brown eyes, he subtly nodded. Her lips parted with wonder. Her father and her psychologist? No, it couldn't be. But turning back to watch Nina let go of Charlie, a florid blush coloring her brown cheeks, Bella knew Edward had heard their amorous thoughts. She always thought she'd feel upset to see her father with another woman, but instead she felt giddy. Charlie deserved somebody in his life, and she couldn't think of a person better than Nina Carlton.

"So I guess I should go see Uncle Harry," Nina said, unable to hide her small frown. "And take my mother with me."

"Maybe you could help Sue, too," Charlie replied.

Nina nodded. "Almost losing your husband would indeed bring you to your knees."

Charlie shook his head. "Harry will be fine. It's Seth she's worried about. He started feeling bad at the hospital - turns out he's got an insanely high fever. They admitted him right away."

Nina exchanged a knowing look with Edward and Bella.

"The doctors thought he might have mono, just like Jake did," Charlie continued. "And then Sam came crashing in, demanding for them to release Seth." He looked angry. "That's taking this steroid thing too far - now Sam's trying to prevent the doctors from knowing what he's doing, force-feeding these kids steroids? Seth's grown about five inches in the past day, for heaven's sake."

Edward cautiously interjected, "I don't think Sam would do that, Chief Swan. He tries to protect others, not hurt them. Bella told me Sam found her in the woods that night, when I . . ." He grimaced, trying to find words.

Watching the fury spark in Charlie's eyes, remembering that night, Bella rushed to add, "Yeah, you can trust Sam, Dad. I'm know Jake's not taking steroids." She shrugged. "They're just big guys, all of them."

Charlie remained skeptical.

"It's true," Nina said. "My son Adam grew a lot when he was fifteen." She was amazed she could say his name and still remain standing. "It must be something about the tribe. Our ancestors were very tall men."

Charlie broke the awkward silence. "You've, uh, you've never talked about your son before. Harry told me that, uh, Adam . . ."

Nina felt her eyes misting over, but the panic she normally felt about her son had dissipated with the new understanding gleaned from the pack. "Adam died," she confirmed. "He had Bipolar Disorder, and he . . . he didn't know how to deal with it."

Charlie looked distraught, and he glanced at his daughter. Their brown eyes met, and Bella could feel the intensity of his emanating love for her. She felt even more ashamed of her suicidal phone message, knowing Charlie would have been completely devastated if she'd carried through on the threat.

"But Bella and Edward have helped me," Nina told Charlie. "They've helped me mourn the loss of my son. Jacob too."

Charlie looked puzzled. "You know Edward?"

Nina cleared her throat. "Well, yes, Bella has introduced us."

"Chief Swan," Edward said, "Dr. Carlton is going to see Bella and me for couples therapy. We want to prevent our separation from occurring once again."

Charlie's eyes bugged out, sneaking a glance at Nina. "Couples therapy?"

"Yes, sir," Edward said, "if that's okay with you?"

"Okay with me?" Charlie raged. "No, that's not okay with me!"

"Dad!" Bella cried. "I'm eighteen years old. I don't need your permission to go to therapy!"

Charlie looked confused. "I thought you hated therapy."

"I _did_, but, Nina's really helped me, and . . ." She peeked up at Edward. "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to go to therapy if Edward's there with me?"

The father's hands found their way to his hips. "Well, you can forget about going _anywhere_, young lady, 'cause you're grounded."

Bella blushed, looking away.

Nina pressed her lips together. "You're grounding Bella for threatening suicide?"

Charlie looked over at her, appearing flummoxed. "Well . . . not really . . . more for scaring the hell out of me, and, and, you. She's obviously not safe, leaving the house!"

"Charlie," Nina began, softly approaching him. "I agree there should be consequences for Bella's behavior. But counseling is usually one of them, to try to help her with her depression. You won't let her attend counseling?"

Charlie stroked his chin, sending Edward the evil eye while doing so.

"I mean, of course, you're her parent and you know best," Nina added.

"I can't think right now," Charlie said, "I'm still recovering from my only daughter threatening to kill herself." He honed in on Bella with a menacing look. "You and I are going to talk about this. Alone."

Bella nodded, trying to be brave.

"And then you're calling your mother."

"Dad!" she whined.

"I spent the whole car ride to the hospital talking her down after that phone call she got from you. You're explaining all of this to Renee too."

Bella took a deep breath. "Okay."

Edward ignored Charlie's glare and gently clasped Bella's hand in his, smoothing his marble thumb over her pale skin.

The sound of a revving engine interrupted their discussion. As the rumble neared the house, Charlie strode to the front door. Opening it, he squinted out to the driveway. "What the . . .?"

Peering more closely outside, he growled, marching out the door. "Where the heck's your helmet, Jake?"

Bella gasped, flitting over to the doorway. Looking outside confirmed the horror she'd begun to feel. Jacob had rolled up to the driveway in her red Harley Davidson.

Jacob sat on her motorcycle, shooting her a satisfied grin as he revved the engine one more time, waiting for Charlie to approach.

Edward and Nina came up behind Bella, and Edward placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her. They all watched Jacob and Charlie exchange some tense words.

Nina whispered, "I tried to go to bat for you, Bella, but I think you're definitely grounded now."

Bella nodded forlornly.

Charlie spun around and saw the three in the doorway. Even from that distance, Bella could see the veins in his neck throbbing. His roar wasn't hard to hear, either.

"ISABELLA SWAN!"

**Author's Note:**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. How long do you think Charlie should ground Bella?**


	25. Bless

**It's been so long since I wrote Twilight fan fiction that I almost gave Edward a BMW instead of a Volvo in this chapter! Hee hee.**

**Sorry for the long delay. I've been consumed by novel writing and editing, but I'm determined to finish this story. When we last left off, Edward and Nina were so relieved Bella didn't jump off the cliff. They survived aborted attacks by Victoria and the wolves. Jacob brought Bella's motorcycle over to the house and Charlie was livid.**

**Enjoy!**

25. Bless

_I set out on a narrow way_

_Many years ago  
Hoping I would find true love_

_Along the broken road  
But I got lost a time or two  
Wiped my brow and_

_Kept pushing through  
I couldn't see how every sign_

_Pointed straight to you_

"_Bless the Broken Road"_

Rascal Flatts

Edward checked his collar one last time, relieved to find the polo shirt's corners crisp and even. Softly he knocked on the front door.

"_Coming!_" he heard from the top of the stairs, Bella's voice sounding strained. Edward smirked, knowing the reason for her concern, hearing Chief Swan's disdainful thoughts a second before Bella's father wrenched open the door.

_You can 'Yes, sir' me to death, Cullen, but I'll never forget what happened when you left my girl._

"Hello, Chief," Edward said, unfailingly polite.

Charlie gave him the once-over. "Edward."

"Dad!" Bella came up behind her father, her big brown eyes apologizing for failing to arrive to the door first. Charlie barely gave her an inch as she tried to squeeze in between him and the door frame.

Edward smiled, noticing her flushed cheeks. "Are you ready, Bella?"

"Therapy." She grimaced. "Oh, boy. Want to come in for a couple of minutes?"

Watching Charlie scowl at that suggestion, Edward shook his head. "We don't want to be late."

Charlie fixed a stern stare on Edward. "Bring Bells home right after the appointment."

"But Dad, I'm not grounded, right?"

He turned to her. "It's a school night."

"C'mon, Dad. I'll be fine — we'll be with Nina."

His face softened. "Well then, don't be out too late."

Edward said, "Yes, sir," hearing muttering in Charlie's head.

Bella wriggled out from behind her father, scooping Edward's hand in hers as they made their way to his Volvo.

Edward closed the passenger side door once she was safely inside, then respectfully backed the sleek vehicle out the driveway. Once he was clear of the house, the engine gunned under his firm press of the accelerator. He frowned. "Your father still doesn't trust me."

"He'll get there. Nina's working on him."

"How did she convince him not to ground you?"

One corner of her mouth slid up. "She told him doing daredevil stunts was how I coped with my depression over you leaving. It was the only way for me to feel alive. Now that you're back, I don't need to take risks like that anymore. I promised Charlie I wouldn't touch a motorcycle again."

"Wow." He let his high-performance tires hug the curve, undeterred by the coating of rain on the streets. "Dr. Carlton's quite intelligent."

"Yup." Bella nodded. "And when Charlie thought about it, he was angriest with Jake. He lit into him for teaching me how to ride a motorcycle, especially considering how Jake's own dad got paralyzed in a motorcycle accident. Charlie said it was completely reckless and stupid."

Edward reached out to tuck strands of warm brown hair behind her ear. "It was."

She sighed.

Guilt ghosted his stone features. "You love pursuing crazy ventures, risking your life for others. That's why I'll never leave your side again."

She thought about that for a second. "Even for my human moments?"

Edward chuckled. "Hmm. Maybe I'll let you go then." He mentally replayed their conversation. "That promise I just made to you . . . . it was rather codependent. Allow me to try again." His feral, other-worldly eyes locked on hers. "Bella, I promise to love you and devote myself to you for as long as we both desire to be together. I'll communicate the best I can, and give you space when you need it."

Now Bella was chuckling. "You've listened well in our sessions, Mr. Cullen. Nina couldn't have said it better herself." A crease slowly lined her forehead. "And it figures you're perfect at therapy too. What _don't_ you do well?"

*o*o*o*

"Lieutenant Commander Carlton."

Nina paused, hearing her ex-husband's unassailable voice. She clutched her office phone a little tighter. "Hi, John."

Uneasiness crept into his tone. "Nina."

"You're back from assignment?"

"Been back a couple weeks. We kicked butt as usual."

She smiled, picturing his broad grin as he stood proudly in his uniform. "That's my Navy man."

When the silence grew between them, John asked, "So, uh, what's up?"

Glancing at the picture frame on her desk, Nina reached for the photo of Adam taken days before his death. Wearing his team sweats, her son was tall and muscular with shiny black hair. Though she'd snapped the photo on the pool deck — one of Adam's favorite places — his eyes were melancholy and hollow. Stroking the pad of her thumb across the frame's glass, she realized how much Adam looked like Jacob in that moment. The flecks of pain in his deep brown eyes resembled Jacob the most. _I wonder if Adam thought of himself as a monster too._

Finally Nina spoke. "John, I know you're busy. Um . . . I just wanted to ask . . . will you forgive me?"

"For what?"

She let out a breath. "For Adam killing himself."

His voice was tight. "I thought _you_ blamed _me_."

"I don't. I've always blamed myself, for not seeing the signs . . . but I was too scared to admit it. And now . . ." She considered what she'd learned about the tribe, discovering Adam had likely endured the frightening change to shape-shifter all alone. Nina swallowed. "I wish I could've stopped him."

John drew in a shaky breath. "I miss him."

"Me too." She pressed the frame against her chest, feeling the dull thud of her heart.

"I can't forgive you, Nina . . . because I never blamed you. Adam was sick. He had a mental illness. He was like me — trying to be tough, never reaching out for help."

"You _are_ tough," she said.

"It's all an act, believe me." He hesitated. "I'm back in therapy."

Her shoulders sagged with relief. "How's it going?"

"I'm learning how hard I am to live with."

She smirked. "I'm no prize either."

"I have something to tell you. My therapist's been on my case to let you know."

Nina braced herself.

"I . . ." his voice faded off. "I met someone. She, uh, she just moved in."

Nina had expected such news to devastate her, and she was shocked to find herself smiling. "Sounds serious."

"It is — wait a minute. Aren't you upset?"

"I thought I would be, but honestly, John, I'm happy for you. I'm really happy for you. You deserve happiness."

"I . . . thank you, Nina. That means a lot to me. You sound like you're in a better place too."

"I am. It helps, being back in Forks. I'm home. I feel more . . . more _peaceful_ about Adam. He felt lost, all alone, and didn't know what else to do to deal with the pain. He had no idea how much losing him would hurt us. He was just trying to protect us."

John was silent for a moment. "He was a special boy. We did good, making him. He was a good boy."

"The best." Nina smiled faintly, her eyes resting on the quail figurine Adam had given her when he was twelve. He was still protecting her. "Well, I have a client soon. Be safe, John."

"You too, Nina. Call if you need anything, okay?"

"I will. Take care." She hung up the phone, closing her eyes for a moment. Equal parts bitter and sweet flowed through her, and she prayed for Adam's spirit to continue healing the tie between his parents . . . even though their marital knot had unraveled. It was time to accept the gradual fraying of that knot. It was time to move on in her life.

*o*o*o*

Sitting in the waiting room, Edward deliberated on whether to tell Bella what he'd just overheard.

"What is it?" she asked.

He hesitated. "Dr. Carlton has made peace with her ex-husband. She told him goodbye."

Bella nodded. "I'm glad."

A scene outside a bar flashed through Edward's mind — a memory of Nina's he'd seen. It had been two years ago after she'd moved to Forks when a man attempted to rape her, thwarted by Charlie swooping in and knocking him down, swiftly arresting the attacker and keeping Nina safe. It had been quite a dramatic first meeting between Bella's father and her psychologist.

Nina emerged from her office and jumped when she found the couple in the waiting room. "Oh! You're early."

"Sorry," Bella said. "Didn't mean to surprise you."

Nina looked at Edward to discern if he'd listened in on her phone conversation, but his arresting ochre eyes revealed nothing. She chewed on her lip. "Um, I was just going for a brief walk outside, clear my head . . . would you two like to join me? We could walk while we talk." She glanced out the window. "Assuming it hasn't started raining again."

Bella stood up and Edward followed suit. "Don't worry." Bella grinned. "Alice said it won't be baseball weather for a couple of days."

Nina squinted, confused by that comment, and Edward chuckled, resting his hand on the small of Bella's back as they followed Nina out the door.

There was just enough room on the trail for the three of them to walk side by side. Nina wondered how difficult it was for Edward to limit himself to their pedestrian human pace. She breathed in the cool spring breeze. "So, how's everything going?"

"Pretty good," Bella said. "Things have settled down a little."

Nina noticed Edward wince. "That's how you feel too, Edward?"

"Of course."

The psychologist filed away his mysterious response, planning to address it later.

"Except Jake still won't talk to me," Bella added.

Nina nodded. "I hope he'll come around one day. Unrequited love can be so painful."

Bella looked down, shuffling her feet. "I never meant to hurt him."

When Bella tripped, Edward immediately caught her. Righting her, he felt a small burn in his throat upon noticing her flaming cheeks. Gallantly, he suggested, "Perhaps walking during the session isn't such a salubrious idea?"

Nina pressed her lips together, trying to contain her laughter. "We'll be fine. Just don't look down, Bella. Keep looking straight ahead."

Edward decided that was good advice for them all.

"I know you feel badly about Jacob," Nina said. "If you had to do it all again, would you do anything differently?"

Bella's head bobbed vigorously. "I wouldn't get so depressed."

Nina looked at her gently. "Depression is a biological illness, Bella. Nobody chooses to get depressed."

Her brows puckered, forming a small crease above her nose that Edward found adorable. "Well, then, I'd try to talk to Jake more, make sure he wasn't getting the wrong idea."

"I'm a big fan of communication, as you know." Nina smiled. "But didn't you try to tell him you just wanted to be friends, several times?"

"Not enough times, apparently." Bella sighed. "The truth is, I was scared he wouldn't be there for me if I kept pushing him away. I needed him. It was selfish."

Edward's jaw clenched. _He'd_ done this to her, and to Jacob. He was the selfish one.

"So there were things you did you weren't proud of," Nina said. "I'm sure Jacob feels the same way. Zooming that motorcycle over to your father wasn't his proudest moment."

_Impulsive dog_, Edward silently growled.

"But we all make mistakes, Bella. We're human." She gave Edward a sideways glance. "Well, _some_ of us are, anyway."

Bella giggled as Nina continued, "Mistakes are our best teachers. What'd you learn from what happened with Jacob?"

She thought for a moment. "I'm grateful Jake took care of me, and I hope someday he'll let me be there for him. But I guess I don't have control over that."

"True." Nina nodded. "You don't have responsibility or control over the choices he makes. All you're responsible for is yourself — for being the best friend you can be."

Edward had taken Bella's hand, rubbing the pad of his thumb over her warm skin. "Jacob's lucky to have a friend like you."

"Not as lucky as I am to have you," Bella replied.

Edward beamed, enraptured by her inner beauty. He drew his arm around her shoulders, tenderly pressing her cheek to his granite physique, intoxicated by her scent.

Deciding to give them their moment, Nina quietly matched their stride. They'd come so far. All of them.

Bella interrupted Nina's reverie. "You could have this too, you know."

Nina started. "What?"

Bella rested her ear on Edward's chest as they continued walking on the path. "You could find romance too, in Forks." She paused. "With Charlie."

Both Nina and Edward came to a halt, staring at her. Edward hadn't expected Bella to broach the issue, particularly in such a direct way.

Nina's eyes bugged. "You think there's something going on between Charlie and me?"

"Not yet. But you guys definitely have feelings for each other." Watching Nina's mouth drop open, Bella gestured to her boyfriend. "I know it's true . . . Edward _heard_ it!"

He took a step back. "Now wait a second, Bella."

"How invasive!" Nina glared at him then lighted her feisty stare on Bella. "Besides, even if I did have feelings for Charlie, which I _don't_, it would be unethical to act on them. I'm supposed to avoid multiple relationships. It wouldn't be proper to date the father of my psychotherapy client."

The wheels turned in Bella's mind. "But what if that client says it's okay?"

Nina's arms crossed in front of her. "It doesn't matter. There are power dynamics in play here — you could be exploited as a client. You might feel coerced to encourage the boundary crossing, when that's not really in your best interest."

"I think it _is_ in my best interest!" Bella stood firm. "Seeing Charlie happy would make _me_ happy. Nobody gets him all nervous and giddy like you do, Nina."

"Really?" Nina's voice rose like a school girl but then she shook her head, trying to resume her professionalism. "It can't happen."

Edward jumped in. "Bella has an excellent point, Dr. Carlton." When he had both women's attention, he continued. "_Primum non nocere_. Do no harm. I know you're attempting not to harm Bella, but doesn't she have the right — the autonomy — to define what indeed would be harmful? You're the one who keeps telling her to speak her voice, after all."

"That's a low blow, Mr. Masen — using my own words against me."

He could tell Nina wasn't truly angry with him, so he continued. "Your ethical code proscribes to do no harm, but it also aspires to 'do good'. _Prosum_. Wouldn't you be doing good by helping Bella and her family this way? Bella constantly worries about her father being alone, with nobody to care for him. If it works out between you and Chief Swan, you'd create beneficence. You'd do good for this family."

Nina took this in. "Okay, Latin boy. But what about my ethical code instructing me to avoid multiple relationships? I can't be Bella's therapist, and her . . . her _stepmother _— " Nina and Bella both almost laughed " — at the same time."

"Ah, yes." Edward resumed walking, and the women joined him. "That's where the limitations of practicing as a rural psychologist enter into the equation."

When Nina's jaw unhinged, Edward knew he was on the right track. "You see, Dr. Carlton, I did a little reading on the subject."

"How in the world — "

"We vampires have a lot of free time on our hands at night," he interrupted her, softly smiling. "To resume, it's well known that rural psychologists _have_ to deal with multiple relationships. Living in small town means you'll see your clients in the grocery store . . ."

Nina nodded ruefully.

". . . the vet, the hair salon, the doctor's office. Your physician could easily be the foster father of your client, for example. It's inevitable you might have to hire a former client as a real estate agent, or in this case, date the father of a client. After all, how many available single men live in Forks?"

When Nina didn't answer, Bella answered, "With all their teeth? About two." She snickered at her own joke, and Edward tried not to join in on the laughter, determined to make his point.

"And I hate to bring this up," Edward said, "but you already have a dual relationship with Charlie."

Nina looked at him quizzically.

"Charlie saved you from the attacker that night. Of course you feel close to him. He's not just the parent of your client. He's the man to whom you owe your life. He's the man who cares deeply about you."

Nina pictured Charlie's worried brown eyes hovering over her, his steady voice and take-charge attitude soothing her as he covered her shaking body with his uniform jacket.

Seeing the same image, Edward said, "He was there for you that night, and he's never stopped thinking about you since."

She'd never stopped thinking about him either. "Have you thought about starting a dating service, Edward? Already knowing how the other person feels about you makes this a lot easier than match dot com." Nina watched him smile. "But if anything could happen between Charlie and me, and that's a _big_ if, we'd have to terminate our therapy. I couldn't keep seeing you and Bella."

"I've already been thinking about that, actually," Bella said. "Edward and I are doing a lot better, and we're not sure we need to keep coming."

Nina scowled. "You see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! Terminating therapy should be a decision we make together, based on your progress toward therapy goals — not influenced by the therapist _getting it on_ with a client's family member."

Edward nodded. "Honestly, Dr. Carlton, Bella and I _have_ discussed termination already. She just didn't want to say anything — she didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Oh." Nina gave Bella a sly glance. "That _does_ sound like you." They resumed walking, listening to the caws of nearby crows. "I need some time to think about this. And I'd like you both to consider the wisdom of ending therapy at this point. Think about what you've accomplished so far — what you've liked and disliked, what you've learned, what you have left to work on — and we'll discuss it next time. If we all agree to terminate, then I guess that'll be our last session."

"Thank you," Bella said softly.

Edward added, "That sounds fair."

"Enough about me and Charlie." Nina suspiciously studied Edward. "Is there something you need to tell us?"

His eyebrows lowered. "I don't know what you're referring to."

Bella slowly nodded. "Yeah, he _has_ been acting a little strangely."

Nina said, "Earlier when I asked how things were going, you looked worried. What's going on?"

He exhaled, letting go of Bella and running his long fingers through his bronze hair. He started to talk, then stopped, took a few steps, and finally said, "Alright. Carlisle received an invitation yesterday."

When he looked at Bella, she sensed his guilt.

"From the Volturi."

Bella gasped, and Nina asked, "Who?"

"They're like the vampire police," Bella explained.

"_Corrupt_ police," Edward said. "Victoria . . . she went to the Volturi. She told them we allowed a human to know of our existence."

"Oh!" Bella cupped her hand over her mouth.

"The human is Bella?" Nina asked. When Edward nodded, Nina added, "And that's not okay?"

His jaw tightened. "There are rules."

"What about the wolf-pack and me knowing the truth?"

Edward paused, knitting his brow. "Aro's letter didn't mention you, Dr. Carlton. They only want to meet Bella."

Her voice was a squeak. "They want to _meet_ me?"

"Our presence is requested in Italy. Soon." Noticing Bella's look of alarm, Edward rushed to say, "Carlisle and I haven't decided how to proceed yet. It's why I haven't told you about the invitation."

"You should've told me!" Bella said. "I want to be part of this decision."

"But . . ." Edward looked at Nina, and she smiled cryptically in return. His shoulders hunched. "You're right. I shouldn't have kept this from you, Bella. Perhaps we're not so ready to terminate."

Nina said, "At least you came clean when I asked you if you were hiding something."

"Yes. I'm brilliant at communication."

Bella squeezed his hand, hating to see him beat up on himself. "Let's go talk to Carlisle about it, okay? He'll know what to do."

"Alright."

"Sounds like there are still some issues to discuss in therapy," Nina said.

Edward frowned. "We haven't even gotten to what the Volturi will want."

Bella and Nina returned his worried stare.

**Author Notes**

**There will be one more chapter left in this story, and I'm hoping to get to it soon.**

**If you read this chapter before 9/19/11, you can enter two giveaways for my novels **_**With Good Behavior **_**and **_**Bad Behavior**_**. Check out jenniferlanebooks dot com and go to the blog for details. Thanks for reading!**


	26. The Mended Road

Many apologies that it's taken forever for me to finish this story. But I promised I would finish, and here is the last chapter.

I played Christina Perri's "A Thousand Years" while writing this chapter. What a perfect song to end the _Breaking Dawn Part II _movie. I hope this chapter gives you 1/100th of the satisfied emotion I felt witnessing the end of the series on film.

It's been a thousand years since I updated the story, so let me catch you up to speed:

1) When Jacob told Bella that Edward had been back in Forks for months but hadn't made himself known to her, she felt suicidal. But she found her own strength and decided to live, right before Edward returned to her.

2) The wolves wanted to kill Edward for breaching their territory, but Bella and her psychologist Nina stopped them from following through on their threat. Victoria showed up and the Cullens chased her out of town. Charlie was ticked off at Bella when he found out she'd ridden a motorcycle.

3) Bella and Edward attended some NEEDED couples therapy with Nina.

And let's dive in to the last chapter to see how it all ends!

26. The Mended Road

"I get the Volturi's rule about keeping your kind secret from humans," Bella said to Edward as she mused about their recent trip to Italy. They sat below the pine trees near their psychologist Nina's house, hidden in the evening shadows, and the sharp tang of pine mixed with sweet vampire scent. "But I still don't understand why Aro wants you to change me so soon. It's clear I won't tell anyone — what's the rush?"

When Edward's hard chest shifted behind her back, she snuggled closer. "You intrigued him," he finally said. "You're the first to block Jane's pain signals."

"But I couldn't stop her from hurting _you_." Bella cringed as she recalled the sight of Edward writhing on the marble parquet. "I wish they hadn't forced us to visit them."

"Carlisle delayed as long as possible, but the Volturi were insistent. It was worth it to get them off our backs, for now at least." He paused, like he was trying to decide if he would say more. "They want you to become like them…because they want your gift."

Bella snorted. "I don't have a gift." She blinked several times. "Besides, I don't want to become like them. I want to become like _you_."

"Bella…we've discussed this. You know what will happen that first year after the transformation?"

She looked down. "I'll be a monster."

"A young woman as lovely as you could never be a monster," he countered. "But statistically speaking, more vampires are like them than like me."

"They're completely creepy." She shivered. "I can still hear the screams of those tourists…"

He tucked her tighter into his granite chest. "We shall never see them again." His voice lowered. "I hope."

She closed her eyes as she pressed her shoulder blades into his chest, reveling in having him back.

He sat up. "They're coming outside."

Bella squinted at the closed front door of Nina's house and a spark of excitement for Charlie bloomed up her spine. Then she peeked behind her, over her shoulder, with a grin. "Who's more nervous? Charlie or Nina?"

"Your guess is as good as mine," Edward replied. "Their minds are difficult to access as usual."

Bella watched her father trail Nina out of her small house. Charlie darted his hand to the side, looking like he was about to place it at the small of Nina's back, but then he yanked his hand back into his pocket. Next his hand shot up and scratched his head.

"Your father keeps clearing his throat," Edward observed.

Bella giggled. "Charlie's freaking out."

"You don't need mind-reading skills to see that." Edward paused. "Hmm. There's Nina's mother, Hehewuti. This should get interesting."

"Be a good girl, Nina," Wuti hollered as she waved goodbye from the doorway. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Bella watched Nina mutter something but couldn't hear her from afar. "What did Nina just say?"

"She said, 'That eliminates exactly nothing.'"

Bella could hear Edward's smile in his voice as he answered. Her father must've thought Nina's response was funny too based on his chuckle. With a flourish, he opened the car door for Nina.

"Charlie just told her, 'Your chariot, madam'," Edward said.

Nina folded her body into the passenger seat of the police cruiser, and Edward continued to share his acute listening skills. "Nina joked she was relieved to be sitting in the front, not in the back with handcuffs. Charlie said, 'As long as you behave tonight.'"

Bella watched as Charlie closed the car door and rounded the trunk with a hop in his step. "I'm so glad Nina listened to us," Bella said with a contented sigh.

"They look happy together," Edward agreed.

Bella herself couldn't be happier now that Edward had returned, and she wanted that contentment for Charlie and Nina. Even without Edward's mind-reading skills, it was obvious that her father had fallen for her psychologist. And now that their therapy had ended, the possibility of Charlie's first date with Nina materialized tonight.

Bella recalled their last couples' therapy session, before she and Edward had left for Italy for the mandated meeting with the Volturi.

o*o*o*o

"So, our last session," Nina said, then frowned at Bella. "You're sure you're not terminating therapy just to make it okay for me to date Charlie?"

The suspicion in that question hit Bella hard, and she leaned back. "I already told you Edward and I discussed ending therapy before the Charlie issue even came up. I wouldn't lie to you."

"I don't think you're intentionally lying," Nina said. "But I wonder if you're placing the needs of others before yourself again. You've been known to do that."

"I'm not, Nina, I promise."

Edward offered, "To be fair, both of us have lied to Dr. Carlton in this office. She has every right to question our truthfulness." Bella noticed a look of guilt flit over his face before he turned to Nina. "But I _am_ truthful about this: Bella watching her father suffer from loneliness—when the perfect antidote for that loneliness lives right here in Forks — " he gestured toward Nina " — _that _would be harmful for Bella. And I know your ethics code prohibits doing harm to your clients."

Nina stayed quiet as she studied him.

"We have made quite a mess of things up to now, but we're both striving to behave more maturely in this relationship — the way you taught us," Edward continued. "Just the other day, to show how Bella can place her own needs first, she allowed me to give her a gift."

"I _did_?" Bella scrunched her forehead.

Edward gave her a placid smile. "Yes. You just don't know it yet."

"Edward!"

"You're supposed to reduce your selflessness, correct?" he challenged.

Bella folded her arms across her chest. "That's not a fair way to rope me into accepting a gift. It better not be a car!" She leaned back on the cushy sofa with a harrumph then sat back up as she pointed her finger at him. "And _you_, Mr. Cullen — you're supposed to let me make my own decisions. You're not allowed to buy me a gift just because you think I need it. A gift should be something I want — not what you think I should want."

"You will like this gift," Edward said. When Bella cocked her head, he added, "Trust me. I know you have wanted it for some time."

Bella stared at him for a few long seconds. "Now I'm curious. Do you have it with you?" She shot out her open palm. "I'll take the gift now."

She watched Edward gape at her before turning to Nina, who sported the same incredulous expression. "What?" Bella asked.

"You _definitely_ have made progress," Nina said. "You're _asking_ for a gift now?"

"No!" Bella felt her face heat up, and when she looked back at Edward, sure enough his gaze honed in on her inevitably blushing cheeks.

"I enjoy this very much." Edward smirked. "Perhaps I'll have to withhold this tantalizing gift longer, if it elicits this type of reaction from you."

Bella glared at them both. "You people! Can we just end this session now?"

"Soon," Nina promised. "First I'd like to hear each of your thoughts about our therapy. What helped? What didn't? What progress did you make, other than Bella accepting a gift?" She winked at her. "What do you need to keep working on?"

Bella said, "I might not even accept this mysterious gift, so don't count that as progress."

"Okay." Nina smiled at her.

Bella wondered why Nina didn't argue. Then Bella blurted, "_You_ know what the gift is, don't you?"

"Maybe." Another enigmatic smile from the psychologist. "I may have helped Edward with it." Nina smiled at him.

Bella's face flashed with heat and she found herself hollering, "_Where is the darn gift_?"

When Edward laughed, Bella's irritation vanished. It was so beautiful to watch her perfect vampire's stony face soften and lighten, his golden eyes smiling and his smooth voice caressing the happy sound erupting from his chest. "The gift is at Carlisle and Esme's," he told her. "Soon, my love. You will have the present soon."

"Even though I'm not sure about this gift, I love to hear your laugh," Bella told him. "I think it's a sign of progress for you. You've lightened up…you've relaxed."

He sat completely still, taking in her words.

"I agree, Bella." Nina nodded. "Edward's less uptight."

"I've never been uptight," he said.

Bella glanced at Nina and giggled as Nina's lips twitched.

A slow smile spread on Edward's face. "Well, maybe I've been a _little_ uptight." He reached for Bella's hand and stroked it with his cool fingers. "You've helped me feel less morose; not so dark inside." His eyes bore into hers. "You've illuminated me in ways I've never known possible."

"I thought I made you worry about me?" Bella asked, then remembered Nina's comment about Edward's feelings being his responsibility. "I mean, I thought you worried about my safety all the time."

"Not as much anymore." He drew her hand to his lips and kissed her fingertips with human tenderness. "You can take care of yourself quite adeptly." The tips of each finger sparked with heat from his cool lips as he kissed them again. "And I wish to take care of you as well, if you'll let me. If you would like me to take care of you?"

Her heart fluttered, and she knew he could hear its pounding. She swallowed, then managed, "Please." Her tongue swept across her lower lip as she imagined his cool hand skating across her chest, feathering lower to her breast... "I like it when you…take care of me. When you love me." She hoped he understood how exactly she wanted his loving.

His gaze lifted from her hand and met her eyes with such intensity that she had trouble breathing. Flecks of gold glowed in deep amber as his devotion poured into her.

Nina cleared her throat, and Bella shook herself out of her enthrallment. "Seems you two are communicating rather well," Nina said.

"Sometimes…it's hard to get words out when Edward looks at me like that," Bella said.

He broke her gaze as he let go of her hand. "I apologize."

"That didn't mean you should stop."

Edward looked at her again but didn't pick up her hand. When his eyes darted in Nina's direction, Bella gleaned his shyness about public displays of affection in front of their psychologist. He was still concerned about propriety. Some things didn't change.

"To answer your question," Bella began, looking at Nina, "I think I feel stronger now. I think I can be with Edward without losing myself. I think I can speak up for myself."

Nina nodded. "That's wonderful progress."

"Thank you for helping me." Bella felt a blush warm her cheeks. "I, um, I couldn't have done it without you."

"You did it yourself, Bella. I'm happy to be part of that journey." Nina smiled at her.

Feeling the stares of Nina and Edward on her, Bella shrugged.

Nina rescued her by asking, "Edward, you said therapy may have helped you relax. How has therapy affected you otherwise?"

Bella's shoulders lowered with relief when the spotlight switched to Edward. "Disagreements," he said. "I've learned it is alright to have disagreements in a relationship. And that the man…that the man is not always correct."

Bella's eyes widened.

"_That_ seemed difficult to admit," Nina said.

"Extremely." A hint of a grin lit up his face. "Dr. Carlton, you helped me see that Bella is an equal partner in this relationship. She has a right to choose her own path. As much as that path frightens me…" He glanced at Bella and she knew he worried about her transformation to immortality. "…I now realize it is _her _path to choose."

Nina's head tilted to one side. "You're referring to her choice to stay with you?"

"No." Edward shook his head. "It seems we have no choice in being together, thank goodness. Being apart nearly destroyed us both." He clasped Bella's hand once again.

"He's referring to my choice of becoming like him," Bella explained, and felt his hand tighten around hers. No matter what he proclaimed, she knew he still wished she wouldn't go through with the transformation. "I've asked him to change me."

"Wow." Nina blinked several times. "That's a monumental decision."

Edward nodded. "My reaction precisely."

"So this is one issue you'll need to continue working on after terminating our therapy," Nina said. "The decision to become a vampire. Are you sure you don't want to discuss this together in therapy?"

Bella inhaled a deep breath. "I'm sure. I know what I want."

"How does Jacob feel about this?" Nina asked.

Bella looked away. "He doesn't know."

"I see. When will this change happen?"

"After I graduate."

"You look upset, Edward," Nina observed.

"I have some reservations about this transformation. You know how important Bella's parents are to her, and after she becomes like me, she won't be able to see them again. I am trying to honor her decision, but I am worried…"

"Keep telling her your worries," Nina said as she nodded at Edward. "Respecting each other's decisions doesn't mean ignoring your needs. Successful couples resolve their conflicts through communication, negotiation, compromise."

Edward's strong grip loosened on Bella's hand. "Thank you, Dr. Carlton. I _would_ like to continue discussing this."

Bella frowned. "I get why Edward's concerned. I know there's much to lose from my human life. But I'm already eighteen — I'm already older than he is. The longer we put this off, the older I'll be."

"Does Edward _seem_ seventeen to you, Bella?" Nina asked.

Bella glanced at his erect, formal posture. "No."

"I agree." Nina's smile was warm. "You'll be okay, Bella. Take your time with this important decision, and listen to Edward's concerns. This will work out in due time."

After chewing on her lip for a few moments, Bella nodded. She was still in high school, after all. They had time to figure it out.

"This isn't a one-way street, you know," Nina said. "I've learned a lot from you two as well."

"You have?" Bella blinked at her.

Nina smiled. "Definitely. Bella, you're young, but you have an old soul. You're wise and caring. You care for your father no matter how frustrated you are with him. I think I've learned some patience in dealing with my mother from watching you and Charlie interact."

Bella gaped at Nina. Her _psychologist_ learned something from her? From her interactions with _Charlie_?

"And Edward, the juxtaposition of your gentle and fierce natures fascinates me. Yes, it took you some time to figure out that you needed to stay with Bella. You both had to go through hell to find heaven together. But I think this is the only way you'd tolerate letting yourself be with Bella — to know there's absolutely no other choice."

Edward nodded. "True."

Nina's deep-brown eyes met theirs. "Together, you've taught me so much. The depth of your love touches me. I had that kind of love once, and I know how precious it is. Now that you two know how to balance your needs with that intense desire for each other, you'll be a force to be reckoned with. You both have a bright future."

"Thank you," Bella said "I hope you can have that love again, Nina."

Nina's warm gaze met Bella's. "Thank you. I hope so too."

Bella felt Edward stir next to her, and she looked up at him. He winked at her then turned to Nina. "Dr. Carlton, Alice shared a vision with me, about you and Charlie. Would you like to hear it?"

Nina paused. "I don't know. Does knowing the future alter it?"

"Not necessarily." Edward waited a beat. "Alice saw you and Charlie fishing together."

"_Fishing_?" Nina glanced down at her suede skirt. "I don't do fishing."

Bella laughed. "What were you just saying about compromise in a relationship, Nina?"

"Do as I say, not as I do, Bella."

"That's what Charlie tells me, too!" Bella said.

Edward turned to Nina. "You and Charlie are quite a match, then."

Nina rolled her eyes. "We'll see. If I really join him for fishing one day, I must like him. A lot." She sat forward in her chair. "So, I guess this will be goodbye for us, then."

Bella captured her lower lip with her teeth.

"How do you feel about goodbyes, Bella?" Nina asked her.

"I'm not very good at them. They're hard."

Edward stared at his shoes. "Especially when the person saying goodbye utterly abandons you."

Bella shifted closer to him. "I forgive you for leaving, you know. You thought you were doing the right thing."

He pressed his lips together, then finally lifted his head. "Thank you. I do not deserve your forgiveness."

"Do you forgive yourself, Edward?" Nina asked.

"No." His response was quick.

"That sounds like something for you to keep working on, then," Nina suggested.

"Yes, ma'am." Edward nodded. "We will never forget your understanding, Dr. Carlton. Nor your kindness."

Nina smiled as she stood. "It's been a pleasure."

Bella felt her hand scooped into cool vampire skin as Edward gently drew her to her feet. He reached out to shake Nina's hand, and Bella watched her psychologist flinch when their hands met.

"The cold ones," Nina said with a gradual smile. Her left hand molded around his bicep. "Turns out they're not so cold after all."

Bella could tell that Nina's goodbye had flustered Edward by the way he ducked his head as they finished their handshake. She wondered if it would be okay to ask for a hug from Nina, but she didn't ponder the issue for long. She simply stepped up to her psychologist and wrapped her arms around her. Nina didn't hesitate to return the hug, and her soothing embrace reminded Bella of her mother's hugs. She had to admit she missed Renee. Could she go for eternity without seeing her mother again, once Edward changed her?

o*o*o*o

Bella sighed as she watched the police cruiser roll down the road away from them. "I hope their date goes well. I guess I'll have to stop thinking of Nina as my psychologist, and more like…Charlie's…_girlfriend_?" She felt her nose wrinkle up as she tested out that unfamiliar term.

Edward drew quiet for a moment. "Are you alright with us ending therapy?"

Bella frowned, hearing the anxiety in his voice. "Do you think I need more therapy?"

"Not at all." He nudged his nose under her veil of hair and pressed a kiss to the side of her neck, sending shivers down her spine. When he leaned back against the pine tree, he angled her further back as well. Her eyes fluttered closed, and she reveled in the stitched-together feeling in her chest. After a few peaceful moments, he said, "Bella?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Do you…do you think _I_ need more therapy?"

She sat up and swiveled to face him, noticing the tightness around his eyes. "Edward, we probably both could use more therapy, one day. But for now, I'm happy. No more depression." She smirked. "No more hallucinations." She placed her hands on the sharp angles of his jaw and looked up into his flickering eyes. "Thank you for coming back."

"Thank you for taking me back."

She smiled as she twisted her legs around to straddle his. Intoxicated by his masculine scent, she angled up to meet the velvet caress of his lips. She tried to match the slow, sensual pace he established, but as usual, his brilliance overcame her. When her kiss grew urgent and forceful, he gently pulled away.

A flare of frustration bloomed in her chest, but she attempted to keep quiet and simply appreciate Edward back in her life. He still held the reins on their intimacy…maybe that was a good thing? Nina had told them to take it slowly — to avoid losing themselves in each other. But he was so darn beautiful! How was she supposed to slow things down in his enthralling presence? She had no idea how he managed such self-control. She would never be as strong as him, changed or unchanged.

"What are you thinking?" Edward studied her like a radiologist scanning an x-ray.

Her cheeks warmed. There would be no way she'd tell him her lustful thoughts. "I'm just happy Charlie's not alone."

The intensity of his gaze lightened, though he still appeared suspicious. He brushed the back of his fingers across her cheek. "You are so precious to me, Bella. You're _m_y antidote to loneliness."

In one smooth motion, he stood and tossed her into the air. She squealed before she came back down into his arms. Those honey eyes locked onto hers. "Come. I have something for you, my little antidote."

*o*o*o*

As Edward's Volvo rocketed up the private drive toward the Cullen home, he finished his phone call with Alice.

"Is everything okay?" Bella asked.

He grimaced. "Just checking to see if Alice has seen Victoria in our near future."

Bella swallowed as she looked out the passenger-side window. Tall pines whipped by. She felt his cool fingers beneath her chin and let him swivel her face toward him.

"We will not allow her anywhere near you," he promised.

"I know."

"When I told Dr. Carlton I wanted to care for you, I didn't mention Victoria so as not to worry her further. But you know I will do everything in my power to protect you from my kind, correct?"

Bella smiled. "Yes."

"I will protect you from any creature — human, vampire…or otherwise."

Bella's smile vanished. "Jacob isn't a danger to me, Edward."

The wheels rolled to a smooth stop in front of the serene Cullen home. "You don't know shape-shifters like I do."

She slumped in her seat.

Edward's voice was tight. "Will we make our first reunion before my family full of tension and anger?"

"No." Bella turned to face him. "But we _will_ keep discussing this, Mr. Cullen."

He slowly nodded. "That sounds fair, Ms. Swan."

"_Bella!_" Alice shrieked as she bounded up to the car. She had the car door wrenched open in a nanosecond.

Bella glanced at Edward before she climbed out of the car and braced herself as Alice almost squeezed her to death.

"Be gentle, sister," Edward said from behind her. "Bella's not going anywhere."

Alice let her go and stepped back, searching Bella's eyes. "Promise?"

"I promise. And your family's not going anywhere either." Bella gave Edward a pointed look.

"Good." Alice beamed. "It's much easier to keep my fashion wardrobe in one place."

"We've got the industrial crane hooked up to lift your two-ton suitcases from the car, Allie," Emmett drawled as he strolled toward the car.

Alice pursed her lips. "Not funny, Emmett."

Suddenly Bella's feet were airborne as Emmett twirled her around in his massive arms. He set her down on the driveway and winked at her. "Missed you, Bella."

"I missed you too." She ran a hand through her hair to straighten it and noticed Edward's eyes flutter shut, his nostrils flaring. She winced, knowing she had tortured him with her scent. "Sorry."

His eyes popped open. "Your scent is not painful anymore. It is exquisite."

Emmett snickered. "I can't believe you haven't done her yet."

Edward's horrified look made Alice giggle. Edward appeared to compose himself and tucked Bella by his side. "Where is Jasper?"

"Hunting with Rosie," Emmett said. "Want to go find them, Alice?"

"No, you go," she said. "I want to watch Bella's reaction to her gift."

Bella watched Emmett veer off into the forest. Then she looked at Edward, who spoke to Alice so quickly that she couldn't discern what he'd said. When Alice turned and zoomed off behind Emmett, Bella asked, "What did you tell her?"

"I asked for some privacy, for once."

"Asking for privacy is sort of funny coming from a mind-reader," Bella said.

Edward shook his head. "Exactly what Alice thought. Only you said it more politely. Come." He took her hand and guided her toward the modern structure. The glass exterior of the house reflected the deep greens and browns of the forest, allowing the architecture to complement rather than dominate the woodsy clearing.

Bella's chest tightened as she entered the expansive foyer, expecting to feel overwhelming sadness upon returning to his home after their separation. But the house's bright, lived-in glow soothed her instead. Her eyes scanned the living room. "You got your piano fixed!" She rushed over to skim her hand across the shiny black.

Edward made a strange sound at the back of his throat as he came up behind her. "Yes. And we made sure Jasper was away when you arrived, so it won't need further repairs."

She spun around and reached up to clasp her hands together behind his neck. "Jasper will be fine. Look how easily _we_ can be together now. He'll learn how to manage my scent too."

Edward stared down at her with a somber expression. "I hope you are right."

"Where are Carlisle and Esme?"

"They are ensuring the safe arrival of our artwork. They will be here soon."

Bella snorted. "Yeah, I guess you don't want to wrinkle all those graduation caps hanging on the wall."

He chuckled. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No thanks."

"Then would you like your present now?"

Bella's eyes rolled to the vaulted ceiling. "Fine. Let's get it over with."

She trailed him up the stairs. As she passed through the door to his bedroom, her heart galloped. He looked back at her with questioning eyes and she managed an embarrassed smile.

"Receiving presents really is an unpleasant experience for you, hmm?"

She fought a furious blush. Maybe it was fine for him to think her excited heartbeat was about getting a present — not about being with him in his bedroom?

"Please, sit." He gestured to a chair that hadn't been there before. As she lowered herself onto the soft cushions, he pulled a rather large box from the bookshelf and placed it on her lap. The shiny pink wrapping paper and ornate fuchsia bow stared up at her. "Alice insisted on wrapping it," he grudgingly admitted. He crouched down beside her chair and gave her an expectant look.

"Sit with me?" Bella asked.

He rose immediately. Rather than squeeze his body beside her, he reached down to scoop her off the chair then turned and sat down with her now on his lap. The entire process flew by and she marveled that she still held the gift in her arms unscathed. She wiggled a bit. "Stone vampire isn't as comfy as soft cushions."

Edward's eyebrows pulled together and he shifted like he was about to get up. "Just kidding!" she said, then rested her cheek on his chest. "There's no place I'd rather be than on your lap."

She felt him sink back into the chair, and she closed her eyes when he began to thread his fingers through her hair. His voice sounded peaceful. "There's no place I would rather be, either." His sweet, tantalizing scent consumed her, and she knew he was breathing her in as well, given the slight rise and fall of his chest. "I have loved you for one-hundred years, Bella."

As she let out a long exhale, the tears pressing at the back of her eyes surprised her. What on earth could she be sad about? Upon reflecting for a moment, she realized the emotion she experienced was relief. He had returned to her, and their love was more solid now, more impenetrable. Though she would realize some future dreams and not others—the highs and lows characterizing the vicissitudes of life — she believed her nightmares had now ended.

"You're quiet," he said.

She smiled. "I'm happy."

He cradled her head to his chest with his hand. "Would you like to open your gift?"

"I guess," she sighed, and he chuckled. She lifted her head and shifted in his lap as she weighed the heft of the wrapped box in her hands. "It's heavy. It better not be expensive," she grumbled.

"Enough with the stall tactics."

Trying not to harm Alice's beautiful wrapping paper, Bella slid her finger under the tape and soon held the naked box on her lap. Once she removed the lid and saw the gift, her lips parted with wonder. "It's…perfect."

"Do you like it?" Edward's eagerness made him sound every bit the seventeen year-old.

A photo of her and Edward graced the cover of the photo album her mother had given her months ago. He must've dug the album out of her closet, where she'd tossed it in disgusted heartache after discovering he'd removed his photos when he'd left. She yanked open the album's cover and gasped when she saw an aged black-and-white photo of Edward dressed smartly in a tweed suit. "This is when you really were seventeen?"

"Yes."

She realized her mouth still hung open, and she closed it. "But this must be your only copy of the photo. Are you sure you want me to have it?"

"My past belongs to you, Bella." His eyes bore into her. "As well as my present."

"And my future belongs to you," she said in a trembling voice. "_Our_ future."

He nudged toward her, filling her senses, and his lips grazed hers with the softest of pressure. Inhaling, she reveled in the sensuous feel of his deepening kiss. A rush of emotion overcame her — layers of passion, longing, and desperation — and she poured the flow of desire into him as she returned his kiss.

Suddenly he pulled back and smoothed his hand down her cheek. "Why are you crying?"

"Oh." She met his hand and felt wetness. "I…don't know."

"Do the photos make you sad?"

She shook her head. "I love the gift." Bella turned the next page to reveal a Cullen family photo right outside the home, with Emmett giving Rosalie rabbit ears behind her head.

"I thought you would like the photos," he said with a growing crease on his forehead. "Dr. Carlton told me I could never erase myself from your life. She helped me see how cruel it was of me to try to do so."

Bella met his eyes. "I was devastated when I found out you'd taken your photos." The memory of a gaping hole in her abdomen jarred her. But being so close to him now in the present — soaking him into her, gazing at his beauty — she knew that time was behind her. "It's the most perfect gift for me to have the memories back." She turned more pages and gasped when she came onto a nature scene of buttery sunlight and tiny purple flowers. "Our _meadow_!" She flipped through the vibrant green pages, finding each photo more beautiful than the last. A sob erupted from her throat.

"What is wrong?" Edward asked.

She blinked at him through tears and took a deep breath. "Nothing is wrong. This isn't how it felt when I cried, before." _When you were gone_, she silently added. "It's a _good_ cry. I feel…whole…relieved. Maybe it's a happy cry?"

"Hmm." He studied her with puzzlement, seeming flummoxed.

"Edward, you'll have to get used to mood swings if we're going to stay together." When he still appeared skeptical, she said, "I love the gift. I really do." She closed the album's cover and gazed at their photo taken at prom the prior year. "I hope we can take a thousand more years of photos together. Just not at prom."

He smiled and finally seemed to relax. "I am glad you accept this gift so graciously, then."

She giggled.

His expression sobered. "You realize you have given me a gift, too?"

"I have?"

"You took me back." He gazed at her. "Your caring, giving spirit…_that_ is a gift to me. One I cherish deeply. It's been a long road to find you, Bella."

She burrowed into his chest. "It's been quite the journey with you. I wonder what's next for us?"

"Alice seems to think she knows our future," Edward said as he stroked her temple.

"I wonder if she's right?"

_Every long lost dream_

_Led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart_

_They were like Northern stars  
Pointing me on my way_

_Into your loving arms  
This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you_

_*"Bless the Broken Road", Rascall Flats_

End Notes

Thank you for taking this journey with me! I've met some wonderful friends through Twilight.

If you'd like to follow my published novels, check out Jennifer Lane at jenniferlanebooks dot com

I write romantic suspense featuring healing and redemption for Adult, YA, and NA.


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